stepson coming to visit

[wife1]

i know it sounds terrible and i feel guilty even saying it out loud but my stepson is coming down for the holidays, and even though i know he probably wont be with us the whole time i am dreading it. I am worried about how he will treat our kids because his attitude is changing and the last time he was here this summer he was not very nice to our 6 yr old daughter ( his half sister). It upsets me that she has even told me she doesnt want him to come over becase he is mean, maybe if he was still  a bit younger i could find an excuse for him but his behavior but he is 13 and i think he should know better by now.Plus his attitude has alot to do with his mother and her crummy attitude rubbing off on him and the nonsense she fills his head with. His treatment towards the girls makes me not want him around and i dont want to feel like that or treat him differently and my kids feed off of that. So now i just dont know what to think , I know him not coming is not an option unless his mother decides to be a piece of crap as usual. How do I deal with this issue?

[ocean]

Have your husband pick him up himself or take him into a private room when he gets there. Tell him it is the holidays and the girls are excited and let's have a good week together. It is the age too, early teens are not so nice.. But he needs to be respectful in your house. Tell him that different rules at different places (mom, dad, and school). Teens are all about their friends and he is "forced" to leave for his vacation. If he is not use to little siblings at home all day that could also be an adjustment. Maybe let them have a few hours of boy time too while he is there.

[MixedBag]

As a stepmother -- when I was one -- when his kids came, they were coming HOME....not just to visit.

As an additional adult in the home, I laid down ground rules too -- or at least stepped in when I saw something wrong.  My position was that they are "children" and need to respect the adults around them....I'm not MOM, but they respect teachers at school, they can respect me too. 

FF today -- I still get along and keep in touch with all three former steps even though their Dad is EX#3.

I also hovered and kept a close eye on the whole situation mainly because OSD and MSD's relationship could go from zero to WWIII in a blink, and SS would start crapola with anyone he came across....mainly my son.  All three are wonderful kids -- now adults, and they'll admit to all that happened and wish they acted differently.

[wife1]

Actully he is #3 of 5 kids and right now he is the oldest in the house , so I know he is used to being around smaller kids for sure, I feel its just resentment towards our kids. Because of the situation and how his mother is i try hard to make sure he feels like this could and is his home too, but since we only see him 2x a year summer and christmas i know it is alot of resentment towards the girls that probably makes him act like that. That is something i dont know how to deal with and it is something i will not tolerate. I never want my husband to feel like he is in the middle but its hard to get him to understand and see what is really going on because I know his guilt of not being around plays a big part in him not laying down rules.

[Jeeplady]

I have been through that same situation and found that stepson would get bored at our house and try to start stuff by teasing the little ones (he thought it was funny).    There was about the same age gap as yours and we just didn't have enough to keep him busy--his Dad worked a lot so he felt 'dumped' with me and the girls.   He was also a video game addict--(his mom gave him unlimited time) and he thought it was funny to let the girls play with him, but then put the 'cheats' on so he would always win, etc.....just crappy mean stuff but then they got wise and wouldn't play anymore .    He wasn't around enough to make real friends in the neighborhood, there was a kid next door but they didn't get along well--again, stupid stuff like trading baseball cards, then being unhappy with the trade and starting stuff.    I finally put my foot down with hubby and said 'you need to make plans with him while he is here---one on one boy time!'.   Even just going outside to toss a football around or go to a high school game helped a lot.   Now they are all grown and gone but there are still stories that come out once in awhile---he taught them how to shoot spitballs at the dining room window, etc etc......I think a lot of it is just the 13 year old in him.....he has to just grow out of it.

[wife1]

I really wish that was all it was but unfortunalty he has always been that way with our kids, with my/our oldest who is 6 he cant stand to be around her, wont speak to her other than to tell her to be quiet or get away. His father works all the time and is never here so your right he is always stuck with me for the majority of the time. Plus when ever no one is around I hear him tell the oldest one things like " you have to listen to me" so I had to tell my girl she doesnt I certainly dont want him taking advantage of her.

[wife1]

saw something i wish i had not because now i am just getting seriously angry. Bio mom is adding a hyphen and step dads last name on ss name. It might not be a real big deal seeing as how it is on fb but if she is doing it there than who knows where else she is doing it.

[ocean]

It sounds like mom is saying things to him about your house/child. If this has been happening for years then you are dealing with PAS. As for the name change, she can not legally do that unless she has sole legal custody. If your husband has joint then she needs his signature on the paperwork for the courts or have a court date. I would leave it alone until after you have him this visit so she does not use this against you. Print out the facebook page as evidence. After he leaves, he can send her a short letter that you expect son to use his legal name and if she continues to use step-dad name you will take it to court. See if it comes out during the visit too...if he does it at school (you can request school records and see how mom filled out emergency card and registration). He may be just trying to fit in at mom's since everyone else has XX as their last name.

[wife1]

What is PAS? As a matter of fact I can remember when she sent a pack of school pictures it has the step dads name on it to. I know she does that kind of stuff just out of anger but its wrong and having him do it too is even worse. He had one before but it was a joint account with his younger half brother and both I and my husband were friend with him on it but after my husband and his mom got in an argument this summer she deleted the account. She never informs us of anything going on with him and hardly answers the phone so the only way we got to see pictures of him was through her account and his and now we never see anything or know anything. We cant prove but we know she tells him things about us and the kids, even though we cant prove anything. Once when she was pregnant with her last kid she told him that our kids werent his siblings only hers. 

[wife1]

Mom Jailed for Letting Son Use Step-Dad's Last NameApril 9, 2010 by Sheree R. Curry (http://credovie.wordpress.com/author/credovie/)A mother must spend 10 days in jail for signing her son up for a baseball league using his  stepfather's last name instead of that of his biological dad, the Alabama Court of  Appeals ruled (http://www.courthousenews.com/AppellateOpinions/CIV2080639.pdf).Lisa Preston was required to have her son use the last name of her  former husband, Matthew Saab, when playing sports, according to the parties 2005 divorce decree, but in 2008 she did not use the Saab last name when she registered the 13-year-old.  She claimed it was the boy's choice. But as we all know, children can be influenced. The appellate court determined that the child, who ultimately put his first name on the back of the jersey instead of either last name, felt caught in the middle trying to please both parents, who divorced in Alaska in 1997, two years after he was born, although the parents had separated some time before then.
  I know its terrible but im glad I found this, maybe we could use it to help us

[ocean]

PAS= parent alienation syndrome
Not sure how much you can do, but you can get the school notified that his legal name is XX and you want that enforced at school. I am sure there is a lot more to that case and the judge just had it at that point. My husband's ex tried to send a letter that she was changing kids names but we called court and found out that she can not do it legally unless he signed permission. Rarely will a judge sign off when a parent has visitation and is paying child support.

[4honor]

You could have been talking about my family 9 years ago. Step Son is 7 years older than my older son and 8.5 more than the youngest. BM used to pull crap and say nonsense (your half siblings aren't your real siblings, you have to live with someone for them to be your real family...). It set him up for fal;ure. He was so jealous of the younger boys. He hated that they got to live with their Dad and he had to go back. But the crap his mother put in his head messed with it. She had him convinced that his brothers weren't REAL...he used that as an excuse for having sodomized them. He actually said it didn't matter what he did to them because they weren't real.
Don't let this teen get away with POOR behavior because it will only escalate. He needs to learn the tool of treating people at least as well as he would treat a stranger and with a modicum of respect.

[wife1]

He comes from a home where no one says thank you, please, your welcome, or any other kind of basic kindness. A house totaly devoid of politeness. He is starting to have an attitude of we owe him something. I hate feeling the dread of his arrival and the affect it will have on our girls. I know my daughter ( the one he doesnt get along with) said that he had grabbed her arm last time he was down, and i normally have patience with him, but this pushed me over the limit. She is only 6 and he is 12 ,I finally had to call my inlaws to come get him . I couldnt even stand to be around him and had to have him leave. What makes it worse is that he is with me the majority time while my husband is working, so how do i discipline him with out over stepping any boundaries? It is hard for me to understand why she feels the need to make this situation so difficult, she goes out of her way to do and say things that will change his feelings and his relationship with any of us for the worse. She has been married to her husband for almost 13yrs and they have two kids of their own a beautiful home, and she still does these things. We never bother her or talk bad about her, or argue with her and she still does this nonsense. It is so emotionally and physically draining on me and my relationship with my husband. i just dont know what to do  

[ocean]

There needs to be house rules. Sit everyone down and say "we want to have a good week but last time there were a few issues. So, here are some house rules: no touching each other/hitting, list 3-4 issues and expectations (everyone cleans up after themselves). Then give some rewards and consequences. If everyone follows the rules we can XXX( we can have movie night with dad at home with popcorn one night, we can xxx). If someone can not follow the rules, then need a time out in their room, the number of minutes equal their age plus they need to fix whatever happened, (clean up, say sorry). You can put older stepson in his room for misbehavior.

When something comes up say "you guys have two choices, get along and play nice you get xx, continue bothering each other you will loose movie night tonight".

If he is totally talking back to you, have your husband deal with him when he get home and maybe have him save his sick/vacation days when he comes. If you have to, shorten the time he is with you or have in-laws take him a few days when he is working. Arrange it ahead of time so it is not a punishment. You can even use that as a reward if he likes to go there.

He is at a hard age anyway. Then mom is not helping. Try to have the week planned out and structured.. Find things to do (parks, library, bake cookies, play board game with them, have them help with chores so you can do something in the afternoon- all kids no matter age can fold clothes or help). Let him have some alone time too. Maybe earn computer time or game time or tv time. Wait until your 6 year old is a teen, not fun...lol 

[Kitty C.]

'It is hard for me to understand why she feels the need to make this situation so difficult, she goes out of her way to do and say things that will change his feelings and his relationship with any of us for the worse. She has been married to her husband for almost 13yrs and they have two kids of their own a beautiful home, and she still does these things. We never bother her or talk bad about her, or argue with her and she still does this nonsense.'

Let me see if I can put some perspective on it......it's because she HATES your DH more than she LOVES your SS.  It's because regardless of what her life might be like now, she still holds a grudge against your DH and your SS is the most convenient tool to get back at him (and you by association).  It's because she perceives this so-called 'pain' associated with your DH (and you) and she wants you both to hurt more than she does.  It's because she's vindictive and spiteful and basically a school yard bully.

Your SS's behavior is a product of that hate.  And that hate is so blinding to her that she cannot possibly realize what kind of damage it is doing to her own son.  This child is caught squarely in the middle and his behavior is a reaction to that, along with the BS that she's purposely feeding him about your family.  I know that it is difficult, but you really need to see the behavior for what it truly is...a cry for help.  As 4honor said from experience, letting this go could cause even more serious problems down the road.

I know that an inclination would be to limit the time that he spends with you...and at times that may be the wisest choice, depending on what's going on.  But keep in mind this:  it won't change what he is becoming, thanks to his mother.  She will see that as a victory on her part and up the ante, to the point that I wouldn't be surprised if she would eventually try to eliminate your DH from his life completely.  In fact, that may be her plan all along.  Just keep in mind that even if this were to happen, your SS's problems will still only get worse, not better.  This poor kid is in a lose-lose situation right now.  And he really needs an adult he can trust on his side.  I imagine he has no idea why he's angry, just that he is.  And even if he does know, it would be very difficult for him to voice it.

I truly feel sorry for this child.....he needs all the help, love, and support he can get right now.  And I hate to be blunt about this, but there's no other way to say it:  Your DH must spend more time with him...if for nothing else but to lessen the pain this child is going through.  He NEEDS his father right now, more than ever.  And your DH should be bending over backwards to make that happen.  The alternatives are NOT favorable:  worsening behavior, assaulting your children, staying with BM full time so that the mind-poisoning can continue full-blown, psychological problems that require treatment (do you honestly think BM would get him the help if he needed it?), or (heaven forbid) juvenile delinquency or worse.  As I see it, that's the writing on the wall.......

[Davy]

Excellent summation by Kitty and I would like to add that the dysfunction is likely to continue into adulthood. My youngest son (38 yr old) reiterated as much just TODAY.

[Kitty C.]

Exactly, Davy....both my DS and SS (22 and almost 18 respectively) are living proof of that, as well.

[wife1]

"Let me see if I can put some perspective on it......it's because she HATES your DH more than she LOVES your SS.  It's because regardless of what her life might be like now, she still holds a grudge against your DH and your SS is the most convenient tool to get back at him (and you by association).  It's because she perceives this so-called 'pain' associated with your DH (and you) and she wants you both to hurt more than she does.  It's because she's vindictive and spiteful and basically a school yard bully."
You said that perfectly!
He is here and she is only allowing him to stay for 4 days out of the 14 they are going to be here, and the worse part is that my husband didnt even try to get her to allow him more time together. I want to tell him to tell her to allow him to stay longer but I know he won't. He hates to argue with her and says it just isn't worth the fight.  I think I butt in too much but I can't help but push him . Your completly right though she does HATE  him enough to keep doing this to him and all of us and its sad. He has been here since aturday night and goes back tomorrow, and I know SS wants to stay longer but he doesn't say anything because he knows he will just get in trouble with her too. I can see what he will end up being like as an adult and it is not looking good.

[wife1]

Well today my SS left back with his mother and I was the one who dropped him off at her inlaws house. Luckily she wasn't there so I didnt have to deal with her. Today was a bit of an eye opener with him, he normaly cries when he leaves but today he cried with me, and it was a first. It was a completly different emotion for me, I hugged him and made sure we were both facing away from the door so his SF couldn't see or hear what  we were saying or doing. It was the first time he hugged me and I could tell he wasen't ready to let go. All I could do was reassure him that we loved him, missed him, and would always have his room waiting for him for whenever he was ready to come stay with us. Today it hit me when we were having our moment of how much this poor child is hurting inside and how conflicted he really is. He wants to be with us but feels his loyalty with his mother, he doesnt want to feel guilty about wanting to see or be with us but he does. My heart breaks for him. Before I felt so passionate about pushing the issue about him coming and now I feel like we shouldnt because that is what she is doing only oposite. We dont ever want to make him choose between his mom and us, or to feel like that is what we are trying to get him to do. If he comes it should be because it is his own choice. Today was just different, I wasent prepared for it. And now Im just sad....