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Change of Custody to Father... Should We

Started by momof7, May 27, 2005, 07:41:00 AM

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momof7

Here's the thing.  I am the step mom to my husbands 3 children.  We have 3 children ourselves.   And I am newly pregnant....So...
Last week my stepson who is only 4, was at the park at 9pm.  no adults were with him.  The park is very far from his mother's home.   He BROKE his leg!  But even worse, Bio Mom did NOT call us to take him to the hospital until the NEXT day!  The leg was clearly broken, no guessing about it.  A week prior to this, he came to our house with a bad burn from an iron.  My step daughter, age 2, is still not saying anywords.  no words at all.  :(     We've had to take our other son (7) to the ER twice upon pick up from her house.   Their mother has let the medical insurance lapse AGAIN.  And becasue we are not the custodial, we cannot get it either.   Bio mom is not supervising the children, and they are constantly with bruises etc.   We are considering strongly filing for immediate temporary custody and then at the hearing pushing for a permenant solution.  My question is:  I am usually sick as a dog and tired to no end the first 3 months of my pregnancies.  Do I have any business picking up a WW3 that will happen in this impending custody battle?  Do I have any business not doing this?  The timing could not have been any worse, but this was so unexpected.  I have a 13 and 12 year old than can help me, but that is a lot of responsibility .  My husband obviously too, but truthfully speaking most of the care will come down on my shoulders... Thoughts? Anyone?

Kimberly9

don't initiate anything yourself, but support him in whatever he decideds.  It will be very tough!  You and dh need to be on the same side no matter what.

So if what you have described makes him so angry that he files the motions without any pressing from you, tell him that you agree and that you will be there to help him through it.  But if instead, he just vents to you and never actually does anything about it -- just be there to listen and help in anyway you can.

Good luck.  Take care of you and your babies!

momof7

We have a very good relationship and I think very open communication.  At first I was the one that said, "Oh no, we need to get those guys protected from her"  And imagined, investigated, researched how.  But that is because my husband was at work.  Yet after work, we have been talking and talking until we drop at midnight.  I told him that I will never fight for something he is not filled in his belly to do.  It is not my place.  It is not my responsibility.  The reality is that these are THEIR children.  Not mine.  
My husband was, at first, very fearful of the fact that we know there will be an onslaught of false allegations.  Neither party can afford a lawyer.  But we know that we never speak maliciously of their mother and we know we have absolutely nothing to hide.  If the worse case scenario is that we, again, do not win primary custody, she will at least know, that the kids need closer supervision.  That can be counted as a win.  
It really comes down to this... if we don't do anything about this... Shame on us...

momof7

DH=Dear Husband, DS=Dear Son, DD=Dear Daughter, BM= Bio Mom...
===============================

I, (DH) , am requesting primary physical custody of my children due to demonstrated neglect shown by (BM).  
Child (Age)   Incidents
DS (4)   May 14th had a long burn on forearm from an iron.   May 23rd DS  was unsupervised at the park at 9p when he broke his leg.  BM made NO effort to obtain medical care until the NEXT afternoon when she called me to take DS to the hospital. I am worried that permanent damage will result from being untreated for so long.  A report to CPS was made.
DS  (7)   Taken to the ER to be treated for strep throat.  1 month later had to take to Dr. again, for same infection.
I feel that BM discusses everything that happens in court with the children, but DS ( 7 ) is most affected.  
DD  (22 months)   The Dr. is concerned over her speech delay.  I did teach her to say "papa" but DS stated that "mom was very mad" when DD said "papa" at her home.  Had to take DD to the ER for severe dehydration in March.  For the entire month of April, had a yeast infection covering entire diaper area.  
**  According to the Medi-Cal office, coverage has not been provided since 3-31-05.  
**  BM lives in (somecity) in a 3 bdrm home with her sister and her 5 children.  Therefore, there are 9 (nine) children living in this home.  Because there are so many children in a small area, my children are not in a safe environment, and when I pick them up for my visitation time, they are continuously sick and have noticeable marks and bruises.  
**  I will come, unannounced, to bring them happy meals.  Each time I arrived, all of my children, including DS (22 months), were playing in the street, unsupervised.  I am deeply concerned for their safety and spoke to BM about this on numerous occasions.  Yet, still no changes have been made.  
** BM can not drive, so I have been left to care for all of their medical needs.  But because I am not the custodial parent, Medi-Cal will not issue the benefits cards to me, nor can I apply for them.  BM  will not, or can not cover them.  
Therefore, I am requesting an order for Primary physical custody so that I can provide Consistency of:
•   Medical Insurance                                         *    Close Supervision
•   Adequate Space for each child                      *     Safety
I am worried that further, and possibly more harmful things, will happen to my children, for lack of proper supervision


=======================
Do you think that this will finally be enough?  Or do we need to wait for more?

Kimberly9

I don't know how the process works in your state.  I would suggest getting some free consultations with different attorneys and ask them how to proceed.

In the mean time. . .can you volunteer to take the kids more.  It sounds like bm could definitely use a break.  The more time they are with you the better.  It might be easier getting an order for increased parenting time and enforcing the medical insurance than it would be to get a complete change of custody.

Stay focused on the kids and you will be fine.  You are headed in the right direction . . . the kids need you and the stress will be worth it.

HeavenSent

A four year old child suffered with a broken leg over night with no medical attention and you are wondering what to do?!!?

Step one:  Get off your computer.
Step two:  Pick up the phone.
Step three:  Dial social services!

momof7

lol
lol
we did that of course...
and we have the paperwork ready to file
however, I suffered a miscarriage yesterday
so right now I am on bedrest so I won't hemorrage (sp?)
as soon as I am able, tomorrow?, we will be filing

HeavenSent

Phew...thank goodness (about the phone call).

Sooo sorry for your loss.  My prayers are with you & family.

momof7

ok we filed an "ex parte" emergency change of custody hearing
we are waiting to hear back from the courts.
we could have the answer back this afternoon or tomorrow
the legal aid said that they reasons I listed are "very compelling" and well-written.  They see no reason why it wouldn't be approved.
BM would get NO visitation until the hearing, but that will be early next week anyway. After that she would get supervised visitation (she would have to pay 1/2) until the big hearing which could be 6 weeks from now.  so..
that's where we are...
Child support, visitation, and custody modification are all in the works..
oh boy...

Kimberly9

Your strength amazes me.  Positive thoughts and prayers are headed your way.

momof7

No.. The judge denied the request outright....
if you can believe that!  
I asked the courts why?
and they said," Its not enough to change, even temporarily, the custody... we will need MORE to warrant a change in custody!
We are so deflatetd right now... so..
anyway....
What a horrible week this has been!
so we will be documenting more and calling CPS still....
it seems so unfair..
:( :( :(

wendl

FYI- if a non custodial parent files a CPS they in my experience do NOTHING they feel it is the other parent trying to get to the cp.

When I lived with a girl omg she was a horribel mother, it took us months of calling CPS, me, her family everyone we knew, medical records or should I say lack of them, finally the aunt was given temp custody of the kids by CPS they wouldn't go into foster care.

If their is really something wrong going on in that house, a DR, school offical or someone else that sees it should be the one calling CPS.

Good luck

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

momof7

good point..
so when we see the iron marks, we should take them to the ER or Dr.?  and have them make the report?  that makes more sense.  
and I think you are right.  An attorney once told us that if we make the report, it will fall on deaf ears....
Thank you for the good reminder.  
But one thing, apparently there are "many other" CPS reports.  but we have no access to them.  Why can't my DH,  the bio FATHER have access to these?
Not sure if there is a real answer out there.. It seems so subjective.  sigh...
Have a good night!  I'm going to enjoy my stepkids until we have to take them back to their mom where they can play in the street .  haha?

wendl

Yes take them directly to the ER.

Well you could try to have your atty supeana(sp) the CPS records
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

Kitty C.

School staff, all medical professionals, and anyone who deals directly with kids are required by law to be mandatory reporters.  By having one of them make the report, it is being documented by an 'unbiased' 3rd party, someone who have no personal involvement with the child or the outcome.  Thus their reports are given MUCH more weight than say a family member would be given.

One other thing......when reports are made by professionals, they are documentedmuch more thoroughly than otherwise would be, thus follow-up and paper trails are much better defined, ie. 'more ammunition'.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

momof7

that makes sense, but the thing is if we are unaware of the report being made, ie, they are in her care when the reportable incident happens, we are never informed...
I don't know...
otherwise, when they are in our care, we will report via 3rd parties...
still, we are never informed of the outcome...
so its kinda like we are left in the dark...

Kitty C.

I understand, but that's just the nature of the beast...er, CPS.  But you gotta do what you gotta do, and if it makes the process go quicker and more efficient (ie. keeps the children safer sooner) to get a 3rd party to report, then do it.  Right now, keeping them safe is more important than you knowing what's going on.  And who knows, you still might get details on the report, but just knowing that a 3rd party will be making the report should ease a lot of stress on the situation for you!
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

Foster_Mom

I am a foster parent and I know the rules in Idaho are diffrent from other states but having delt with CPS on many diffrent levels I could offer some advice. Yes, it is true that all reports to CPS are to be documented and the information is NOT accessible by the general public. It would take a supoena from your lawyer to get those reports and ONLY if he had just cause. However in order to remove a child from thier home for any kind of abuse it takes a police officer. H&W CPS CAN NOT remove a child from the home. NOT even with reports on file! CPS when they have reson to suspect abuse must have a Police officer go to the home and declair that the child is in immenent danger! Only the police can remove a child for that reson alone. Next time, and I suspect there will probably be a next time, you see her unsupervised ect... make a phone call to the police and report a child wandering astray, and it also helps to add that you belive their to be drug use in the home. If when the cop responds to the sceen he suspects neglect and can not return the child to its home then he will deem them in immenent danger and place the child in the custody of CPS. If you watch dilligently and place a phone call to CPS to let them know who you are and that you have a custody order for NCP and then push your way through the BS that always seems to follow then you have a good chance of having the child placed with you while the shelter care hearing is taking place. At the shelter care hearing the judge will determin if there is cause to hold the child in custody of CPS and what the best possible placment for the child would be in the mean time. It is usually a long shot and you would need to be able to get licenced as a Foster Home pretty fast but sometimes it is all you have. My DH and I did the same thing for my step children.

momof7

if I am reading your post right, what I think I am reading is that we have to have a license to get temporary custody of our own children?  How can that be right?
I thought that if the child has a father who has visitation, then the children automatically go with him...?
I can't imagine our children being in another person's home when we are available...
please tell me I read this wrong...
Thank you in advance...

jopanate

Here's the thing...if you are a half-way decent person (and because you are searching for advice I think you are) you have NO CHOICE but to do what you can to protect those children.  As for the timing, your pregnancy and your husband's "less than desired effort", so what! Nothing ever happens at "the best" time.  Explain to your husband you are as concerned about his kids as he is, and if you are BOTH going to help them, he needs to step it up a bit.  Yes, your teenage kids can help, but don't put too much on their shoulders.  This is an opportunity to teach all of your kids the way a real family sticks together and takes care of one another.  Good luck and keep us posted!

momof7

your husband's "less than desired effort"   ??
hmmm.. my husband and I are on the same page...
I just had a miscarriage...
I'm really not sure how much more my husband and I can do.. the judge flat out denied our demands..
The judge wrote, "need more evidence to change primary custody" on the document.....so we are gathering the evidence, past, and I'm very sure, future...
maybe I didn't clarify what is going on...
hmmm.. anyway
I do appreciate your thoughts and comments and use everything that I can..

when I say "I" I really mean "we", its just that "I" am typing on the computer.. and I think my husband and I are half-way decent people.. We just don't have primary custody.. :P   and I think that we were showing love by considering all the costs that would be paid if we started a custody battle.. not monetary costs, but rather, the costs to the kids.. they would suffer A LOT because their peace would be disrupted and their home threatened...  

They don't know that they are being neglected.  They think that they have a lot of freedom and can do whatever they want.. and they are right!   :P  

I hope that clarifies some things a bit...

jopanate

I appologize for my post, I am new to this.  I thought the newest post were at the top.  I have been reading on and I am sorry for your loss.  I can't believe the judge denied the request.  It makes me wonder what someone has to do to get custody in this country.  My ex wifwe worked at an escort service and has two felonies pending in court, but the judge won't let me plead my case.  She is using legal aid, and I can't afford a lawyer.  I was hoping to get some ideas here.  Good luck

momof7

Thank you for apologizing..
unfortunately it seems that you are seeing how very hard it is to change custody, especially if you are the man...
We use the legal aid 'cause we can't afford a lawyer either, but sometimes, they are really not helpful..We've been steered the wrong direction on some crucial areas...
I'm sure you will gain some great insights on this site, as we have.   But I always try to remember that in the end, when these kids are adults, they will remember everything that you have said and done.. And you will pay for it dearly or you will reap the benefits of a close relationship with them... That is what's really important...
I wish you all the best..
you would think that her having 2 pending felony cases would help you, have you looked into legal aid for that?  Just claim poverty, they don't actually check... ssshhhhhh.....  the felony cases leave a paper trail, the escort service I don't know..
will she possibley serve jail time?  

jopanate

God knows I pray she will serve some jail time!  That SHOULD make the custody issue easier to decide.  But, with what I've seen from the court sytem, I'm not getting my hopes up.  Everyone talks about "the best intrest of the child" and we all get this warm fuzzy felling, nod our heads and think "Ah!  They want what's best for the kids".  But the courts make it soooo tough to do what's best.  When I first talked to my lawyer about the divorce and told him I wanted custody, he said "unfortunatly, in Nebraska, a woman can show up to court with her pimp and a crack pipe and still get custody".  That didn't make me feel to good, but the irony knocked me on my ass when she showed up to court with her pimp...er escort service owner.  This fact was pointed out to the judge who then said as long as she was never arrested for prostitution, it didn't matter.  Anyway, I digress.  Do you have any suggestions where to go (on this site or off) to get help?

T0052SC

I totally agree, but it doesn't even matter if you are the CP.  I am a CP and deel with constant neglect and abuse to my two young children.  I have made calls to CPS and get the response of I am just trying to get the other parent.  The children's counselor is now involved and hearing first hand from the kids what is going on.  So now hopefully something will happen.  She has already told my EX that she will be the first to call CPS if any of the stuff that I say is going on, and if she was the worker assigned she would assure that she only had supervised visits.

momof7

CPS WENT TO HER HOUSE!!!!
How do I know!?
She has been screaming at us ever sense!
How did she know that we called?
apparently she saw the origniated document with my name as the reporting party.. (My husband's primary language is Spanish, so I did the talking...)
info that she would not have!
OMG!
Isn't that a breach of confidentiality!!!!!!????
hehehe (evil laugh)

she  told me, "its' not any of YOUR business, this is between me and ** (DH)
hmmm...
hello? he initiated the report... (idiot)
I wonder if I should call section 8? (A gov program that pays the rent for low-income people...)
they are the ones paying the rent for her sister and her kids...
section 8 will cut them off so fast because she is committing FRAUD! BM is living there illegally..

As far as informing Section 8... here's the thing....

We are only paying $659 a month in Child Support..  I honestly think its very little, but no, I don't want to pay any more..  
She does receive food stamps and Medi-Cal..
But she does not receive Welfare (I don't know why... fraud? time limits?)
So in reality, there is no way in he|| that she could afford to live anywhere else than with her sister. She has 4 kids (3 of which are ours..)
How on earth could she afford to pay rent, utilities, ect on an income of only $659 / month..
I guess we are worried that she will attempt to move away to Los Angeles which is 9 hours away. (she has brothers there) Right now she is blocked by court documents to do that, but that won't stop her from petitioning the courts to do that.
So, its always very complicated I guess.
oh, did I mention that she is an illegal alien, so therefore it is technically "illegal" for her to work, nor has she EVER had a job??
Her being her in the US illegally has never helped us in the courts, so that really is a mute point I guess.  My husband is a US citizen, by the way.


But CPS DID bring up the issue of 9 kids in the 3 bdrm house.

 Would they force the issue? :o (and the kids were all home because it is summer vacation) :D

I will anxiously await your comments, they are very helpful..

jopanate

YEAH!!!!  It's about time there was some movement!  Let's hope the Gov. officials aren't distracted by something shiny until it's resolved!

wendl

Thats great, especially when CPS usually dose swat when a ncp calls them.

Prayers the kids remain safe. and omg 9 people in a 3 bdr ewwww.

I am suprised section 8 hasn't caught on, I know a friend of mine was on section 8 and they came periodicially to the house (they make an appointment 1st) my friend had her boyfriend living with her and her 4 kids but when section 8 people call to make an appt, all his belongings went into the car.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

flewwellin

I think that for the safety of your stepson you should definitely pursue custody