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Messages - MixedBag

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While I'd love to recommend someone.....we're not able to do that because I would have no clue.

We're just a group of common folks who have BTDT over the years -- collectively speaking -- that want to share our experiences and advice to help the next parent down the road.

Lying from the other side is normal -- my EX-husband did a bunch of that too

There are articles here on the site to help you get started.


Custody Issues / Re: Meaning?
« on: Jan 29, 2018, 06:25:36 AM »
I guess I was just trying to answer your question of "What does this mean?"

Custody Issues / Re: Meaning?
« on: Jan 27, 2018, 09:20:24 AM »
Sent back to the lower court for "reconsideration and review" and IMHO -- you're not done.

But yes, for now, you do have the upper hand because it was decided once before which is reflected in the signed order.

Why does her attorney feel the way she does?  Got any clues about that?  Or is she simply being a pain in the butt too.

Custody Issues / Re: Custody
« on: Dec 20, 2017, 06:26:03 AM »
Great news!

Father's Issues / Re: Facing Home Invasion Charges Need Advice
« on: Nov 08, 2017, 08:55:44 AM »
Hate to say it, but I think you really screwed this up.

Custody Issues / Re: Is this usual in high conflict situations?
« on: Jul 24, 2017, 05:35:21 AM »
Not really, my state child support goes to 21 but visitation stops at 18 to be court ordered. Sounds like this ex just can't give up control. You can try to say until child is 18 things should be the same but if child is going away to college it prob will have to change. At this point, it is time to start going through child. Make plans with child and start to ignore ex and say since child graduated high school , I will be dealing with child. Are you close to child? Go see child at college, take child out to dinner, make weekend plans or ask for child to stay over if not going away....time to start breaking free from ex.

All of THIS if you can make that happen.

How far is away???  I too would work directly with the child and encourage the young adult now to keep sharing holidays with both Mom and Dad as she did growing up.....and down the road....maybe the split can become 1/3, 1/3, 1/3.....empower her to know that YES, she's a grown up, but you would still like to see her and it's OK that it's not as often as it used to be because she's not starting her adult life. 


Good luck!  My EX too tried to do that....and at the end, I won them over and they wondered WTH because they didn't like the new "wife" he basically traded me in for.  I kept saying OH well, there's nothing I can do or want to do, I'm moving on and I'm ok.  I too traded for a new husband, and the difference was that folks liked him....(but over time he changed....and so he got fired by me as well). 

Maybe that's something that needs to be worked on.  If the kids go to a public event, both parents should be there and feel comfortable being there.  My MD's husband has an EX....and its really wonderful how they all get along and I even get along with her.  Now that doesn't mean I don't like some of her quirks which is why there was a divorce, but the daughter is put first.....

I wish EX#2 of mine would figure that out.  EX#1 has....and we tolerate each other's presence and can have short conversations and important conversations, but it took him YEARS not to be an outright butthole to me in their presence.  The kids got it more than you know as to where the fault was,

And that was my point in sharing this....the kids do get it many times.

I was going to suggest that you stay for the party -- instead of dropping them off with their mom.....it's your time with the boys, so ok, they wanna go, so you take them.

So....about 3 hours before the party -- you ask "Guys do you wanna go or do you wanna ABC?"  And hopefully they will say ABC....and then you don't show. 

Tell her you'll be bringing them if they wanna go and what's the address?  Then later the answer becomes "They didn't wanna go, sorry"....

OR she backs off because you're gonna bring them.

That is a very good game and I'm glad you recognize it.  It's also one of those things mentioned in Divorce Poison...  if it weren't for that book, I think I would have gone INSANE with all the stupid games my EX played like that too.

Can you truly not make it happen?  It's hard to say "do this" or "do that" -- not knowing the logistical details --

When I had situations like that -- geography was how I made my decisions.

Many times once our son was here, he would forget about what he was missing at Dad's who had primary residential custody.  Out of signt out of mind kicked in easily.

Sometimes a vague answer to the EX is a way to calm them down -- "Thanks for letting me know about the party and we shall see if we can fit that into the weekend for our son." -- that's not confirming, that's checking to see if you can fit it in.   Since it's your child's weekend with you immediately, you can't switch to make sure you get makeup time....since Mom likes to play games....  And you can't fault the child totally for wanting to go at that age and wanting to be included in activities with his peers -- particularly if it's a good activity.  Yes, you can fault MOM for telling him, but chances are he's gonna find out anyways later in school or something.

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