Is this usual in high conflict situations?

[OneMan]

Hey. Long time no post. I came to this topic not knowing which forum's best. It has the most recent posts.


I'm interested to know whether my current problem normally comes up in perenially high conflict parent situations (which mine is) and if there's any literature that looks at this particular circumstance.


Our first kid's going off to college and the ex is acting insane (that's a mild term) over splitting the remaining vacation time, claiming I have no vacation time, which we both do by law. Meanwhile, the ex claims she has vacation time. No reason is given for this odd interpretation. Nothing is different than it's ever been. But lots of threats, demands, dismissing long settled agreements. I could go on.


Maybe it's just my situation but I'd like to know whether this time in a daughter or son's life make these high conflict situations even worse. Honestly, I have been surprised.


Thanks!

[ocean]

Little confused, you are talking about visitation for a college age "child"? If so, visitation stops at 18 in most states so now you need to work it out with the "child". Courts will no longer do anything for a child over 18 even in states where child support is to 21.

[OneMan]

Seventeen...not really a "child."  I'm trying to find out whether this time in the kid's life normally sets off high conflict fireworks, the going off to college. Or whether this is simply the person I'm dealing with. I prefer to avoid court when possible.

[itsalluphillfromhere]

Everything remains status quo until you stop paying child support

[ocean]

Not really, my state child support goes to 21 but visitation stops at 18 to be court ordered. Sounds like this ex just can't give up control. You can try to say until child is 18 things should be the same but if child is going away to college it prob will have to change. At this point, it is time to start going through child. Make plans with child and start to ignore ex and say since child graduated high school , I will be dealing with child. Are you close to child? Go see child at college, take child out to dinner, make weekend plans or ask for child to stay over if not going away....time to start breaking free from ex.

[MixedBag]

Not really, my state child support goes to 21 but visitation stops at 18 to be court ordered. Sounds like this ex just can't give up control. You can try to say until child is 18 things should be the same but if child is going away to college it prob will have to change. At this point, it is time to start going through child. Make plans with child and start to ignore ex and say since child graduated high school , I will be dealing with child. Are you close to child? Go see child at college, take child out to dinner, make weekend plans or ask for child to stay over if not going away....time to start breaking free from ex.

All of THIS if you can make that happen.

How far is away???  I too would work directly with the child and encourage the young adult now to keep sharing holidays with both Mom and Dad as she did growing up.....and down the road....maybe the split can become 1/3, 1/3, 1/3.....empower her to know that YES, she's a grown up, but you would still like to see her and it's OK that it's not as often as it used to be because she's not starting her adult life. 

[tigger]

My guess is your ex is having an overly emotional response to her "baby" growing up and moving away to college.  She may be dealing with regrets if she's been too busy getting between you and the child(ren) and not enough time teaching her how to be independent and self-sufficient.  She may realize that as the child turns 18, she'll have less control and you'll have more freedom. 

You said the older one is 17 (soon to be 18, I guess?).  How old is the younger child?  If close in age, this may be a short season of irrationality.  If not, I would expect her to double down on any attempts to get the younger to be "all hers" and none of yours.

[OneMan]

My guess is your ex is having an overly emotional response to her "baby" growing up and moving away to college.  She may be dealing with regrets if she's been too busy getting between you and the child(ren) and not enough time teaching her how to be independent and self-sufficient.  She may realize that as the child turns 18, she'll have less control and you'll have more freedom. 

You said the older one is 17 (soon to be 18, I guess?).  How old is the younger child?  If close in age, this may be a short season of irrationality.  If not, I would expect her to double down on any attempts to get the younger to be "all hers" and none of yours.

Very close in age so I anticipate more.


Your explanations are accurate. I don't know what Mom's inner problems are but it has been an especially insane time...threats, changing her mind every 10 minutes, yelling--bad bad stuff. The time came to draw the line. It became unbearable.