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We live in MN, if that makes any difference. DH was awarded joint custody of his kids on Dec 24. Some of you may remember that BM filed this order behind our backs so that she could take the kids from him on Christmas. Anyway, it was a proposal that was presented to her in Sept that stated DH would continue to pay full amount of CS until June 2005. Well, in court in Dec, it was agreed that he would continue these payments until she was no longer enrolled in her current college program full time. We have filed to get the order corrected, but the court date isn't until April.

DH lost his job last week. We understand that even if he had not agreed to continue paying the full amount of support for an extended period, he would have to wait six months until he could ask to have it modified based on the joint custody. But now can he file to have it modified based on the fact that he lost his job?

By the way, we have been caring for the kids most of the time for well over a year, and we have that documented, but legally she had sole custody until December. Also, dh is not an irresponsible person who cannot hold down a job, like bm is. He was with the company for 16 years, and lost his job due to a structure change.

My DH has physical custody of 2 children. BM had custody until Dec 2003. At that time, the kids were spending more time in our home than hers, and in court, they agreed on joint physical custody.

In April, dh and bm were back in court because the joint custody was not working. By that time it had come to light that bm was a meth addict, and dh asked for sole custody. The judge set a new hearing date for May, granted dh temp custody, her every other weekend and Tuesday eves and ordered them both to take drug tests that day and random ones until the next hearing.

BM tested positive for meth 3 times, then quit taking the tests. She signed a stipulation granting dh sole permanant physical custody 15 minutes before the hearing to avoid appearing in front of that judge again. The stipulation did not mention visitation, and atty informed us after they had both signed and she left that visitation would go back to the last order.

1 1/2 weeks ago, dh filed an OFP against her after she forced her way into our home and refused to leave until the police came. She has threatened to kill dh and me, and has been harassing us and stalking us continually. She checked into treatment a week ago, and checked out 3 days later.

Tomorrow dh is filing for a change in visitation, asking for supervised visiation on the basis that he feels the children are in danger in her care because of her drug addiction and erratic behavior. We don't believe he will be able to get a family court date until after the OFP hearing.

We are all in MN.

1. How can we get a copy of the drug test results to support his OFP motion?

2. Can we get her treatment records to support his motion?

3. If the OFP is dropped, is dh justified in denying her visitation until the family court hearing?

The other day I asked ss what he was doing and he lied right to my face. He was not doing what he was supposed to be doing, so instead of telling me what he was really doing, he lied. Three times he lied to me, and the 4th time I asked him, he told me the truth. What he really was doing was trying to get his glove that he had thrown on the roof. So since he figured he would be in trouble for throwing his glove on the roof, he lied.

I didn't even tell him how stupid it was to throw his glove on the roof, because I was so upset that he lied right to my face three times. I told him that is one of the worst things he can do to me, it completely breaks down trust, and is a sin against God. Later dh told him that if he had told the truth, I would have told him how stupid it was to throw his glove on the roof, and that it's dangerous to try to break the icicles of the house, but he wouldn't have been punished for it. Now he would be punished because he lied.

Now, it's hard to punish him because there is not much we can take away. They get home from school so late, our kids never watch TV or go play with their friends on weeknights. He's 8 and doesn't really talk on the phone, except to bm and we can't take that away. They don't play video games. So we decided he would be grounded through Sat, because then he might actually miss out on something. We talked to him and told him what he did was VERY wrong, and he should be sorry for it. We told him that we love him very much and will forgive him, but he needs to be sorry for what he did and not do it again.

Well later, before we had a chance to tell him what his punishment was going to be, it was decided that he would go to bm's house Fri night and spend the night. Sat dh is going to pick him and go Christmas shopping. So much for being grounded. When we talked to him about his punishment, he got really snotty. He said "I'll just play with my friends Friday, when I go to my mom's." DH said there's nothing we can do about that. Then I told him he can't have any treats. Last week at church, he and my daughter made this Xmas countdown thing that has a piece of candy for every day and part of the Xmas story. So they have been eating the candy every day as they read the story. When I told him that he can't have any treats, he said "Then I'm taking all my treats to my mom's on Friday so nobody else can eat them."
"No you're not" we told him. DH explained that when you do something wrong, you are supposed to regret it and that's why you get punished. I told him that when you do something wrong, it's not enough to say you're sorry, you should feel sorry in your heart, and his attitude is showing us that he's not sorry about it. I'm pretty upset about this because I personally really think that lying is one of the worst things a person can do. I want him to learn something from his punishment, but he's just trying to scam out of it.

When he went to bed, dh went to tuck him in like he does every night. He came back shaking his head and said he was still pretty upset. He said it's not right "That's MY candy"
 
I know when he goes to bm's she is just going to tell him how mean we are for punishing him.

I have no wisdom. I am really sad and confused. For those who don't know me, I have been through hell and back and back to hell again the past few years fighting for my sd (13) and ss (11). Their bm is a wacko who has drug addictions ranging from prescription narcotics to meth. She was verbally and emotionally abusive to the kids for as long as I can remember. DH got custody of them about 2 years ago because her meth addiction was proven to the court. She has had very little contact with them the last couple years. She's supposed to be taking random drug tests and having supervised visits eow, but is not taking the tests and refuses to agree w/dh on a person to supervise visitation, so that really doesn't happen either.

SD is in her third year of middle school. She was in her first year when the custody change happened. At the beginning of that school year, she was "legally" living w/bm, but we were doing everything for her and bm didn't attend any school open houses, conferences or other events since she has been going there. SD has been doing great here. She's been on the A honor roll for three years and is involved in many activities at school and at our church. The past few months, though she's been getting in a lot of trouble at school. It's all been pretty minor things, but it's just been one thing after another. A couple of weeks ago, the school called and told dh that she was cutting her arms. He had a long talk with her that night and was hoping things were getting better, and trying to pay more attention to her. Yesterday they called and said she was doing it again. I looked at her arms and she had several pretty ugly cuts on her wrist. She was doing it with a pair of sharp scissors.

We immediately made arrangements for her to see a counselor, but the person we want her to see was not available for 4 weeks after the first incident. DH hoped that things would improve by then and maybe she wouldn't have to keep the appt. Guess not. She is also set up to join some support group at school. SD is not impressed by any of this and says it will not help her at all. She really seems to have been trying to hide this from us and doesn't want to talk about it. But today, we were at ss's bb game, and bm showed up there. SD went and sat with her and told her all about it. Of course BM freaked out and started cursing out dh for not telling her about it right away. He couldn't tell her if he wanted to because she has no phone.

I think SD is trying to get her mom to pay more attention to her, but we know that she is going to use this against dh to try to prove he's a horrible parent and get custody back. Right now she can't even get her visitation back unless she takes the drug tests she's supposed to. Last time she came to ss's game she was wasted. I could tell she was high, but of course the kids can't because the only way they remember her.

I just don't know what to do. I know there isn't really much else I can do, I guess I just needed to get this off my chest so I can try to sleep tonight.

For those of you that don't know my story, I'll try to sum it up. BM got custody of my skids in divorce. Not long after the divorce was final, the amount of time she asked dh to take them began to steadily increase. He started looking for ways to change custody in 2002. Last fall, we hired an atty, and when attempts to settle had definitely failed, started court proceedings. By this time, dh had the kids about 80% of the time and a lot of that was her last minute changes. In Dec 2003, he got joint custody. In April, he proved that BM had a major meth problem and got full custody. Child support is not settled.

BM is now only allowed supervised visitation with an adult they both agree upon. She was ordered to take random UA's and not use any non-prescribed mood altering substances. She's not taking random UA's. She has taken a few, at times of her choosing. She has only seen the kids a few times since June.

This woman has put me through absolute hell. She has threatened to kill me and my dh. She has harassed us, abused us and tried very hard to make us as miserable as she is. I have been in therapy because this summer I became so depressed I really hoped I would die. I didn't die, and I don't want to anymore.

The kids have been through hell too. Now they understand the problem about as well as a 12 yo and 9 yo can. They love their mom and are waiting patiently for her to start doing the things she is supposed to do in order to rebuild their relationship and become involved in their lives again. They want so much to believe she is sober, and she's told them she is. But she isn't. She hasn't produced a clean drug test yet. She is taking prescription narcotics now, instead of meth, and has yet to produce a prescription to prove she is not breaking the law.

I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore. We won. I want the kids to get whatever they can from her, because they are so desperate. But I'm having a lot of trouble even encouraging them to talk to her. Every time the phone rings my neck gets all tense because it might be her, calling for the kids. (What lies and drama will it be today?) She will never, ever apologize for what she has done to me or take any responsibility for her own troubles. But I feel like the best thing for the kids is for me to forget about what I've been through. We have the legal guidelines in place to protect them, but still the thought of being anywhere near bm makes me physically ill. I need to move on, but I don't know how.

BM came to our church with the kids. It was my idea. She had them this weekend and told them they wouldn't be able to go to church. The temp co says dh can pick them up for church and bring them back after on her weekends. Rather than throwing the co in her face, I asked sd how she felt about missing church, and she didn't want to. So I suggested if mom wants to spend the morning with them, why not invite her to church. She thought it was a great idea, and so did ss. (I guess, honestly, I really didn't think she would go.)

I still can feel the tension in my neck, 12 hours later. After the service was over, we went into the fellowship hall for cookies and visiting, like we always do. I stepped out for a few minutes, and when I came back, bm was sitting with dh and my family. I just kept walking. Went out the door on the other side and wandered around for awhile to let them finish talking. When I came back, she was still there. I just walked over and grabbed my stuff and told dh I was ready to leave. She asked me to talk to talk to her for a few minutes. (OH NO) I just told her I was really glad she came because I knew it meant a lot to the kids. That was really about all I wanted to say to her, and about all the grace I could muster. But she wanted to say some things to me. I ended up running out because I just couldn't listen to her anymore.

2 of my 4 skids said "happy m-day to me." My 3 yo son thought the card he gave me was for him to keep. He won't give it back to me.

My family lives in the house that he built 16 years ago when he was with his 1st wife. She left him and their kids because she wanted to party and not have any responsibilities. Then pbh moved in, he married her, and about 2 years after he realized she is a pbfh, he asked her to move out and divorce. When they split up, dh and I were friends, but not romantically or sexually involved. But of course, she doesn't believe that. Anyway, pbfh is really good friends with the woman who lives across the street from us, so she automatically hates me without ever having met me. She will not let her kindergarten son ride the school bus, because she is afraid he will become friends with my daughter. When she sees dh at the store and he says hi to her, she looks away. All my skids are friends with her kids, and it has been really hard on them to have this animosity.

 About 3 years ago, new neighbors moved in next door, from another state. They have two kids, and our kids play together a lot and we have always been friendly, but not spent a lot of time together. Sometimes though, she has seemed to have a really weird attitude toward dh and me that we can't explain. Well now all of a sudden she is hanging out with pbfh a lot. They are having lunch together, she picks her kids up for school every day, and I just found out that Fri night is spending the night at their house to babysit.

 Of course this makes me very uncomfortable, but I know that it's none of my business to tell my neighbor who to be friends with. I really hate the thought of pbfh being next to door to us all night, and I am probably going to go out Friday night so I don't have to think about it. But here's what really gets to me. At least once a month, dh and pbfh have a big argument and pbfh threatens to ruin his life. One of the ways she plans to do this is call his work and tell everyone their that he is a drug-dealer. Well, she can't do that now, since he was laid off last week. She also has said that she will have a talk with me and tell me all sorts of things that will make me leave him. Well, this is really hard, since I won't talk to her. The other part of her plan is to tell everyone we know, everyone in our community what absolutely horrible people we are. We haven't really let these threats get to us, since we figure anyone that knows us can see that we are just a loving family who are trying to take good care of our kids and be good Christians.

But every time we hear that pbfh is getting closer with our neighbors, it makes us uneasy. Is she just doing this to try and make us uncomfortable? Is she trying to turn our whole neighborhood against us? The other day, dh went to pick up ss from the bus stop, and neighbor lady wasn't their to get her kids, so he offered them a ride home. They said no, and stood there in the cold rather than get in his car. He is not a stranger to them. They have been over here to play many times.

This has really been bugging me. I was going to try and talk to neighbor lady about, which makes me kind of nervous, because she might just tell me to mmob. Today when I hoping to talk to her at the bus stop she wasn't there. Then, after I got back, I saw pbfh pull up in her driveway to pick up her kids, and they were out in the driveway laughing and talking for several minutes.

Am I just being really selfish by wishing pbfh would just stay away from my neighbors? I know she wouldn't appreciate if I was hanging out with her next door neighbor. I'm sure it just makes her feel great to know that she is getting under my skin like this. If anyone has any advice or encouraging words, I would appreciate them, but please don't tell me to move. We have decided to stay in this house because it is the place that skids have always known as home, and we have reassured them many times that we are planning to stay here for their sake.

I've been reading some of these posts, and trying to figure out how so many of us married men who once loved (or thought they loved) such selfish and mean women. I don't think I'm mean, so if my husband loves me, what in the world did he ever see in this piece of work?

PBFH wanted to have visit with skids today. She is on supervised visitation now, because of her drug addiction. DH told her Tue that she would have to show him a clean drug test from this week, or skids would not go. She had asked the judge if she could do the tests at her clinic instead of through court services because she couldn't afford the ones that she had quit taking before. The judge said fine, as long as she gives dh the results. Don't ask me how the clinic is going to cost less than the $18 it cost for cs to do them.

Dh told her that since it would take at least a couple days to get the results, she would have to take a test on Tue or Wed. She didn't. He was out of town camping w/ss all week and didn't get back until late last night. When he talked to her, she told him that she hadn't taken a test because she wasn't clear on what he wanted. He told her to forget the visit then, and she ended up going to the ER to take a test. DH will not be able to get the results until Monday, but he let the kids go. I'm pretty sure the ER costs more than $18. SD even told dh this morning that it seems like maybe she waited 3 days for a reason. She's pretty bummed out about that.

On the phone last night with dh, bm was b****ing about not being able to talk to the kids on the phone. DH said in court he would allow one phone call per day. I'm beginning to think that was even too much. She said Thurs SD couldn't have a conversation with her because even though I was home, I was MAKING sd watch my 2 younger kids. BULL. Then she said Friday she was not able to talk to sd because I am not giving her the phone messages. She claims she called at 3pm, there was no answer and she left a message. No call is logged from her number on my caller id. There was no voice message. I think she forgot to call, and is trying to blame me. Either she is flat-out lying to make me look bad, or her brain is so fried that she doesn't know what's going on. Probably some of both.

This has been a horrible week, and I am getting really depressed because I just don't know how much more of this I can take. Dh and I KNOW that bm is a meth addict. We SUSPECT she is selling it to my next door neighbor. That's making us very uncomfortable. The kids are going through hell, and they are very scared and know something really wrong is going on with bm, but they don't want to talk about it.

The custody order says Sunday to Sunday. She has only kept them 2 Sundays since the beginning of this year. We know she's been using pretty heavy for at least the last two months. My brother is a recovering addict who used that stuff for a long time, and has been sober for almost a year. We've been talking to him a lot about it, and almost every sign he's talked about, we've seen in her. This week the kids were supposed to with her. They spent two days with her (Mon and Tue) when dh could tell she was high. (She kept having reasons to stop over here and our neighbor's house.)  Then Wed, she started going through withdrawals. It was EXACTLY what my brother told me he felt like when he ran out of drugs. The kids stayed with us Wed, Thu, then Fri she said she was going to get them after school. She didn't even know they didn't have school on Fri. We had plans to go to the zoo, they could have come with, but we didn't know when we would be back, so she said to send them to the neighbors so she could get them when she woke up. The ended up spending the whole day and night over there. Today she said she's feeling better, and she spent about 4 hours with the kids and then had to get rid of them because she had a date at 5:30.

Now the kids will be with us for the whole week. Next week they are on Spring Break. I don't know what she will do because she can't even seem to handle a few hours with them. We've tried going to Social Services, and they won't even look into it.

Dh and I have had a problem with harassing phone calls from his xw for years. We are getting better at dealing with that. He mostly hangs up on her now when she is flying off the handle. Last night, though, he actually called the police. Good for him, I say. She was pissed about something very stupid, and called him screaming and said she was going to come over here. So he called the cops. The officer he spoke to is somewhat familiar with their case, and thinks she's a nut, by the way. He said if she comes over here, they can come over and arrest her, but can't do anything about the phone.

Well, today she called to talk to the kids. We were getting ready to go out, so of course it upset her to have her time limited, but all she did was tell the kids that they had been very disrespectful to her, and basically, tried to make them feel like crap. SS was crying because she was telling him that she did not want me volunteering at his school anymore. He stuck up for himself, which was a big surprise to dh and me. He told her that he likes it when I help at his school (in sobs.) That made her mad, and I could hear her screaming at him over the phone--and I was sitting on the other side of the house.

I don't think she should have any right to call here and treat the kids like that. I told dh that if she is going to do that to him, he should interupt the call and tell her to call back when she has something nice to say to them. He has custody of them this week, and that should give him the right to protect them from this verbal abuse. He is worried that if he interferes with her right to speak to them on the phone, she can hold that against him when they go back to court.

Yesterday when dh brought the kids back to their bm's they were talking about Christmas. Bm had wanted to bring them to AK for two weeks to spend it with her parents. In light of the recent events (greatly reduced visitation and preparing for court on Dec 10th to get custody changed) dh decided to exercise his right to see the kids on Christmas, so she can't have them in AK over the holiday. SD told dh she did not want to go there for her whole break anyway, and both of them do not want to miss everything we do with their family here. He has suggested she take them to AK for one week the day after Xmas. Well, anyway, yesterday she told him and the kids that the reason she wanted to go there for Xmas was that she didn't have any money to buy them presents. She said they are not going to put up any decorations at her house or anything. What a crappy thing to tell the kids. I guess it does make me feel a little better about our tight budget for Xmas this year. The kids have been so spoiled in years past, and I am always worried about disappointing them. It's always a competition, it seems like. Looks like this is going to be the second year she lets us have them Xmas eve and day because she doesn't have presents so she doesn't want to celebrate. Good news for us, because we get to spend the whole holiday with them and so do all the people we visit, but gosh, what a lot of guilt for them. Mom doesn't to be with me on Xmas because she can't give me expensive presents? Sad. Not at all like a few years ago, before she filed bankruptcy so she could charge everything in sight on credit cards. Boy she was a great mom then--she had lots and lots of presents.

This is really hard for me. Last time I posted concerns about my daughters visitation w/her bf, I felt like I got reemed over the coals. She's 8, and he has never had any consistent visitation with her because he has never really tried to. I have not kept her from him. He has a pattern of seeing her a couple days a month when he has a girlfriend in his life, but then they break up and he ditches her too. Then when he gets a new woman he will reappear. This has happened many times over the years. Now he is single, and to my surprise he still asked to see her last weekend. He asked to pick her up Sat afternoon and when he got here, then he asked if she could spend the night and he would drop her at church in the am. I thought it would be okay so I got her some clothes together. She hasn't had very many overnight visits with him, but he just moved into a 2bdrm apt and set up a bdrm for her.

She made it to church on time, but we missed the first half because she was in the hallway bawling. She was upset because they didn't do anything together. She said all they did was watch movies and then he slept until they had to leave in the morning. The more I heard about it the more upset I got. Later she was talking about the movies they watched, and they were completely innapropriate for a child to be watching. They watched four movies!! Eight hours sitting in the front of the TV. She brought her homework, but didn't do it. Then she told me that one of his bf's friends had come over. I know this friend, and I know my ex, and knowing that this friend was there all night makes it very obvious to me that they were sitting there getting high all night. That's why my daughter was so upset about him not paying any attention to her and why he couldn't get up with her in the morning.

Now I know that he is her father and I cannot control what happens at his house. I also know that he has no legal rights to visitation, it's all up to me (except that I can't force him to be around when he's not.) I am really mad and I don't understand why he even came to pick her if he didn't want to do anything with her. If I only saw my kids a couple days a month, I would want to make the most of it. Somebody please tell me what is the right thing to do next time he calls.

It stinks. We can't really plan anything.
My ex, after popping back into our lives for almost two months has been calling every other Th or Fri and asking if he could see dd that weekend. He always waits until the last minute, and never calls her in between. If she calls him, he doesn't have anything to say to her or time to talk, so she gave up trying to call him. Last time it would have been the weekend he saw her, he blew her off. I pretty much expected him to. It was his birthday, so I'm sure he was out partying. Now it's two weeks later, so I'm assuming he will call tomorrow or the next day.

DH's ex is supposed to have supervised visitation eow, if she is passing random drug tests. As far as we know, she hasn't passed a drug test yet (and I'm sure if she had, she would make sure we knew about it.) She did see the kids a couple weeks ago when her parents were in town. They live in AK and only see their family once or twice a year. They took the kids out three times, and she went with them. Last Mon, she took a test. We haven't seen the results yet, but she said it was clean for meth, but positive for barbituates. She claims this is because she went to the doctor and got a presc for codeine because she was sick. But she took the drug test in the am and went to the doc in the pm. She said she is going to take another one today to prove she is not on anything. But then if she wants to see the kids this weekend they have to agree on a person to supervise, so I don't know if it's going to happen or not.

I guess we'll just plan on sittin' here all weekend waiting for everyone to come and go, and if they don't, they don't.

My dh warned me about this. When my ex called and wanted to take dd for a 3-night visit after not even calling for three months (and not for three months before that time.) He said won't she feel uncomfortable after not seeing him for so long? Well, the first time he called we got into a HUGE argument. I told him a lot of things I'd been wanting to for a very long time. He got to see her from Sat morning til Sat night. When he dropped her off, he said "I'll see you in two weeks." to her, didn't say anything to me about it.

 Two weeks later, he asked to take her Sat night until Sunday night, because he had to work Saturday. I let her go Sunday after church until Sunday night. I went outside to talk to him when he came to pick her up about how he needs to talk to me about his intentions, not her (she's 6.) He got really mad and told me I should let him be father to her, that this few hrs every two weeks is bs. He does not even call to talk to her ever! I don't think he's trying to be father. Anyway, before his temper tantrum, he told me pick her up from his house that evening, so I could see where he lives. (I told him I'm not going to let her spend the night anywhere if I don't know where she's going and who lives there.) So I did. He lives with his new gf and her two daughters in a very small brand new townhome.

Two weeks later, he calls Friday night and asks if he can see dd this weekend. He wanted to pick her up after work Sat and keep her til Sunday. DH thought it was too soon, but dd wanted to spend the night with him the first time. She has missed her dad. He told me he couldn't bring her to church, because he was going to spend the night at his mom's house with dd, but told me in the future when he has her on Sunday mornings he will take her to our church so she doesn't have to miss it. Sunday, when she came home, I found out they did not spend the night at his mom's house. I told dd she looked tired, and she said she did not get any sleep. Then she gave me a big hug and started crying and said "I really missed you a lot last night." I told her I didn't think she should spend there for a while and she agreed.

He "popped" back into my daughter's life after not hearing from him in 3 months, and another 3 months before that. He called the week before the 4th of July and asked if he could "see her this weekend." I asked him what he had in mind, and he said he wanted to pick her up Friday and bring her back Monday morning. I don't think so.
We got into quite an argument about what a sorry excuse for a father I think he is, and I finally told him he could see her on Sat, for the day. I don't even know where he lives! When he brought her back he told her, "I'll see you in two weeks." He didn't even ask me if he could see her in two weeks.

DH's latest co states that bm will have supervised visitation with kids e/o Sat and Sun (not overnight.) One phone call per day between 8am and 8pm. It also states that bm will remain clean and sober, not use any mood altering substances, including alcohol. (This does not specify when the kids are with her, it means ever.) It states that she will submit to random ua's. Doesn't specifically say that she has to provide dh with the results, but the judge DID specifically tell her in court that she has to do that.

Two weeks ago, she tested positive for meth. She has refused to give dh these results, but told him that they were positive. She was upset that it didn't measure the level. She claims that she had been off meth for over three weeks at the time. She claims she has been off it for more than a month now, but it stays in her system for 30-40 days. She has not taken any more tests, even though dh has asked her to at least three times.

I have a very hard time believing anything she says, because she has lied about this so so many times, but I want to make sure. My brother, who is a recovering meth addict, told me that an occasional user would be clean within 72 hours, and a chronic user would be clean within two weeks at the most. But he's not a medical professional, and I know some of you guys are.

It outlines what bm's contact is to be. It also states that she is to not use any non-prescribed drugs or alcohol. In the findings of fact it states that she admitted to being chemically dependent, and completed treatment. That's not even true. She told the judge she had checked into treatment, but didn't bother to tell her she checked out again 3 days later.

Today when she called, we didn't answer the phone. DH called her back and said she is not going to be allowed to talk to the kids. She failed her drug test. She had told the kids last week she had already taken a test and passed, now she says she never said that to them. She gave him her counselors phone # to call and verify that she had made arrangements with him to take the drug tests. He will not return dh's phone calls, he asked bm about that and said "obviously you did not give him permission to talk to me about this." She said she never made arrangements with him to take the tests, and never said she did!

Friday night, bm went to ER to take drug test, because dh told her that the kids couldn't go Sat without that being done. Sat night, ss was VERY upset when they came home. He was lashing out at me. After talking to him for a while, figured out it was because bm had told him a secret, and this was weighing very heavy on him. The secret was about something that was none of dh's business, but because we have talked to him a lot about this lately, it was hard to deal with for him. Then after he got it out, he started crying again and said that bm told she would beat him if he told dh! This is why she is supposed to be supervised right? So she can't say things like that to them. But during her "supervised" visit, she took them shopping alone, and drove about 60 miles rt to take them to a party.

Today is Monday. DH called and  left her a message this am that he wanted the signed release from the hospital where she went for her ua, and he wanted her to take another test today. She called back this afternoon and said that she did not sign a release, but she got the test results. Guess what? Positive for meth! She is trying to say this she has been off it for over 20 days, and it stays in your system for 30 days if you are a chronic user. She's pissed because the results she got do not show specific levels, and she thinks it is only a trace. Also, she says he cannot call her 2 hrs before she has to go to work and tell her she has to take a test. She wants a schedule!

Three weeks ago, BM came over uninvited and forced her way into my home. The kids were in bed, but not sleeping yet, and heard everything. The police came and told me they considered arresting me for assault. All I  had done to her was push her to try and keep her from entering my home. The next day dh filed an OFP. Two days later, BM checked into treatment (she is a meth addict). Three days later, she checked out of treatment.

Monday we went to court on OFP. The judge looked at her and said "if even half of these allegations are true, you are terrifying your family." She said they're not "all true" and went on to claim that dh has been denying her access to the children, refusing her visitation, not answering the phone when she calls. The judge said "You're track record with this court is not good. You sat here and told me you're not using and then tested higher than a kite."

I am so glad that she brought my neighbor with her to see that. The family next door has been treating us just horrible because they think it's so wrong that we try to protect the kids from this PBFH.

Now she has supervised visits with the kids e/o Sat and Sun (not overnight) she has to have another adult there that they both agree on, and can't call more than once a day. These visits are conditioned upon her passing drug tests regularly. When we can see that she is determined to stay sober, and not using her time to mentally abuse the kids, dh will increase her time. She thinks that should happen really fast, and so are the kids hoping. I'm thinking at least several months.

Dh got custody of his kids a week ago. His motion for sole custody was filed on the basis of bm being a meth addict. At the hearing last month, as some of you know, she lied to the judge about it, and told dh that he would never get custody of the kids. They were both ordered to do ua's that day, and random ones until the next hearing. She tested positive for meth 3 times, and when she found out, she quit doing the random tests. The day she found out, she told the kids she is a drug addict and has been lying to them for years about it. Since then, she's told them that she quit, and wants to see them more, but dh will not let her.

She has not quit using meth, and admitted this to dh the day before the last hearing. She refuses to go to treatment. She said she would attend NA meetings, but every time dh asks her when she is going to start doing that, she just gets pissed. I realize this is not a drug website, but I am talking about it here because I am really concerned about the kids and her visitation.

The judge said that her visitation would be the same as it was before, and also said that if bm ever wants to change the custody order, she will have to go back to court and prove she's sober.

SD wants to spend more time with her mom, and keeps trying to come up with reasons to go over there a little here, little there (like needs help with homework.) Every time dh says no to this, she of course takes full advantage to make the kids resentful towards us, "See how mean he is? He's never going to let you see me. When I had custody, I let you spend extra time with your dad whenever he asked." (But she was always the one asking him to keep the kids more.)

Tues was her evening for visit with them, and she called dh 3 minutes before ss was dismissed from school and said she was at a friend's house and couldn't find her car keys to go pick him up from school. Then she spent her visit arguing with dh on the phone about picking up sd in the morning to help her study for a test. SS ended up going down to visit her neighbor, since she wasn't paying any attn to him. When they got home that night, we talked to them about this and told sd she can't just go over there whenever she wants to. We told them that she needs to get help, and until she does that, she is not going to spend any extra time with them. They were pretty upset.

I spoke to someone I know who is a meth addict that night. She is in recovery and has been sober for almost a year. I told her the can't find my keys story, and she said yeah, I used that one lots of times, just to stay and get a couple more hits. She told me bm should not have any visit at all with the kids until she gets cleaned up. In order for her to enforce visitation, she would have to take dh back to court, and she won't do that because they already know she is on meth. She also told me that bm is endangering those kids every time she drives them anywhere.

Court is next week. Bm has bee trying to settle before court, because she doesn't want to go. She is willing to give dh custody, but they can't agree on visitation. The temp court order says she gets e/o weekend and 1 eve during the week, not overnight.

Last week, she did not exercise her evening because she was going through "emotional withdrawals" and was very upset. She said to tell the kids she was sick. This week, she got the kids. She has been bringing them home between 7 and 7:30 (when she takes them) on the evening visit. This time, she told the kids to call dh at 7:30 and ask if they could spend the night with her. He said no, and they got into an argument. Then she said she was going to bring them home between 8:15 and 8:30. This was a school night, and ss normally starts getting ready for bed at 8:00 and goes to bed at 8:30. At 8:40 she called and said that ss was in the shower and sd was still working on homework. Obviously dh wasn't impressed. They were supposed to be home already, and he said sd should have been doing her homework earlier instead of playing. Then she starts laying into him about how this project she was doing should have been started sooner than that day. And she started screaming at him that sd fell asleep on the bus and she wants to know what the he** is going on over here that she is so tired. Duh! If she's concerned about her being tired, shouldn't she bring her home so she can go to bed?

There really is nothing he can do, because the co does not say a specific time that she has to return them, but she brought them back over an hour passed bedtime. Then she had the nerve to ask him if he had spoken to his atty about getting things settled before court. He said no, we're going to court. The next day, the kids said she had told them they probably wouldn't be able to go to church on Sunday because it's mother's day. The temp co says he can pick them up and bring them to church on her weekends. I asked sd if she thought mother's day was a good reason not to go to church and she said no. So I told her she should ask her mom to go to church with them if she wants to spend the morning with them.

On April 5, in court, dh was awarded temp cust w/bm having visitation e/o weekend and tue eves. Both of them were ordered to go take a drug test, and do random tests until back in court on May 12.

Last week, bm found out she failed her first test. She told dh she is giving him custody, and openly told dh and the kids that she is a drug addict and has been for years.

Friday, she refused to sign agreement drafted by dh's atty, because she wants joint legal custody. Now she is expecting him to stick to the temp order with her visitation, but is not going to take any more drug tests, or do the cd eval she was ordered to, because she already admitted she has a problem. Dh really doesn't want her taking the kids overnight, because she has made it very clear, she is doing anything to change her life or stop using drugs.

I've been posting a lot about custody problems with my 2 skids, and now I am looking for some advice from a totally different point of view about my own daughter. She's 6, her dad and I were not married, and has never tried to establish any legal visitation rights. There is a support order in place, and the amount he is supposed to pay me is very small, because he had two kids when I met him, and he pays A LOT of support to their mother.

He has never visited my daughter regularly, just comes and goes, he has tried to be regular for a couple months before, but then screws up and doesn't show up for several months. She has had 5 dance recitals, he's been to none. He's never tried to find out what school she goes to or anything. Last fall he moved to Vegas, then San Diego (I'm in MN) and never called her or anything. In August he called me to tell me that he's back in town and in jail. He actually suggested I bring my daughter to visit him there! I told him to call back when he was out of jail. In Sept he called and asked if he could d up and take her out for lunch with her sisters. I let him, and he brought her back late, and I haven't heard from him since. He has not paid cs since Sept either.

Here's the part where I want advice. I want him to just stay out of our lives. All he does is break my child's heart. She prays for him every night when she goes to bed. My dh has been a gift from God to her and she knows it, but she wants her other Daddy too. When he decides to pop back into her life again, what do I do? I don't want to be one of those parents who keeps their child from the other parent, but I truly believe she is better off without him, and if she gets her hopes up again about having a relationship with him, she is only going to get hurt again. He has no legal right to her at all, I have allowed him to see her in the past, only because I thought it would not be fair to her if I didn't. But he is an alcoholic with at least 3 or 4 dwi's and he smokes pot a lot, so I always worry about that whenever she goes with him.

I am trying to help a friend with finding a custody evaluator in St. Cloud MN. Any suggestions?

Done. No more court dates. No more paying cs for children that live in our home.
Dh got permanent sole physical custody. BM still has e/o weekend and 1 eve per week visitation. The judge said that if she ever wants to change the order, she will have to go through the court and prove that she is sober.
Dh hasn't filed for cs yet, but the county already opened a case, since we are on MA now.

Some of you know about my dh's case. Here are some of the facts. They agreed in court in Dec on joint custody. BM filed the wrong paperwork, to her advantage re cs. By the time we got to court on this issue, it was clear she was heavily using crystal meth, and so he asked for sole custody.

At the last hearing, the judge ordered them both to do random UAs, and her to do a cd eval. She gave dh temp custody, and bm e/o we visitation plus one eve a week. She was really cocky about this until she got her test results. She tested positive for meth three times, then when she found out, she quit taking the tests. She flipped out and told dh she was giving him custody, and she was leaving town. A couple days later, she decided not to leave town. She says she is going to give him custody, but is still being really controlling.

She keeps saying she wants to settle this before court, but she has all these conditions and demands about it. She will give him sole physical custody, but wants joint legal custody. She wants to keep her e/o we and make Tue eve an overnight visit. (We don't really want her to have any overnight visits at all until she goes to treatment, but are trying not to get into trouble for not sticking to what the judge ordered with the weekend visits.)

She refuses to go to treatment. She is training to become a nurse, and she believes if she goes to treatment, it will ruin her career. She says she is in counseling now, and is going to start going to NA meetings.

She was pretty confident that she passed, since she quit using 4 days before the test, but she just found out she failed it.
She walked out on the kids completely today. She's not doing anything the judge told her to do, or going back to court.

There is a new hearing scheduled to give bm a chance to obtain an atty. (She's had 3 full months) Bm and dh were both ordered to have drug tests today. She was ordered to have cd eval. Dh gets to pay for it, and choose where she has it done. We are worried that they won't take any background info when doing the eval, and she will just lie. If the judge feels that she has "proved" he is lying about her being a drug addict, she may give her full custody back when they go back to court. Can anyone help me? The next hearing is just over a month away.

She called tonight and told dh he has to get ss's pet birds right now. They had agreed that she would have visitation on Tue eves, so he said they could get them then. Then when ss called her back, she told him she was going to call the court and tell them dh could keep the kids. SS started bawling, and then she said he has to get his birds right now, or she was going to get rid of them. That really made him scared. Dh took the phone away because she was making him so upset, and she put the phone in the birdcage so they could listen to them chirping (to further scare them.) What a freak!

We have a hearing scheduled on Mon to talk to the judge about what happened on Christmas--many of you know about that. Also, since dh lost his job, we have filed a motion to have cs changed. Our atty has advsd us over and over that asking the judge to change custody would not be a good idea, because she may just give it back to bm.

But we have made the decision that dh can't sit there and LIE and say that he thinks joint custody is the best thing. Today we are submitting an affidavit detailing many of the problems in the last couple months relating to bm's crystal meth addiction. We're hoping sd will give us a picture of her from a few months ago so we can show her drastic change in appearance. BM is hiding right now, she is very paranoid, and keeps saying no one is going to see her until court.

My brother is a recovering meth addict, and he has given us lots of information from his past experience and things he has learned at his meetings. Last night I asked him if he knows how long this drug will stay in someone's system for a urine test, and what he told me is really scary. They probably will not do a follicle test, because they are very expensive. Also, he told me that he thinks 2 days, and it's out of your system. Well, if she quits 2 days before court, she will most likely be too sick to go to court. But he also told me that there are pills you can get that mask the drug and you can take them the day of the test and pass without ever quitting! I sure hope that she doesn't know how to get these.

We don't know what to expect from this hearing at all, and I'm very scared.

DH finally got a hold of someone at social services yesterday. It seems they don't feel bm did anything really wrong by leaving all the kids out in the cold locked out of the house while she was passed out. Since we just happened to be driving by (on our way out) there was somebody there to take care of them. If we hadn't been there, and all the other people on the block refused to open their door to these kids so they had to stand out there and get hypothermia, or get picked up by the sex offender living down the street, then maybe there would have been a problem.
I also can't believe that the next day she had the neighbor's kids with her after school. If I were on vacation and left someone to be responsible for my kids and that person left them at the bus stop locked out of their home, she wouldn't be responsible for my kids one minute longer! They didn't even call us to find out what happened.
We have an appointment with our atty on Wed. I'm pretty sure we can prove in court that she is habitually using methamphetamines, so I hope that he will agree that would justify US asking the judge to change the custody order. We also just found out that the guy she is spending all this time, who she was with all day Sunday and brought over to the neighbor's house Sunday night, is under federal investigation for manufacturing meth. But of course, if we start telling people who we know about this, we will just look like gossips who are trying to make her look bad.