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Messages - redbabyblue70

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General Issues / Relocation- custody concerns.
« on: Jul 21, 2011, 06:10:39 PM »
I am hoping for some help/suggestions/guidance from anyone that may be or has been in this situation.  My husband and his former wife have a custody arrangement in the state of PA  with a 50/50 shared joint and physical custody of their three children.  My husband has been looking for full time permanent work for almost three years now in our area and has had no success.  He has found temporary work, but not permanent work.  Thankfully, I have a job that provides medical benefits.  I also cover the children since both my husband and his former wife do not have jobs that provide adequate health coverage for their children.  The company I work for has locations throughout the United States and in Germany.  We decided to research what positions are available in different states (preferably where it is not as cold as it is here).  I found a position that is open in our Dallas, TX office. 
Here comes the questions:
1) How do you go about sharing custody when you move outside of the state where right now both parents live?  Per the custody order, he is required to inform the county and his former wife of his relocation. 
We feel this move will be in the best interest of our family.  Jobs seems to be more plentiful in this location.  We also feel the school district in Texas is a great improvement compared to the school district the children currently attend. 
We both feel his former wife is not going to cooperate with us once we inform her of our decision.  We hope to inform her of all the good points, and come to an arrangement where the children live with us for the school year (with visitation to her during holidays) and then live with her during the summer months.
Has anyone ever gone through a move where one parent lives in one state, and the other parent lives in another state, where an original custody order is a 50/50 arrangement?

It seems like ROFR is applied differently depending on each independent CO.  In our case, when BM and BF were still husband and wife, they worked opposite schedules so they did not have to pay for daycare.  Their work schedules were the same once they separated.  ROFR was added because BM was going to other people FIRST before going to BF to take care of his own children.  He always made her aware of his work schedule and would offer the children to her FIRST before the children remained with me (then g/f, now stepmother).  She NEVER took the children when they were offered to her.  Also, it became a regular scenerio for the children to be with me more often then they were with their mother.  She never attempted to modify her work schedule to be off the weekends when the children are with her. 

ROFR can be a good thing.  In our case, it allowed my husband additional time with his children.  The children learned that work was NOT the most important thing to their father, spending quality time with THEM was the most important thing to him.  He works so he is able to provide their basic needs. 

I agree, if she is not aware of ROFR by now, she won't try to have it added to your current CO. 

I know things are rough right now, but try to stay positive and keep doing what is in the best interest of your children.  That is what your children will remember in the end.

Second Families / Re: On being a step-mom...
« on: Nov 03, 2009, 08:50:28 PM »

When we got married, SS asked a lot of questions, especially since BM got remarried exactly 2 weeks after we did.  Our explanation to him was that he wasn't losing his parents, but that he had two more people in his life that loved him very much.  That was very reassuring to him.  I've always believed in the saying that you have to love your children more than you hate your ex.........that one aspect alone would go a long way in mending any animosity between step-families.   

This is EXACTLY how I feel and how we have treated our situation.  I became a step mom on October 24th, 2009, and it is an honor I take very seriously.  His three children may not be children of my body, but they are children of my heart.  I am not here to take their mother's place, I am here as an additional adult that loves them and wants only the best for them. 
My husband asked his children permission to marry me and would not do it until all three agreed to it.  Again, we selected our wedding date, we brought the children into our special day by having them be important wedding party members (bridesmaid, flower girl, and ring bearer/usher.)

Trust me, it was a hard decision to start dating someone that had three children with someone else.  You are not just becoming involved with him, you are becoming involved with the children AND their mother.  I have had my moments, where I was worried it wasn't going to work out, that I couldn't handle it.  I have no regrets and all has worked out in the end.

My own father remarried, and he did not handle his situation this way.  He basicly said, here is the new woman in my life, accept her, or else.  My stepmother is only 11 years older then me.  She was more of another sister/friend then she was mother.  When she became pregnant and had a child of her own, she made me become the outsider of their family unit, and that broke my heart.  This is why I had issues in the beginning with being with someone that had children. 

We have decided that if God wills it, we may have a child of our own.  I have sworn to myself, that I will not treat my own child any different then I will treat my stepchildren.  I won't do to them what my stepmother did to me.

Custody Issues / Re: Fair custody proposal?
« on: Nov 03, 2009, 08:31:24 PM »
Curious- I believe what she means is if you do not have it in writing (court documentation) to be presented at the hearing, the judge may not listen to your issue(s).

Personally, I do not think you are being unreasonable at this point. I totally agree with you, he is trying to make sure he has more overnights then you do so it eliminates the CS.  This is such a touchy situation.  If he was more involved, I could understand his issues as well as yours.  But, from everything you have said, he is not that involved with his son's life, he just doesn't like to lose.

Back to my favorite saying, what goes around, comes around.  Hope it went well.

Congrats to you and your son!  I totally believe what goes around, comes around.  We have recently had some rejoicing to do as well, after three years of agony, false allegations, etc.  It is hard to remember in the heat of the moment, but overall, all both parents should be concerned with is what is in the best interest of their child/children.  I know, easier said, then done.

God Bless.

That stinks.  I really, really have grown to hate the court system.  The custody office in our county has treated my husband badly every time he goes up there (which really has not been that often).  I feel they hate all men and resented the fact he was filing this motion on his own versus using a lawyer. 

Thanks for the advice MrCustodyCoach- I will advise my husband to make sure that is reiterated in the hearing.  It states in the current order that neither of them are allowed to move out of our county without notifying the other parent and the court in writing.

Thanks Curious!  How are you?  Have things improved at all?

Hi All,
It has been a while since I have posted and a lot has changed.  I am happy to say it is almost all for the better!!!!  First of all, I am no longer just the G/F / Fiance', I am non custodial dad's wife, as of October 24th!!!  I know that doesn't give me more rights, and now gives me the lovely title of "stepmom" to his three wonderful children, but to me, it means the world.  Even though his children are not children of my body, they are children of my heart.  Like the movie 'Stepmom' BM and I have come to terms.  We didn't have the exact same pettiness as in the movie.  Actually, BM was harder on BD then on me, which drives me crazy. 
We filed for a modification to the CO.  That hearing is on November 19th.  We explained to BM we are not looking to change anything, we just want in writing what has been happening all along.  We have the children 50% of the time and she has them 50% of the time.  I am thinking she will not fight it, but one just never knows. 
BM had also filed a new order for child support (previously she had agreed to no support since sharing custody).  She stated she did not do this willingly, that because she went for public assistance, she is required to go after BD for support.  We went to domestic relations to have the hearing date continued to AFTER the modification of CO hearing, and though and behold, we find out public assistance would only require a filing of child support if she was going for CASH assistance.  There was no paper for cash assistance.   Needless to say (see why I do not trust her still), we confronted her on it, and also explained to her, if the hearing goes through, she may end up paying support to BD, since he is making less then half of her income.  She elected on her own to stop the request for child support.  What it all boils down to is the fact her B/F is not working, is unable to collect unemployment, and she is having a hard time making ends meet.  Our financial situation is a little better then that, we at least, are both working, but at reduced earnings.  I was laid off and just recently obtained a new position (but at a MUCH lower salary) and my husband's hours have been cut back by his "full" time job.  He is currently working two part time jobs.  OH, btw, I also agreed to insure all three children under MY medical/dental insurance.  I think that is also a major reason why she agreed to drop the child support issue.
On a positive note, all three children were in our wedding, that we planned in less then a month, and were happy to be part of it.  Younger two children were ring bearer and flower girl. Other daughter was a bridesmaid.  We ended up having a small church wedding, so the children could be part of the celebration.  They seem to be thrilled that I now have the same last name that they have.  Everything seems to have fallen into place, and I am so very happy.  I realize everything could change if BM gets upset about something.  I have decided not to let it bother me as much..or to try not to anyway.  All we (BD and I) care about are the children  being cared for and they are happy. 

Thank you all for the advice, esp about the Robi comb.  I need to look into that.  Things have gotten much better since we petitioned the court for a modification to the custody order.  BM has dropped the child support request when she was informed she may have to pay child support to my husband (yes he is my husband now as of October 24th!) since her income is higher then his income.  The hearing for the modification to the CO is on November 19th.  I am hoping that goes well as well.  We had an hour and a half discussion with BM and her BF about the children and the lice situation, among other things.  Believe it or not, it was an eye opening experience.  I still don't trust her, but I am more then willing to work with her because it is what is in the BEST interest of the children. 
I also will look into going to C & Y and making the request to be totally investigated.  BM's stepsister seems to possibly be the source of complaints against us.  BM has an on again off again relationship with her stepsister and every time they are off again, we suffer for it with complaints to C & Y.  It just feels like harassment at this point.

Wow, I am so sorry to hear that you and your children are in this situation.  You indicated that you have done some awful stuff to get her to stop.  Unfortunately, none of it will work if she doesn't want to stop.  She has to wake up and smell the coffee on her own.  Have you located an Alnon group in your area?  It may help you and your children. 
Unfortunately, there is no way to guarantee that you will end up with sole custody of your children.  Your affair has more to do with a divorce situation then it does with custody- as far as I am aware of- understand, I am by no means an attorney- just speaking from my life experiences.  You may want to contact an attorney, to see what your options are.  You definitely have to put your children first.  Seeing their mom this way is definitely going to affect them.
Best of luck to you and your family.

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