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Thanks for the input! Yes, I do believe the custodial mother has some sort of mental disturbance because there is no other explanation for her actions and behavior, especially over so many years. No normal rationale grownup woman would act this way.  She seriously needs some help before the son is totally messed up for life. My husband is a quiet, mild mannered person, and tries to avoid confrontation at all costs. He has done nothing mean or vindictive to this woman at all. We believe she is just upset because she has no control over my husband anymore. She moved out of state one month after she found out he was in a relationship with me. Mind you she has never met me. I'm just the "other woman" with a big red target on my forehead. I believe the woman has major insecurity and control issues. Our 1st hearing is 2/14.....and she is already trying to get the date changed to a later date. I'll keep ya posted.

Sorry if this is long.....I'm the stepmom, doing all the Pro Se paperwork and research for my husband to try and get custody of his 8 yr old son. CP and NCP split up before the child was ever born. Everyone lived in MN. When child was 1 yr old, CP filed for CS order....and NCP only got "reasonable visitation". Every since then, my husband was only allowed to see his son at the mother's discretion. Mother would up and disappear for long periods of time and not provide address or phone number so sometimes a whole year went by when he did not get to see his son. Husband didn't not make much money nor did he know where to begin to fix the problem. I met my husband in 2002. One month after the CP found out her son spent a weekend at my house with his dad, she upped and moved to Ohio (where she was from orginally) without NCP consent or court order. Mother refused to give him her address. We couldn't even send presents, she just said "don't worry about Xmas presents, just make sure you keep paying the CS."

We wanted the son to be in our wedding in summer of 2004, but CP refused. She did however agree to drive him down after the wedding and we could have him for a few weeks, and we'd drive him back to Ohio. She drove to St Paul, and demanded my husband come and pick up her and son and bring them both to our home, and then to drive her back to St Paul. My husband refused, saying he will come pickup kid, but not her. She said she was taking her kid back home and hung up. It's a 12 hour drive one way. He called back to try and talk with her but no answer.

Thats when I finally stepped in and said we have to file something legal. We cannot afford lawyer to represent us, so I did my own research online and we filed a motion for parenting time assistance. CP was LIVID, mad as hell that she had to come all the way to MN for this. Mediation didn't work, she lied to the mediator, and would not compromise on an agreement at all. So I cancelled mediation. Then the judge had us talk to an investigator. I thought the investigator was on my side, but he wasn't. CP mother lied through her teeth. She had nothing on me. He recommended WAY less time than what I wanted. Everyone told me that most judges award what the investigator recommends. We ended up submitting affidavits in lieu of an evidentiary hearing. CP didn't get her affidavit in on time (she was just waiting to see a copy of mine so she could trash it)...and the referee's order came out, saying she did not consider the CP's affidavit as it was late, and the order further stated that the CP moved without court order or permission, and that what the NCP asked for is not unreasonable and no evidence that it is not in the child's best interest. So we got MORE time than we even requested, 3 times more than what the investigator recommended and the CP is responsible for paying 1/2 the airfare. That order was dated April 05.

We got the child for 4 weeks in June 05....we had to pay for the entire plane ticket, but then her 1/2 ended up coming of husband's arrears (he had a crappy job for about 1.5 yrs a few years back, and wasn't able to pay the full amount every month). We did not get the child for the fall time break as we could not afford the entire ticket again and mother refused to pay her 1/2. Then we bought the whole ticket for our Xmas time (Dec 05), and sent mother the dates/time of flights 3 months in advance...and one month before Xmas, the mother says we have to pay and change the ticket flight times because she started a new job and has to work and no one will pick up the kid from the airport for her. She wanted him to fly on a connecting flight that would involve getting him up at 3AM. We said NO. Court order specifically states NCP is to make all travel arrangements and give CP 30 day notice. Period. We were able to get the outbound flight within the time she wanted because it was a direct flight, but the only direct flight going back wasn't a time that would work for HER. She did not put the kid on the plane. She told the child that his dad bought the wrong ticket and thats why he couldn't come. The kid was devastated.

She still interferes with phone contact. Court order states she was to immediately provide grandfather's # since kid lives there more than his own house cuz of the mother's overnight shift and sleeping during the day. She won't provide the number. Every phone call is monitored by the mother. SHe tells the child he cannot speak to me or his step-siblings, in fact the kid told us his mother told him that he has no other brothers or sisters and no other grandparents, etc. My entire family has totally accepted this kid, and she is confusing him to no end.

Also, the child was moved away in 2002 when he was 4. Since our nwe court order last year, we found out the kid is a year behind in school, in special ed, diagnozed with ADHD, sees a therapist, and has major emotional and behavior issues. The mother was reported for child abuse by a school district in 2003 but she claims it was unfounded. We can't get any info on it. And since we were able to find out the kid's school, doctor records etc from the court hearing, mother has now changed the kid's school, doctor, residence again....to keep dad from knowing anything. When he asks his son what school does he go, he just says he doesn't know. When he asks if he wants to speak to his other brothers and sister he says "I can't." When we had him this summer, he told us that his mother and Grandfather both whip him with a belt frequently, for every infraction. In the therapist records it states mother purposely did not give the child his ADHD meds to try and make it last longer. A lot what the therapist had in her records as comments from CP were outright lies.

Anyhow, we filed a motion for a change of custody...citing the parenting time interference, and the child's well-being, not a stable home, constant moving of home and school and doctor's, his education being way behind and the fact that all the public schools in Dayton Ohio are rated at Academic Emergency and they live in the very high crime area. I think we have a very good case, but we have never actually file any contempts, and am a bit worried that the referee will want to just slap her hands a few times before changing custody. In the meantime, the child is suffering over there and being brain washed. We don't want to try and push the child for information too much, because he was told not to tell anything, and if he disobeys he will get the belt.

We did send an email to the CHildren's Services in Dayton asking them to check on Neglect....because the child is not enrolled in any Dayton Public school (we checked)...and no one seems to know where he goes to school. He was disenrolled in Oct 05....so there is a truancy issue now. Hopefully they will investigate the mother and then we will find out what school he goes to. We have sent her an Interrogatory Request also, to no avail, but it is more ammo for the hearing.

Our Motion hearing is 2/14. Not even sure if the CP will show up. Better for us if she doesn't. We are not sending her the copy of the motion and affidavit until next week since we legally do not have to. And what if she actually goes and gets a lawyer? We can't afford one. We do have a lawyer that we get advice from, thats all we can afford. She actually knows Referee Leppanen, as they used to be co-workers at the same firm. She thinks, that if the CP doesn't show up for that initial hearing, considering all the problems before, that she will just award custody to us. Especially since she gave us way more parenting time than the investigator recommended.

Anyone got any advice or comments?? Please and thanks.

Was the child born in MN? What county do they live in now? If you are paying child support, then I am assuming you do have a court order. I am betting it just says you have reasonable visitation right? If the child has lived in MN any length of time, then jurisdiction is going to be in MN (I live in MN). You would have to file a motion for Parenting Time Assistance in MN. You can file Pro Se. Then you will get a date for a motion hearing (lasts about 30 minutes). Both you and the custodial parent have to show up. The judge will then usually order mediation, if mediation isn't successful, then the judge usually orders an investigation, which the investigator will submit his recommendation to the judge and then you have your evidentiary hearing (but if both parties agree, you can ask the judge to submit affidavits in lieu of the evidentiary hearing since you live out of state). You submit your affidavit and wait for the order in the mail. If you have been established the father, you are entitled to parenting time. What your exact schedule will be is for the judge to decide (unless both parties can come to an agreement). If you are filing pro se, you can fill out a form to waive all filing fees. Which will also waive your fee for the mediation. All MN counties have websites, where you can download the forms you need to file. You will need the Motion for Parenting Time Assistance, Affidavit in Support of Parenting Time Motion, and then the waiver of fees form. You won't be able to just mail in these forms to court, you have to appear, or have someone go to court house and submit them for you. They also have to be notorized.

You need to be very specific in your affidavit also, list exactly what dates you want, what you want reagrding transportation costs (usually each party has to pay 1/2 of airfare, or one drives to drop off and the other drives to pick up) List how often you see the child now, and every interference the custodial parent has caused when you wanted to see your child.

As far as your question.....unless you have an actual schedule for parenting time in a court order, the custodial parent can pretty much do what she wants in regards to you seeing your child.

Hurry up and file!

I was in a court room with a Referee (in MN), my husband and the mother of his child. This was the first hearing to set up a specific parenting time schedule. I sat in the back of the room and nobody asked me anything.

I was in the court room again recently, with the same referee and my husband and the mother of his child....and the referee asked who I was and my husband stated that I was his wife.

Referee than asked the mother if she had any problems with me being in there, and she said "not really, but I prefer she not be in here." so the Referee asked me to leave saying "this is a closed hearing since it is a paternity hearing, and I will have to ask you to leave."

Paternity was established 8 years ago. This was a hearing for custody reversal based on continued interference with parenting time. I did get up and leave though.

I have never created any disturbances in court, never even exchanged words with the mother before. I was just there to support my husband as I did all his pro se paperwork.

1. Was the Referee correct in asking me to leave?

Light clicked on (lol). Ok, I gotcha, I will include those words in my motion to clarify, and 'when' she doesn't pay again, I will file the contempt motion.  But maybe, just maybe, after having to face our Referee again re: the Motion to Clarify, maybe the referee will tell mom that she will be in contempt if she doesn't pay again.....

Thanks for all your help!

Custodial parent always has an excuse for not following the rules, she has never taken responsibility for her actions, nor had any consequences thus far.

If I include the phrase "except in the extraordinary circumstance that Plaintiff's tender of payment would deprive the parties' minor child of basic necessities of life", the mom will see the key word "except"....not pay her share, and then I would have to file a motion again. She has already stated that all her bills are necessities of life, of which she listed a gym membership, cable tv, $70 on hair appts every month, cell phone bill, etc.

Reasonable people know those are not necessities of life, but she is not a reasonable person and you can bet she will use that as her excuse to not pay.

I'd like to be able to quit going to court at some point, but I also want her to pay her 1/2 of airfare so the child doesn't miss any of his time with me.

I like all the rest of your wording though, and will use that. Your the best!

Question:

1. What would be the intent or purpose of including the words "except in the extraordinary circumstance that Plaintiff's tender of payment would deprive the parties' minor child of the basic necessities of life"?

2. If the Referee grants this clarification motion, what do I file if the mom doesn't pay again?

"Both parties shall be responsible for 1/2 of all transportation costs. The Defendant is responsible for making all travel arrangements and giving Plaintiff a 30 day advance notice of travel dates. Plaintiff shall pay her 1/2 within 15 days of notice. If she does not, the Plaintiff's consequences will be ________(contempt?) and the Defendant's arrearages will be reduced accordingly. "


Questions:

1. Is it appropriate to suggest wording in my Motion to Clarify for the Referee to use in her new order?

2. Regarding the above suggestion I wrote, do you have any comments to make it look better?

3. What are some reasonable consequences that be listed in the above suggestion?

Ok, I will ask for a transcript (I know, it can be costly). And think about filing a Motion to Clarify.

Thanks again.

p.s. If I could get a loan for $8000, believe me I would pay off that arrears in a heart-beat.

Thanks again for all your advice Soc, it is much appreciated.

I realize the orders say the remedy of reducing arrearages...but at the last hearing with our usual Referee....she said it was not the intention of the court for the Plaintiff to just not pay her share of airfare and it come off the arrears, that if she cannot afford to pay her 1/2, to file the proper motion to address it. She also said to mom that "keep in mind that I already took into account both parties income and the fact that you are the one who moved out of state without court order or permission."

To me that means....She IS obligated to pay, that she is not off the hook by the remedy, that is is MY remedy, not hers.

If mom is never forced to pay her 1/2 of airfare, the child will miss some visitation times with me. With that remedy, it would be forcing me to pay on my arrearages more than what is required by law. Thats unreasonable and not fair.

Question:

1. How can I get this issue addressed with our usual Referee?

2. Would a Motion to Clarify this issue be effective?