NEED HELP ASAP!! SHOULD I TAKE THE DEAL?

[GADAD2004]

Hi,
My goodness, I don't know where to even start with this whole mess.  I am a father of two beautiful little girls 2 & 4.  My ex (not married to) and I lived together for years.  We lived in GA, she went to visit family in NJ with my kids and never came back, left everything here!  I went up there for months to work things out.  I was even willing to move there with them.  I found out a lot of things she was doing.  I got fed up and left and came back to GA to file for custody of the kids.

To anyone who is starting out, this process TAKES FOREVER!! And it is like toture!  I never knew how much a Bio-Father doesn't have rights to.  It has been 5 months since I have seen my little girls.  For 1 month I had ZERO contact with them!  She just kept delaying the process, just because she could.

We just went to medation and it was more like a car sales meeting then working things out.  I'm told that even with my evidence I only have a 40% chance of winning?

I have a job, a home that has THEIR ROOMS in it, a nice yard in a good community.  She has moved them to her mothers home, working as a crossing guard, making less then $300 a month, shoved her and my two kids in 1 room (12x10), and at best the house should be condemed!  Even with all that, not including the sex things I have found out, I still am being told by my lawer that I only have a 40% chance!  I don't get it. 

The deal, I'm told by my lawyer, is a good one.  But for me I just don't think it is becuase it isn't enough time!  I'm going to miss out on so much (parent teacher confrences, little leagues, dances, etc.) and that is killing me.  I'm very angry with mom because of what she has done.  My 4 yr old keeps asking me when she is coming back to GA.  I want to have an answer but I just don't know. 

At medation, I asked for time to think about what the deal was ( 8 weeks in the summer, every other holiday, 1 break(fall, spring), every other weekend).  I just don't think its enough.  I want to fight but I don't want to lose.  I'm thinking I may have to move to NJ but really don't want to.  I just can't see why I would not be given primary custody of the childern.  I just don't want to say later "what if".  Am I wrong?  I feel i'm doing what is best for the kids and she is just being selfish.  I seem to be always hitting a wall that I have to jump over or through. 

Should I take the deal?  Should I fight?  PEOPLE I NEED HELP!!!
Thanks
LOVING AND MISSING MY KIDS DAD IN GA

[brwneyedmom]

How will you see your children every other weekend if they are in NJ and you are in GA?  Who will pay for the transportation?  She should, as she was the one who moved BUT how can she afford it on $300/month income?  Sounds like you got the standard long distance plan without much individual thought put into it by the mediator.  Look at the parenting plans here on this site and see if you can work out something better that fits your individual circumstances.  Your children will soon be in school and want to do activities.  How will you handle a birthday party or dance recital on your weekend?  What if a parent loses a job and cannot pay for the plane tickets any longer? 
There's lots to think about.  Without any pride, my divorce in 1997 was one of the worst in the county and our file is the thickest due to constant filings by my ex.  The damage done to our son was horrific.  I wish that I could go back in time with what I have learned and undo all the fighting in some way. 
There are ways to do this even if she is a jerk.  Or if you are.  Or even if both of you aren't.  I won't make any assumptions.  Shalom to you and your family.

[GADAD2004]

Hi Thanks so much for the info.  Believe me, I have been racking my brains about a lot of what you just said.  Birthdays and so forth are very important to me.  I've been thinking about a couter offer to her so we can settle this and move on.  Half way drives, long weekends, being there for each birthday, and more.  I don't think what I would ask for is out of the norm, but you don't know until you ask, right?  Going to court is something I don't want to do, but am willing to at this time.  Even a fighters chance is better then no chance.  I don't think she thought at all about what the offer really was, but at least I am.  I'm glad I was smart enought to say "I need some time" and all parties agreed to that.  Now that I am not in the pressure cooker, I can think more clearly about what needs to be done to benift my kids.  Even if that means I have to move closer to them. UG!

[ocean]

Until they are school age you can do one week you, one week her (or two weeks you , two weeks her).
I dont understand either how you would do every other weekend with the distance involved.
This is the standard amount of time so she is not really giving you anything...
If you moved to NJ then you would get a day during the week added but prob less in the summer on paper (of course you would be able to go their school stuff more).

Up to you...Since what they are offering is what most courts would give you, maybe take your changes with court.

You could do the one week on thing and then say you will come back when oldest child goes to kindergarten to determine the school she will go to. (see if mom has a better job or if she can move them to a better house).

[Kalkir]

It is not just the first order that is at stake here, it is the future court actions you should consider.  The practicality of frequent visits over that distance is very low, and as soon as she gets tired of the hassle, she will be asking to modify.  And then she will have the intervening year or two as the status quo primary custodian to give her opinion a lot o weight in the court's view.  So you should look at what you want as a practical solution that shows you to the courts, and eventually to your daughters when they are old enough to have perspective, to be a reasonable person willing to make major changes in your life to be involved in your children's lives.

Or decide that you will become a mostly absent parent as determined by the forces that have come to play in your lives.  IF she would agree to 50-50 if you moved into NJ, then take it in my opinion.  Her attorney will probably counsel her against it due to the impact that such a schedule will have on support. 

It is up to you; but I think long distance custodial situationsa re very hard to adjust to.  So far, I have been spared that.  Good luck, and keep your spirits up. 

[GADAD2004]

Hi all!
Thanks so much for the input.  Its weird that you are saying it is what the courts usually offer because I'm being told by my lawyer that this is such a good deal?!?!?!  I THINK IT STINKS!! I want to fight it and see where it goes from there, but I'm afraid of what it will do to my kids.  I want to sheild them as much as I can from the fallout.  It is getting ugly for no reason.  I feel that I have tried to pull back more and not be as agressive because of that.  But she is being VERY agressive.  I'm not sure if I should sweeten the deal or say I'll move up there for the 50/50.  Or if I should fight and maybe win the whole thing.  VERY HARD, I WOULDN'T WISH THIS ON ANYONE!! I'm fearful of what this will do to my children.  Does anyone recommend a support group I can talk with? 

THANK YOU ALL
GA DADDY HURTING..... A LOT!

[shooter]

I have a ?  Why was she allowed to take them out of state?

[Momfortwo]

Since it has been months since she moved to NJ and you didn't file to have her bring the kids back at the time she moved, fighting the relocation is probably not going to be successful.   

And the every other week-end schedule isn't going to work, either.  And neither is the week on week off, especially with their ages and the distance.  And the long-distance parenting plan stinks for that age group, too.   

If it is possible, moving closer to them will allow you to be more involved in their lives.   And if you do move, be sure to include a move away clause in any parenting plan that the two of you agree.  You don't want to go through this again.   

[ocean]

yes, I agree. He did not fight the move away right away. He went to her for a while first so he cant really fight that part. He is fighting for custody now...hard but really he is not getting a deal with this.

If you do agree to this, you can add a lot more and be very specific in everything. She should pay because of the move for travel costs or get a reduction in child support for him to make the trips and later on airline fares.

[GADAD2004]

After talking with my lawyer, I was told that I could not try and have her bring the kids back because we were not married.  I filed in GA under their guide lines of 6 months.  I don't think the deal is good either.  I have a lot of stuff on her, but I  was told " will it be enough bullets in court"?  No one knows.  I'm more worried about going into court and not getting as much as I am about anything else.  I have done nothing wrong to her or my children....ever!  I took them on vacations, fed them, gave them baths, took them to school, and much more!  I don't know why she left, she has never said.  Her lack of communication got us into this mess.  I'm now worried that her lack of communication will continue and she will not tell me stuff about the kids (medical, school, problems, or moving!).  Thanks for all your help, keep the stuff coming!

[Kalkir]

Balancing the need to fight to stay in your children's lives versus trying minimize the exposure to increased levels of hostility between their parents is the two headed dragon of custody disputes.  I always kept in mind that two of the most harmful effects of divorce upon children is 1)loss of contact with one parent, and 2)the forces at play upon their lives when hostility escalates between the parents.  As a consequence I have made some compromises over the years in attempt to balance those two factors.  But when dealing with an unreasonable person as the co-parent, the circumstances often demand that one opposes forcefully the other parent.  After nine years, I still have a very hostile ex who only lowers her hostile stance when she wants to manipulate me or attempts to get me to lower my guard.

Your co-parent has already shown that she is not interested in making things fair, so your good intentions to stop the escalation is a weakness in your resolve to get the best deal possible at this point.  For fathers typically, due to gender bias in family courts, you are forced into a game of grinding out yardage to get good field position.   Right now, you are not even at your own twenty yard line.  To go for a touchdown now is not wise.  You are better off doing everything you can to improve your position for future rounds of litigation. 

Get used to the pain you feel; it is part of the melody of your life for years to come.  The love for your children is the source of your pain, and be grateful for their sakes that you feel it.  Many times the situation is so intolerable that a parent will give up and try to move on.  But that pain can also be a source of motivation to make hard decisions and to choose difficult courses of action.

But understand that if you are far away from them with long periods of no contact, you will feel this pain every time you return them to the other parent, and that will make it quite hard to tolerate the situation.   If you move closer to them, you will still suffer pain.  But it may be easier to bear if you know you will be seeing them frequently. 

[GADAD2004]

First, thank you all for your replys!  They have been helpful.  So, what then should I be asking more of? Time, money, less CS, etc?  I'm confused as to what I can ask for.  Any help would be great!

GA DAD MISSING HIS KIDS

[ocean]

Some Ideas:

When do you have off from work? Do you have long weekends or someone that can watch them while you are at work? If yes,

Then ask for to parenting plans now..first one is until they start school. Put all the long holiday weekends or make them into weeks (and use family/daycare). I say this because until they are school aged you can probably make it work to see them longer now...

Then have one court ordered at soon as oldest child hits kindergarten the parenting plan will be changed to:
Get the local school calendar on-line. See when they have off and ask for all breaks (Jewish holidays, long weekends, columbus day..etc..winter break, spring break, summer schedule (be specific, what day, time can you get them, where...) Bithdays...

You can put a clause in there that if you were to move within 50 miles father would get every other weekend visitation and a day during the week (name the day afterschool until 8pm). or even ask for 2 days...

Child support vs Visitation costs...figure how much in gas it would be to get up and back to see kids....you can meet at a half way point or you can pick them up and the she comes and gets them at the end. Plane costs...
Mother will pay for thanksgiving, summer visit, and spring break to fly kids to father/or drive them to father... (or whatever you want them). Or you can ask for a reduction in child support for travel costs for meeting half way and needs to be a good amount.

Who pays for extra activities? if you pay any share have a clause in there that states "father is allowed to attend activites and have equal access to get tickets for activities/recital".

Clause that states: father is to have eqaul access to school records, attend any school functions (you will need this for the school if you want to come on Field Day, concerts and she doesnt want you there. They put your divorce papers in your child's school folder).

Clause: you have access to medical record including dental, counseling, pychological, orthodontist. Father is allowed to atttend all of these appointments and be afforded the same considereation as the mother.

You can ask for specific phone times to call the kids and have them available to talk to. If you both have web cams you can have a time once a week where you can talk by way of webcam. Be specific time and day.

clause: IF father is in kids home state, he can have access to the children. He will give 48 hours notice. He will be allowed to get children afterschool...(not sure how you want to word this but you get the idea...detailed as possible)

Bottom line is you need to have EVERYTHING in writing or it is not there according to the courts. If you have it very detailed to times, days, and how exactly things should happen and she doesnt follow through then you can go back on contempt of court but it has to be clear.

Good luck!

[GADAD2004]

OK,
All those things sound really good! Thank you.  So lets say she doesn't follow through on things, what happens then?  Can I bring her back to court?  Can I take custody of the kids?  Can she ask for everything to be modified?  I have agreed with all of you, the deal doesn't sound very good and not much thought has been put into it.  We need more detail, and I need more time with my kids.  Keep the ideas coming.
THANK YOU ALL!!

[ocean]

HI,
If it is in your papers and she doesn't follow it then you can bring her back to court for "contempt of court" where she would have to give her reasons why she is not following the court order. This takes weeks to get into to court and then months sometimes to get a decision. Family court if VERYYYYYY slow.

Both of you at anytime can ask for a modification BUT you need to prove why it needs to change (loss of job, different school hours, father lives closer, mother is moving...)

Once custody is given to her, you will not get it back unless you prove neglect and CPS is involved. It is VERY VERY hard to change custody.

[GADAD2004]

Hi All,
OK, with what all of you have said, here is what I think I need to do:

1.  Get more then what she is asking
2.  Make sure its all in writing
3.  Be as specific as possible
4.  Set myself up better down the road for custody

If not, fight and roll the dice.  Right??  Keep up the ideas so I can talk with my lawyer tomorrow.  ALL OF YOU HAVE BEEN SO GREAT AND SUPPORTIVE!!  THANK YOU

[ocean]

The only way you will get custody is if you win now...once it in on paper that she has primary custody you are done. Sorry but true..now..as for custody..there are two types..

Sole custody and Joint Custody- You want Joint custody, that gives you equal rights regarding medical decisions, school choices, legal things. This does NOT mean you have equal parenting time just making major decisions. Sole means she makes all decisions,

Then..
Someone is named Custodial Parent- That is where the child lives more than half time and will go to school.
Other parent is the Non-Custodial Parent- Visiting parent...
In some places they do give out joint physical placement but you would have to move to NJ and ask for HALF the time.

That is why all the other things below mean so much. If she gets named custodial parent there is no changing that unless there is neglect..which is very hard to prove. Once she is named CP then you need to follow whatever schedule you have in place.

Also, you may not get to keep the case by you...I am not sure but others can answer this...once she is with child up in NJ she can ask for the case to be moved to her homestate. Some people have gotten it written that the case will stay in original state until both parents move out of that state. This is good so you can keep things close to you if things go wrong.

[Kalkir]

Most states will take jurisdiction once residency of the child has been established in their state for 6 months and any action in a different state is completed (eg a final order).

[Davy]

Let's cut to the chase.  Since the mother crossed state lines she has "dirty hands" and the children have unofficially been kidnapped.  A parent that takes such action thus keeping the child(ren) from a relationship with the other parent and is an abusive parent.  Statistically, children that find themselves in this condition are, and should be considered at risk or endangered either in the present or in the future.  Your  GA Attorney / court may (it appears) desire to treat your case as if the parties lived across town from each other so it is easier for them to maintain the status quo and even some posters may want to post likewise. 

Since a parent has abscounded with the children to a different state your case and arguments take on a different light and it is dead serious because the children are at great risk of their father becoming seriously disenfranchised from them in the future.  The statues you should soon become familiar with are the UCCJA and PKPA along with the criminal code for being denied access to your children.  All documented in the articles section of this site.  These statues have governed interstate custody disputes for a very long time and there are many reasons there statues exists and did not just pop up out of nowhere. Generally speaking it is becasuse children are at such risk.  These statues are relevant irregardless of marriage between the parents and there certainly is no emphasis whatsoever on the timeliness of seeking return of the children.  Conversely, it will/should be looked upon as positive that you attempted the return of the children without court intervention.  By the way, Ga will commonly remain the home state as long as the left-behind parent remains living there (ie contempt motions, etc).  A change just does not  occur after 6 months and is very winnable if you fight it (More $$).

Unfortunately, don't expect either state to order the children return.  Sorry !!  But they might or would if the father were the abscounding parent.  Your basically involved in an unusually long battle no matter what.  Do practically anything to get the kids back in GA.

I may have missed it.  Are there currently any court orders pertaining to the either party ??
One would assume yes at this point.

[ocean]

Davy you are right except he did not file right away. He went to NJ to try to work it out then came back after a while.
If he filed right away then he would of had a fighting chance...

[GADAD2004]

From what i was told, whether I fought it the next day or before the 6 month time period it didn't matter.  Since I had no legal rights to the kids because we were not married she could leave the state with the kids.  There is no court order at this time because the system is SO slow and she dragged her feet (and could and can get away with it).  I keep thinking to fight at all costs.   But I don't know if that will return my children any time soon.  Over 5 months now have gone by and my children are growing up without me.  Medation didn't do anything.  People on here were right, the plan had no thought put into it for her, me or the kids.  It was just thrown out there. 

I feel my lawyer is the "DOOM AND GLOOM" lawyer which is exactly what I didn't want.  When I did my research on him I was told he was good.  I'm disappointed in his position on things.  I feel I might want to find a different lawyer.  Do you think it would look bad on me if that happened?  I just don't feel my current lawyer is being agressive enough. 

I have heard a lot that GA courts keep kids in GA. 

DO I FIGHT AND ROLL THE DICE, OR DO I SETTLE FOR MORE THAN WHAT IS OFFERED??

HELP!

[Davy]

Except for the 6 month consideration which is actually only valid to maintain home state (GA) jurisdiction and then only if the abscounding parent filed in the foreign state (ie NJ) after the 6 months.  The " file right away / fighting chance " rhetoric is a joke and would be hillarious if these matters were not so serious.  Momofftoo makes these invalid insertions to turn the thread to accept the mother superior - possession is 99.9% bogus rule of law -  father relocates and MAYBE gets a visitation deal - sick mentality.   

In the day, attorneys would tell fathers that possession is 99.9% of the law and to FORGET your children ... they' ll PROBABLY try to find ya when they get much older.

The interstate uniform staues do not require marriage as a requirement to obtain possession of the children  and foreign states are required to respect and comply with the court orders of other states SO find a way to be named the custofial parent in GA (no opposing party present) and present order in NJ (sheriff) for a pick-up order and bring the kids home.

ONLY focus on the short and long term needs of the children and interview/manage attorneys/courts in that mindset.  Try not to say to much negative about the mother and always be polite.  R & R as much as possible and take good care of yourself for better functioning.

The system does not give a shit about your kids or you while Gramma and mom are waiting to be financially rewarded (ie kids for sale)....

[Momfortwo]

Momofftoo makes these invalid insertions to turn the thread to accept the mother superior - possession is 99.9% bogus rule of law -  father relocates and MAYBE gets a visitation deal - sick mentality.   

What an utterly assinine statement. 

He didn't file right away to show the courts that he wasn't okay with the move, this could lead a court to state that he accepted the move by his inaction (and this has happened before when one of the parents move away).  In fact, he moved out there.  And if he had anything sent there with his name on it, that is going to help the mother's case even more.  And may very well put jurisdiction in NJ. 

Sick mentality?  Wow,  you really do have issues, don't you?  I suggest that you work on them.  Now off to find out if there is a filter feature. 

[Davy]

It is so clear that you no nothing .. absolutely nothing.  What on earth was the left-behind parent suppose to file. 

What made-up defining moment or event do you have , other than your illogical general statements to indicate father approval of the move or secure jurisdiction over the father or any such fact....not conjecture.  You just don't make a lick of sense and what you say  is NOT the way it works.

[Momfortwo]

It is so clear that you no nothing .. absolutely nothing.  What on earth was the left-behind parent suppose to file. 

What made-up defining moment or event do you have , other than your illogical general statements to indicate father approval of the move or secure jurisdiction over the father or any such fact....not conjecture.  You just don't make a lick of sense and what you say  is NOT the way it works.

So I know nothing?  Because you say so?  Sorry, after reading several of your posts, it is clear that your attempted insult fell far short.   And it is equally clear that you really don't know much about what you are talking about.

It's called a RESTRAINING ORDER.  What would be in the restraining order, you might wonder?  Well, what it would say is that the mother has to bring the children back to the original state and that she would be prevented from moving the children out of state again while the matter of custody and parenting time is settled.   

Of course, too much time has passed for the father to be able to do this.  It's called implied consent.  That is how a judge MAY view his inaction.  And when it comes to light that he actually moved there to try to work things out, it's going to be more than implied consent.  It's going to be implicit consent.

[Davy]

For sake of clarity and to asist the OP I will continue with my own personal experience of being in a very similiar situation.  Just FYI, a Restraining Order looses it's strenght at the state line and, in addition, a judge in NJ has absolutely no personal or other jurisdiction over a Texan or a Californian or a Floridian or ... hopefully you get the point.  Really .. a parent can take their child any where without restraint and absent a custody order.  In the case at hand, the mother can not be restrained from taking the children to NJ absent a prohibitive custody order.  Likewise,  the father, if he chose, could have removed the children from NJ and legally returned them to GA since a court order is non-existent. 

When chldren cross state lines the Uniformed Child Custody Jurisdiction Act (UCCJA); or variation thereof, is invoked along with the accompanying Federal Statues Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act (PKPA).  Local practices go out the window.  There is not much room for a judges discretion as intended or the so-called "implied consent".  The statues are fairly straight forward.  The UCCJA/PKPA  require a 6 month custody filing to GUARANTEE home state jurisdiction and there is no other gitty-up-go file right away requirements or lost of a fighting chance barrier either by statue or practice.  Often a left-behind parent might use this time to try to locate the children, gather funds for attorneys, etc.  Personally, I held up filing against the wishes of the home state court because I didn't believe in divorce (home state did not bifurcate).

This GA father left home and traveled to NJ to attempt to resolve these matters.  GA home state jurisdiction would have been jeopardized had he been "served" in the NJ foreign state.  I only traveled to the foreign state under the cloak of darkness wearing a clown suit.  My foreign state was desperate to gain jurisdiction over my body based on significant connection standards ( I was born & raised & drafted from there, owned property, and had existing business contracts there; plus) but they clearly lost.  The PKPA was invoked and the kids and I won there also....

... I was the CP with standard long-distant court-ordered visitation paying all travel costs along with CS to the NCP ....some of you may want to chew on that a while.

I had excellent, competent attorneys in both the home state and the abscounded to state.  I spent hours in law libraries reviewing cases to confirm the advice I was given, looking for alternatives, and homing pro se'  skills.

I suspect the court will/does respect GADAD for his functioning as he has focused on the well-being of the children.  GADAD may want to consider retaining a well-versed interstate custody attorney or better yet a rule of law type attorney from outside the local good-ole-boy system.

Momofftoo..school is out ......

[Momfortwo]

Momofftoo..school is out ......

Too bad the so-called teacher didn't know anything.  Can I have a refund? 

To the original poster, move away cases are getting harder and harder for the CP to win.  In other words, it's not as easy as it was ages ago.  Unfortunately, enough time has passed that the courts will view you as having accepted it.
Case in point, a Georgia mother wanted to move to a different state, she lost custody.  Of course, the father fought it from the beginning. 

And if GA retains jurisdictions (and the sooner you file, the better chance you have of this) ALL issues regarding child support and custody will be handled in GA.    Which means that the mother is the one who travels to court, not you. 

[Kalkir]

Is there any way you two can argue your points without trying to score personal points on one another?  The peeing contest makes it hard to stay focused on the issues.

[Momfortwo]

Is there any way you two can argue your points without trying to score personal points on one another?  The peeing contest makes it hard to stay focused on the issues.

I am sorry, normally I don't stoop to the other person's level.  I will just try to ignore him in the future.  It would be helpful if this forum had an ignore user feature. 

[Kalkir]

I appreciate that, as you both have valid points despite the disparity in aspect.

[Davy]

KalKir;  It might be to your benefit and opinions to review the purpose and intent of Sparc.  Also look around this site and you will discover a wealth of info. and support.  The contributions of a lot of good people over a long period of time made this happen much of which occured before my arrival.  God bless them all ... many have been served.

I post here to help people primarily for the what I perceive as for the well-being of children.
Ultimately, the reason is because of what happened to my children.  Hope you understand.

In other words, I'm not here to argue a peeing match, to be popular, or be elected homecoming queen.  If I see a poster carrying themselves as an authority while grossly supplying mis-information like in sayiig "the judge will"  then I will intervene when I'm intimate with the subject matter.

I'm usually serious about this board.

By the way, can you please elaborate instead of making a general statement about valid points.

GADAD; I sincerely hope the info. is at very least reassuring as you apply it to your needs.

MomOffToo;  ...

[Kalkir]

My original handle on this board does not load for some reason.  I used to be on this board as Lacunar; some here may recall me.  I started posting here in January of 2001, so I am familiar with the website.  I remember when you started first posting here, so I am familar with you.  After a few years of litigation, I tried to find ways of NOT thinking about my case, so I stopped coming here.  But I have always been grateful for the support and advice I got here.

Your ad hominen attacks against other posters, Davy, discredit you, and distract from the thesis of the discussion here: should the OP accept a deal or not.  He himself is torn on how to proceed, and although your points about the legal validity of maintaining a GA jurisdiction and opposing the NJ residency are accurate, it does not mean that he will prevail. 

Momoftwo's point that he has delayed his case and given time for New Jersey to become the locale where the children have become acclimated cannot be discounted.  It will depend on the judge in the case and that is an unknown factor to those of us giving him advice. 

My point is this: the children need regular contact with both parents as soon as possible for their well being.  I suggest he find the most practical way of making that happen.  My other point is that win or lose, long distance shared custody is painful for all parties.

[GADAD2004]

OK here is an update,
First thank you for all the help you have provided.  I'm sorry to see that there was issues going on with this blog.  PLEASE STOP!  I have enough issues in my life right now, I don't want to read any more negative stuff on here, only positive stuff that I can move forward with to help my children. 

With that said, I talk with my lawyer this morning with a lot of the information I recived on here. 

I asked him about settling vs fighing.  Again he said he doesn't belive I have enough bullets in the gun to make a change.  I do feel he has given up even thinking about fighting the case.  I think I may need a new lawyer.

I asked him about who gets the "standard package" the dad who loves, supports, takes care of, and helps the child or the one who treats them badly and why mom left.  He said it didn't matter, that's what I would get.  Which is every other weekend, every other holiday, and only 4 weeks in the summer.  WHAT CRAP!!!

I asked him about the 50/50 split if I have to move to NJ.  He said we can ask for anything, it doesn't mean she will accept it.  I would have to fight that in NJ if I move there.

I DO have to pay CS while they are with me over the summer- so mom can have money to play while the kids are with me. Go figure

They will not allow the half way deal for every other weekend or allow me less support because of the cost.  They would allow half way for holidays and summer break. 

There can be a no move clause in the order, but she can break it without much of an issue

She or I can ask for modification at any time

I did not even get into the questions about fighting, at this time it is just not worth it.  I feel I need a more agressive lawyer.  So here is my new question to all of you:

Do I ask for the moon and get what I can?  Or do I find a new lawyer and fight to the death!?!?!!

PLEASE HELP..... I AM CONFUSED.

A side note.  I was reading about the time period.  NJ or GA it didn't matter, I had a full 6 months to file.  It didn't look good or bad that I waited until the last second.  She couldn't file in NJ because she was not considered a resident (didn't change address, or dirvers lic, or banks).  I think I have a better then 40% chance, but I don't know.  I'm being told I will be given less, which doesn't make any sense.  This whole system seems to be set for good fathers to lose and bad moms to win and the kids to suffer.  I feel the kids need both of us in their lives as much as they can.  Dads out there that are going though this, are there support groups for this?  How about orgizations that help dads pick thourgh what is best?  HELP

THANKS AGAIN!!

[Kitty C.]

' This whole system seems to be set for good fathers to lose and bad moms to win and the kids to suffer.'

You are ABSOLUTELY right.......and that is why this site is here,  because the judicial system is so unfair to fathers and children.  All those bullets you mention.....is that what your current atty. told you?  Because if so, he is exactly right.  Some jurisdictions are more gender-neutral, but they are few and far between.  That 'standard package' is pretty much the norm, which is why this site was developed and we fight so hard to get the laws changed.  Sometimes even when we DO get the laws changed (like here in IA), many judges refuse to follow it or find some loophole to work around it.

Yes, it sucks....paying CS while the kids are with you sucks, but the 'principle' is that the CS is to go to the costs of maintaining a home and the CP still has to maintain that home while the kids are gone.  Doesn't do anything for the NCP, when they have to continue CS and try to have a little left over to take care of the kids while they are with the NCP.

Bottom line is....you can fight as much or as little as you want.  It all depends on how much money you're willing to put into the fight, how much time you want to invest in it (some cases can go on for years), and what you will settle for.  There are SO many factors that can change the course of this:  how willing BM is to work with you, how willing the courts are willing to work with you, whether GA or NJ will cooperate and how, etc.  You can certainly seek out a more aggressive atty., but you also have to think about how this 'fight' will affect not only you but your kids, too.  If this turns into a protracted affair, the longer it takes the more it will affect them.

Let's put it another way.......if fathers and children would get a fair shake in the system, there would be no reason for this site to exist.  There have been many tales on this site through the years of cases very similar to yours, but always remember that what works for one may not necessarily work for another.  Every case is different because you're dealing with human nature.....cases can be as different as fingerprints.

I know this doesn't sound very hopeful....but it's reality.  You have to work with what you've got and only you can know and decide what you want out of this, what is best for the kids, and how far you are willing to go to achieve that.  But always keep your focus on the best interests of the children.