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I think for some 11-yr olds it wouldn't be a concern, but he has no rules at his mom's and with her living in a bad area this is a concern for us. He is very easily influenced by other kids, and I have no doubts that there would be kids at his door and/or he would be leaving to go walk around and play.

We have 50/50 custody of my SS so my DH already drives SS to and from school twice a day all school year long... which is why it shouldn't be too much to ask for his mom to drive him a few days a week for the summer.  My husband offered to drive one way and she still will not agree.  It's not that we think he can't be there a few hours, or even a day or two here and there, but he has behavior problems at school with staying focused, not listening, etc.  So if he's left in an environment to do what he wishes with no accountability while he's at her house we're concerned with what will happen...

i doubt CPS will do anything either, so i think we're just stuck with it and have to hope and pray that nothing happens to him.

My stepson's BM wants to have him stay home alone at her house this summer. He is 11 years old, and my husband and I feel strongly that he is not ready for this yet with his maturity level.  We think he's okay to stay maybe an hour or two by himself, but not 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.  And the frustrating part is that we live in the same town, and my husband works from home. So he is home and AVAILABLE for my SS to have supervison. BM just does not want to drive him to our house (8 miles, about 15 min).  And she refuses to pay anything for any type of summer programs.  She lives in a neighborhood that is not good - older kids that are not good influences live near him and are home alone this summer too.

My question is what can we do about it... if anything?  If we call CPS when he's home alone will they do anything or will they think 11 is old enough?  He's in 5th grade, and she does not have a home phone, but she does have a cell phone that he usually has with him there.

A friend of mine recently received papers in the mail setting a court date and requesting to appoint the mother of his 2 kids as a guardian ad leitem for the purpose of a name change for the children (she's remarried).  

Do you know why she would ask to be appointed as a GAL rather than just ask for the name change?  

I have only heard of a GAL being appointed for custody, abuse, etc to represent the children as an third party, so how can the mother also be the GAL?

Thanks for your help....

Hello Soc - just a quick and hopefully "easy" one for you tonight...

Do you know if every state has a "first right of refusal" law that says if the parents live in the same town the child should not go to a daycare if the other parent is available?

I have read my state's guidelines for visitation and don't see anything - the state is South Dakota.

The reason I ask is that BM's hours are changing and she will be working until 8:30pm. She would rather have a babysitter at her house than let my stepson come here with his us.  They haven't gotten too far into the debate yet (I'm sure there's more to come) but we wanted to know if there's law to stand behind the fact that it would be better for him to be with his father than a babysitter.

Also, could that be considered a substancial change of circumstances?  Granted, if push came to shove she'd probably quit/change jobs if meant losing custody, but we have a lot more - just not that substancial change.

Thanks for your help!

Thanks for the ideas... we'll see what we can do to save some underwear. Sounds like fun.  :)

The Dr told us that he's having accidents because he gets so constipated that it just "leaks" out.  So when he does go it's HUGE (sorry if you got a visual there), but that's also a sign he's very constipated. We've tried diet, sticker charts, etc etc but it has to be consistent and we can only control what he gets here. So that's why the Dr prescribed the stool softener to make it easier for him to get used to going every day.... I like the hero idea, we'll try it!

Another question I have for you is that he tells us that he sleeps with his mom in her bed every night. He is 7 and a half and we think he is way to old for this.  If we talk to BM she'll deny it.  He has his own room and bed at her house (or so he says) but he says that he likes to sleep in his mom's bed so he can watch TV. We just think that a young boy sleeping in bed with his mom can't be good for his development.  

Is this something you think we should be concerned about?

If so, once again, how do we prove it?  Could we have him talk to a professional (counselor or someone) and get their testimony that he said it and would that be enough?  

We have no mutual friends or anyone who would be able or speak to the situation that has witnessed anything.

Thanks again!!

My Stepson is 7 and a half years old (going into second grade) and he still has "accidents".  They are sporadic, sometimes a few in a week and sometimes he'll go a few weeks without any.  But the point is he has them more than any kid should at his age and my husband and I have been trying to help him.

We think the accidents are a result of the stress he feels put on him from his mom, and without going into too much history we had a custody eval done about a year ago in which the evaluator said that BM has a lot of anxiety issues and should seek counseling before if affects the child. She gave examples of how it could show in the child and one of them is stool hording.  BM has agreed in the past that this is a problem and she has said she took him the to Dr and that this is "normal".

So - we took SS to the doctor last spring and he gave us a stool softener to give to him daily (and he said it's not normal, of course).  We got his medical records which showed she never did take him to the Dr like she told us.   BM then freaked out when she found this out and changed her story, claimed he does not have accidents at her house and that we are making all this up.  She then refused to give the medicine that the Dr ordered because she said he didn't have a problem and didn't need it.  

At this point we got another follow up note from the Dr and had our attorney write her a letter stating she should give him the medicine.  She has not complied with the orders, and she has actually told SS not to take the medicine because it will make him sick.  So he has been stressing about the whole thing and we decided just to lay off everything for awhile and see how it went (we also stopped giving him the medicine at our house).

He still continues to have accidents.  How do we proceed?  We have documented each occasion it occurs, but we have no "proof".  We have talked to his teachers and after school teachers and no one has noticed his accidents.  We're sure this is because he has become very good at "hiding" it by trying to clean up his pants himself, etc.  

There are many other issues with BM relating to the care of my stepson, and she is very dishonest and will lie to cover herself if she thinks it will somehow reflect poorly on her.  

Where do you suggest we go from here?

How do you suggest we document the accidents to prove it so it's not just her word against ours?

Thanks for your help with this "messy" situation.  :)

Hello Soc -

BM has stated she will be filing for more support. My husband works on base + commission.  The state is South Dakota.

1.  Is commission figured at a different rate when it comes to the calculations? Because those checks are taxed at a much higher rate would that make a difference?

2.  Does the child support referee take into account the extra money that we spend on SS beyond child support? We buy him school supplies, give him lunch money, and buy him clothing, etc, etc.  BM does not send any clothing to our house.  

3.  If so, what do you suggest we need to produce to prove this? We have kept logs (date/amount/what for) but I'm not sure if we have receipts for everything.

Thanks for your help!

We've been in this situation... my stepson's mom has been evicted from her last 4 homes. But since the mother always had a place to live (with friends or another place) it didn't get us anywhere in court. Even though we tried to show the instability was not good for the child, since he wasn't showing any SIGNS of being affected then it didn't matter. I'm not trying to shoot your hopes down but I wanted to share...  if you filed for custody I'm sure she would find a different place to live and then you're back at square one.  Good luck to you though. :)

I also want to add (from a similar experience) that if you go to court you are risking LOSING the time that you already have.  I know the things you listed are frustrating to you but everything would have to be proven in court, and if I were you I would just continue to document and value the time you have with your child, and when you have more concrete evidence consider going for custody.  

Remember every time you go to court - even if you are the one asking for more and you have proof that the time with you is value-added for the child - if the judge doesn't believe in 50/50 or has a personal bias then you could lose time that you have now.  

Not trying to be a downer, just been there, done that, and if I can save anyone else the time and money and heartache I thought I would offer. I hope everything works out for you.

Thanks I'll have to check out the site.  

In the meantime here are a few of the cases he has referred to:

Jasper v. Jasper, 351 N.W. 2d 114 (SD 1984)
Wright v. Stahl, 39 N.W. 2d 875 (SD 1949)

If you know of any other cases even in other states that we could reference to help us - any help would be great!

Thanks...