Must take my child to all extra curricular activites, even on my weekend,

[tommy1319]

I get my son everyother weekend, We have a house in the Poconos where we enjoy boating, sailing , fishing, snowboarding etc.. and playing with his two other sisiters from another marrige.  He's 10 years old.  My Ex- Girlfriend just took me to court, because I take my son every other weekend to the Poconos.     Well, the judge ordered that I have to take him to anything my ex signs him up for like soccer, or baseball on one of my two weekends.  That means we can now only go up to the Poconos once a month!  And the kicker is that she doesn't have to take him to anything I sign him up for, like bowling on her weekends!  Talk about a double standard!!!     Hes content to play have the season, and come with his dad the other two weekends.   I thought that if its my weekend, I can do what I want with my son.  I don't tell her what to do on her weekends!  I don't get it!!!  
Please help!!!!!!    

[ocean]

The judge is looking at what is best for the child. The child should be allowed to play soccer games on your weekends. If you go away one weekend then okay fine...we did that too but it sounds like you did this often. At his age, when you sign up for an activity he should be at most games and practices because that is what is fair for the team too. I understand your frustration but  if your child enjoys these activites maybe you can limit it to one activity in the fall and one in the spring for 10 weeks each? Good luck!

[CustodyIQ]

>I get my son everyother weekend, We have a house in the
>Poconos where we enjoy boating, sailing , fishing,
>snowboarding etc.. and playing with his two other sisiters
>from another marrige.  He's 10 years old.  My Ex- Girlfriend
>just took me to court, because I take my son every other
>weekend to the Poconos.     Well, the judge ordered that I
>have to take him to anything my ex signs him up for like
>soccer, or baseball on one of my two weekends.  That means we
>can now only go up to the Poconos once a month!  And the
>kicker is that she doesn't have to take him to anything I sign
>him up for, like bowling on her weekends!  Talk about a double
>standard!!!     Hes content to play have the season, and come
>with his dad the other two weekends.   I thought that if its
>my weekend, I can do what I want with my son.  I don't tell
>her what to do on her weekends!  I don't get it!!!  
>Please help!!!!!!    


Well, to be clear, it means you "only" get to go to the Poconos 3 out of every 4 weekends (i.e., two weekends when son is not with you, plus one weekend when he is).  Must be a rough life.

Suck it up.  The judge made a decision.

This decision in no way will damage your son.  You're just upset that you can't get to do what you want to do.

If this is one of the most horrible things in your life, I strongly suggest that you adjust your perspective and be thankful for everything you have.

[wendl]

Well I think both parnets should take kids to the activities while in their care.  At 10 they are starting a whole new world.  As much as they like bwing with their parents, they also are becoming more independent and have a social life.  

My son is 13, he likes to ski, hunt, fish etc. But he would rather play sports with his buddies.  My ex doesn't see our son, BUT my son and I have a rule ONE weekend a month is for US to spend together, which works really well.

I know it is frustrating but remember you son is growing up and whether we like it or not will want to be with his friends more than his parents.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[topnotchdad]

I agree that you should suck it up and take him to his games and ENJOY it.  In fact, you should attend his games when it's not your week, too, and cheer for him and be proud of him!  If I were you, I'd try to make an agreement where son is only allowed to do X number of activities at one time.  Then son needs to decide which activities are most important to him, and both parents support that decision and attend his activities.  If he chooses bowing over baseball, then mom needs to suck it up and take him.  If he chooses baseball and soccer, then you need to accept that and go to his games, and take him bowling for fun but don't put him on a team.  Maybe he could do bowling during the winter, when it's not soccer/baseball season.

Go to the Poconos without him when he's at his mom's.  He will say "It's not fair." and you will say "life's not fair."  But don't make him feel guilty about playing sports and keeping you from enjoying your weekend home.  Soon he'll be in Middle or Jr High and his games will probably be during the week.

[msme]

My son's ex was only allowed to see their kids for 3 hours a week. The witch judge gave her Saturday afternoons from 2 to 5 every Saturday. He could not go away for a vacation unless they left after 5 on Sat. & got back before 2 on the following Sat. They could not go away for a weekend ever.

He begged the judge to change it to one week Saturday & the next week Monday from 4 to 7. The judge said that since my son had them most of the time, he could give up Saturday afternoons. I should mention that she is no longer on the bench. We weren't the only family she messed with.

The kids could not participate in anything that happened during that time. She would not adjust the time, even so they could go to friends birthday parties which usually happened Sat. afternoon. Instead, she took them to a park, known for drug problems & spent her time talking with her friends while the kids played in the park.

This went on for over 3 years. Then lucky for us, she just stopped showing up. Now, we are facing court again cuz she has decided that she wants to see them again.

Thank God for what you have & remember that your son will be grown before you know it. Make the most of every moment & go to his games & cheer him on. Sports are particularly good for kids who live with the stress of a divorce. Don't add to it by resenting having to take him to his games.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[tommy1319]

Thanks for all the replies regarding my situation with taking my son to all his extra curricular activities.  I failed to mention that when we go to the Poconos, we sail, motor boat, water-ski, snowboard, fish, hike and swim.  I consider all those important sport activities as well as soccer and baseball.  My son is content to play every other game as he did all last soccer season.  He wasnt svery much to go to the Poconos and is encoraged to invite his friends as well.  Its been like this for years!  Until now.   He also likes to bowl,  as I mentioned, but my ex- refused to take him on HER weekends because it wasn't convienient.  I think whats good for the gander is good for the goose.  My ex and I don't get along, and I believe she has done this on spite.      

[gidgetgirl]

"He also likes to bowl, as I mentioned, but my ex- refused to take him on HER weekends because it wasn't convienient. I think whats good for the gander is good for the goose. My ex and I don't get along, and I believe she has done this on spite. "

So because XW is a witch re: DS' bowling, that gives you carte blanche to be vindictive in the same way?  Don't you see that DS is caught in the middle here?

With this attitude that you both have, do you think DS can feel free to tell you that he WANTS to go to all the games, or do you think he has some internal pressure to tell you what you want to hear?

Another thing to consider- DS is getting to the age where he should honor commitments- voluntary or involuntary.  I realize that you did not sign him up for these particular commitments, BUT you've since been ordered to go and support them.  You can do it resentfully, which will just make you more angry OR you can enjoy the silver lining and support DS in his activities.  What do you want DS to remember of his childhood- you being PO'd for having to go to his games, or you actively cheering on the sidelines for him and his team with lots of genuine enthusiam.

You have a reason to be irritated that your time truly isn't your time anymore, but PLEASE try to make lemonade out of the lemons you've been given for DS' sake!!!!!!!!!!!!

[futureuselesseater]

All I can say is I'm so glad my ex takes our son to all sporting events, etc...on his weekends and vice versa.  My son's father sees that it is important that our son spends time with his peers doing sports and he wouldn't have it any other way!  In fact, if my son's father has to miss any visitation at all for DS's extracurricular activites he doesn't care as long as our son gets to be a normal child.  We Coparent really well and both agree our son needs the socialization with his friends.

It really is for the best!  It seems the judge has ordered this so there really isn't anything you can do about it other than abide by the court order.

[futureuselesseater]

All I can say is I'm so glad my ex takes our son to all sporting events, etc...on his weekends and vice versa.  My son's father sees that it is important that our son spends time with his peers doing sports and he wouldn't have it any other way!  In fact, if my son's father has to miss any visitation at all for DS's extracurricular activites he doesn't care as long as our son gets to be a normal child.  We Coparent really well and both agree our son needs the socialization with his friends.

It really is for the best!  It seems the judge has ordered this so there really isn't anything you can do about it other than abide by the court order.

[ilovemysd]

There's a difference between parenting and babysitting, and babysitting is what an NCP is reduced to in situations where the CP is allowed to make all decisions about what the child does, regardless of where the child is.  In our situation, the CP tends to wait until two days before an activity before telling the NCP that the child needs to be somewhere.  This frequently interferes with family plans... has interfered with two birthday parties and a sleepover with the child's cousins.  When a NCP has limited time and contact with the child, it is absolutely imperative that family events or NCP time be honored.  In our situation, the CP is very adament that the NCP cannot tell the CP what to do during CP's time, but in the reverse, is quite happy telling the NCP how to parent, when to parent, where to parent.  We talk so frequently about the best interests of the child, but truly, for the sake of our children's future marriages, isn't it best to not teach that a father's role is to do whatever mom says?  If NCPs constantly make accomodations to what the CP demands, the NCP teaches the child that the CP is more important than anything, and seriously skews the child's perception of a healthy marriage/parenting relationship.

[ocean]

I agree with you BUT your DH also has to be a parent to his child and be  active in their life. That means finding out what is going on at school and take them and once the child is signed up for soccer (or whatever) the child makes most of the games. There were times that we felt that SD should miss the soccer game for a family event but that usually only happened one time a season. Her schedule should also be a priority. By the father being involved in the child's activities teaches the child how a parent cares and roots for children. It has nothing to do with father doing what BM says. Just because a child's parents are divorced does not mean they should not get to be at their games. The best interest is for the child to have a "Regular" childhood that has both parents who can talk and root their kids on regardless if they are married or not.

[tommy1319]

I am the original poster of this string.  I have been ordered to take my son to all activities his mother decides he should go to.  The judge however did not order my ex- to do the same on her weekends.   I do feel like a baby sitter and my son and his sisters from another marriage like spedning time with me.  Its very unfair, even though I have legal joint custody.  The important thing is that my son enjoys being with me and doing things together and is alright with missing every other soccer game, this way he has the best of both worlds (his words).
But for the judge to order that I have to take him where ever my ex-says, and she doesn't have to do the same, I think is unfair and typical of the slanted legal system that always treats fathers as part time baby sitters and insignicant entities.
My ex treats me as a nusance, and is irriated by having to share our  son.  He is being used as a pawn.  I have taken him to plenty of activities in the past, now that she has the court order, she is planning to sign him up for every thing under the sun, just to impact my time with my son and his sisters.  His two sisters are impacted because they will have to ruin there weekend time with me for a two hour activity in the middle of a Saturday afternoon, on my weekend instead of being on sailboat in the Poconos or doing whatever we want...
Things need to change with regards to fathers rights.  
I need suggestions!!!!!        

[tommy1319]

I am the original poster of this string.  I have been ordered to take my son to all activities his mother decides he should go to.  The judge however did not order my ex- to do the same on her weekends.   I do feel like a baby sitter and my son and his sisters from another marriage like spedning time with me.  Its very unfair, even though I have legal joint custody.  The important thing is that my son enjoys being with me and doing things together and is alright with missing every other soccer game, this way he has the best of both worlds (his words).
But for the judge to order that I have to take him where ever my ex-says, and she doesn't have to do the same, I think is unfair and typical of the slanted legal system that always treats fathers as part time baby sitters and insignicant entities.
My ex treats me as a nusance, and is irriated by having to share our  son.  He is being used as a pawn.  I have taken him to plenty of activities in the past, now that she has the court order, she is planning to sign him up for every thing under the sun, just to impact my time with my son and his sisters.  His two sisters are impacted because they will have to ruin there weekend time with me for a two hour activity in the middle of a Saturday afternoon, on my weekend instead of being on sailboat in the Poconos or doing whatever we want...
Things need to change with regards to fathers rights.  
I need suggestions!!!!!        

[Ref]

Wow! Your judge SUCKS! Unless you think your judge will reconsider, you really have no choice but to do as you are told and be a good NCP. This really sucks for you. I am really sorry.

The only thing you can make a choice about is how you react to the crap you are placed in. You can be angry and behave like you are being punished or you can get excited about going to the games. Make plans with the whole family around it. Go when it isn't your time. This outlook will not only keep you from going gray or losing your hair but also piss off your ex by showing that she cannot ruin your life no matter how controlling and evil she is. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing this bothing you. Exs like this LOVE control, if you act as though YOU are benefiting from this by enjoying the time she will blow her top!

My advice is to get your head in a positive place about this. It will turn the poison your ex is trying to lay on you, back on her. HEHE you can even call her and ask when ALL of his games are and tell her you will see her there. That will REALLY get under her skin.

Good Luck

Ref

[topnotchdad]

Yeah, you should even volunteer to be the soccer coach next year.  I guarantee you that she will pull him out of soccer if you do that, and then you will have your weekends back.  OR, she may leave him in soccer, in which case you willl have a better bond with your son--he will remember that you coached him for the rest of his life.

BM signed my SD up for gymnastics just so she could come get her on our weekends (and piss us off).  We said, "great, what time is it, we will bring her and meet you there!"  She pulled her out after only a couple months.  Of course SD was disappointed she didn't get to do gymnastics anymore, but we had the last laugh on BM.

[msme]

Keep very accurate records of everything she signs him up for, that interferes with your time. Then, send her a certified letter with the info for his bowling, as well as anything else that you would like to have him do on her time. Send her one each week. She will either refuse them or sign for them & as you said, ignore the things on her time.

Make sure you take him to everything she schedules him for. Put on a happy face & take lots of pictures. Take them with a disposable camera, that you purchase the day of the event. Take them to a one hour developer & then put them in an envelope with the receipt from the camera & the one from the processing.

Mail them to yourself & don't open them. When mailing them, address the back of the envelope. Buy small denomination stamps & place them along the edge of the flap of the envelope. Take this to the post office & ask them to hand cancel it. This creates a postal seal & is admisable in court as evidence.

Go to every meeting & event at school. Speak frequently with his teachers & his counselor. Volunteer when you can at school. Everything you do must be done with the love & joy that you derive from being part of your son's life.

After about a year of her doing this, & you collecting the evidence, you might stand a chance of convincing the judge of the inequity of the situation. Of course, you can also find out if the judge is elected & when the election comes up, work hard for the opponent. It worked for us.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[lawless]

I have been in this situation where a boy on my son's soccer team was only taken to soccer by his Mom and not his Dad.  I must admit, although it does seem that we should be able to do whatever we want with our kids when they are with us, it is a burden on the other boys, the coach, and the team to have one player gone half of the time.  It seems that the message to your son is that since the divorce, he does not have to commit to the same level as the other kids.  He is also taking a space from another child who is willing to commit to the fullest level.

I do completely agree with you that the judgement seems biased but I believe that we need to teach children as young as 10 what it means to commit to a team.  The best scenario would be for the 2 parents to decide together (with your son, of course) which sports to commit to.  Then, it is important for both to participate.  This is not about getting back at the Ex, it is about your son and setting an example for him.  He probably would prefer to only commit 1/2 of the time and be on vacation the other 1/2 but this is not really what it is like being on a team.

The boy I mentioned above eventually took a stand with his father and at age 13 started coming to all practices and games.  By the way, he is our most talented player now at age 16!

Your weekend trips sound fantastic!  Surely there are "off season" times when you can go a few extra times.....


Lawless

[Sunshine1]

"Mail them to yourself & don't open them. When mailing them, address the back of the envelope. Buy small denomination stamps & place them along the edge of the flap of the envelope. Take this to the post office & ask them to hand cancel it. This creates a postal seal & is admisable in court as evidence."

Can you explain this for me?  What do you do? and Why?

[msme]

It is what is known as a poor man's copy right. If you have something that you need to prove the date of, by mailing it to yourself & using the stamps as a seal & having it hand canceled at the post office, you can prove that the contentents are as they were on that given date. That
can not be refuted. It can be opened in court by or in front of the judge as evidence to an incident.

Hope that clears it up.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[backwardsbike]

Hi!  I might get flamed for this so I am putting on my flame retardant suit.  But i deal with exactly the same issue!  I am a NCM,

Dad signs the kids up for all kinds of things and i must be the Taxi ATM when they are here.  And I have evidence that HE doesn'tt ake them tot hese things on HIS OWN weekends!  The judge doesn't care,

These judges have way too much discretion.  I have never said I would n'tt ake them tot things, i just asked for compensatory time.  i mean come on.  if I get 48 hours EOW adn the kids have activities that take up more than one day when do i get to be a parent?  X has not been made to give comensatory time yet!  Go figure.

Sorry I have no advice, But I thought you might like to know you aren'tt he only one.

[melissa3]

No flames here, I totally agree with you!!

Both parents have the right to parent their children and neither parent should be granted absolute control unless the other is completly inept.

If one parent wants their kids in everything under the sun and wants these activities to be done on the other parents time then that parent either needs to be slapped or be willing to negotiate make-up time for  time missed.

If its really the child's idea/wish to be in these activites then both parents need to be there to support them, whether or not it cuts into visitation time.

Backwardsbike - I agree with you 100% but I would like to add something about being able to have parenting time. You can be a parent to your child anytime, anywhere. Just becuase they aren't interacting with you during visitation time it does not mean you aren't bonding. Kids looooove to know their parents support them and they loooooove to make parents proud. They also loooove when you show genuine interest in what they do so just showing up to a game/recital/performance really means the world to them. So, when an spiteful/vengeful ex pulls a nasty stunt use it to get closer to your child.

Where there is a will, there is a way.....

[backwardsbike]

Thanks for the advice.  it is sometimes hard to remeber.  I am a hands on mom.  The kind who made al the preschool snacks by hand and ddi science experiemnts with my kids each afternoon after schhol.  being a mom is the only thing I ever really wanted to do.

Now i am prevented froms eeing my kids more than EOW.  I get 48 hours twice a month!  That's it.  And my kids stil need me.  They discuss things with me they never would with their dad and SM.  They need my insight and support.

With all the running around and having them off witht he schout master there isn't much time for the rest of it and its he rest of it that I see as more imporatnat.  Especailly when CP doesn't send them to the schout stuff on HIS time!

Alientation plays a big part in y case.  Is pend all my time just trying to maintain a realationship with my kids and try to foster realtionships with them and thier younger sibs.  Hey, soomeday I'll be dead, its the yunger kids who will beome the family when that happends.  If the bonds are n't made now, these kids will fins themselves alone in the world.

I don't want that!

[dearsirena]

ex's who do things out of spite and not in the best interest of the children!  My Skids never participated in sports until the divorce.  It was then used as an excuse why they couldn't go see dad (we live in a different state 2000K miles away).  My DH's ex would pump them up how they HAD to go to every sporting event however, it was discovered that leaving their town to visit friends across the states was just hunky dory and missing sports for that was just fine!!

Then on top of that it wasn't a soccer season only.  It was basketball, track and DH's ex even signed them up for YMCA community stuff (the more they had going on the more they couldn't see dad!!)

We were fortunate and had the judge backed us after proving malicious behavior (director of the Catholic school sided that visiting dad was more important than sports).  He believe that the order was God, Family, School, Athletics and it helped us in court.  There has to be a balance and often the other parent doesn't get help such as this case I read here.

[oklahoma]

What is best for the child?  Soccer/sports is better for a child than quality time spent with his family?  What world are you living in?  My husband is ultra-sports fanatic, admits that sports probably kept him out of trouble (i.e. jail); he wants his kids to have the same experience and discipline. We have made last-minute changes in our plans to endure SDs get to a game or practice (difficult when we had to drive 4 hours one way for visits.)  But no way is it OK for an outside party--even a judge--to say that a parent must take his/her child to extracurricular activities.

(I apologize if someone further down has already said the same thing--but this one fired me up.)

[oklahoma]

I am dumbfounded that you would actually suggest purposefully leaving a child out of a family activity.  As NCP, I know you can't always have the kids with you--even on the court-ordered weekends!!  But to leave him behind and say "Life's not fair."  That is just cold.  And I would suggest far more damaging than asking him to skip soccer (it may not be a guilt trip--maybe his son just isn't that much into soccer--it does happen....)

BM has not allowed us to see my SDs for nearly a year, nor has she allowed any contact.  (I got through once on the phone, while BM was at work, and the next day our phone number was blocked.)  So we wrote happy little "wish you were here" letters--half expecting them not to make it to SDs--and in return we have recieved one letter from each SD, begging us not to write because it hurts their feelings and makes them so angry.  Now, we can recognize that BM and counselors have been helping SDs see things a little skewed, but can you imagine what the response would be to just leaving them behind on purpose for a trip to the Poconos? (Of course that would be a HUGE trip for us, since we are in Oregon....)

[ocean]

Yes, but these two parents can not get along so the judge had to step in and say the child can particiapte in sports on both parents weekends. He stated that child wanted to play but father wants to take him away EVERY weekend he has him. Just like your husband got to play and you made sacrificies for your SD, so should he. Once in a while, you skip to go away, we all did that because that was the best for the family. Many children sign-up for one or two  activities a season. We all have to shuttle the kids around as they get older, it is part of being a parent.

[oklahoma]

Being a parent is having a say in what activities your child participates in, and encouraging your child in activities he or she enjoys--fishing, boating camping, just as much as soccer.  Not just driving them to those activities.  The judge overstepped his bound by dictating HOW this dad is parenting--a dad who obviously is providing well for his child, not being neglectful or harmful, simply making a different choice than what his ex-wife wants (go figure!!)

Last night on the Olympics, they featured an ice skater from Turkey--they very first one ever to skate in the Olympics.  Her parents gave up successful jobs and moved to another country so that their daughter could pursue the sport.  Great story!  Great parents!  They could have just as easily chosen to stay in Turkey, live much more comfortably, and let their daughter pursue other interests.  I'm sure she would have turned out great.  The point is the PARENTS made the decision, not a JUDGE.

[ocean]

Parents should make that choice so why can't the mother sign him up for soccer in the fall and baseball in the spring? The child wants to play the sports and at 10 years old, he should not be missing every other week games. If he continues to play sports in a few years, they will bench him from not being there.  Each season is 10 weeks so we are only talking about 5 times a season for each. Parents should make these decisions but these two parents do not agree and asked for a judge to decide. I have been on both sides of this and can see both sides. Bottom line is that if the parents are going ot fight each other every step of the way, they will have a judge making a lot of future decisions.

[lawless]

I don't think the suggestion was to purposefully leave the child out of a family activity.  The suggestion was for Dad to go on his weekend trips on the weeks when the Mom has the child and to stay in town and participate in the sports events when he has the child.  This would not be leaving him behind as he is with his Mom.

It is important to keep sending the children notes even if they don't want them.  Remind them constantly that they are loved and when they grow up, they will remember this.  Keep plugging.  It does eventually make a difference.  This is the advice we are getting from my SDs' counselors.  Never stop communicating!  Have you read "Divorce Poison"?  It has been a helpful book for us.
Lawless

[Nesto]

>Well, the judge ordered that I
>have to take him to anything my ex signs him up for like
>soccer, or baseball on one of my two weekends.  That means we
>can now only go up to the Poconos once a month!  And the
>kicker is that she doesn't have to take him to anything I sign
>him up for, like bowling on her weekends!  Talk about a double
>standard!!!     Hes content to play have the season, and come
>with his dad the other two weekends.   I thought that if its
>my weekend, I can do what I want with my son.  I don't tell
>her what to do on her weekends!  I don't get it!!!  
>Please help!!!!!!    

Tommy, you said you had joint legal custody? Is there anything in your current MSAs, etc that deals with this? In my case, it very explicitly says that neither my ex nor I may sign up our kids for an activity that crosses over to the other's time unless we have prior written permission. Would that work for you?

Did you sign your DS up for bowling without consulting your ex?

[Samson2005]

>There's a difference between parenting and babysitting, and
>babysitting is what an NCP is reduced to in situations where
>the CP is allowed to make all decisions about what the child
>does, regardless of where the child is.  In our situation, the
>CP tends to wait until two days before an activity before
>telling the NCP that the child needs to be somewhere.  This
>frequently interferes with family plans... has interfered with
>two birthday parties and a sleepover with the child's cousins.
> When a NCP has limited time and contact with the child, it is
>absolutely imperative that family events or NCP time be
>honored.  In our situation, the CP is very adament that the
>NCP cannot tell the CP what to do during CP's time, but in the
>reverse, is quite happy telling the NCP how to parent, when to
>parent, where to parent.  We talk so frequently about the best
>interests of the child, but truly, for the sake of our
>children's future marriages, isn't it best to not teach that a
>father's role is to do whatever mom says?  If NCPs constantly
>make accomodations to what the CP demands, the NCP teaches the
>child that the CP is more important than anything, and
>seriously skews the child's perception of a healthy
>marriage/parenting relationship.
>
>

Well Said!