Messages

My daughter went for her visitation this weekend and was not returned to me.  THis is the first visitation since the initial hearing, which was continued per my request.


X called me at 4:00pm to inform that my 13 yr old didn't want to come home.  That she now fears for her safety!!  He threatened to call Child Protective Services if I called police.  I said go ahead I will not be scared into giving up my daughter,  I have nothing to hide.  My children are not abused in any way shape or form.

I called police, filed my report when X didn't show at the meeting place etc... Police of course can't enforce the temp parenting plan when an allegation of abuse is present.  

Called my attorney and left message.  Daughter is now with X, is refusing to talk to me on phone.  Police can't tell me what abuse allegations are.

I know that no abuse exists.  My X is brainwashing my daughter, has threatened to leave her, has coached her about what to say in court.  I have proof of this.


Daughter is 80 miles away from school.  X knows that the only chance, in you know what, that he has of gaining custody is to allege abuse.  He admitted this to my husband before the legal stuff ever started.  


I am completely floored.  Have always taken care of daughter, fostered relationship with X and his family and now look where that has gotten me.  I am scared for my daughter I know she didn't plan this as she didnt' take much with her and her prized possesions were left behind.  I can't imagine what he is saying and doing to manipulate her.  I should have listened when everyone was telling me what he was trying to do.  He would call her, 6-12 times per day and I didn't want to interfere.  She won't even speak to X's mom whom she is extremely close with.

What can I do besides file a contempt charge?  

Do I just sit back and hope that the truth prevails?

>>>>2.  How does the court determine the amount of back
>support
>>>>owed when there are essentially no records on either side?
>
>>>
>>>No back support, because you admit that father has paid,
>and
>>>you accepted the payment offered as adequate, rather than
>>>requesting guideline support via legal action.
>>
>>Yes, he has paid some of the time, but he missed as many as
>>half of his payments.  Are you saying that because I
>accepted
>>payment when he did pay that I'm not entitled to the missed
>>payments?
>
>You've stated that the parent was never judged by the court to
>be a legal parent, and that no court order for support has
>ever been made. So, the other parent cannot have "missed" a
>payment, because he doesn't legally owe you for any support (and the "support" he has thus far paid, isn't actually
>support -- it's just a "gift," because he doesn't owe it to
>you).
>
>Example: Do you owe your neighbor support to pay his/her house
>payment because you live next door and share a fence?


If this is the case then has he ever really paid any child support?  I don't want him to have to pay for the entire past 13 years, but shouldn't he be required to pay something?

>>Will my boys be subjected to interviews by the GAL,
>>Psychologists etc...?
>
>Probably. That's how a GAL finds out what the children's best
>interests are.

I'm confused,  my boys aren't my X's children,  they are mine and my current DH.  Is the GAL looking at their best interests in relation to my DH and myself, in relation to my daughter?
>
>
>

>>1.  In your opinion, what chance does X have of obtaining
>>custody given the facts above?
>
>I don't do odds. But I'd say that he will get visitation --
>nothing else.

When you say visitation only, does that mean it is likely that I would retain sole custody or just physical custody with both having legal custody?  



>>2.  How does the court determine the amount of back support
>>owed when there are essentially no records on either side?
>
>No back support, because you admit that father has paid, and
>you accepted the payment offered as adequate, rather than
>requesting guideline support via legal action.

Yes, he has paid some of the time, but he missed as many as half of his payments.  Are you saying that because I accepted payment when he did pay that I'm not entitled to the missed payments?



>>3.  Does the fact that we have no legal custody agreement
>hurt
>>me and render the typical "change in circumstances"
>>requirement not applicable?
>
>There is no change in circumstances.

I understand there is no change.  What I am wondering is, since we don't have a legal custody agreement already, does he still have to show a change in order to alter the current status quo?  Current status quo being my essentially having what would be legally termed as sole custody and him limited to visitation?



>>7.  Can I get access to his therapy records?  
>
>No.

Is a GAL able to access these records?


Will my boys be subjected to interviews by the GAL, Psychologists etc...?

State is WA

I have a 13 yr old daughter.  X left when she was one year.  We were not married.  I have raised daughter soley and X has had liberal visitation when he has chosen to exercise it.

We have no legal agreements filed.  He is not on birth certificate, nor has paternity ever been established.

He has paid CS about half the time.  The times he has paid it has been at a rate of less than half of what he would have been required by the state (I am basing this off of the CS schedule for WA).  He has always paid with cash, with the exception of last 8 months.

X now lives about 80 miles away.  He has a history of drugs and has been in treatment numerous times.  Has a few misdemeanor thefts, one as recently as last year.  He hasn't had a job in 6 years.  Supposedly due to a diagnosis of adult ADD.  He has SO that supports him.

I have no record, drug problems etc...I remarried about 10 yrs ago.  Marriage is extremely stable.  DH has stable job, provides all medical etc.. I run a small home based business so I can be at home for my kids.  We also have two sons 7 and 4 yrs.

Daughter is a 4.0 student.  Participates in a couple of sports, takes acting classes, plays in school band etc...Daughter has stated desire to live with X.  Says she is not unhappy here, just wants a chance to be with dad.

I handle all her business.  Dr appts., activities, school stuff etc... X has never even asked to help with anything has always just let me handle.

I have always encouraged the relationship between X and daughter as I believe it is in her best interest to know her dad.  Not that a I think he is the best influence.  His family is wonderful, I am close to them and daughter also spends time with them on regular basis.

X filed a parentage motion with a temporary parenting plan listing him with physical custody, me EOW, holiday etc...His reason stated is that my DH is verbally abusive to our children, which is a total lie!  When I asked X about the abuse, he says we yell at our children and that is domestic violence.  Mind you, yes we sometimes have to yell when remprimanding our children, but we do not call them names or belittle them etc....

1.  In your opinion, what chance does X have of obtaining custody given the facts above?

2.  How does the court determine the amount of back support owed when there are essentially no records on either side?

3.  Does the fact that we have no legal custody agreement hurt me and render the typical "change in circumstances" requirement not applicable?

4.  In your experience are courts willing to take the child out of a stable consistent environment into a lesser one just because the child wants to check out the other side?

5.  Will the fact that I've always allowed visitation, even thought X is not most stable individual, go against me?

6.  Will accusation of Domestic violence hurt us?  Is yelling really considered domestic violence?

7.  Can I get access to his therapy records?  

8.   If I ask for a pysch eval. will I need to take one as well?

Being passive about PAS is the one sure way to ensure your relationship with you child will be destroyed.  Get the book "Divorce Poison" It has great advice on how to handle yourself and your child's behavior.  Get your child into counseling with the plan that eventually you will join the child in some of the sessions.  Don't throw in the towel without trying everything you can.  

I am a CP who's X and his new honey alienated my DD from me.  This started about a year ago and we are just now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  I didn't have a clue about PAS when this started nor would I have ever believed it was possible to alienate my daughter from me, we have always been close.  My X was pretty much unavailable for first 12 yrs of DD life.  When he started showing her attention she ate it up and didn't want it to stop.  He fed her  bunch of lies about me and our past together.  I had no idea until she was ready to move out and live with him.  

Don't let the X win, your child will pay for your weaknesses.  I know it is not easy.  There were times when I didn't think I could look at my DD I was so hurt.  There is no love like the love you have for your child and by the same token there is no one who can hurt you like your child when you feel utterly betrayed by them.  Hang in there and GET THE BOOK, you will be glad you did.

Not an attornedy here either.  I had the reverse situation a couple of weeks ago.  NCP refused to return child to me after visit ended on a Sunday evening.  I have an attorney and we filed for an ex parte hearing and went to court the next day (Monday).  We filed for contempt at the same time and had a show cause hearing scheduled for a later date.  We only have a temporary order and were able to file the contempt/show cause anyway.    

I get that!  If he absolutely can't afford it, as his mom states, there are really only two other options.
1.  Get educated and rep yourself or
2.  Let it go and whine that you couldn't do anything and now your kid is being raised by a crazy person.

Number 2 should not be an option, but I don't know how many times I have heard a NCP whine about how they couldn't afford an attorney so they let situations like this go.  Then the kids are failed by both parents.  Definitely Pro Se is not the first option, but if an attorney can't be afforded it should be the next option.

I am from Washington.  The attorney can not refuse to withdrawal and at the same time refuse to move forward.  Your son can get the attorney removed by firing him and filing the proper motion with the court.  However, a new attorney may be reluctant to take on your son's case given he has not paid his other attorney.  Attorney's need to get paid to.  

Like the others have said, find a way to get the money or your son can represent himself.  More and more people are doing so everyday.  Do not let this recommendation from the evaluator get old or a new one will be ordered and it may or may not go the same way.  Waiting is just increasing the odds against a custodial change.  Status quo is huge in Washington.  

If your son is smart and has the extra time he may want to consider representing himself.  There are some great books on how to do this.  I am reading a few myself.  I do have an atty. but like to get all the info I can on the process.  The "Nolo" series of lawbooks are great.  One I am reading right now is called "Represent Yourself in Court" by Paul Bergman and Sara J Berman-Barrett.  It is not family law specific but gives a great foundation for how the courts operate and tells you where to find more specific info such as your local court rules etc...It also has sample forms etc...

Good luck to your son!

A GAL(guardian ad litem) investigates both parties, talks to both parents, the child and to references given by each party.  They will look into criminal history, investigate allegations made by both parties etc..Since your X is making false allegations, I think a GAL is exactly what you want.  They get to know you and the other party and spend time getting to the real dynamics of the situation.  If your child wants to live with you, the GAL will express this to the court.  It does not mean that the GAL will recommend what the child wants to the court.  The GAL is there to determine what is in the best interest of the child and will give their recommendation to the court based on the best interest factor.  

I have followed your postings and you have a very strong case.  You have status quo and that is HUGE!  Unless there is some significant change in your circumstances or the GAL finds you to be alienating your daughter from her mother, you will likely retain custody.  I understand you are worried and want reassurance that you will prevail here, but you also come across on this board as being a little needy and unsure of yourself.  Do not show this same behavior to the GAL.  You need to show the GAL that you 1. Have a stable and loving home for your child. 2.  That the child has done well in your care.  3. That you believe it is in your child's best interest that she have a loving close relationship with her mom and that you have and will do what you can to foster that relationship.  3.  Discuss any allegations made by your X as frankly as you can to the GAL and tell the truth about each.  4.  You can let the GAL know that the false allegations are disturbing, but that you are confident that the truth will prevail and you have nothing to hide.  5.  If you have made mistakes, admit them and explain how you learned and will not repeat the same mistakes.  6. Do not obsessively call or contact the GAL, this will make you look like a paranoid person and that you are trying a little to hard.  7. Check out the info here on Sparc there are some really informative articles on GAL's.

I am in a similar situation to yours, my daughter is 13 and after my raising her by myself her whole life, the X thinks it should be his turn.  I know the uncertainty and that you are scared.  This is hard.  We have a GAL in our case and I will tell you she is smart.  Most GAL's have seen it and heard it all and they are pretty smart about figuring out what is going on.  Hang in there!

I didn't mean to ridicule you.  I was only wanting to impart the sames as Mistoffolees suggested.