daughter doesn't want to go back...

[allforher]

I have shared custoday of a 10 year old, week on week off and this past weekend she called and left me a message she does not want to be at her Dads and doesn't want to come back.  She also sent me an email and wants me to pick her up early.

I have spoken with daughter and said that I can't just intervene unless she is hurt, which she said she wasn't. Our agreement here is not in a CO, it's verbal, based on this weekend should I consider changing the current schedule?  We have tried this week on week off for about three and a half months now.  It was good at first, now daughter is feeling different, she does not get access to friends, extracurriculars other than the ones her Dad is involved, etc.  She is tired of the fighting between stepmom and her Dad, she says it's just stressful over there. 

I just don't know, she chose to do the week on week off to start off with, I am not sure if its a good idea to let a 10 year old dictate visitation but with whats going on I think  a court should intervene here, any thoughts?

[Lindma]

From my experience, and the research i've done, a 10 yr. old is not by any means old enough etc etc., to determine visitation. You and your ex should have a discussion about the visitation and decide upon it yourselves. Children do not dicatate the visitation schedule at that age. (unless there is abuse, etc etc, that's a whole different story)

I don't know where you are located, but I know in my state, there are residential guidelines. These guidelines are instructional as to what guidelines the courts use when determining residential placement and parenting plans for children.

[allforher]

I def. agree that kids that young shouldn't make the decisions. 

[allforher]

okay, so daughter tells me that Dad said some really mean things to her when they were arguing over the conversation her and I had on the phone the night she called me and told me she didn't want to go back to Dads.

Here's what he said:  why don't you just do every other weekend like your sister, better yet go back to xx state so I don't have to deal with your mom.  Evidently, when I sent him an email about what dh and I talked about, he was upset at her for wanting to come home.  he apologized the next day to dh, but the damage is done.  Also, she hasn't been getting woken up for school on time either when on his week, she asked me for an alarm clock

I feel I have to cease the week on week off, it's not in a CO and hasn't been long that we have been doing this.  The line has been crossed, he verbally abused our daughter.  I was hoping and praying it woudl never happen but with his bipolar disorder, and abuser tendancies, i guess it was inevitable.  uggg.... this isn't going to be easy

[allforher]

curious on why my "karma" gets bumped down when I speak of changing visitation?  really??  Why should a child be a stressful environment for a whole week?  Even therapist agrees Dads home is unstable and stressful for dh and a week is a long time for her to be there,   

Why can't Dad prove in court why week on week off is the best for child?  If a judge older, more wise and seasoned in this sort of thing says it is then I guess it is and I will be ok with that.  But fact is we let a 10 year decide her schedule based a fantasy her gramma told her about a girl she knew who had week on week off and it worked great and filled her up with all these pluses about the plan, of course it became desireable.  However, fact remains, parents who can not coparent, get along, etc should not have this sort of schedule, correct?

[bloom6372]

curious on why my "karma" gets bumped down when I speak of changing visitation?  really??  Why should a child be a stressful environment for a whole week?  Even therapist agrees Dads home is unstable and stressful for dh and a week is a long time for her to be there,   

Why can't Dad prove in court why week on week off is the best for child?  If a judge older, more wise and seasoned in this sort of thing says it is then I guess it is and I will be ok with that.  But fact is we let a 10 year decide her schedule based a fantasy her gramma told her about a girl she knew who had week on week off and it worked great and filled her up with all these pluses about the plan, of course it became desireable.  However, fact remains, parents who can not coparent, get along, etc should not have this sort of schedule, correct?

Whether the parents get along or not shouldn't matter in the actual schedule. That should only matter during decisions on how to communicate.

How often does the dad say stuff like this to DD? If not often, maybe it was just said out of hurt/frustration, and maybe he needs some help in learning how to manage his disorder, but personally, I don't think the schedule should change based off of one childish outburst on his part.

[allforher]

I know that we, the parents should be working on how we can do better.  Its hard when only one parent is trying though.  My reasons are not just because of this one time incident, it is a combination of things.  Stepmoms in and out again presence, she has left DD twice and come back that I know of.  School projects are not being completed on his time and twice now I have been rushing to get supplies because the instructions were sent to DD's house on his week not mine, it was never put up on our online calendar either.  He has untreated bipolar disorder, and now has had a verbal outburst with our daughter, that was very out of line.  I am all for keeping things the same, but I am fearful of what the ramifications will be on our child if these things continue?  Will her grades begin to plunge, her self esteem, etc. if DD doesn't take his issues to heart and get help?

We have tried to create tools to help us communicate but when one parents isn't then how do you do it with a schedule like this?  I am truly looking for any advice I can get.

[allforher]

ok, well new development....DD has blocked cell numbers and home numbers from me. 
Funny thing is I haven't called him, just sent him an email after my daughter told me what he said to her and said that I hoped it wasn't going to happen again and that he would take steps towards controlling his outbursts.  I also asked to speak withi him concerning the current visitation with the therapist included.  So.....any advice now? 

[ocean]

How do you know they are blocked?
What do you want to say about the therapist and visitation?
We can help write a letter, you can email it to him and if it is important, you can send it registered mail to his house. He does not need to sign for it but you will have proof you sent it.

[allforher]

When we call it says the number you called is not accepting calls from this number...... It says the same thing from all our numbers.

I wanted to talk about how he and I can wipe clean the slate and the importance of coparenting especially with shared time.  I also wanted to talk about the importance of him maybe offering to do more for our child at school and such since she thinks he doesn't want to do any of it.  She doesn't really know, is just uncomfortable to ask and he doesn't get involved on his own.

I also wanted to discuss whether we were in agreement about continuing the week on week off.  I would never just end it, I really wanted to bring up some key points that we need to work on or let the therapist do that in order to conitnue with it, etc.

ITs just crazy.......seriously, I would never block him regardless, unless of course he was harrassing me, then I'd go a different route, but theres no harrassment, nothing from me. I don't even call there, what purpose would it serve to block me?

[ocean]

Call from another number or call his work? Will he even talk to you?
How will child call you on her week with him?

You can send that all in an email and I would send it registered mail too in case he blocked your email.

Ex,
I want to co-parent with you and allow XX to love both families. XX came home from last visit and told me you did not want her week on/ week off.  I want her to be happy at both houses. I tried to reassure her that she had to stay with you and finish out her week there.  Do you want to go back to the every other weekend and one week day during the week? Maybe we can go back to the week on/ week off during the summers? I am willing for her schedule to be the same as her XX(step-sister?).

I tried to call you to work this out but apparently you blocked my numbers to your house. I have not called you in a long time and would only call if it was important. When XX goes to your house, there needs to be one open number for her to call me/me to call you in case there is an emergency here.  (If she has a cell phone you can delete this whole thing...).

Please let me know what you want to do about visitation by XX date.
Thank you
You

I would leave the school issues alone. Let this play out. If there is something that she wants him to go to specific, she can send him an email
"Dad, next Tuesday is XX at school at XX time. I would like you to come. Love, XX"  He may or may not come depending..tell her all she can do it ask but that maybe some day you both can be in the same room.

Offer the therapists dad's number and see if they will call and have him come in with daughter. Did therapist ever meet dad so she knows the relationship going on here?

[allforher]

I know what he said what he said to daughter in anger.  I do not really think that changing is what he wants, I know I am concerned with it, but if he's willing to work on things then it would be worth it to keep things the same.  I just don't know how it will work with out communication, email, or however. 

I am guessing we can't talk at now, the message is loud and clear with blocking our numbers.

We have a status hearing on MOnday, what the heck do I do?  Should I bring this up? 

Yes I will write a letter in the mean time, thanks for the tips.

[ocean]

Def bring it up on Monday....
Need ONE way to communicate...email is the easiest and fastest but you need to know he is getting them.

If he has lawyer, ask him/her how do I get a hold of daughter on his weeks, and we need one communication tool. That you tried to contact through email one time, no answer, and now your reg numbers are blocked to his house.

This is hard for me to answer because WE blocked my Dh ex from everything except house (email, changed cell numbers). As soon as we dropped off the kids, she had a nasty email or voicemail ready within 15 minutes. We were not even in the door from drop off and she would ask them questions, fine things wrong. The littlest thing made her go off the deep end. So from the "other" side (and not saying you did the craziness that she does/did) let him parent on his week. You did good by telling daughter she needed to stay or ask her father if she can come home. Teach her skills to deal with people. If her father really is bi-polar she will be dealing with his ups and downs for years to come. The therapist can even go over ways to deal with him. Our BM screams and curses off the wall...we could not do anything. If it is not hurting her, let it go. If he gives you more time, take it but like you said his bi-polar moment is probably done and over with.

Maybe even have a quick letter for his lawyer (and yours) of your immediate concerns for Monday....?
Focus on if there needs to be a schedule change and the phone issue....if you can get an answer for that you will be lucky...family court is SSLLLLLOOOOWWW.