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Joint custody??? Not a good route for the kids?

Started by christa00, Mar 16, 2009, 01:07:56 PM

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christa00

  Me and my ex haved joint custody,shared and physical. In April he met and started dating a woman, 3 months later her and her daughter moved in with him, much to my daughters discontent. Anothert 3 months later girlfriend was pregnant! Again my daughter was upset. I should tell you I do not like this woman, not because I know her but what i know of her. My ex has always called me to take our daughter when he had to work or if something came up. Now he uses girlfriend as his sittert. SShe even takes my daughter to and from school while on visits with dad. Joint custody does not work unless the parents work together. I am finding that impossible, coordinating healthcare is near impossible when he disagrees with everything. Anyone else with joint custody issues?

ocean

You really need to think this out. Are you remarried? Does he help out with your daughter? It is the same thing...
You should be thankful that she wants to be involved in your daughters school and activities. His week/visitation is his time. You would have to prove she is unfit. As a step-mom and and bio-mom I have been on both sides of this. They had a child together and that is not your business. This is your daughter's sibling and her father is moving on with his life. He is including her since he has half physical custody and does not need your permission on his days. Please remember that you are getting your info from a child that wants to make you happy. Maybe call the girlfriend on the phone and have a conversation? or confront your ex on a particular issue with your daughter there so she does not play the two parents.

Medical- Depends..what are we talking about here? Medication issues? Appointments?

christa00

 should have been more clear. Yes I am remarried and have an 8 month old son. The issues arising and getting worse by the day are that daughter has been in therapy since aug. due to girlfriend, don't really know what exactly is going on. All I ever get is" I just don't like her".  I assume this is because girlfriend and girlfriend's daughter take up her time with her dad, but none the less, my ex did not take our child's best intrest into mind when he started dating. He lied and told her he was going to stay single, then when he started dating he told her he had to start his life and she would have to deal with it. Then they moved in and he told her things would get easier then she got pregnant and he told her things would get better. Health care I mean dental for instance, last june our daughter was referred for braces, ex refused so we didn't go, this past january referred again, and it took going to court to get him to agree on the appointment. then she got a rash, treated at pediatrician then supposed to see an Allergist which of coarse he calls to complain to doctor about why the pediatrician cannot handle it. we look like idiots alot due to his constant complaints. he doesn't provide med. insurance i do,nor does he pay the bills, i do. nor does he pay child support or anything else. Today I find out girlfriend cannot take daughter to or from school as she is not a parent or gaurdian, so of coarse more money is spent on evals and emergency relief orders as child states she only wants parents taking her to and from school. What a mess!

ocean

Why cant you bring daughter on your time to dr and if he takes it to court...have the dr referral to give to court??? Or file for dental/medical decisions to be made by you but keep the visits the same?

What do you mean, parents can only bring kids to school? That is not true, each parent can put down their own emergency people for their time when child is in their custody.

Sounds like your daughter is not coping with her father and new family. What is the counselor saying? Does father go in with her to work out these issues? Can girlfriend go in on a session to talk it out with the therapist?

christa00

I have to have permission and consent on everything. Our lawyers have told us we can go into contempt if the other parent is not informed on everything. It clearly states this in our custody order. Neither of us can make a decision on our daughter with the others consent. That is why the order was filed today because my ex knows I am available to get child to school and stay with her after school till he is done working. Why have her with his girlfriend if I am available? Good question, and when I asked him his response was "get over it". That was when I think I realized I have had enough! Before girlfriend He would always ask me to take her for him, I don't nor will I ever cosent to girlfriend being a sitter when I am able to take my child.

ocean

What order was filed today?  (little confused)
He is right though...just like if you went to the store or had to work overtime on your "time" , you husband should be allowed to watch your daughter. The medical part needs to be addressed in court though...You should be able to use the dentist and whatever else you have, to get the medical part changed. Since her dental issues were put off for months should be enough. Do you have that in writing from dentist? and her pediatrician?

christa00

 An emergency relief order. My ex cannot with the guidelines of joint custody just  take out child and leave her with a woman he has only been dating for 10 months. There are millions of other things pertaining to custody but this infuriates me as I am avaiabe and he must give me the right of 1rst refusal.

ocean

What does it say in your order for 1st right of refusal? You already have that part? We have it too but Dh is allowed to leave them home with me (but we are married). Be careful ...it goes both ways so you can not leave her with your Dh either...although the courts may tell you that since they live together it is okay. Ask for this as part of the new order but really go after the medical part and get that changed. If ex gets married you will have to deal with her for the rest of your life, at all major functions.

christa00

According to the lawyers, as long as a parent is available the other parent must call them first if they will be gone more than 3 hours. I do not know my ex's girlfriend so therefore i do not want my child left with her. The girlfriend seems ntimidated by me, but i think she is going by looks.  I cannot help her self esteem is low, or so I assume. She seems to think I want my ex back and that is why this is all going on. She couldn't be farther from the truth.

ocean

You don't have to know her though. I really do not know my dh's ex. I have limited contact with her. Your child has two parents and Dad has a say on who he leaves her with. If you push this, then if you go out for the afternoon on your time then your daughter needs to go to her fathers and not stay home with your husband and baby. Just pick your battles...it sounds like she will be around for a while (they live together and have a child together too). The real issue here is the medical...

When is he not home for more than 3 hours? Right after school? What time does he come home? How close is he to you?

gemini3

Usually first right of refusal applies to child care providers, and the court will not view your ex's partner as a child care provider.  Just as they wouldn't view your significant other as a child care provider.  Your ex-husband can assign someone to take her to and/or from school.  You will have a very hard time getting the court to say otherwise.  Listening to lawyers isn't always the best thing - they know they get a check every time you and your ex go back to court over something, so they don't usually suggest you try and work it out another way.

I went through this when my husband and I started getting serious and I started spending time around the children.  His ex would withold visitation because she didn't want the kids around me.  After we were engaged she refused to let me pick the children up if my husband had to work late, etc.  She went on and on about not "trusting me" with the children, that they "barely knew" me, etc.  They went back to court over it, and the judge sided with my husband.  We've been together more than 3 years now, and she still has issues with me.  When my husband was deployed she didn't want the kids to see me.  The judge changed the visitation order so that it explicitly says they still come for weekend visiation, even if their father is deployed.  Why?  Because the courts realize that it's important for the kids to form healthy relationships with their step-parents.

The problems your daughter is having adjusting to her dad's new situation has a lot to do with how you handle it, and you don't seem to be handling it very well.  When children dislike someone without being able to articulate why it's usually because they just think they're supposed to (because an adult does), and they haven't really thought it through on their own.  Having a new step-parent is difficult to adjust to, and then having a baby thrown into the mix makes it harder.  She's had to deal with it for both parents, and she may be feeling a little lost in the mix.  Instead of fighting with each other, you should work with your ex to make sure that she feels secure in being part of her new blended families.  Supporting her relationship with her new family members will go a long way in that.  You may feel like you're defending your daughter, but unless the your ex's girlfriend is unfit in some way, you're really not doing her any favors.


MomofTwo

I think the last poster gave you some great advice...not saying it is, but it sounds like the real problem is YOUR issues with your ex moving on and having a new girlfriend and baby, not your childs feelings about it.   He is right, you do need to get over it.  He is allowed to have someone else watch your child, unless you have right of first refusal COURT ordered. Quite honestly, it doesn't matter two cents what an attorney tells you unless he is reading your court order and providing you guidance based on the actual order.

Right of first refusal is not something you get unless it is court ordered...you need to check your court orders and see if it is in there....if it is not, you do not have that right, and generally it pertains to a period of time greater than xx amount of hours, not every time the other parent needs to run to the grocery store, etc... and regarding school, unless it says again that you have that right to take her, if it is his time, he has the right and obligation to get her to school whether it is him taking her or his girlfriend.  Your bigger concern would be if they weren't taking her to school at all.

If you don't know your exes girlfriend, maybe as an investment to your childs emotional well being, you need to make the first move and encourage a meeting or lunch to get to know her.  She is not going to replace you in any way in your childs mind or heart.  For your childs sake, get to know her and work together.   I have been in your position and on the other side as well...quite honestly, it gives me peace of mind knowing there is someone who is there with my ex willing to help out and be kind to my children.   

christa00

  I have tried to get to know my ex's girlfriend, she is very bitter and cold when it comes to me. I don't want to sound vain in any way but it is all appearance oriented! She is a big girl with a poor attitude, and I am thin with a better attitude. She gets upset if me and my x discuss our daughter, so all that has stopped. She goes into court with my ex and is always turned out, yet she always wants to comment. I have told her this is not her battle and yet she continues on her evil path. The issue with her watching our child is more of a respect issue. In the past if I had to go anywhere without my child I would call her father to see if he was available and he did the same with me. He never wanted me to leave her with my husband because he was available. Now I feel like I am being slapped in the face for being nice. What the hell more can I do?? We did a custody order around his schedule, weekends around girlfriends daughter's visits, I mean I am at the point where I just wanna say screw it! I am so stressed out over all this, when do we as parents put our children first and our needs second?

gemini3

Maybe her issue with you is that you think you're somehow better than her because you're thin and she isn't.  Jeez!  Shallow much?

christa00

 First I am not shallow. But that is the issue...appearance. Seems she thinks my ex may want be back! Crazy but true. i do not even want him I am remarried and happy. None the less the emergency relief order went through, and because he is in contempt he is responsible for my lawyer fees. HA!

teacher98

 Seems a bit immature in my opinion.  If the child were being put first, Christa, you would be encouraging her to try to form a relationship with the mother of her new sibling and potential new step-mother. Also, if the child were being put first, don't you think it would be much easier to just let her go to and from school in the same home without having to do all of that switching around?  I would hate to think that my fiance's son would have to go home to Mom's before he could come home to Dad's when he went to school from Dad's house just because his father wouldn't be home for 2 or 3 hours.  This is his home just as much as it is mine.  Your situation seems to be more about you than your daughter. She is going to have to live in two homes until she is on her own and it would be in her and your best interest to only choose the big battles (like others have already said) and let her learn to accommodate and adjust to the rest of the "inconveniences" that this type of schedule has. Life is constantly changing, whether parents are married or apart,  and for adults with or without kids.  These can be good life lessons for her and you can be the one to set a strong, mature, womanly example in her life, or you can show her to take an alternative route. Deal with the medical issues and leave the rest alone for the sake of your daughter.

ocean

What was ordered under the emergency relief?

christa00

  The new order states that girlfriend is not to have unsupervised contact until evaluations are completed. My ex was also found in contempt because he did not inform me of daycare changes and tried to cover up he was trying to get girlfriend on emergency contact sheets at school.  There are alot of lies surrounding this custody battle. Somedays I wanna give up because it is very hard to catch a liar, so far I have but it costs alot of time and money As far as some thinking this is about me and not my child..... I have to listen and take in what my daughter tells me, I have gone to her father with what she says, he becomes very confrontational and angry which is odd to me. I wonder why he would get this way. He has gone in and talked to her therapist to try and sway her more in his favor which is just weird. I could sit here and write a book with everything that has happened in less than a year.

gemini3

I find it unusual that the courts would recommend something like that unless there were allegations of some kind of abuse.  You didn't mention any such allegations in your post.  Were they part of your emergency order?

christa00

  True I didn't. I am not alleging abuse, maybe mental abuse but not used for this. Reason was that I am available 100% of the time and our daughter is in therapy for issues with myex's girlfriend. What issues I or I should say we have no idea.  Hopefully we will find out through getting the evals. Plus this is what we have always done in the past before girlfriend entered the picture. Status quo senerio I guess. Plus it's what my daughter wants. i know kids don't really have a say in court but I think being in therapy weighs heavily with a judge.

gemini3


Davy

who put her into therapy, and why?

AND

what unknown issue(s) give rise to an "emergency" hearing

christa00

  She was referred into therapy by her pediatrician, which we both agreed on. She initialy went into therapy to discusee feelings and issues she was having with fathers girlfriend. Personality differences. You have to understand why she would be so confused. Father started dating which was fine with her, she then after 2 years of father being single, was told by her father he didn't want to date anymore and wanted to spend all of his time with her. Then the dates again maybe 3 months after telling her this, meets a woman who has a child, understand our daughter is an only child, so she of coarse has a problem with this, then he tells her, " I don't spend any time with GF's daughter, then he calls from the beach where he is with GF and her daughter. Then they move in, which is when therapy started to try to get feelings out and for her to understand her dad is still her dad. Father then tells her, he wants to date a woman with a child because she won't want anymore, what happens 3 months later??? He tells her she will have a sibling, hmmm. So we continue therapy. In between all this, child is informi9ng both of us about her concerns and when I try to talk with him about it, he says she is perfectly happy and she has no issues. Our daughter has broken a few of GF's things, when I told father, he talked with daughter, what he said I don't know, and then the story changed to the things broken were accidents. I am very confused, father tells child often things will get better, things just seem to be getting worse by the day. I don't even ask anymore how was time at dads because I know she gets weird and won't talk to either of us anymore, just the therapist. Sometimes I worry that she is afraid of hurting us, but I can't tell anymore.

ocean

How old is she? I think you got it now..the child is trying to please both of you. We see it with the kids too. Plus some of this is probably the age and kids can get grumpy! She is not an only child now..she has babies in both house now. She is also trying to cope with your change in your house even if you think it is running smoothly.

Do you talk to the therapist? I would want to go in there and say you need family counseling at this point and both parents (and step parents) should be involved. She has been in therapy a while now..what is the focus of the therapist. I found my kids hated talking about it each week and rehashing it out over and over. Time to find out how you can move forward and maybe move to once a month therapy to make sure/update and see how that goes...just a suggestion. She can have her half your to talk to therapist and come up with a plan on what we would discuss as a family OR I would go in first and say this is what happened we need to discuss this. Your daughter sounds young (to be needed a babysitter) so it is up to the therapist to do this for her. We went to 3 therapists before we found one that actually tried to help our family and not just sit there.

WHat happened with the medical part of the hearing??? dentist?

christa00

The therapist doesn't tell us anything. Confidentiality thing. The medical stuff is all custody related and didn't come up.  She is 11 by the way.

trystero

I'd say this is certainly complicated.  My 2 cents.....

- Daughter/Fathers girlfriend:  I think its a positive thing that she's in some kind of counseling to try to understand her feelings about this new relationship.  With a 1/2 sibling coming into the world soon too, this is probably a relationship that is best resolved.  I'd wonder what/how you might be commenting on the new woman in front of your daughter.  You should be encouraging your daughter to give her a chance, etc.  She could be feeling torn between your opinion of new girl friend and her own feelings.  Tough spot for a near-teenager. 

- Girlfriends 'rights' regarding guardianship, etc.:  Depending on which state you're in, this is probably going to be a tough and expensive up-hill battle.  As far as I know, when my kids are with me for my parenting time, I have the only say on where they go for sleep-overs, who babysits, etc...Before I was remarried, my then girlfriend/fiance had every right to pick up my kids from preschool/kindergarten.  this of course was with ex-'s permission via the school.  Courts were never involved really in that aspect.

- Counselor:  Your daughter is older than my kids, but still a minor.  I am not sure that either you or your ex are excluded from details from the counselor through HIPPA.  That would be a good question to find out.  Seems to me the counselor would want to also meet with you and your ex (together or separately) to help you both understand what her issues are and to try and help the poor child.  She's not in a position to fix it herself and the adults should step up and help.


Just my opinions as another parent with joint custody.  I have my own issues w/ex but still try to do whats best for my kids, not always easy as we all know.  The list of things to share with them when they're adults grows longer all the time!  LOL!


Good luck.  Going through the courts can be very expensive and time consuming...and often very frustrating as well.  You might save yourself some grief by running criminal background checks on the ex through your local PD.  There are also some very good online places where you can check all known public records on a person.  You need to start with basic information, full name and date of birth are a start.  Address where she lived before moving in w/ex, license plate information can be useful too....can help you worry less if you know if she's been convicted of something or has restrating orders filed against her, stuff like that.