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Messages - stressedoutmom

#21
Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
Nov 29, 2009, 09:53:05 AM
Thanks for your help.  You guys are probably right.  He might not want to rock the boat but on the other hand I don't want to rock it either.  Our CO technically says he has to have 8 consecutive visits before he can be alone with her so maybe that's what he is waiting for.  We have only had 4 visits but since all is going so well I would be willing to start now.  He has never been particularly good and saying what he wants.  I've heard a lot of I don't knows and I haven't thought about its over the past 3+ years which is another reason why I was surprised when he actually contacted me to start having visits with our daughter. 

On another note, I just got an email from a mutual friend of ours.  Mutual friend said that he had talked to BF and he said that he is visiting now and he told our friend things were going well.   Then our friend asked me if there was a chance that BF and I would ever get back together.  I hope that  is just a random thought thrown out and not something BF put him up to asking.  BF and I are over.   
#22
Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
Nov 29, 2009, 07:52:34 AM
BF and I did sit down and talk before he started seeing her.  We talked about how we are both going to need to be able to communicate and be on the same page and that mom and dad need to enforce the same page.  We both were in agreement about that.  I also told him that for the last 3 years I have made all of the decisions and rules on my own so if there are rules that he thinks are unnecessary or need to be changed that we can discuss them and come to an agreement instead of having two sets of rules.  Right now things are going better than I could ever have hoped for.  He and I are actually talking to each other.  I was worried at first that he would just be the play mate and that I would be the one to enforce the rules.  But when he comes over to visit he does have her pick up toys, etc.  She really is a pretty good kid so she doesn't normally require a lot of discipline.  It's just the whole doing things as a "family" that weirds me out.  I'm not opposed to her going to his house or working up to overnight visits.  But before that happens he needs to actually buy some toys so she would have something to do over there and he needs to toddler proof his house.  I think that I was just so caught off guard that after 3 years he decided he wanted to see her and then that everything is going so well.  I am afraid to bring it up because I don't want to seem like I am pushing him in to something that he might not be ready for and then have things switch from going great to not going so well.  So I guess that at our next visit we will just have to discuss it and see what his response is.  Hopefully if he is ready we can sit down and further discuss rules.  And if he is not ready then hopefully he will be honest and we can work toward getting him ready. 
#23
Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
Nov 28, 2009, 08:25:04 PM
So I thought I would take a minute and give an update.  So we had our second visit with dad.  We went to the park for a bit then he came over and played until bed time.  My daughter dressed up in her Cinderella dress and turned on her princess CD and had her dad dancing with her.  It was the most adorable thing and I was able to snap a few good pics.  They were both smiling from ear to ear.  We also had another visit Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  I asked him to come over and entertain her so I could bake for Thanksgiving.  And today we went to the zoo.  Everything is going much better than I had ever hoped for.  They are getting along great!

While things are going well between them things are weird.  He and I went from not speaking for 3 years to being friendly and being able to talk to one another.  But it is weird for the 3 of us to sit down at the dinner table when he comes over.  And it was definately weird for the 3 of us to be at the zoo together today.  Sitting down to dinner and trips to the zoo are things that a family does together and so it just seems weird for us to be doing these things together since he and I are not together.  I just kind of deal with the awkwardness since I'm trying to make her feel comfortable.  But I think at some point the two of them need to start doing things without me.  I don't want to push him in to being alone with her before he is ready.  So I've just kind of been waiting for an indication from him that he is ready.  He hasn't really said anything about taking her by himself or having her visit at his house or anything to that effect so maybe he's not ready for that.  Any thoughts??
#24
Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
Nov 18, 2009, 06:08:47 PM
So I thought I would give you guys the update.  So I've spent the last few days trying to prepare my daughter to meet her dad.  We've spent some time talking about dads in general and then specifically her dad.  So tonight he came over.  He brought her a princess balloon which of course was a good move on his part.  The visit was amazing.  She is usually shy and a little slow to open up to new people but not him.  I don't know if it was just the instant connection between parents and children or if it was the princess balloon.  They laid on the floor and colored together, sang songs together and she even had him crawling on his hands and knees so she could ride him like a pony.  I just kind of stepped back and let the two of them play together but she knew that I was there.  I couldn't have asked for it to go any better.  We all three had smiles on our faces the whole time.  He wants to come over again on Friday.  Personally, I think it is a little soon but I agreed to it because I think she has been without him for 3 1/2 years so if this is what it will take to get their relationship off to to a good start then that's what we will do.  I'm so excited that it went so well, I just hope it continues!
#25
Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
Nov 13, 2009, 12:38:37 PM
Things yesterday went way better than I ever could have imagined!  I did ask him why he all of a sudden decided that he wanted to see her.  He told me that it isn't all of a sudden and that he's wanted to see her for a long time but he was scared and didn't really know how to ask or how I would react.  He also said he did it now because he wanted to do it before its too late.  I gave him credit and told him that I'm sure it was a hard message for him to write.  He said he had written it many times but never hit the send button.  I still think that there is some other underlying reason as to why he decided to do it now but whatever it is he is he apparently doesn't want to share right now and I'm not going to push the issue.  If whatever it is can bring about a positive relationship between the two of them I don't really care what it is.

I told him that I was concerned about his level of committment.  I told him that I don't want to see her devestated because we introduce him to her and then he stops seeing her.  He assures me that he is committed to this and that won't happen.  I have nothing to go on but his word and have no reason to believe he was insincere.  In the past when he would give you his word he would stick by it.  The problem back then was getting him to express what he wanted. 

We also talked about how the two of us are going to need to be able to communicate open and honestly with each other so as things come up we can address them together as parents and not be the parents that can't stand to be in the same room with each other. 

Overall, I am very happy with the way the conversation went.  I think it was good for both of us to talk to each other and I think it will be beneficial to her.  We have a plan to meet at the park next week, pending the weather cooperates. 

My daughter was at her gymnastics class when he and I talked and she had no idea that I was going to talk to her dad.  I was very careful not to say anything around her until after he and I had talked.  So after gym class my daughter and I were shopping and out of no where she started saying things like Where's my dad?  What's he doing?  It's almost like she had a sixth sense or something.  But at least it opened up a conversation between her and I about her dad and if she would like to meet him, etc. 
#26
Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
Nov 12, 2009, 08:05:34 AM
Giggles, Thank you so much for your post.  I needed to hear that things can work out for the best.  I'm sorry that it took a death in the family for it to work out but none the less I'm glad it did. 

I am trying to hard to go in to this with a positive and encouraging attitude but still have doubts in the back of my head and trying to figure out what all of a sudden changed his mind.  I may never know that and really its not important.  What is important now is how we move forward.  He and I haven't talked to each other in over 3 years so I'm a little nervous on how everything is going to go.  I am glad that he agreed to meet with me first so that we can together figure out what is the best way to introduce them.  I do want his input on what would make him comfortable and I know what ideas I have as to what would make her comfortable.  The more comfortable he is the more likely he is to continue to see her.  I am also hoping that since he and I are going to sit down today for the first time in 3 years that we can get some of the awkwardness between the two of us out of the way so we will both be more relaxed when they do meet each other.

I'll keep you posted with how this goes.  Thank you all for your support! 
#27
Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
Nov 11, 2009, 01:24:44 PM
My daughter and I have had the conversation about how some mommys and daddys don't live together.  She has commented to me that she doesn't have a dad and I do tell her that she does but he just doesn't live with us.  I do get her involved with his family even though he hasn't wanted to be in her life until now.  I do take our daughter over to visit his mother.  It was not necessarily comfortable for me in the beginning but I felt it was what was best for my daughter.   

To be completely honest I would much rather she not know him at all then have him be around once in a while.  I just don't want her to ever think that he is not around because he doesn't like her or that she has done something wrong.  And if he doesn't know him then him not being around can't be because he doesn't like her or she has done anything wrong.  But more than anything I would love for her to have a great relationship with her father and I'm totally willing to do what I can to make that happen.   

He has finally gotten back to me and he and I are going to talk tomorrow so hopefully that goes well.  And even if it goes poorly, I'll figure out a way to make the best of a bad situation to try to do what's best for my daughter!   I am trying very hard to be positive and encouraging and am totally willing to accept input from him as to how to do this to make everyone comfortable.  I'm excited because I truly think this has the potential to be a great thing but I am also very nervous because I just don't want to see my little girl get hurt. 

You all have been so helpful in helping me to see things from all different angles.  Thank you all and wish me luck tomorrow.
#28
Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
Nov 11, 2009, 08:51:27 AM
Okay so here's the update.  So my daughters father had an excuse for every time I suggested we sit down and talk and try to get this figured out so he can start seeing her.  In his last message to me he said to give him so times that I would be available and he would call me.  I have given him numerous times and he has yet to call.  In my previous messages back and forth to him I have told him that I am glad that he had decided that he wants to be a part of her life and I have been very positive and encouraging.  I really don't think that he expected this from me as I can be a major B&$%@ when I want to.  I really do think him being involved in her life would be a great thing for her.  I am open to talking over the phone instead of in person as I realize that I can be a little intimidating at times or at least used to be.  I'm a totally different person now than I was 3 1/2 years ago.  I am taking his lack of getting back to me as a sign that he really isn't committed to doing this.  Am I wrong?  The last thing I want is to introduce him and them have him be gone again.  I've even talked with our doctor about this and she says that to introduce him and them have him visit once or twice and be gone again would be worse than just not introducing him at all.  I really want my daughter to have a relationship with her father and I am willing to do anything I can to make that happen but when he isn't following through what I am supposed to do?
#29
Visitation Issues / Re: First visitation
Nov 09, 2009, 01:49:35 PM
Thanks asof2005 for your encouraging words!

I can't honestly tell you the last time he and I have spoken to each other.  I really don't have any ill will toward him but I can't speak to what his feelings are.  I'm sure he found it less than pleasant to be taken to court for child support but other than that we really never fought with each other just kind of stopped speaking.  I want to sit down and find out what his expectations are before we start this.  If he even thinks for one minute that I am just going to drop her off at his house for a couple of hours he is surely mistaken.  He is a stranger to her and I hope that he is ready to go in to this with that understanding.  Per our parenting plan he has to have supervised visits in an evironment familiar to her.  I do think that she needs to have a relationship with both her mother and father so I really do find his sudden interest as a good thing although a little odd.  I hope that he is committed to this and not just going to see her once or twice because I'm sure she would be devastated to find out that she really does have a dad and then see him once or twice and never again.  I just want to figure out the best way to make it work out for all involved.  Or are my expectations too high?
#30
Visitation Issues / First visitation
Nov 09, 2009, 01:20:23 PM
I need some help and I'm hoping that some one has been through something similar before.  I have a 3 year old daughter.  Her father and I are not together and haven't been since pregnancy.  During my pregnancy I tried to keep him involved by iniviting him to doc appts, etc.  I was induced and tried to get him to be at the hospital for the birth but he was not interested.  After she was born I again tried to get him to see her. 

I got tired of trying and told him to let me know if he wanted to see her.  We ended up getting attorneys involved and got child support established.  During that process I had my attorney draw up and include a parenting plan so that if he decided that he wanted visitation later we would not have to go back to court and fight about it.  Now that she is 3 1/2 he has all of a sudden out of the blue emailed me that he would like to start seeing her.  I suggested that we sit down and talk before that happen and he has an excuse for every time that I suggest. 

Our parenting plan is pretty specific about how many visits he has to have before he can ever be alone with her, etc.  I am not worried about her safety while with him.  He is great with kids.  I just don't understand how you just wake up one day and decide that you want to be a parent now.  My daughter sees other kids' dads picking them up from daycare and at their soccer games, etc.  My daughter told me on several occasions that she doesn't have a dad.  This is from her reasoning in her head not from anything that I have told her. 

When she says this I do tell her that she does have a dad and that he just doesn't live with us and she usually changes the subject after that.  How do you introduce a 3 y/o to their dad who has never been there?