Scared

[starr]

I have been looking at this site for quite some time now and have been scared to post because I am a female that is in the same position as so many of the guys on her. You all seem so knowledgable on all these facts and I would really like help with my situation.

Non-Custodial MOM

   Whenever you hear a MOM say she does not have custody of her children, the first thing that goes through most peoples head is ;wow she must be a drug addict, wild, or maybe she had an affair or something. Well this may be true in some cases, but not all. Why is it when a man says this no one thinks anything of it. I myself think it's so sad for anyone not to have their children.
   Living through a bad marriage is bad enough especially when it starts at age 17. You hear a lot of women(and men) who have controlling, abusive,and alcohilic spouses say I stayed for the children and I thought I could change him and make it work, well that was me. I stayed through it all. Just for him to leave me for an eighteen year old employee of his.
   This guy was always good at getting out of everything he did. He was and still is a smooth talker who thinks the world owes him something (his tattoo that says conceided on it says it all).
   He had my head so warped I believed everything he said to me even knowing in the back of my mind that he never cared for me. Even after he told me he thought she was pregnant and he no longer loved me I still tried to do everything he said thinking "He's cheated on me before and left me before maybe he'll come back this time too."
   Well you are probably thinking how stupid of you; well now I think the same thing "How could I be so stupid?" Well we kept talking on the phone and whenever his girlfriend was gone he was calling me over and saying we're not divorced you're not doing anything wrong by sleeping with me and of course I was like OK.
   Well years later I find out by him he has gotten a divorce from me and not only did he tell the judge he didn't know where I was, but he also told them he had the kids. The judge awarded him custody of our children. He came and picked them up for a visit and never brought them back. I tried to get them but he showed police the divorce papers. .I had no money to get a lawyer. I was devistated, I was lost I didn't know what I could do. I still don't to this day.
   Why would anyone do this to someone ? I didn't understand, I had always let him get the kids when ever he wanted. Always told them how much he loved them and let him just drop in to visit or call whenever he wanted.
   I've gotten a little wiser and know now that he did this to keep from paying child support and because he wanted to be able to control my life without having to be in it.
   He won't let me see my kids and I have to talk to them when he's not home. My daughter has found letters and birthday cards I've sent opened and under her dads car seat. I still have pictures in my head of him "spanking" my children so hard and so many times that they where bruised and could not sit down.
My daughter has called me many times and begged me to meet her at the park to pick her up. I had to tell her no because mommy would go to jail.
   They don't understand except for what he tells them. He says to them that he records their calls so they are scared to speek, but at the same time he buys them lots of things and they beleive he must love them.
   He took time out of his buisy day to call me just to tell me he was taking me to court for child support and that I'm not gonna get to see my kids any for Christmas and that he hopes I have a Merry Christmas. It hurt me but at the same time I thought if he takes me to court I could tell what he did.
   My heart is broken and empty and I know it will never be full again. I'm so tired of crying and I'm so mad that he still controls my life.
This pain is so much more than the death of a loved one, to know that they are there and you can't touch them and tell them how much you love them. Not knowing what they are being told.
   I now have another child she is beautiful and I love her very much, but that empty hole is still in my heart and it will never heal.
   I'm glad you took the time to read this and I hope I have changed your opinion on some non-custodial moms like me.

:(

[Brent]

>I have been looking at this site for quite some time now and
>have been scared to post because I am a female that is in the
>same position as so many of the guys on her.

The family courts trash women just like they do men. Men tend to bear the brunt of it, but women get raw deals in family court too.


>Whenever you hear a MOM say she does not have custody of her
>children, the first thing that goes through most peoples head
>is ;wow she must be a drug addict, wild, or maybe she had an
>affair or something.

I think this is the percetion becuase for a long time, that's what it took for a mother not to get custody. It was virtually automatic, and the only women that didn't get custody were the extreme cases. It's not as true as it once was, but I understand what you're saying.



>Why is it when a man says this no one thinks anything
>of it.

I think this is because that was the default for so long. Men rarely get custody, even today. It's just not that common. It's accepted that fathers don't get custody. I've often wondered why they say a mother "lost custody" but they don't say the father "lost custody" - because he was never presumed to have it in the first place. That's just my opinion, but I think it's pretty close to the mark.




>I myself think it's so sad for anyone not to have their
>children.

Well, you're in good company here- almost all of us see the need for a child to have two parents.


>Well you are probably thinking how stupid of you; well now I
>think the same thing "How could I be so stupid?"

Nope. As someone that's done a heck of a lot of stupid things in his life, I understand all too well. :) For me, "experience" is what enables me to recognize a mistake the second time I make it. :)


>where I was, but he also told them he had the kids. The judge
>awarded him custody of our children. He came and picked them
>up for a visit and never brought them back. I tried to get
>them but he showed police the divorce papers. .I had no money
>to get a lawyer. I was devistated, I was lost I didn't know
>what I could do. I still don't to this day.

How long has he had the children now? I ask because this is a key piece of information- the longer a parent has custody, the harder it is to change custody (in general).


>Why would anyone do this to someone ?

We hear that question asked a lot. It's generally because they don't care about what's really best for the children, and are more focused on revenge. At least that's a fairly common reason, judging by what I've seen.


>He won't let me see my kids and I have to talk to them when
>he's not home.

To begin with, I'd suggest you start using these letters:

Notice Of Intent To Exercise Visitation
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/intent.htm

and:

Denial Of Visitation Form Letter
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/missed-visit.htm



>I had to tell her no because mommy
>would go to jail.

It's unlikely you'd go to jail. If anything, you'd end up in front of a judge, and might get to tell your side of the story.



>I'm glad you took the time to read this and I hope I have
>changed your opinion on some non-custodial moms like me.

I'm glad you wrote this. If you can tell us what it is you want to do (change custody, increase your parenting time, etc), there are lots of people here who'll be able to give you some ideas and advice.

[Peanutsdad]

Im so sorry that yet another parent has to come here with this tale. We hear it every day hun,, many times,,,by fathers and mothers.

Im going to give you the best advise I have,, and as it may sound like so little right now, it means so much.

1. Lose the emotion. If you cannot retain an attrny, you MUST become your own. This means you absolutely, positively canNOT show emotion. You must develop a cool exterior just as an attrny would have for you.

2. DOCUMENT eVERYTHING!!!! what state are you from? It matters only in figuring out whether your state is one party or two party in regards to taping phone calls. Keep all emails, letters ect. Start a journal to show a daily log of visitation, or denied visitation. Each time you are denied, I suggest calling the County sherriff to file a report,, they are easier to get to do this in most cases. Most city depts. dont want to take these type of reports.

3.Begin studying everything on this site in the resources section,, hell ALL of it. Once more, tell us the state, and for damn sure, someone will post a link to your relevant state law.

4. If he is spanking hard enough to leave the child/ren bruised, call CPS, take them to a local ER to clearly document abuse.


While most NCP are fathers, and hence the majority of the site oriented towards dads, we have NCP moms also, and all have become valuable members, recieved help, and given help. The role of the NCP is what we abhor, totally and completely, not the mom, nor the dad, the damn role of being a paycheck and sometimes getting to visit our children like some kind of stranger.
The only parents that should ever be in this role,, are the abusers.

[starr]

Thanks for your responses. I am from Tennessee. He did the spanking when they were younger they are teens now. He stopped at about 11yo. He has had them for about two years. They are well provided for. I just want to be able to have them come over at least. But I would prefer full time. I want him to stand in front of a judge and tell the judge that he lied. I want to show all of the school records showing my kids lived with me. He works for the city and has friends in high places and makes me feel like I can't touch him. I would still never keep them from him. He's their dad but I'm their mom. I think their should be a new law passed about this he should be arrested for stealing my world.
I know he feels untouchable but there has to be something I can do about him lying to the court.  

[StPaulieGirl]

I can see why you're scared.  I intended to reply to your original post, but this really caught my attention.

I know he feels untouchable but there has to be something I can do about him lying to the court.

[p]I wish there was, because I'd be on it myself!  I hate liars.  I'm a female CP.  My ex sounds like yours, except he filed first, and gave me full custody.  He then proceeded to trash my reputation to everyone at his workplace as an excuse for the divorce.  In court, his attorney told the judge that they would "take care" of the QDRO.  He's draining his pension.  He'll probably get away with it.  However that's just money, and you need to listen to Brent and Peanutsdad so you can at least see your kids.  Sociopaths, my ex and yours.

Besides the good legal advice you'll get here, if there is any way you can get some counseling to help you stay strong, take advantage of it.

Take care, and good luck!

[Brent]

>He has had them for about two years.

That's starting to approach the point where a judge will be reluctant to make changes. One thing you need to change custody or to make changes in the parenting plan is what's called a "Substantial Change In Circumstances". This article talks about that:

Defining ''Substantial Change In Circumstances''
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/circumstances.htm



>I just want to be able to have them come
>over at least. But I would prefer full time.

Therer is no reason why you shouldn't be able to see your children and spend significant time with them. Getting full custody would be a more difficult task. (And you'd probably be better off starting off by asking for more time, rather than going for full custody.)


>I want him to
>stand in front of a judge and tell the judge that he lied.

Based on the many, many ex's I've known, and based on what you've said about him, I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for this to happen. :)


>I want to show all of the school records showing my kids lived
>with me.

Documentation is important in court. If you haven't been documenting all along, start immediately. You may also want to consider retaining an attorney. Here are a few pages that will help get you going:

Tips On Keeping Documentation
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips1.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Also, get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is better.  


> He's their dad but I'm their mom.

I'm not sure what you mean. I'd much prefer to hear "He's their dad and I'm their mom."  



>I think their should be a new law passed about this he should be
>arrested for stealing my world.

Millions and millions of fathers feel the same way. If they put all the parents who did this in prison, they have to build about a thousand new jails. You may not want to hear this, but what your husband did to you is routinely done to fathers almost every day. It's a classic tactic we've heard a million times. The only difference in this case compared to all the other ones is that the genders are reversed.



>I know he feels untouchable but there has to be something I
>can do about him lying to the court.  

I wouldn't concentrate on this too much. It's usually very difficult to prove this kind of thing to the court, and in the end it often doesn't matter to the judge. You're better off building your case and not trying to prove something that won't materially affect its outcome.

[starr]

> He's their dad but I'm their mom.

When I wrote this the way I meant it was that he gets to be their dad but he won't let me be their mom.

[Peanutsdad]

Star,,

As others have said, if you are waiting for the ex to come clean and tell the truth in court, you will be waiting,, umm forever?

My own ex still clung to the lies, even when exposed in court for it. The JUDGE even asked her if she knew the penalties for perjury.

Since you ex has had the kids so long, you my friend have a hellova uphill fight. As Brent said, your best bet is going for more parenting time first.

Good luck,, keep coming back ;)

[Indigo Mom]

"No matter what my ex does to me through my children, I will ALWAYS be their mother".

He can destroy your life, but he doesn't have the "power" to make you stop being their mom.

Now I know that doesn't make you "feel" better....and for that I'm sorry.  What he did was bogus and typical of psycho nuts who believe the kids are "theirs" and no one elses.  The pig.

You can sit here blaming yourself for whatever happened or call yourself stupid til ya blue in the face.  It's not true.  So many people fall into someone elses own personal hell.  You're not alone, just about everyone on this site has been/is still where you are.  

When did this divorce take place?  I can't be sure, but I believe you have 6 months, or something like that, to appeal, contest, whatever its' called.  Go to the courts and find out "where" he had you served your papers.  Can you prove he knew where you were?  That prick!  What he did was way worse than what my monster did to me.  He had my butt tossed in jail for a false felony charge...you were divorced, lost custody and didn't even know it?  I'd like to smack that little bitch you married right across the face...many times!!!!

-----because he wanted to be able to control my life without having to be in it.-----

Controlling you through the kids.  Boy do I know this one.  I used to show monster just how pissed off I was...it didn't help.  Things didn't "ease up" til I stopped letting him see my emotions.  I learned how to put on a kick ass poker face.  When he realized he wasn't getting to me (even though he really was) he settled down with his crap.  Don't ever let your ex know how you're feeling....

-----He won't let me see my kids and I have to talk to them when he's not home. -----

Do you have any court ordered parenting time?  I would suspect not since the little bitch was so deceptive as to get a divorce without you knowing.  If you have none, petition the courts.  Your kids have a right to see you.

-----My daughter has found letters and birthday cards I've sent opened and under her dads car seat. -----

GOOD....that right there says "no matter what dad says, my mom still loves me".  Continue doing this.

-----I still have pictures in my head of him "spanking" my children so hard and so many times that they where bruised and could not sit down.-----

I know many people who whoop their kids while young, but stop at a certain age.  Do you suspect he's still doing this?  If so...call for a police welfare check.

-----My daughter has called me many times and begged me to meet her at the park to pick her up. I had to tell her no because mommy would go to jail.-----

Leave the "mommy go to jail" part out.  Meet your child.  Even if you have to have a "secret" relationship...it's better than nothing.  Your child is screaming for you...please...sneak over there.

-----They don't understand except for what he tells them. -----

Not true.  She found your letters and cards and STILL wants you to see her at the park.  

-----He took time out of his buisy day to call me just to tell me he was taking me to court for child support and that I'm not gonna get to see my kids any for Christmas and that he hopes I have a Merry Christmas. -----

Good for him.  Maybe at this hearing you can arrange a time to see the kids?

-----My heart is broken and empty and I know it will never be full again. I'm so tired of crying and I'm so mad that he still controls my life.-----

6 years I was the non custodial parent of my son.  monster is truly a monster.  When I was "allowed" to see my child, he was in such a "zombie" state.  He was full of "signs" of abuse.  No one gave TWO shits about what he was suffering.  Social services didn't care, the courts didn't care.  No one cared that this mother f***er was killing my child.  Guess what?  My lil dude is HOME now and has been for a year.  Monster is gone forever, never to return.  He's OUT of our lives...for the rest of our lives.  

Your heart will be full again.  Trust me on that.  People like your ex "think" they can do whatever they want, whenever they want...but one day, the kids will be adults, out from under the "control" that parent has on them...and then darling, you get your kids.

-----This pain is so much more than the death of a loved one, to know that they are there and you can't touch them and tell them how much you love them. -----

I used to watch the news every morning and night praying I wouldn't see a car accident with monsters car.  Praying I didn't see a story about an (enter age here) boy killed by abuse.  For the longest time I'd do this.  I remember feeling EXACTLY the same as you...like my son WAS dead.  It's horrible.  The worst pain you can imagine...the "not knowing" is what killed me.

-----I now have another child she is beautiful and I love her very much, but that empty hole is still in my heart and it will never heal.-----

Congratulations!  She will never fill that "hole" but she sure can help you go on.

-----I'm glad you took the time to read this and I hope I have changed your opinion on some non-custodial moms like me.-----

I'm glad you posted it and continue coming here.  I feel horrible for every NCP out there who's been wronged.

[starr]

      >Do you have any court ordered parenting time?
I've never even seen the divorce papers. Don't even know when it took place. The kids were living with me did'nt he have to show the court some type of proof that he had them?
Thank you so much for your answering my post. I've felt so alone in this. All the other moms that I've met without their kids did not have them by choice(wether because of drug use or not time for them). I'm so glad to hear that's not always the case. You don't hear about stuff like this on t.v I guess that's why everyone get's the wrong idea about NCM's.
Thanks to all once again for your replies. :7

[NoNicky]

Everyone else has given you excellent advice so I won't add any.  I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  There are several NCP mothers on this site.  Doesn't matter how or why we got to be NCPs, the fact is we are.  At times it is a tougher fight than being a NCP dad because of that assumption you must have "done something wrong" for you not to be the CP.

Feel free to e-mail if you ever just want to blow off steam.

NoNicky
For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  1 Peter 1:6