Messages

Misty,

Sorry for all the trauma you've endured at such a young age.

What your kids are showing is a symptom of the chaos and conflict that has been in their lives since they were born.  I'm sure you can appreciate that.

Unfortunately, the best advice I can give you is to say the Serenity Prayer on a daily basis and hope that you do find the strength that it seeks.

At the moment, your kids may be beyond help in any capacity that you can provide.

Perhaps the best thing that you can do is to stabilize your own life right now.  If your fiance is a good man, and if his children are good children; then that sounds like a good thing.

Once you're settled into your marriage, perhaps then you'll have greater resources to examine options for how to best help your own children.

In the meantime, you have an obligation to protect your home.  If your home is with your future husband and his kids, then you need to set your foot down as to what behavior is acceptable in your home... and as much as it will hurt you, you may wish to prohibit anyone from entering your home who can't follow those rules.

Immediately, I'd recommend you read the book called Breakthrough Parenting, by Dr. Jayne Major.  It gives excellent insight into how to best approach parenting situations, including difficult kids.  You can order it from Amazon, and there's a link to it on my website.

Best of luck to you.

Well, that's an attorney you probably don't want representing you if he's unhappy with the arrangement.

Why is he unhappy?

Barely covering the hosting.  So, good enough for now.

Building something else for it (long term).  :)

.

If you have joint legal custody, and if there are no orders prohibiting him from scheduling mental health appointments, then he has the right to schedule it.

If you have sole legal custody, inform him that he is not to schedule any healthcare or mental health appointments on behalf of son.

If your court orders state that both parents shall be allowed to attend appts, then you have the right.

But you should think very carefully about it.

Your ex is going to pick a psychologist who he wants to influence.  By the time the appointment rolls around, the psychologist may already be biased against you.

If you show up, you may find yourself in a very bad situation, where it's going to be very uncomfortable for everyone, and where you have no idea what the psychologist will later testify about you (e.g., "Son got visibly upset upon mother's arrival"... even if it was more about the stressful situation than you).

I've been through this experience before.  I first advised my ex that I thought she and I should agree on a mental health professional for our daughter, prior to daughter ever seeing one.  She ignored me and picked on that she went to a few times on her own.

I elected not to attend the sessions.  If I had no contact with the therapist, the therapist would not be able to report any conclusions about my mental health.

After the sessions with daughter, I wrote to the therapist and requested a copy of the records regarding my daughter-- as my state and court orders both allow.

Therapist wrote back, saying that I can meet with her to discuss it.  No way.  I again asked for the records (which she had to provide by law), but she ignored me.

My ex took daughter to the therapist about once a month.

Six months later, our custody evaluator interviewed this therapist.  The therapist reported her concerns about my "serious mental health issues" and that daughter should have very restricted contact with me, given that 3-year-old daughter was suffering from a stress disorder as a result of contact with me.

The custody evaluator noted in his report that the therapist said that daughter never met alone, that mom was always present, so what daughter told therapist was of questionable validity.  Evaluator discredited therapist's perspective about me, given that she had never met me.

This nutjob therapist was tainted from the beginning.  If I had met with her, she would have been able to form a defendable professional opinion about me, which would not have been good for me.

IF I were to meet with such a person now, I'd want to record it, to ensure nothing is misrepresented.

So, IF you still want to meet with that person, bring an audio recorder.  Just explain that it's to ensure everything is remembered as it's said.

If anyone objects (the therapist, your ex), then apologize and leave.

Hi,

If you enroll her in an NAEYC accredited preschool program (comparable cost to daycare), you'll be assured that the preschool is staffed by people educated in child development, has a structured curriculum (i.e., not just glorified babysitting), and shares the same goals with you as building socialization and developmental proficiency for her age.

You can look up facilities that passed the rigorous NAEYC accreditation process at //www.NAEYC.org.

I agree with the others that 9 to 3 is a very long day for a 4 year old.

Perhaps you may want to consider a half-day, five days a week... it'll expose her to what you think is best for her, and it'll give her daily consistency.

I disagree with the mother's perspective that only going a couple days a week is beneficial.  You want your child to have a daily, predictable routine and to build friendships through daily contact.  Randomly coming and going to a program won't give her that.

Hi,

My daughter is now 5, and we've always had the expectation in place that Kitty also mentioned... everyone has to try everything on the plate.  Same with vegetables-- she has to try it (as tiny a bite as she can muster, usually).  

But by now, too, we have our handful of different vegetables that are pretty consistent and enjoyable (or at least tolerable) to the whole family.

Further, rather than set the stage for any fighting, we've always set the rule that dessert is for people who eat their vegetables and main course.

So, it's completely in her hands as to whether or not she'll eat well at dinner.

As we have awesome desserts, she rarely decides to skip dessert (i.e., always an option if she doesn't want her veggies or main course).   That happens maybe once a month.  She'll ask, "What's for dessert?" and it's funny to see her mulling over the decision in her head... if dessert that night is worth the price.

No fights or anything--it gives her complete control, and the lure of dessert has been enough to keep it all on track so far.

Also, on the occasion that we have something new that she really doesn't like, we can talk about it.  E.g., a new main course.  I put it back on her, "How many bites of that do you think would be good for your body to have?"

She knows that she can't get away with "One", so she'll say something like, "Eight?"

Again-- giving her the control.  So I respond, "I think eight bites is reasonable to get enough good food in your tummy."

She counts her eight bites (no fighting, since she set the number herself), probably feels good that she didn't have to eat the WHOLE thing, then gets dessert.

But overall, she's a good, happy eater with most wholesome things-- I know she really doesn't like something if she's not eating it.  So, this approach may not work with really finicky tykes, I imagine.

I agree that you shouldn't worry too much about money at this point.

A few questions...

Which parent has mostly taken care of the kids for the past year?

Do you have any family member in town who would let you and the kids move in?

How big is your town?

Is your husband a violent man, or just a control freak?

I have a list of recommended books on my website.

A few of them may fit what you're looking for, but because I don't know all the details of your situation, it'd probably be best for you to look over the list and read the brief descriptions I provided of each.

I agree with MySonsDad.  Dean Tong (at abuse-excuse.com) would be a good resource.  His book, Elusive Innocence, would be a very important one for your sister to have.

Further, this child should be meeting with a child psychologist ASAP.  Granted, you're providing third party testimony, but if it's true, a psychologist may in fact report against the father.

Sitting back won't help your sister, if what you've outlined about the father is true.

She needs a proactive strategy to not only counter what recently occurred but to get set up for future incidents.

In her scenario, she's not just dealing with a false accuser.  According to you, she's dealing with a father willing to abuse his child to create potential grounds for an accusation about someone else.

If that's the case, the father should be on supervised visitation only.

Again, if what you say is true, your sister should be striving to get such court orders ASAP.  An expert's testimony (e.g., a child psychologist) would help achieve that.