Father wins custody

[daddymccoy21]

It took me almost 3 years, but I finally won custody of my daughter. I am posting this to encourage any dads out there who are hestitant to try, or have tried and failed.

It makes me sick how the Family Court System is totally biased! I had to fight and fight and fight. I even had to pay for my ex's attorney's fees. At one point a had a lawyer, but he just sucked my money dry.

I owe alot of my success to an ebook I found. It was called "FAMILY LAW SECRETS REVEALED - FATHERS EDITION" (http://www.familylawsecrets.com) I also want to thank the SPARC archives! I found this site a few months ago and it helped answer a ton of my questions.

Good luck to all you fathers out there! You can get custody, I promise!

[MYSONSDAD]

Congrats on your child's win. There are several Fathers here that have gone pro se. Many fathers can't afford the $29 to buy this book.

Share some of the strategies....
 
"Children learn what they live"

[JW]

Just what I wanted to hear, kind of. I am starting a custody battle today - I paid my retainer this morning. I had piles of documentation, so hopefully it won't take 3 years. My daughter WANTS to be with me and calls my fiancee "mommy," so that tells you something. Again, congrats and keep us posted. How did you finally achieve this goal? what was the turning point? What was your most powerful "weapon?" TELL US MORE.

[daddymccoy21]

Well, the fact that your kid calls your soon to be wife mom is a good start. If I were you, Id get your money back from that lawyer RIGHT NOW! Seriously, I wasted thousands on lawyers - and they actually made it harder for me to win.

One thing I noticed was that lawyers speak for you to the judge. MOST judges are good people, and if you speak for yourself will actually listen to you.

The main thing I did to get custody was to request a psychological evaluation. It was expensive ($4,500) and I had to pay for it all! But after hours and hours of test and interviews, the evaluator (who I had the judge pick) recommended to the courts that I have custody.

If you go this route, you really need to make sure that you are a good parent, and that your kids do love you and want to be with you. Once I got the favorable evaluation, there was no looking back for the courts. The other side can ask for a trial to argue the eval, but judges accept the reccommendation 99% of the time.

Again, you dont have to waste your money on your lawyer.  You can do it yourself. There are plenty of resources out there (like this site) to help you.

[JW]

Thanks for the suggestion, but I live two states away and this would be difficult. Also, don't both parents have to agree? Mine won't - I can guarantee that. She knows my daughter wants to be with me and keeps stating that nothing will change because "it's in the papers." I never knew she was so silly as to think that papers can't be changed. She really believes this. I have tried negotiating and talking with her, but with no luck. She can't afford a lawyer, which may help. She got evicted about 3 weeks ago and she and my daughter are living with friends. I have contacted child services to make a "surprise" visit after school as I have discovered that my 9 year old is babysitting a 5 year old daily from 3:00 - 5:30. This should get the ball rolling. Any other advice?

[daddymccoy21]

If you think that the kids are in danger or should be removed immediately from her care, you can file for an ex parte (emergency hearding).  You see a judge in 24 hours and if that judge thinks that the kids need to be moved he can make interim orders right then and there.

But, If you KNOW that your kids want to be with you, ask for a 730 evaluation. It will show everything, and like one judge said to me, "Are you sure you want to do this? You are showing all your cards, and you had better be able to back it up."

I learned all of this from that ebook I mentioned. Its really helpfull. I cant post the whole book in here (id probably get busted somehow), but you should check it out. http://www.familylawsecrets.com - Even though you hired a lawyer, you can know what you can do, rather than relying on him all the time.

[JW]

What state are you in? I will be in Alabama. Is a 730 evaluation a standard in all states? I think my attorney is already filing the ex parte hearing. Thanks again for your help.

[cowboy crazy]

My husband is in the middle of a custody battle for his children, the oldest is very adament about living with us, the youngest wants to live in both places and is happy with each parent.  Both of the children call me mom and I have very good relationships with both of them.  We are doing the psychological evaluations too - the ex started hers this week, we start ours next week and they go thru the beginning of December.
What should we expect during these evaluations, what do we say, ANY help would be great!!!  

[JW]

Was this court ordered, or did the ex volunteer? I hate to take years to get this done. Any help is appreciated. And we live in different states, so it would be different evaluators. I don't think that would be fair, either. I'm like you. ANY help would be great. I'm glad to see there are others that realize dads can be, and often are, better parents than moms.

[daddymccoy21]

My eval was my request. I had to pay for it all...but that just showed the courts how much I really did care. REMEMBER that the courts want what is "BEST FOR THE CHILD"...the parent that shows them that this usually is the best thing for the kid.

There is an old story about a man who went to court and said, "My child cant take this anymore. The back and forth is killing him. We cant cut him up into two pieces, but that is what we are trying to do. I am willing to give up the battle just so that he can be happy."

The courts gave that dad custody,  basically because of what he said.

Im not saying you should do this, but show them that no matter what the cost, no matter how long it takes, you want what is BEST for that kid.

[JW]

Sounds familiar, like the parable perhaps? The difference is my child is NOT happy. I don't know if spending more money really proves anything other than I can spend more money than she can. It's not that she's a BAD parent, she's an apathetic one. It seems so unfair that just because she's "the mother" she should get preference. I know times are changing, but not fast enough to save our children.

[daddymccoy21]

Very true. My ex once used the arguement, "well, you have to work.  So I should have the kids." C'mon, are you kidding me?

It doesnt show that you have more money, if you request and eval and offer to pay, it truely shows that you are taking the steps to find out what is best.

fathers have a very hard time in court. It is VERY tough to make anything happen. Keep pushing and you have a chance.

[JW]

Oh, I'm going to push, have no doubt. I think that's my ex's fear. I have tried to talk to her nicely, and explain my position, but she still swears by "the papers." I think there's more going on down there than I know and she's afraid I'm going to find out. I live 250 miles away and she thinks she can hide what she's doing and/or not doing, but she forgets I'm from there, she's not. Anyway - I just want my daughter to be happy and well-adjusted. Good luck with your daughter.

[cowboy crazy]

We requested ours too, but thankfully the expenses are split but it is still costing us $4000 for just our half.  But we feel that it is worth it and hopefully her true colors will come out and they will finally see what we have been seeing for the last several years!

[daddymccoy21]

Trust me, it will. There is no "fooling" the evaluator. I can't stress how important it is to BE YOURSELF - they totally know who is faking it.  When they ask you tough questions about your ex, like how you feel about them - tell the truth.

One thing to that stood out in my eval, was that when we were asked what we thought was the best thing for my daughter - I straight out said "Me. I am the best thing for her. I know that we have a close relationship and she will be comforatable and happy with me." When my ex was asked, she said, "well, there is no real answer to that. She loves us both. Its really hard."

Ok, which answer sounds canned to you? I was honest, she tried to play the nice lady card. ust tell the truth about EVERYTHING. I let the evaluator know that I really didnt like my ex. That I though our child would have a harder time in school and in life if she stayed with her.

Anyways, I could go on forever.

[cowboy crazy]

My husband nor I will have a problem stating that the best thing for the children would be to live with us.  But the ex will say the same thing after all she is the only one who can take care of them properly!! :)  We will be honest and we have TONS of documentation and conversations to give to him too.  Not to mention that the oldest is very adament about living here and is very anxious to talk to the evaluator - she wants this over and to move with us asap!

[Dr.Stepmom]

A couple comments:
1. I am a Stepmom as well as a Mom and in my opinion, no matter what BM does, you have to encourage the kids' relationship with her and let her keep her title.
2. Some people do OK without a lawyer, most don't know enough to navigate the legal system alone.  We find that our lawyer is most helpful in making us watch our behavior when emotions get the best of us...I think many posters would agree not to try this alone!
3. We got a psychological evaluation and our evaluator totally missed the boat.  DH and I had normal valid MMPIs (objective test of personality) and BM and her hubbie had invalid tests.  This was ingnored and he instead choose to rely on Rorsharch results (felt by most to be bunk) which showed Mom was normal (not even close!!!!!) and DH is a narcissist.  Evaluators are human, can easily make mistakes and often err in favor of the status quo, even if it isn't the best plan.
4. We are now getting better results using a Special Master....this is a lawyer that hears both sides of the story and solves our disputes.  He keeps us out of court, his rulings are court orders and must be followed and he will have a better long term feeling of the personality and actions of everyone involved.  When we do go back to court or our custody evaluator to have custody changed he will be a great asset.

Just my opinions (and I have been through 4 years of fighting, and have 13 more ahead of me!), hope they help.

Dr.Stepmom (and now Dr.Mom too)

[Dr.Stepmom]

You are lucky, our evaluator was fooled (read my other posting for more info).  Mom lied repeatedly and when she was caught it was ignored (she even lied about the pediatrician saying we abused ss and when the pediatrician responded that he never said that all the evaluator took away was.."no abuse", not "Mom is willing to lie about anything to get her way").  We told the truth and the evaluator was sure (though he had no proof) that we must be exaggerating.  After the report came out, it came to light that BM broke protocol and did not serve us with any of the documents that she gave the evaluator and her lawyer told the evaluator that BM would stop at nothing to make sure we never saw SS again (though he awarded joint custody 70/30 in favor of BM).  Evaluators response????? He ordered BM to get counseling (which I am sure she will never do) and otherwise left primary custody with BM.  That is justice (in our world anyway).

All in all, try to get the best evaluator you can but keep in mind that you may still get screwed....Sorry.

[daddymccoy21]

Well, another chink in the armor yesterday for my case. The opposing party is now claiming that the evaluator that the COURT selected is was biased, and is now requesting that a court appointed conselor be assigend to our 4 year old, because I am "harming" the child. HAHAHAH!

[JW]

Thanks for the advice on evaluators. I have just discovered that my nine year old has once again moved, and isn't even enrolled in school yet. This will be the 3rd school since Labor Day, and the 3rd residence. And yet I need an evaluator to tell me something is wrong with my ex? Who would do this to a child? My ex has a good job and I send her plenty of money and I see my daughter on a regular basis, but she insists she can "do anything she wants" becaus of the "papers." She knows I am filing for a change in visitation and child support, and I am attempting to get temporary physical custody until all this settles.

My ex is having surgery today, again, and is keeping my daughter at the hospital with her the next three days and sending her home with her parents at night. Then, when she gets out Thursday, is keeping her home to help "take care" of her. Does anyone else think this is sick, and selfish? My child will miss 6 days of school and isn't even enrolled in a new school yet. She didn't go to school last Friday, either. Of course my attorney is doing all she can, but it's so frustrating that educated professionals can't use some common sense. Just venting - sorry.

[daddymccoy21]

That totally stinks! But I might have some good news for you regarding your current issue of your child staying at the hospital and helping at home.

Depending on the judge who hears your case, you have a good chance to file for an emergency hearing (ex parte). Call for an ex parte, explain your situation as you just did. There is the little known rule of "Right of First Refusal" that you can enact. Basically, what it means is that when your ex is going to be unavailable to care for the child, be it for vacation, work, sickness, date, etc. YOU have the right to be the caretaker during that time.

Most of the time, it has to be an 8 period of time that the parent is unavailable - then you have the right to custody during that time, even over grandparents, new spouses, siblings, babysitters, etc.

Try it out! There is a detailed section about this in Family Law Secret's Fathers Rights eBook (http://www.familylawsecrets.com) - that is how I know the ins and outs about what you should do.  I know about 3 dads who tried this when their ex's had to be at work, and they didnt, and it worked!

[JW]

That would be great, but I live over 4 hours away. But....
My attorney has called three times today and an emergency hearing has been filed, with a date to be heard either tuesday or wednesday next week. Some boards think I'm terrible for "taking" my daughter away from her mother. This is not the case at all. I just want what's best; we'll still have joint custody. SHE can make the trip to visit and pay child support if she chooses to continue a life as a single person, not a single parent, which is what she's been doing. I have offered to help multiple times, but kindness and sympathy only go so far. My daughter is at the hospital again today, waiting for her "mommy" to be discharged. I have contacted DHR to please go by the new address tomorrow and verify that my child is not enrolled in school and expected to stay home and "take care of" a grown woman. She is 9 - let her be a kid. Wish me luck next week, I'll probably need a little. I figure if the judge has agreed to even hear me, being out of state, that's a sign in my favor. Of course, this is for temporary physical custody, but I figure it's an uphill battle for her, too, at this point. Thanks for the support and encouragement.

[too_short]

I was in the same situation too and CP knew it.  So CP started denying visitations and brain washed daughter.  You'll be surprised how short of a time it takes to brain wash a child.  More furstrating was that while all of this was going on, my petitions were not getting heard.  By the time I was able to get court ordered counselling for daughter almost a year of this crap had already passed (extremely long story).  It was all too late then.

Yeah, ex got in trouble for denying visitations and preventing counseling for daughter, but she was able to retain custody because of it.  

[JW]

Apparently the judge was so concerned over my daughter yesterday morning after reading my info that he set a hearing for 4:00 TODAY!! My attorney called me at 3:00 yesterday, FAXed the affadavit, I FAXed it back this morning, and they served my ex at her home last night at 8:00. The first page was about Uniform Child Custody Act pursuant to Alabama Code 30-3-29, and the second page was Affadavit of ___________ in support of Motion for Orders Pendente Lite, whatever that means; all I know is what it SAID, and it was all good for me.

Now, of course, I'm a nervous wreck, at least until 4:00. I didn't have to be there, but if my ex doesn't show up, and knowing her like I do she'll think this is a bluff, even though I've warned her, I can go get my daughter tonight or in the morning.

I'm not overly religious, but I hope SOMEONE is praying for me, and for my daughter.

[jilly]

If she just got out of the hospital what are the odds of her showing up?!!

Good luck to you and your daughter today.

[JW]

Check out this link. My attorney found out what kind of surgery before doing this. Most go back to work within a week and go home the same day. Science is great. So many surgeries and easier now. I wanted to be somewhat compassionate, no matter how it sounds. She had it done at the new women's center in Huntsville.

http://www.webmd.com/hw/womens_conditions/tv7114.asp?pagenumber=4

[jilly]

I wouldn't count on that one week thing.  My oldest DD had her tubes tied. It was laproscopic surgery. It was outpatient surgery and the doctor told her she'd be able to go back to work in a few days after the surgery.  Well, once they actually did the surgery they had to make one more incision than they were planning on making.  DD ended up being out of work for about 2 - 3 weeks.  

[daddymccoy21]

Hey, I was really wondering how the emergency hearing went. Please let us know, as it is really interesting.

I cant see a reason why you wouldnt be given temp custody while your ex recovers from surgery. Especially given the fact that she was going to keep your child out of school to care for her.  What a bum.



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Fathers can have custody too
http://www.familylawsecrets.com
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[JW]

Thanks for your interest - it's been hectic. The hearing went well. My ex was required to keep daughter in school until Nov 23rd when a regular hearing/trial has been set for 9:00 AM. I was in Alabama on the 18th, also. The court wants all school records, child support records, moving records, the judge is asking for witnesses (which have been called), he also wants to talk to the child. My ex swore that she would "never" allow our daughter in court, so my attorney had my DAUGHTER served today, but with my ex having to sign because she's a minor. She's fit to be tied. She doesn't want my daughter talking to anyone. She has told people I'm behind on support (I have 24 months of cancelled checks), that I left AL because I was on crack (I have drug tests from employer starting 24 months ago), that I was going to send child to boarding school, just all kinds of crazy stuff. She's getting desperate and grasping at straws. Thanks for the good wishes - I'll keep you posted after the holidays. This could be info maybe some other father deserves to have. First of all, have your "ducks in a row." I have dates, times, checks, everything for the past 18-24 months, copies of receipts, witnesses, etc. Be prepared for anything and everything. Only advice I have so far.

[daddymccoy21]

Good to hear that you didnt totally get dismissed and ignored.

You know what, that is so sad that your ex is so unwilling to work with you that you had to serve your child with a summons. The most frustrating part is, that when the custodial "unfit" parent starts "getting desperate and grasping at straws", it usually works.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

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Dads can have custody too
http://www.familylawsecrets.com
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