Newbie, worried about father trying to take custody

[scaredsinglemom]

Hello,

I am a 25 year old single mother, and have been the only active parent to my daughter since conception.  I had origionally baddly wanted my daughters father to be moer of a part of things, but after so long an absence of effort o his part I am really put off of the idea when he actually does bother to visit or contact her.  Of course I alwyas encourage it and knowint is the absolute best thing for my daughter, but even then is is seldom really about her so much as getting my goat or flexing his rights as a father even as he primarily does not care to use them.

My big concern is that his parents are heavily involved in his decision making proccess, they where the ones to originally decide he would stay where he was when I was pregnant, they pay for his visits to her and suggest when those should be, they gave him several books she was born about how to obtain custody of your child as a father and how to discredit a mother in court to win custody, and how to be an urban single dad, etc.  They are both lawyers themselves, and head over heals for their granddaughter, and I am afraid they will decide what is for the best NOW  (as they are frequently intrusive becasuse it's "best") will be for daughter to go and live with her father and for court action to be taken.

I had terrible postpartum depression and her father and I where romantically involved at that time, and to say the least it was not a good situation for my mental health.  I have NO intention to bring up the mental abuse, which was  reallyvery severe, incourt as it does not pertain to my daughter, just o myself, and I don't want to be unfair to him or to his rights, and I know that bringing something like that out eoul really hurt my daughter later, especially if her grandparents wanted to tell it differently and make her feel like she lost her father in her life becasue I said something about it.  ANd I'm comfortable with not saying anything, it's my hurdle now.  BUT, I reacted to the abuse and postpartum togeather very poorly when we broke up and sent many hostile angry or scared e-mails to him.  My biggest fear is that he wants to exploit that time to obtain custody and I don't know how to go about defending myself against something like that.  It was really bad, but I have a therapist and am quite frankly a steller mother and have doen it all on my own save for the one month I stayed iwth him.   i'm so afraid this is going to come back to haunt me and cost me custody if he decides that is what to do, and the fact is he simply isn't fit to have a child, he's abusive to romantic partners, an alcoholic, and despite his age, not really an independant adult.  

When I first got here it suggested I post my problem here, so here it is.   THnk you in advance sorry it is so long.

Oh, some stats too:  in January we are going to court to establish child support and visitation--he lives in NY and I am in IN.  He is absolutely wonderful in the area of child support, only arged about it once when intoxicated (though for an audiance, which is the sort of thing I worry about: it's as if he is building up a case against me socially already?  The truth is I wasn't talking about child support at the time and he yelled autibly "I'm not ginving you any more money!").  TO date no visits have bene denied to him at all, ever, though one was from his parents (they where coming to minitor me, and I said that they could not come to visit daughter in that fashion, monitering would be welcome by an apropriate neutral party like a cop or social worker only--they could only visit if it was about daughter soley), and so he too declined, but came a couple of weeks later and was very good and kind and agreeable.  He has signed an affidavid of paternaty, and we are just now establishing that in court.

Again, thanks in advance!

[scaredsinglemom]

I wanted to mention too that my daughter is 18 months old, and that her father is a 24 year old.  He has a better education than I do, graduated from a very fancy college, I am a droppout of community college.  His family is very wealthy and mine is not.  I am worried about these things coupled with my ranting at him and losing it on him when I had postpartum depression all working against me in court if he desides to dispute the state guidelines and ask for more time or to obtain custody.

[Brent]

>i'm so afraid this is going to come back to haunt me
>and cost me custody if he decides that is what to do,
>and the fact is he simply isn't fit to have a child,

So...he was good enough to sleep with, good enough to get pregnant by, and good enough to have a child with, but suddenly he isn't fit to care for his own child?


>I have a therapist and am quite frankly a steller mother

Many lawyers would have a field day with that sentence. It's great you think so highly of your parenting skills, but others may not.

I have a news flash for you: you can't deny him the right to participate in raising his child. Having a uterus DOESN'T automatically make you the "owner" of this child, and I find your single-minded assertion that he's "unfit" to be a little too self-serving for my taste. Neither of you are perfect.

I'd suggest you seek a shared parenting solution, or you may end up with no custody at all. Would that be fair? Of course not, and it's not fair to him either. Think of your child, and realize that he or she has TWO parents, not one parent and one visitor.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi, a few questions before I reply.

What is the current parenting arrangement... i.e., days/times/travel?

What arrangement do you think is best for the child?

Finally, if you were once living together, how did it come to be that there is now so much distance between you two?

I'll also adjust your language.  This isn't about your rights or his rights (i.e., regardless of whether you or he use those words).  It's about what's best for the child, and that's what the judge will primarily want to support.

[scaredsinglemom]

So...he was good enough to sleep with, good enough to get pregnant by, and good enough to have a child with, but suddenly he isn't fit to care for his own child?

Actually, as clearly stated, I BEGGED him to be a father, to write, to actively participate, to not remain drunk while visiting.  

I have never nor would I ever want to stop him from seeing his daughter, by and large HE is only interested in the sort of abusive and malicious entitlement battles that I see here, not actually taking on any resoponsabilities.  I did not ask for bitter insult here, I asked if anyone knew if he could use my postpartum depression to completely take custody from me to let his parents raise my child if they so wish.  

I AM a stellar mother, and it IS great, especially with malicious and verbally cruel people attacking me when i reach out for help.

I will certainly not respond to this site, I didn't know it was a fathers as victims only forum.

[scaredsinglemom]

We are going by the IN state guidelines, or so I hope, where distance is a deciding factor.  He can visit whenever he wants to, and when she is older I will want the alcohol problem addressed so that she can go via airplane and spend every thanksgiving and every other Christmas with him.  Until then it is recommended and I agree that he visit her here and build up familiarity with many short visits whenever he can.  We have nothing established as far as a schedual yet, which iis why it is going to court.  He refususe to make specific plans and feels I am controling him and his rights if I ask him to so I need the courts to just lay it down.

It would not be in her best interests to have custody turned over to him, he is not a fit parent at this time, just a notch above a SD.  He is strongly focusede on his rights, not on anything else, which is where I am concerned.  I need his focus to be on what is best for her, but he primarily wants what his parents want and to feel in control.  My daughters every need is met here, she barely knows them, I seldom drink, do not smoke, it is a nice home, she has personal relationships with people here, and he is always encouraged to take part, that is a major priority.

[scaredsinglemom]

Also, we wher enot living togeather, he asked me to come stay with him durring the postpartum depression so that he could help and we could reconcile.  I was scared and postpartum is difficult, and it seemed like a good idea.  It was heavily abusive for me mentally, and made it difficult to care for my daughter who he threatened to smoke while holding (she was not yet a year then) if I did not get over a panic attack so he could go out with friends (I ws there becasue i was having a lot of panic attacks and needed the physical help).  He would not watch her alone, he was often drunk, and I left within a month when it was too hard on me to care for her with the abuse.  It was not a permanent situation, we where never married, we where just an ex couple giving it a second go, and then he becasem abusive which was effecting my ability to raise my daughter to the best of my abilities and he refused to help.

[scaredsinglemom]

I have a news flash for you: you can't deny him the right to participate in raising his child. Having a uterus DOESN'T automatically make you the "owner" of this child, and I find your single-minded assertion that he's "unfit" to be a little too self-serving for my taste.

He is a raging alcoholic who has dropped her several times, who is completley reliant on his parents for every opinion or financial whatnot, and it is a completley known fact ot all involved that he did not want any involvement with our daughter, they threatened to financially cut him off if he didn't.  Then he warmed up to the idea, but for the most part refususes to visit unless they buy him a ticket and tell him to, he filed a false police report that she was in danger because he was angry at me and a police officer came and it would be very unsettling to her if she where older and he did this sort of thing.

That;s not my uterous, those are the facts.  You seem to have a real stability problem and a really sick and frightening victim mentality.  He WOULD NOT help, I BEGGED him to.  If in your taste an alcoholic abuser who refuses to have almost anything to do with his child unless at his parents request is fit, your tastes are pretty sick, buddy.  The uterous doesn't make it my automaticly make me an owner, nothing makes one a childs owner.  Being the only parent willing to actively and constanly be a part of my childs life, more or less AT ALL does make me the parent who is more fit than the one who refusus to./  YOU seem to be the one singularly focussed on my sex here, just becasue i have a Uterus does not make me a bad parent, just becasue I want the best for my daughter does not make me a vicous control freak.

[DecentDad]

But how much time has the child been with the dad?

[scaredsinglemom]

One other thing, I do want to stress that I think he has a lot to offer our daughter in many areas, he is very smart, fun, and loving with her.  I just don'tthink he is in a place now with his drinking and his abusiveness that he sould be fullt iming it now, and also know that is not his interest.  My big concern is his parents sort of calling the shots, he more playes the role of their representitive than the father, they call the shots.  I am just worried that they will tell him that he should have costody and that would be the best thing, and he will agree.  He is in many ways dependant on them and they have offered several times when not at all nessaccary to "help" by taking daughter so that the two of us can meet our life goals, and also found other excuses to suggest I sign temporary custody over not to him but to them.  THey are intrusive and they pretty much control his end of things and it scares me becasue they want ehr and they know I would not give her up but that he would.  They too are alcoholics, and a child should not be raised by her grandparents when she has a fully fit and loving and safe home with one of her parents.

[CustodyIQ]

Okay, here's what I'd suggest, to help the court.

1. Ask the court to order both parents to complete a parenting class of X duration within 6 months. This means you too, but by asking for such orders, you're making it easier for the court. You're not singling out either parent.

2. Completely drop the mental abuse angle. If you want to make mental issues a concern here, the other side is going to describe your panic attacks, seeming paranoia, need for treatment, instability, etc. They're probably going to do that anyway, and you claiming to be an emotionally abused victim (for a few weeks) won't help you at all.

3. Ask the court to order psychological and custody evaluations for each parent. The outcome will settle the psych matter once and for all. If you're stable, you have nothing to worry about. If you need help, this process will point you in that direction.  Similarly, if the father has alcohol or anger problems, the evaluation process should flush that out too.

4. In court, propose a parenting schedule to the court that is reasonable for the child given the age and distance. You and the father have done an awful thing, putting so much distance between parents of such a youngster. The child will inevitably travel to the father's home (perhaps not immediately, but certainly within a year or two). Sucks for the child.

5. I strongly suggest that you offer an alternate parenting plan that gives the father much more frequency and duration of parenting time in the event that he moves within 10 miles of you. This would be ideal for the child, and the reason the dad would do it is to be a dad.

Finally, I suggest you get a book like "Child Custody A to Z - Building Your Case with Evidence." I describe it on my website.

You have no clear idea what is relevant or irrelevant in this, and you need to know that.

It's possible that during the few weeks you lived with the father, you were a raving lunatic due to your mental state at the time, you two had a newborn to deal with, and the father drank and yelled in response to all that going on. Who knows.

It's quite possible that you two only saw the worst of each other during those few weeks you were together.  It was a horrible circumstance, very stressful for both of you, and extremely short-lived.  I don't think it's fair for either of you to really judge each other by anything but the most extreme of behaviors that may have happened then.  Let it die.

Anyway, you're very reasonable in your desire to have some sort of known parenting schedule-- and the court will help you establish that. It's just up to you to prove in court that the schedule you want is what's best for the child (and the father will try to do the same).

[scaredsinglemom]

1 and a half weeks when she was born, 5 days when she was three months old, 9 days last Christmas, 19 days in april and a few weekends here and there, I think 4.  This was just the time span we where in the same space, about half of these days he was out on social  calls, and the time over christmas and when she was three months we where lal at his parents home and he was mostly working on things around the house for them while they where with her.  He has developed a relationship with her to that degree, and I would love more of one.  My concern here is having my daughter taken from me.

[CustodyIQ]

From an outsider's perspective...


His parents are all evil and calculating, and now all three of them are alcoholics.

While this MAY be true - against all odds - I've got to say that you sound hyper-dramatic and very paranoid with such descriptions.  Meaning... you are demonstrating exactly what they'll be accusing you of.

The court will probably conclude the same about your rantings, unless you provide sound evidence.

Build your case on evidence.  It's not enough to use adjectives and accusations.

Read a couple books about child custody.

[scaredsinglemom]

Actually, the mental abuse went on for many months durring my postpartum experiance and it is being treated as post traumatic stress and severe phsychological abuse.  it is very real and should never be discreditied.  I am still recovering from it, but luckily got out.  I am glad to know it will not be relevent, and what you describe as "stark raving lunatic" behavior would most likely be the very text-book apropriate description of any postpartum depression, it is charactorized with tempermental outbursts, paranoia, insecurity, moodswings, etc.

No one can make another person drink.  He has always been an alcoholic, and we have lived togeather for 7 months previous to my having a child.  I just need it addressed for the matter of my childs safety, alcoholism cannot be ignored when a child is to be in an alcoholics care, period.

[CustodyIQ]

>what you describe as "stark raving lunatic"
>behavior would most likely be the very text-book apropriate
>description of any postpartum depression, it is charactorized
>with tempermental outbursts, paranoia, insecurity, moodswings,
>etc.


And my point is... if I was living with someone who exhibited those symptoms, it's quite probable that I'd think she was unstable, and it's quite possible that I'd probably yell back mean things from time to time.  That's especially if I didn't have years of a relationship under my belt to know that her behavior wasn't the norm.

Alcoholism is extremely relevant to a custody decision, sure.  You need to PROVE it in court... I'm trying to emphasize the words "prove" and "evidence", as those things are critical.

If you PROVE in court that he has a drinking problem, the judge will agree with you that the dad needs to get his act together.

Many people get psychologically abused as bad marriages / partnerships turn into divorce/separation.

I'm warning you that if the father goes for custody, he's probably going to be arguing the mental instability thing.  The way you write comes across (to me) as very dramatic, possibly paranoid person.  I'm not a psychologist or a judge.  

You've claimed PTSD, post-partum depression, and severe psychological abuse.  It's all POSSIBLE to be within the norm of a healthy parent, but I'm saying that it can raise eyebrows.

I'm just a guy who's been reading through 9 sentences of drama for every true fact that I'm trying to discern in response to your request for for suggestions.  And with every new post, there's new dramatic claims.

Take it or leave it.  If you want to defend against everything, then just do that.

[Brent]

>Actually, as clearly stated, I BEGGED him to be a father, to
>write, to actively participate, to not remain drunk while
>visiting.  

Did he suddenly become an alcoholic, or was this typical behavior for him before you had a child?


>I have never nor would I ever want to stop him from seeing his
>daughter,

That's NOT what I get from your post. I see, as others have, a very dramatic tone to your story, and to me it seems as though there are control issues here as well.


>I did not ask for bitter insult here

If you think THAT is a "bitter insult", you have no idea.



>I AM a stellar mother, and it IS great, especially with
>malicious and verbally cruel people attacking me when i reach
>out for help.

Oh, boo hoo. Grow up. We have only your word for this, and you'll just have to pardon us if we don't immediately buy everything you say as the unadulterated truth.


>I will certainly not respond to this site, I didn't know it
>was a fathers as victims only forum.

Ahh, I see. If everyone doesn't rush to your aid and take your side of the story without question, then they're bad, evil people and you're a victim. Have I got that right?  If we dare to question your motives or choices, then we're automatically defending the father?

I have to tell you- if this is the way you respond to people in real life, you're in for a hell of a ride, and it won't necessarily go your way. I'm sorry if you find the truth to be hard to take, or if any questioning or criticism of you instantly brands an entire website as "evil". That's just stupid.

Your first post talks about you being worried that he'll "take" custody from you- as if it's your god-given right to have custody, no questions asked! And you can't even see it, can you? You feel as though you *deserve* custody and that no other outcome is allowable. It's parents like you that give sites like this a reason to exist.

[Brent]

>You've claimed PTSD, post-partum depression, and severe
>psychological abuse.  It's all POSSIBLE to be within the norm
>of a healthy parent, but I'm saying that it can raise
>eyebrows.

And this is no doubt all on the record in medical records, treatment records etc.

In spite of that, she feels she deserves custody no matter what. She admits suffering from PTSD, post-partum depression, and severe psychological abuse, and that's "okay". No barrier to being a parent....but he drinks "too much" and so *that* should be the "Kiss Of Death" where custody is concerned. Frankly I feel sorry for this kid no matter who ends up with him/her. And like you, I'm getting a Drama Queen overdose from what she writes. She is unable to see that there are two side to every story. Rarely does Innocent Little Bo Peep marry Ghengis Kahn without realizing it.

[Brent]

>He is absolutely wonderful in the area of child support,
>only arged about it once when intoxicated (though for
>an audiance, which is the sort of thing I worry about:

And of cource CHILD SUPPORT is the most important thing in the world to you, as you've made very, very clear. He's a good father because he is "absolutely wonderful in the area of child support".

Yeah, I think we know where your priorities and values are concentrated. And that's sickening, frankly. What if he had said this about you?

Sorry, the more I read of your "story" the more I realize that you're a controlling person with an agenda.

[CustodyIQ]

>Rarely does Innocent Little Bo Peep marry Ghengis Kahn without realizing it.

Well, in my case, Prince Charming had a child with the Wicked Witch of the West (regardless of what the evaluator concluded).

:)

[scaredsinglemom]

This has been a degrading and isulting experiance for me, I will not return.

And you, sir, are clearly a very ill person.  You are aggressive and frightening even online.  


Blanket statements and cruel words feel nice? No.  You are mentally unbballanced and vicious.  It disgusts me.


Now, educate yourselves before belittling people, are you just woman haters or what!?  Well, one less person to seek help here, that clearly isnot the purpous of this site, to judege, scrutinize, call people (who are NOT) liers.  Mob mentality with abosultely no knowlege under your belts.  I am sickened.

********************************************************
Abusers often use other people to do their dirty work for them. These
- sometimes unwitting - accomplices belong to three groups:

I. The abuser's social milieu

Some offenders - mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies –
co-opt other family members, friends, and colleagues into aiding and
abetting their abusive conduct. In extreme cases, the victim is held
"hostage" - isolated and with little or no access to funds or
transportation. Often, the couple's children are used as bargaining
chips or leverage. Ambient abuse by the abuser's clan, kin, kith, and
village or neighborhood is rampant.

II. The victim's social milieu

Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to
the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the
abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a
plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor.
Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand
and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge
of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient,
abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and
suave abuser and his harried casualties – it is easy to reach the
conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties
abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense,
assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as
aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.

III. The System

The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors,
mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He
uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her
sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children.

Forms of Abuse by Proxy

Socially isolating and excluding the victim by discrediting her
through a campaign of malicious rumors.

Harassing the victim by using others to stalk her or by charging her
with offenses she did not commit.

Provoking the victim into aggressive or even antisocial conduct by
having others threaten her or her loved ones.

Colluding with others to render the victim dependent on the abuser.

But, by far, her children are the abuser's greatest source of leverage
over his abused spouse or mate.

(continued)

The abuser often recruits his children to do his bidding. He uses them
to tempt, convince, communicate, threaten, and otherwise manipulate
his target, the children's other parent or a devoted relative (e.g.,
grandparents). He controls his - often gullible and unsuspecting -
offspring exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs
the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props
unceremoniously when the job is done - which causes tremendous (and,
typically, irreversible) emotional hurt.

Co-opting

Some offenders - mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies –
co-opt their children into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct.
The couple's children are used as bargaining chips or leverage. They
are instructed and encouraged by the abuser to shun the victim,
criticize and disagree with her, withhold their love or affection, and
inflict on her various forms of ambient abuse.

As I wrote in Abuse by Proxy:

"Even the victim's (children) are amenable to the considerable charm,
persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his
impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of
the events and interprets them to his favor. The victims are often on
the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable,
impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and
suave abuser and his harried casualties – it is easy to reach the
conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties
abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense,
assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as
aggression, lability, or a mental health problem."

This is especially true with young - and, therefore vulnerable -
offspring, particularly if they live with the abuser. They are
frequently emotionally blackmailed by him ("If you want daddy to love
you, do this or refrain from doing that"). They lack life experience
and adult defenses against manipulation. They may be dependent on the
abuser economically and they always resent the abused for breaking up
the family, for being unable to fully cater to their needs (she has to
work for a living), and for "cheating" on her ex with a new boyfriend
or husband.

Co-opting The System

The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors,
mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He
uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her
sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children. The
abuser seeks custody to pain his ex and punish her.

Threatening

Abusers are insatiable and vindictive. They always feel deprived and
unfairly treated. Some of them are paranoid and sadistic. If they fail
to manipulate their common children into abandoning the other parent,
they begin treat the kids as enemies. They are not above threatening
the children, abducting them, abusing them (sexually, physically, or
psychologically), or even outright harming them - in order to get back
at the erstwhile partner or in order to make her do something.

Most victims attempt to present to their children a "balanced" picture
of the relationship and of the abusive spouse. In a vain attempt to
avoid the notorious (and controversial) Parental Alienation Syndrome
(PAS), they do not besmirch the abusive parent and, on the contrary,
encourage the semblance of a normal, functional, liaison. This is the
wrong approach. Not only is it counterproductive - it sometimes proves
outright dangerous.

[Brent]

>This has been a degrading and isulting experiance for me, I
>will not return.

That's a very typical statement made by people who are unable to see their own faults or destructive behavior. You're unable to accept that you might bear part of the blame for the way things have turned out in your life. It couldn't be you, so it must be us.



>And you, sir, are clearly a very ill person.  You are
>aggressive and frightening even online.  

Riiiiiiight. And you're normal, healthy, and well-adjusted. (Aside from the PSTD, post-partum depression, mood swings, and all the other stuff you mentioned.)




>Blanket statements and cruel words feel nice? No.  You are
>mentally unbballanced and vicious.  It disgusts me.

I'm so sorry that we didn't validate your self-serving views and attitudes.  But that's not what this site is for. If you're unable to listen to a few hard truths, you're going to have a very difficult time of it in court.



>Now, educate yourselves before belittling people, are you just
>woman haters or what!?  

Ahhh, the old "woman-hater" label. That's so cute that you would fall back on such a shallow line. Yes, anyone that doesn't agree with you,  support your views 100%, and believe every word you say is undoubtably a "woman-hater". What else could it possibly be?


>Well, one less person to seek help
>here, that clearly isnot the purpous of this site, to judege,
>scrutinize, call people (who are NOT) liers.  Mob mentality
>with abosultely no knowlege under your belts.  I am sickened.

No, you're ignorant, not sickened. You're upset because you didn't get the validation you were seeking and it's blatantly obvious by your reaction to what's been said here. Your posts make it quite clear that you have some serious control issues and are unwilling to listen to the least bit of criticism regarding your actions and story.

[TGB]

Anything you put in writing can, and probably will, be used against you in court, especially if it will show that you were unstable or abusive. If you have copies of what you wrote, you should show them to your attorney. If you don't, then try to remember, as well as you can, exactly what you did write and provide that information to your attorney.

Any time you go to court it is a gamble. It is nearly always best, if possible, to try to work something out with the other parent in advance of the court date. If you cannot come to an agreement, then you can expect to incur tens of thousands of dollars in legal expenses, guardian ad litem and custody evaluator expenses, and much more. If his parents are both attorneys, then you can really look forward to an uphill battle in court and high legal bills.

As I said, it is best, if possible, to work things out between the two of you. You will be dealing with each other for the rest of your lives because of the child you share. Court battles tend to multiply the animosity between you and make it extremely difficult to work things out in the long run. Compromising and working together for the sake of your child also makes things much less stressful for her.

One more thing, If you have things that you put in writing that you feel could be used against you, then maybe you should consider that you were as emotionally abusive as he was. If your writings were abusive, then it is quite likely that the things you said to him or your behavior towards him were also abusive. Abuse like this is often a two-way affair.

Did you ever tell him that he would never see his child, that he is unfit to be a parent, or allow him to see the child only when you were present?  Have you ever demanded to know where he was going and what he would do with your daughter before you allowed him to take her for a visit? (Don't answer these questions, I am just trying to make you think about the possibility. I am not saying that you have done these things or that you have been abusive.) All of these are ways of belittling him and making it clear that YOU are THE PARENT and he is something less. It is a way of using the child to punish or belittle the other parent, and is rarely in the best interests of the child.

These are common behaviors of custodial parents (male or female), who then complain that the other parent doesn't participate in the child's life. Often the lack of involvement of the noncustodial parent with the child may be more out of a fear or dislike of having to deal with the custodial parent than a lack of concern for his/her child.

[badd]

Have you lived in IN for more than 6 months, or will you be going to court in NY?  What county are you in?

[zutalurs]

"he is not a fit parent at this time, just a notch above a SD"

To me, this is the most damning thing you have said.  I wasn't ready to jump on the bashing bandwagon until I read this.
So single dads aren't fit parents, but single moms are?  Are you a single mom?  What makes you more qualified then as a single mom than a father who is single?

Also, you complaign about his parents being the ulterior motive behind all of the father's interest and actions.  Well, let's examine that.
You admit they are well off while your family is not.  You have said nothing negative about them, other than the fact that they want to be a part of their grandchild's life and are willing to go out of their way to ensure that their son visits his daughter.  Guess what, that's their only road to your daughter.  I don't see their actions as particularly heinous, since it's the only means of being in that little girl's life.

I personally think it's about you wanting control over the child here, which you definitely present as a possesion and not a person.  Yeah, you present a case that dad is not the best thing for the kid, but you also prove over and over that neither are you.  Given the choice between two evils, I would lean towards the evil which could lead to the best interest of the child which in this case sounds like the wealthy grandparents who are bending over backwards for that child.

And finally, I find your quote hypocritical and a little frightening.  It seems like it's geared towards taking the responsibilty of child rearing off the hands of the parents.  Guess what, you do give your children your thoughts, every minute of every day. And unless YOU TEACH them to think for themselves, no new age bullsh*t is going to raise your kids for you.

Too many of these issues are created because mommy realizes that daddy doesn't want them, but only wants the child.  Get over it.  He may not care for you one bit, and so be it.  Why does your child have to suffer just because you feel unloved by this man.  You and so many others talk about wanting the dad to be involved with the child, like that makes you some saint.  But as soon as he does just that, but it doesn't end up in the fairy tale of him loving you AND his child, you get pissed and say he's trying to manipulate you through the child.  Here's a news flash for you and every mother like you.  He may not want you anymore, if he ever did.  Get over it and let him love his child anyway.