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Sperm donor cancelling visits?

Started by kjerome12, Aug 16, 2011, 08:39:30 PM

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kjerome12

My girl friends daughter is now 2, and her bio father always cancels his visits. they have been to court and after a trial he gets the child for one night a week. Seriously he cancels all the time. One excuse after another. I have raised my girls daughter since birth, and as far as I'm concerned he can take a long walk off of a short pier. What are our options? can we tell the court how much of a scumbag he is and just have his visits reduced or even cut him off of all visits? I'd like for him to just sign his rights off and I will adopt her. When he calls an hour before he picks her up to cancel or even the night before, is really a burden to find a sitter that fast before work. irresponsible andd just a lame ass title for a "father". What can we do?

tigger

Encourage him to keep consistent visitations.  Explain to him how important he is to his daughter and how vital being a part of her life is.  Ask him to be courteous and give at least a week's notification if he needs to miss a visitation.

Where is the child other times when he isn't scheduled to have her and mom has to work?
The wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!

Kitty C.

I'm sorry....but I find the term 'sperm donor' to be extremely offensive.   Just as much as 'egg donor'.  And it's not about the words, it's the context and attitude it's used in.  Obviously you think very little of the father, and that's your right......but you have NO say-so regarding how and when the father sees his child.  She's 2 years old?  You have a LONG way to go....16 years, as a matter of fact.  Because if the father is not willing to give up his rights, he will be in your lives in some way, shape or form until the child reaches the age of majority.

The ONLY way the father can give up his rights (which includes ending any CS that he may currently be paying) is if there is someone readily available to adopt....but the BM is only your GF?  I may be wrong, but I would be willing to bet that before adoption would even be considered, the potentially adoptive parent and bio-parent would have to be married.  Is that in your plans, too?

We get that you think very little of the father, but this is an issue that the BM and BF have to work out.  And two years is a very short time to come to the conclusion (or better, opinion) that the father is a loser.  I wouldn't be surprised if part of the reason why he doesn't come around is because he knows he has to deal with you. 
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

gemini3

I agree - sperm donor is extremely offensive.  It also concerns me that the reason you're so upset about him not exercising his visitation is because you have to find a babysitter on short notice, and not concern for the child.

What's best for the child is for her to grow up with a good relationship with her father.  You can't replace that for her.  I know how frustrating it is - I'm a step who deals with a less than stellar bio-mom.  But I recognize that they need the relationship with their mom to grow up happy and well adjusted.  So I grin and bear it, and try to help them navigate a difficult relationship with her so that they can get the benefit of it.  You would do well to do the same.

ocean

Yup, and SOME (not all!) men get better as the child gets older, talks, and able to "do" thinks with them.

This man is her father and there will always be a connection even if you would adopt. Many adopted kids go looking for their bio parents so that will not stop it.

If work/daycare are issues then change his days to after work. Maybe he would take her after work for a shorter dinner visit instead, every week until he shows more interest. Once child starts a pre-school and activities, email him the information.

Many of us have been here over 10 years dealing with our ex's. If there is any way for you to let it go, maybe have a talk with him that you are not replacing him and want him to be there for his daughter, things will slowly improve BUT you have got to stop the "sperm donor" attitude before this child starts talking and repeating/understanding your hatred towards her father. You GF "picked" him to be the father and now it is between them to make it work.

kjerome12

Lol offensive? I dont know what little dream world you all live in but in reality there are real scumbag "sperm donors". Ones that dont want to spend time with their kids. make excuses like he has cancer, and then the next week he doesnt. Or just because he "doesnt feel" like giving her 100%. one excuse after another. the BM doesnt work, I do. daycare isnt an issue. I buy her everything she needs. I take care of her. I have 2 boys of my own that I have fought to see and took me 2 years to get them overnight, and this guy that doesnt want to see his kid can come and go as he pleases? bullshit. SPERM DONOR is the perfect word! It guys like that, that give fathers like me a bad name! I dont care if you take offense or not! you chose the article to read and your on a forum site. DUH! how do you think the child is going to feel when "daddy" is in and out all her life? there is no working anything out. I've tried. she has tried. The guy has 8 kids with 3 different women. And has already signed rights off to 2 other kids. they had a child together and they both need to step it up. And he "doesnt feel" like doing that. My BF left me and my mom at birth. I know how it feels to have a "sperm donor". and he was a real asshole. I met him when I was 16. I fell in love with this child and for a "father" to be in the childs life, takes more than once a month. and CS? I own my own business. his $100 a month is taking care of the childs cat! your funny!

tigger

Quote from: kjerome12 on Aug 16, 2011, 08:39:30 PM
When he calls an hour before he picks her up to cancel or even the night before, is really a burden to find a sitter that fast before work.
Quote from: kjerome12 on Aug 18, 2011, 08:09:51 AM
the BM doesnt work, I do. daycare isnt an issue.

So if you're working and she's not, why is it a burden to find a sitter that fast before work?  Why isn't the mom taking care of the child?

Quote from: kjerome12 on Aug 18, 2011, 08:09:51 AM
The guy has 8 kids with 3 different women. And has already signed rights off to 2 other kids. they had a child together and they both need to step it up. And he "doesnt feel" like doing that.

One of those women was your girlfriend.  She picked him.  From what I can tell her taste in men hasn't improved much.
The wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!

Simplydad

Quote from: kjerome12 on Aug 18, 2011, 08:09:51 AM
Lol offensive? I dont know what little dream world you all live in but in reality there are real scumbag "sperm donors". Ones that dont want to spend time with their kids. make excuses like he has cancer, and then the next week he doesnt. Or just because he "doesnt feel" like giving her 100%. one excuse after another. the BM doesnt work, I do. daycare isnt an issue. I buy her everything she needs. I take care of her. I have 2 boys of my own that I have fought to see and took me 2 years to get them overnight, and this guy that doesnt want to see his kid can come and go as he pleases? bullshit. SPERM DONOR is the perfect word! It guys like that, that give fathers like me a bad name! I dont care if you take offense or not! you chose the article to read and your on a forum site. DUH! how do you think the child is going to feel when "daddy" is in and out all her life? there is no working anything out. I've tried. she has tried. The guy has 8 kids with 3 different women. And has already signed rights off to 2 other kids. they had a child together and they both need to step it up. And he "doesnt feel" like doing that. My BF left me and my mom at birth. I know how it feels to have a "sperm donor". and he was a real asshole. I met him when I was 16. I fell in love with this child and for a "father" to be in the childs life, takes more than once a month. and CS? I own my own business. his $100 a month is taking care of the childs cat! your funny!

Is this about you or the child?  Having a hard time trying to discern that.

if you are going to come here and want people to take you seriously and talk to you then maybe you should think before you speak.  Most of us here could care less about the animosity between the parents.  What is important her is the child and if you walk around harboring this kind of resentment you are going to be part of the problem if you can't let it go.

If you truly love the child....then love the child.  Simple as that.

gemini3

None of us here are living in a dream world.  Just about every one of us is dealing with a biological parent who has problems, and who is not doing what we think is best for the children.  But, regardless of that, we realize that children have a right to a relationship with BOTH of their parents.  You know what it feels like because you went through it yourself.

There is a difference between growing up knowing you have a parent who is flawed, but who loves you; and growing up thinking that one of your parents doesn't love you and doesn't want you.  You must have wanted to meet your father.  You must have wondered about him while you were growing up - why he isn't there, why doesn't he care about you?  Your GF's daughter is going to grow up with those same feelings unless you allow her to have some sort of relationship with her father. 

No one is saying you should think it's ok for her father to miss visitation, or that you shouldn't find it annoying when he cancels at the last minute, or that you should think it's ok for him to only pay $100 a month in child support.  And no one here is saying they think it's ok either.  What we're saying is that you have to think about how all of this is going to affect the child, and you have to set aside your own issues and do what's best for her. 

Your post sounded like you wanted to have his visitation and parental rights taken away as a sort of "punishment" for not doing what he should.  You want his visits reduced - but what difference does it make, since he doesn't exercise them anyway, except to punish him.  Children are not pawns to be used to punish the other parent.

ocean

I agree...
If mother is home then no issue if he does not show up. Do not tell child he may come until he pulls up in the driveway. Have mom wait a half hour, then go about her business for the day. Keep track. You can spend money and go back to court to take away "some" of the time but what is that going to accomplish? He is not coming anyway. Spend time and money for nothing.

Does not matter what you think, this baby has a father. He is lucky to have someone else to step up to the plate and that is great BUT your GF chose this guy and got pregnant knowing his background. They are a package deal along with a crazy ex, join the club...

If he is missing almost every visit, then maybe see if he is willing to call 2 days before IF he is coming. If you do not hear from him then you assume he is not. BUT really she is obligated under the court order to have child ready according to the court order so unless he agrees to this change be careful (do it by email for proof or follow up with email or registered letter of the new agreement but it will not be a court order).

fight4him

I spent so much time hating my stepson's BM. I can tell you that it's wasteful. My SS is 3 now. I have been there since she found out she was pregnant. Lucky me!  
She never wanted me to be involved in his life. She even threatened to get restraining orders on me for being the one holding the baby in the car while we were waiting for her to come get him. Another one when I had a picture of me and him on my page. I prayed for this woman to drop off the face of the earth. But things have gotten better. I stopped putting so much energy into hating her and put it in to making our relationship work. I am the one who drops off and picks up, due to our work situation. Her and I have started to "chat" a bit at those times and are becoming somewhat friendly. Sometimes it gags me but I push through it. Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is a long term relationship. We are going to be dealing with her forever. Not just 15 years, it will go past that.
I said that, to say this....it is really in YOUR best interest, and this child's, to try to stop hating him so badly. So he's not perfect, none of us are. You are never going to be able to make him be the father you want him to be. She is young, maybe he doesn't quite know what to do with her. Maybe he is overwhelmed. When SS was a baby, dad didn't do a lot with him. I did. He didn't know what to do with a pooping, crying baby who couldn't tell him what he needed. He is getting better now that he is talking and potty trained.
You and your gf have the power to change this. You can let it consume as much of your life as possible. And right now it seems to be consuming a lot of time. I really hope you are not speaking ill of the father in front of the child. She is young and doesn't understand but boy, will she pick up on the words you say and the image you give of him. Regardless of how he is, he is still her father. Even in the best situation she is going to dream that it is different. She is going to wish and hope that he changes. My son is 21 and STILL does it. And all she is going to remember is how you and mom bad mouthed him. He is probably not going to become this evil person to her, at least not for many years.

Please stop putting so much time into him and focus on your family. I'm telling you...it does work. It changes things to stop thinking about what a horrible person the other parent is. At the very least, it will make for a happier environment in YOUR home. And that is all you can control.

OZone...

I read this post and it really hits home with me as I am on the flip side of Kjerome12's anger. You see, my ex just recently got remarried. This man has made mine and my daughters life a living hell. I see my daughter every other weekend, and a few hours on Tuesday and have never missed a visitation except for the ones they are denying me. This man insults my Fatherhood, is abusive and hateful to me, is obsessed with taking over the role of Father and removing me from my daughters life. He even has my daughter calling him "Dad". Both of them co-conspired to file and testify to a false domestic violence complaint, and had me arrested for violation of a protective order for good measure. I'm sure he wouldn't hesitate to call me a sperm donor either.

Kjerome12's comment that "I own my own business. his $100 a month is taking care of the childs cat!" is eerily similar to what my ex's husband said to me, only my involvement is considerably more. I've come to realize that it's not the amount that bothers him, its the fact that I send anything that bothers him. He wishes no involvement from me towards my daughter which is exactly what I am witnessing here from Kjerome12. It's belittleing the Fathers contributions to his daughter in effort to increase his own to the point of obsession to become the child Father. I would even bet that Kjerome12 has her calling him "Dad" as well.

So, I have to reiterate what others have said in this thread that you Kjerome12 are not the Father to this child. You need to allow the Father to be a Father to his daughter in his own way. His $100 per month is his contribution to raising his child, and should command your respect as opposed to your ridicule. I'm sure the Father will become more involved when he is ready, and when he is ready he shouldn't have to deal with your resentment and anger which he probably is already exposed to. Perhaps this contributes to his reduced visitations?

brwneyedmom

Bravo, Ozone. I'm sorry that you must deal with this. Their behavior is going to be upsetting to your child.

tigger

Quote from: OZone... on Aug 21, 2011, 07:02:08 PM
His $100 per month is his contribution to raising his child, and should command your respect as opposed to your ridicule.

And just to clarify a technicality, that $100 is his contribution TO the BM's household for raising his daughter.  NOT his ONLY contribution. financially or otherwise.
The wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!

OZone...

In the current world we live in all syndromes are reduced to acronyms. I think that there should be a new syndrome identified and researched pertinent to his type of  behavior. I'm thinking of calling it Aggressive Stepparent Syndrome, or ASS for short.

And tigger you are absolutely correct, thank you for that clarification.

Kitty C.

LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!  We just may have to add that to the SPARC Acronym list.......Waylon???
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

ladiva23

I want to comment based on the degrading term "Sperm Donor".

In August 2009 Bio-mom posted "These kids need to go with their sperm donor like ASAP."

As a Bio-father and Step-mom team who are actively involved with the children, Bio-mom just plain doesn't like me, and can't stand the fact that my DH is STILL in their children's lives, when after all accounts of things she has done - its a wonder where we get the strength to still fight.

I am also the child of a father who was never around, and a stepfather who was, but had poop for brains about being a father.  I wish that my father had been given the OPPORTUNITY to do more, or be around more - because my mother and new step-father thought it was best if I had a "ready made family".  Regardless of what the truth is in your situation, your step-daughter will always have a biological father.  Your job, as a step-father is to be an additional parental figure and someone your SD can look up to.  Parents, bios or steps, who care about the well being of their children, and put aside their egos, will bend over backwards to make sure that the child comes first.  She doesn't know what's going on at three years of age, and won't be able to make any rationalizations about how this is affecting her until she is at least a preteen.  (ex. When I was 9 years old, my father called me for the first time in four years, - I was mad and said I didn't want to speak to him, because I knew it would hurt my mother and step-father's FEELINGS, I was the one who went in my room and cried, because I was confused.  I missed my dad so much, and really wanted to talk to him.

Regardless of how you feel, because feelings are just that - you, bio-dad, your girlfriend and THEIR child, have to co-exist.  You will just really have to get over it if you plan on being around for the long haul.
The thing is, the children don't have to choose. They can have us both. - Jackie [The Stepmom]