Anyone have Referee Leppanen from Ramsey County?

[TJRodolph]

Sorry if this is long.....I'm the stepmom, doing all the Pro Se paperwork and research for my husband to try and get custody of his 8 yr old son. CP and NCP split up before the child was ever born. Everyone lived in MN. When child was 1 yr old, CP filed for CS order....and NCP only got "reasonable visitation". Every since then, my husband was only allowed to see his son at the mother's discretion. Mother would up and disappear for long periods of time and not provide address or phone number so sometimes a whole year went by when he did not get to see his son. Husband didn't not make much money nor did he know where to begin to fix the problem. I met my husband in 2002. One month after the CP found out her son spent a weekend at my house with his dad, she upped and moved to Ohio (where she was from orginally) without NCP consent or court order. Mother refused to give him her address. We couldn't even send presents, she just said "don't worry about Xmas presents, just make sure you keep paying the CS."

We wanted the son to be in our wedding in summer of 2004, but CP refused. She did however agree to drive him down after the wedding and we could have him for a few weeks, and we'd drive him back to Ohio. She drove to St Paul, and demanded my husband come and pick up her and son and bring them both to our home, and then to drive her back to St Paul. My husband refused, saying he will come pickup kid, but not her. She said she was taking her kid back home and hung up. It's a 12 hour drive one way. He called back to try and talk with her but no answer.

Thats when I finally stepped in and said we have to file something legal. We cannot afford lawyer to represent us, so I did my own research online and we filed a motion for parenting time assistance. CP was LIVID, mad as hell that she had to come all the way to MN for this. Mediation didn't work, she lied to the mediator, and would not compromise on an agreement at all. So I cancelled mediation. Then the judge had us talk to an investigator. I thought the investigator was on my side, but he wasn't. CP mother lied through her teeth. She had nothing on me. He recommended WAY less time than what I wanted. Everyone told me that most judges award what the investigator recommends. We ended up submitting affidavits in lieu of an evidentiary hearing. CP didn't get her affidavit in on time (she was just waiting to see a copy of mine so she could trash it)...and the referee's order came out, saying she did not consider the CP's affidavit as it was late, and the order further stated that the CP moved without court order or permission, and that what the NCP asked for is not unreasonable and no evidence that it is not in the child's best interest. So we got MORE time than we even requested, 3 times more than what the investigator recommended and the CP is responsible for paying 1/2 the airfare. That order was dated April 05.

We got the child for 4 weeks in June 05....we had to pay for the entire plane ticket, but then her 1/2 ended up coming of husband's arrears (he had a crappy job for about 1.5 yrs a few years back, and wasn't able to pay the full amount every month). We did not get the child for the fall time break as we could not afford the entire ticket again and mother refused to pay her 1/2. Then we bought the whole ticket for our Xmas time (Dec 05), and sent mother the dates/time of flights 3 months in advance...and one month before Xmas, the mother says we have to pay and change the ticket flight times because she started a new job and has to work and no one will pick up the kid from the airport for her. She wanted him to fly on a connecting flight that would involve getting him up at 3AM. We said NO. Court order specifically states NCP is to make all travel arrangements and give CP 30 day notice. Period. We were able to get the outbound flight within the time she wanted because it was a direct flight, but the only direct flight going back wasn't a time that would work for HER. She did not put the kid on the plane. She told the child that his dad bought the wrong ticket and thats why he couldn't come. The kid was devastated.

She still interferes with phone contact. Court order states she was to immediately provide grandfather's # since kid lives there more than his own house cuz of the mother's overnight shift and sleeping during the day. She won't provide the number. Every phone call is monitored by the mother. SHe tells the child he cannot speak to me or his step-siblings, in fact the kid told us his mother told him that he has no other brothers or sisters and no other grandparents, etc. My entire family has totally accepted this kid, and she is confusing him to no end.

Also, the child was moved away in 2002 when he was 4. Since our nwe court order last year, we found out the kid is a year behind in school, in special ed, diagnozed with ADHD, sees a therapist, and has major emotional and behavior issues. The mother was reported for child abuse by a school district in 2003 but she claims it was unfounded. We can't get any info on it. And since we were able to find out the kid's school, doctor records etc from the court hearing, mother has now changed the kid's school, doctor, residence again....to keep dad from knowing anything. When he asks his son what school does he go, he just says he doesn't know. When he asks if he wants to speak to his other brothers and sister he says "I can't." When we had him this summer, he told us that his mother and Grandfather both whip him with a belt frequently, for every infraction. In the therapist records it states mother purposely did not give the child his ADHD meds to try and make it last longer. A lot what the therapist had in her records as comments from CP were outright lies.

Anyhow, we filed a motion for a change of custody...citing the parenting time interference, and the child's well-being, not a stable home, constant moving of home and school and doctor's, his education being way behind and the fact that all the public schools in Dayton Ohio are rated at Academic Emergency and they live in the very high crime area. I think we have a very good case, but we have never actually file any contempts, and am a bit worried that the referee will want to just slap her hands a few times before changing custody. In the meantime, the child is suffering over there and being brain washed. We don't want to try and push the child for information too much, because he was told not to tell anything, and if he disobeys he will get the belt.

We did send an email to the CHildren's Services in Dayton asking them to check on Neglect....because the child is not enrolled in any Dayton Public school (we checked)...and no one seems to know where he goes to school. He was disenrolled in Oct 05....so there is a truancy issue now. Hopefully they will investigate the mother and then we will find out what school he goes to. We have sent her an Interrogatory Request also, to no avail, but it is more ammo for the hearing.

Our Motion hearing is 2/14. Not even sure if the CP will show up. Better for us if she doesn't. We are not sending her the copy of the motion and affidavit until next week since we legally do not have to. And what if she actually goes and gets a lawyer? We can't afford one. We do have a lawyer that we get advice from, thats all we can afford. She actually knows Referee Leppanen, as they used to be co-workers at the same firm. She thinks, that if the CP doesn't show up for that initial hearing, considering all the problems before, that she will just award custody to us. Especially since she gave us way more parenting time than the investigator recommended.

Anyone got any advice or comments?? Please and thanks.

[lisastpaul]

Hello TJ -
I do not have Referee Leppanen assigned to our case... but your posting was a very very familiar scenario... well, except that I am the [healthy] xW and my xH is the nutty mentally ill one.

Now I will not proceed to diagnose your husband's ex - - but it very much sounds like  a mental illness that is remarkably common, yet very rarely spoken of.

Please check out this website - there are many forums for you - better and much more active than this one.

//www.bpdcentral.com/nookboard

Take a gander and see if you don't recognize your troublemaker very quickly.
This website will lead you to some brilliant websites that will give you a lot of the answers that you are looking for, so I think.... legal and otherwise. (You have a lot of options, but you must get very very tough now.)

That website has saved my sanity countless times over the last year. Just when I thought that NO ELSE had seen what I had seen, then I meet thousands of others..

Your husband and his son are so very very lucky to have you as their advocate and protector. I truly think that you can win this thing!!

good luck - and contact me if you need to - -

Lisa

[TJRodolph]

Thanks for the input! Yes, I do believe the custodial mother has some sort of mental disturbance because there is no other explanation for her actions and behavior, especially over so many years. No normal rationale grownup woman would act this way.  She seriously needs some help before the son is totally messed up for life. My husband is a quiet, mild mannered person, and tries to avoid confrontation at all costs. He has done nothing mean or vindictive to this woman at all. We believe she is just upset because she has no control over my husband anymore. She moved out of state one month after she found out he was in a relationship with me. Mind you she has never met me. I'm just the "other woman" with a big red target on my forehead. I believe the woman has major insecurity and control issues. Our 1st hearing is 2/14.....and she is already trying to get the date changed to a later date. I'll keep ya posted.

[lisastpaul]

#1 - LET HER try to postpone the date. It will reflect badly on her  - and you are going to need the time to prepare with all the new information that you are going to learn this week. (!!) Truly. When you are ready, I will send you another batch of links  that will teach you even more about what you can do with a "persuasive blamer."

TJ - have you checked out the website?
I refer people to it all the time. Amazing how often, really. There are so many us affected by the turmoil that Personality Disorders cause.

As for the 8-yr old, I think that you know all too well that the permanent damage is done. Toxic environments for children up to age 7 create permanent problems. Amazing how their personality, their fears, etc are completely ingrained.

But you can start the healing process now for him rather than let him stagger through life without the coping skills needed to survive and thrive.

He really needs your rescue!
Document, Document, Document

Lisa

[TJRodolph]

Yes, I did checkout the site....I really don't know if the custodial mother fits 5 of those traits, as I have never met her. But she DEFINATELY has SOME sort of personality or behavior disorder....I have always said I thought she had some real medical mental problem.

I guess we have to wait and see if the judge even considers her letter requesting to reschedule the date. It was just a basic letter, not a motion...and she sent us a copy of it via certified, return receipt....so I am assuming that means she did not have a 3rd party mail it and do an affidavit of mail service, which means we weren't legally served....but who knows what the judge will say. Hopefully that letter will just get sent back to the CM saying that is not the proper way to address the court. Which also means she is not intending to show up on 2/14.

My next big obstacle will be the custody evaluation....we don't have money for it....not sure how that is going to work. And then if we have the actual evidentiary hearing...I don't think a lot of the evidence we have is admissible. Such as all the school records, the therapist records etc. We won't have any real credible witnesses that come testify other than us family members here.

For the parenting time hearing....the judge allowed both parties to just submit affidavits in lieu of the evidentiary hearing. I am wondering if that would be our best course of action in this case...wouldn't have to worry about cross examination, etc without a lawyer. On the other hand, I seriously doubt the CM would be able to fly any of her witnesses to MN either.

She is real good at playing the poor single mother role and twisting everything around. But she really comes across as her agenda is more important than the best interests of the child....everthing is about how broke SHE is, how can't allow court ordered parenting time because of HER work schedule, etc.

Our judge obviously saw through all her BS as she awarded us way more parenting time than the investigator recommended. We have only had ONE visitation with the kid since we got the new order last April. That was for one month last summer. And she called every fricken day for him....leaving up to 5 voicemails in one day if she didnt reach him.

Then she would scold him, or ask him stuff like if he was doing his homework, if he brushed his teeth, if he was taking his baths, saying his prayers etc.....she was just trying to control that poor kid through the damn phone.

Thanks for listening

[TJRodolph]

p.s... what exactly is a persuasive blamer? That sure sounds like the custodial mother in my mind. In some of her letters during the parenting time evaluation, she stated that the childs behavior was bad because his father wasnt a constant in his life. Well shyt, the reason he wasnt a constant is because the mother refused all contact, half the time, my husband didnt even know what their address was. SHe also in her letters tried to paint my husband as "running the streets" and that their relationship ended because of his unfaithfulness. My husband worked a lot of overtime at that time, and he says she always accused him of cheating, and would throw him out, and that last time she threw him out, he stayed out. Mind you there relationship only lasted less than 6 months....over the next 4 years, my husband would see her now and then, because that was the only way he was allowed to see his son. And yes, as bad as it sounds, she would want some "special favors" and him being a typical young male, figured oh well....and did it. He realizes now that was wrong to do, it probably just kept her hopes up. She had a few times over those 4 years asked to get back together with him. Even after I met my husband and she knew he was in a relationship with me, she would ask him for some luvin, and he would turn her down and then she wouldnt let him see his son. Then she moved out of state a month later.

Also in her letter to court, she said her son saw me and my husband in bed together and that we were making noises, and that the sons behaviors escalated.  That is SOOOOO untrue. And then she tried to write that she had told my husband not to have their son around his women out of respect for her and her son because this would severly affect their son in a bad way. OMG!

I have been with my husband for almost 4 years now, and she still acts like the jilted woman. I just dont get it. I am just so flabbergasted that someone could act this way.

It makes me feel really bad for this kid, and if something doesnt change, that kid is going to end up with severe emotional problems for life and probably end up on the street as a thug. By the way, he lives in a really bad high crime area of Dayton Ohio.

I am very confident that the judge will see that our home environment will be a MUCH needed improvement for this childs well being.

[lisastpaul]

TJ -
A "persuasive blamer" is a  parallel term for
Borderline Personality Disorder[d Person].

Amazing how they can convince the public that they are the VICTIM.
They have incredible skills of persuasion, and they combine that with the blame...  they cannot take responsibility for their actions.... and hey, they win again! Except that no one ever wins with a Borderline.

"They change the facts to fit their feelings" - good one to remember, TJ!

I am going through it once again with my xH. I feel like such a fool now, because when I met him, he sure sounded like he had been wronged all over the place, and the poor guy just must have really bad judgment about people - who "used him." (his words - later I found that I "used him too!" - but I was, indeed, the sucker who had been used. It was so sad. I was sure going to protect him.. was going to keep all the bad guys away!) Now he tells everyone that I ruined it all. I was so darn in love with him that I turned myself inside out trying to please him... so sad, so sad for our son.

Again, I cannot diagnose this woman, but, unfortunately, she fits the bill point for point/example for example. BPD. Don't worry about you sorting out if she is 5 out of 9. No one really does. Just skim though the forum and you will know.

All the examples that you have listed here ought to be included in your parenting affadavit. (even the booty call history - very very critical) This is your very first meeting with the ref, yes?
Well, fill up that paper  - I did not get the best advice there and I cringe now realizing that was my big chance to stack the deck! Agh! I had spoken to some really wimpy atty's who didn't understand the brevity of the situation.

Get all those witness' affadavits typed out, notarized and don't wory that it is only family. You simply point out that no one knows her because she is "always on the run." Borderlines (BPD) are on the run their whole lives - because someone else "made them do it!"

Oh boy, TJ, go back to the site and peruse it till you find some of your own story echoed, echoed... I can already think of many many stories that mirror yours completely. (The woman in question sounds like a classic sociopath.) Those other devoted loving step-moms will give you great advice!

Can't believe I am still up late. But saw that you had responded and your tale is compelling. So many online comrades have seen me through these completely irrational situations, and they are all somewhere else in the world. When you get so much help, you know that passing it on truly will make the world go round. So, since your story is a local story maybe that makes me feel all the more useful. After a few years with a Borderline, your self-esteem is completely eroded, you are wobbly, unsure of yourself - they want to feel the sick feelings that they do. That's why I can relate to your son. In some ways, I feel his pain, too. But he may never heal from his pain. He's heard a lifetime of lies already; he just doesn't trust.  

Custody Eval  - will make or break this case. It will HAVE to be done. Should insist on Psych Eval too - and watch her FREAK out in every way. Money is tough, yes, ask the county how to manage it. As frugal as I am, I am not even considering skipping a step.

Ohh, OK gotta go to sleep. But go back to the site - your "other woman" has a thousand twins! They are ruthless - they feel nothing - so need to bring out the big guns now.
hang in there - be strong - you are he healthy one!
best to you - Lisa

[TJRodolph]

Yes, it is very nice to have someone to discuss this with....it's hard even discussing with my husband because he gets so stressed so stressed about it and then doesn't want to talk about it anymore. So I really appreciate you listening....ya know whats funny...the custodial mother's name is Lisa....and she used to live in St Paul....lol

Yep, I see more traits of the BPD....she moved that kid around THIRTEEN times in 7 years. She has changed jobs a lot, and then went to school for LPN, and once she got her certificate for that (last year) she has changed jobs 3 times now. Plus she has moved the kid to 3 or 4 schools, and he is only in 1st grade! Plus she is always complaining, and everything is about her...about how she had to pay a fee at court when she needs to pay for HER schooling, and how she had to pay for travel to come to court when she supports two kids "all by herself". Oh, so I suppose my husband's child support is nothing? And her step-father watches the son more than she does. Then she says "I don't have time for all this bickering thru letters wasting all my time in the library typing up responses to you, when I should be spending quality time with my children." And when we had the kid over summer...she sent some school work for him to work on....we even asked her to send some stuff. My other kids helped the kid with spelling, and writing legibly, etc...and that pbfh writes in her letter to us that she asked the kid what he worked on and he said writing his dad and siblings names, etc...and that if that was true we just wasted her time. Well I didnt realize ANY form of education was a waste of time! ugh!

My husband said she is a very strict disciplinarian too, that he gets the belt for every little infraction, even back when he was like 2 yrs old.

And she doesn't take responsibility for herself at all....I suppose she blames my husband for the kid being a year behind in school and all his behavior problems, cuz as she puts it "all because his father is not a constant in his life." and "that the only reason the kid has loved his father all these years is because I have never talked bad about "dad" to him."

We have been in front of Leppanen before, she did our parenting time order. She seems very level headed and fair and obviously saw thru the custodial mom's BS.

We did write up a big 4 page affidavit with the motion for parenting time, and the pbfh never even submitted a response to it, nor did she deny anything in particular in it when we were at the hearing. But then we got to submit affidavits instead of that evidentiary hearing, and she submitted her letter late....cuz she was waiting to see what my husband wrote first...and in her letter it was just her trying to defend herself, saying she was being falsely accused and was trying to defend herself as a mother. She is a VERY defensive person...when this whole case is not about her, it's about the KID! She didn't even hardly mention the kid in her 2 page letter. It was just her trying to mudsling my husband. Judge didnt consider her letter anyhow since it was not timely. LOL ha ha ha.

And I did a REAL good job on the change of custody affidavit...that was like 10 pages long.

I am thinking that if the judge allows us to just submit affidavits again in lieu of the hearing...that we might go that route....as I can write a hell-of-a affidavit. It's pretty apparent that the pbfm does not have a lawyer. We don't either, but I have one that I consult and just get charged for her time and advice. AND she happens to be an ex co-worker of Leppanen. :-)

We for SURE will tell the evaluater we want the pbfh mentally screened, and specifically for BPD. That will jsut add to our big list of reasons why the kid would be better off with us.

[TJRodolph]

So how far along are you in your case? Are you the one with custody or trying to get custody?

[lisastpaul]

TJ - Good Stuff!

You are on the ball, and and I have a very good sense that you can write a hell of a hot affadavit. I mean, really, you have only written here a few times and you have a treasure trove of goodies. Excellent for you.
Best thing that I can remind you is to put each of these very strong examples in your affadavit. If the ref thinks it its too long, you would likely only get a mild scolding in person. Fine by me. I wish mine had been much denser, more examples!

But, I did have the good advice of going to the extreme - and I suggest this for you, as well - ONLY supervised visitation. I did not cite enough examples but I did get  - for xH - the minimum vis - only about 8 hrs. a week. Good, but I wanted to keep it really tight, so I recently had to give a bit (we added 5 more hrs  week, he picks up our 2 yr old from daycare 2x a week, which I thnk is good for our son, actually) so I didn't look like the hysterical mom in front of the mediator. Oh, if only my obvious fear of this man made a difference to the mediator who has seen it all. If only my tears were familiar to him, day after day after day. But, he just wasn't convinced that  my All-American Boy ex, former school teacher, was a bad influence (!!)  Aghhh....

As far as overnights.. oh, do I shudder at the thought! Give an inch and they become the ruler(!), as we say in the BPD world! (sound familiar??) He cuts our sons gorgeous hair when he gets anxious, feel out of control... sicko. The first time, I was livid  - he knew we were going for the 1st haircut the following week - he took the pillowy white curls that will never happen again. When I asked him why - he told me "becasue he looked white trash!"  Huh??? I could cry again right now. I gave this beautiful child this twisted father.

And the X's family was no help either. I reached out to them yrs ago, they wouldn't respond. Each of them has mental illness, too, and sadly, oh my genetic nightmare, I DO NOT EXAGGERATE. And of course, X tells them that i am the crazy one!! BPD can be rather easily passed on, and I will be damned if my son has to live in that eternal inner hell.

Anyway, if you want to learn anymore, go back to the Nook site. I have the same posting name. Lots of stories there. Has become my journaling, really.
Say, did you notice yet that children of BPD Mothers call them Momster?? That is universal. And again, so so tragic.

Yes, you do need someone to talk to about this! It could be the most emotionally and mentally challenging event of your life. But well worth it on the other side.

Anytime - keep up the good work!
Lisa