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I was a child of a hostile agressive (HA) parent. It was my mother, but the sex of the agressor is not important. One parent made it impossible for me to cultivate and maintain my relationship with my other parent. My HA parent sent me through loyalty tests almost every day. I was subject to physical and emotional abuse whenever I did not pass the test - but I was never told the rules beyond the fact that I was required to prove to my HA parent that I loved them more than the other parent.

It messed with my mind. It destroyed my own self worth - I never felt loved for myself, just for the assurance I could offer my HA parent (deserved or not). I also lived my life believing my targeted parent either could not - or would not - rescue me. I felt my target parent did not care enough to overcome all obstacles to free me from the mental torture, so I threw my target parent under the bus in order to survive.

I was 16. Your daughter is, what? 10? she does not have the skills to do anything other than go along. She is in survival mode. If you will not fight for her, then she will fight on her own. It is not about what IS, but about what she PERCEIVES to be. Remember that. Always remember that.

Lastly, don't make every gift about "earned." Gifts are gifts, they are not earned. You give gifts because you love the recipient, not because they earned it. Earn = reward or wage, not gift. She asks for a gift and you answer with , "sure, I will pay you a wage." I am not saying to give her everything she wants, but you need to make your answer Yes or no" not "we'll see." She needs as much structure as you can give. Set the rules and demand she meet them. When she balks remind her that each place has its own rules (e.g., school, church, grandma's, Dad's, Mom's.) It is normal that different places have different rules.

While her HA parent is teaching her that love can be bought, you are teaching her that love can be EARNED. You need to parent her in a manner that basically ignores the parenting your ex is doing. In other words, draw your line in the sand and refuse to be pushed over that line. Let her find you no farther away emtionally than when she last saw you. Your daughter needs you to be as stable and dependable as you possibly can be. But never forget to show your love.

Your ex does not need a POA from you. She can "extend" her own rights over her hubby with a POA from her to him.

My Husband has a son (now grown). When SS was about 8, we looked into a POA, because occassionally DH would have to work on his weekends for 4-6 hours. BM's home was a 6 hour round trip. SS was starting into a gawky stage, so in the case SS needed emergency treatment while DH was at work, I could sign. It was a limited POA specifically involving issues related to SS. It also listed my ability to discuss SS with medical or school officials.

When we did this, I insisted that we send a copy of it to BM and talk to her on the phone that the reason was to protect SS until one of his bio parents could arrive, or if DH was incapacitated or killed, then DSHS/CPS could not put SS into the system while his mother made the trip to pick him up. BM accepted this more readily than many other things, but it was a specific POA and it only had to do with DH's rights as they stood.

I am a second spouse. My DH was the NCP and the "obligor". When we requested a downward modification of CS we had to provide my income. We are in WA state. Our state typically does not reduce downward unless there are certain criteria. If DH's income had reduced (actually it had not increased, but he had 2 additional children and BM had a considerable increase in income making DH's share much less of the total) they would look at the other kids AND my ability to support the other children on my own income.

Because DH was paying a disproportionate share in the original decree, and he had tons of supporting documentation, he got the reduction he was looking for. If I had been making ALOT of money (I was told greater than $100K a year) they would have just left the CS order as it was. So, while you have a right to NOT provide the information, your bid for a reduction will likely not be granted if you do not provide the information.

In our experience, the same judge hears teh case until he moves counties or retires, so you will likely have the same judge who said he gives 50/50 after age 2 hearing the case again.

In all honesty, you will have a crap shoot.

A little old couple is watching TV one afternoon when a commercial for viagra comes on. The little old man pops up, runs to the coat closet and starts putting on his coat. His wife hollers at him, Harold? what's wrong, where you going?"

Harold says, with a twinkle in his eye, " Well, Maude, I'm gonna go get myself some of that there Viagry."

Suddenly Maude pops up, runs to the coat closet and starts putting on her coat. Harold is confused and asks, "Where you going?"

His little old wife says, "Well if you are gonna use that rusty old thing I'm gonna get me a tetanus shot."

_______________________________

My mother in law told me that one.

It takes a brave woman to understand that you have to sometimes get out of the way and let the better equipped parent do the majority of the parenting. I am a good parent, BUT I know I am not as good at parenting as my husband. When he was deployed to Iraq last August I had to set aside my ego for the good of my children. They went to school from my in-laws' home and I had custody on the weekend. The kids benefitted from having a parental figure at home when they came home from school. I benefitted from the time to focus on keeping sane enough to do my high stress job. I was also a better parent to my boys when they came home each weekend.

In April I lost my job and they came home full time for the summer after school let out.

I pride myself on being an intelligent woman. I am smart enough to know that I cannot handle my tweenagers all by myself. I battle my own depression and they do better when I am not the only one they can depend on. It is not a shame to admit you are not Supermom...heck, I think the only good super moms are somewhat manic!

Your ex needs to focus on her hubby (either support him and get him help, or leave him.) When that is handled, you two can renegotiate custody. Until her hubby is emotionally staable, she cannot invest herself fully into your son.

Do the divorce papers mention the child?

IF there is NOTHING about the child, he should go in for an ex parte motion before the judge and move for custody of the child based on mother's brain injury and unstable medical and psychological conditions.  Use the fact that she cannot care for herself to regain/retain custody.

I read the appeals for my state (WA) and most of the time when a judge sends something back to a commissioner, it is for them to either justify their decision based on the state statutes/guidelines, or to reconsider their decision.
Do you have a copy of the judge's order sending it back down to the DRC?  And will the same person at DRC be doing this?

SUPPORT HAS STOPPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dad's]

Order says 6 to 6. That means Dad's time goes from 6 PM to 6 PM. He would technically not have to put child on train until 6 PM. All he has to do is have child available at 6 PM. If he were to drive and get child by 6 PM Friday you could be on the road from 6 PM Sunday to after 10.

Justme, I suggest you do the train and pay half. you say Dad doesn't exercise visitation EOW, so you are talking less cost than the price of gas AND less overall than the cost of a lawyer. The ex may not ever give you an explanation, but if you think about it, the 6:10 train is the best scenario for everyone. Your DD will get home at a reasonable time. costs are contained. The ONLY problem with the train is that you have a VOLUNTEER oportunity that you could arrange an occassional change in your schedule. ON those days when Dad has DD and she is coming home on the train, you send a friend to pick her up, a relative, or you ask the previous volunteer to stay on duty for the hour you need to get DD and get home.

Out of "principle" you are fighting a battle that is a no win situation.  You could get stuck driving all the way there and back on Sundays if a court gets invovled. I have seen it happen time after time that a court decides he/she who wants, goes and gets.

Also, since your order is so vague, but it is an order, you cannot bring up what happened BEFORE the order in court now. His moving means nothing since it did not happen since the last order. Share means share. Generally it goes without saying to share evenly/equally, but the judge may not have said that in order to get you and the ex to have some leeway to negotitate what is best for your situation. OK, so he does not want to negotiate. Does the order state you have to meet? Make him come all the way a couple times and see how you both like the entire drive. (We did 13 years of 3.5 hours each way, 26 times a year because BM was "difficult".) You want child? she will be availale here at home at 6 PM. Cuts down on any one parent changing the plans too quickly or too late.