Probably a crazy question

[Luving StepMom]

My Stepson is 7 and a half years old (going into second grade) and he still has "accidents".  They are sporadic, sometimes a few in a week and sometimes he'll go a few weeks without any.  But the point is he has them more than any kid should at his age and my husband and I have been trying to help him.

We think the accidents are a result of the stress he feels put on him from his mom, and without going into too much history we had a custody eval done about a year ago in which the evaluator said that BM has a lot of anxiety issues and should seek counseling before if affects the child. She gave examples of how it could show in the child and one of them is stool hording.  BM has agreed in the past that this is a problem and she has said she took him the to Dr and that this is "normal".

So - we took SS to the doctor last spring and he gave us a stool softener to give to him daily (and he said it's not normal, of course).  We got his medical records which showed she never did take him to the Dr like she told us.   BM then freaked out when she found this out and changed her story, claimed he does not have accidents at her house and that we are making all this up.  She then refused to give the medicine that the Dr ordered because she said he didn't have a problem and didn't need it.  

At this point we got another follow up note from the Dr and had our attorney write her a letter stating she should give him the medicine.  She has not complied with the orders, and she has actually told SS not to take the medicine because it will make him sick.  So he has been stressing about the whole thing and we decided just to lay off everything for awhile and see how it went (we also stopped giving him the medicine at our house).

He still continues to have accidents.  How do we proceed?  We have documented each occasion it occurs, but we have no "proof".  We have talked to his teachers and after school teachers and no one has noticed his accidents.  We're sure this is because he has become very good at "hiding" it by trying to clean up his pants himself, etc.  

There are many other issues with BM relating to the care of my stepson, and she is very dishonest and will lie to cover herself if she thinks it will somehow reflect poorly on her.  

Where do you suggest we go from here?

How do you suggest we document the accidents to prove it so it's not just her word against ours?

Thanks for your help with this "messy" situation.  :)

[socrateaser]

>He still continues to have accidents.  How do we proceed?  We
>have documented each occasion it occurs, but we have no
>"proof".  We have talked to his teachers and after school
>teachers and no one has noticed his accidents.  We're sure
>this is because he has become very good at "hiding" it by
>trying to clean up his pants himself, etc.  

If the child's stool is hard, that would indicate that he would be far less likely to have accidents, so I don't see how a stool softener helps the situation. Usually, hard stool is the product of a diet very low in fiber, and/or an indication of a lack of exercise.

If the child's stool is soft, that would indicate considerable anxiety.

I am discounting the possiblity that the child may actually have a physical problem/illness, etc., just for the sake of argument, but, what you are describing doesn't make quite the kind of sense that it should.

>Where do you suggest we go from here?

Psychiatrist. Not Psychologist. Child needs a complete physical evaluation to exclude any physical condition, prior to making any kind of mental health analysis.

>How do you suggest we document the accidents to prove it so
>it's not just her word against ours?

Take the underwear and bag it, instead of washing it. This could also be as much your doing as the other parent's. If this is all stress related, then the kid is likely stressed out from the entire situation, not just from one or the other. But, a seven year old knows when he has to go, so I'm wondering why he's too embarrased to just get up and go?

Does he have a hero? Tell him that even Barry Bonds and President Bush, etc., have to stop whatever they're doing to take a crap, so there's no need to be embarrased about just getting up and going.

And if his teacher, and/or friends think it's funny, tell him he has permission to flip em' the bird.

Point is, you need to find a way to lighten the "load," as it were, in the kid's mind, that there's no reason to let the situation bother him anymore.

PS. I'm just talking out my "ass" here. I am not an expert on such moving experiences, so you really should consult with a mental health expert.

>Thanks for your help with this "messy" situation.  :)

No problem. Does it smell funny in here or is it just me?

[Luving StepMom]

Thanks for the ideas... we'll see what we can do to save some underwear. Sounds like fun.  :)

The Dr told us that he's having accidents because he gets so constipated that it just "leaks" out.  So when he does go it's HUGE (sorry if you got a visual there), but that's also a sign he's very constipated. We've tried diet, sticker charts, etc etc but it has to be consistent and we can only control what he gets here. So that's why the Dr prescribed the stool softener to make it easier for him to get used to going every day.... I like the hero idea, we'll try it!

Another question I have for you is that he tells us that he sleeps with his mom in her bed every night. He is 7 and a half and we think he is way to old for this.  If we talk to BM she'll deny it.  He has his own room and bed at her house (or so he says) but he says that he likes to sleep in his mom's bed so he can watch TV. We just think that a young boy sleeping in bed with his mom can't be good for his development.  

Is this something you think we should be concerned about?

If so, once again, how do we prove it?  Could we have him talk to a professional (counselor or someone) and get their testimony that he said it and would that be enough?  

We have no mutual friends or anyone who would be able or speak to the situation that has witnessed anything.

Thanks again!!

[socrateaser]

>Is this something you think we should be concerned about?

I need to "back" away from this particular situation. It's simply way out of scope for me, and I'm gonna give you bad advice. You need to discuss this kid's problems with a professional. I suggest a psychiatrist, because he/she will also be a medical doctor as well as a therapist.

If you have legal questions, I'll try to help, but you're putting the cart before the horse. You need to find out what's really causing the child's illness before you can consider any legal strategy.