Messages

Hi guys. 

I was just thinking of my role as a stepmom to skids.

IMHO, a stepparent is just that, a person who steps in from time when either parent is not around, or even when they are around - to assist in the nurturing and upbringing of that child.  All egos aside, its about the children.

We have just spent a month with DH girls, and I don't get how anyone, biological or not, could treat them the way that they have been treated.

They are sad to go home, but I feel like we might be more vested in that feeling than they are.  CO will go back to every other weekend, but I just miss them being here when I get off of work and just seeing what's on their mind.

Thanks for listening

I agree with Ocean.

Also, at some point soon, your friend is going to need to file in court.

If she can prove the abuse, and get notarized letters, perhaps medical records, then it will at least be on record.

Its inevitable, the children will need to see their father.  Perhaps she can petition the court for supervised visitation, IF she has proof of the abuse.

Howdy!

I agree with you.  SPARC helped out me and my DH in October of last year when the school wouldn't give us any info.  I tweaked a letter that they have for schools and FOIL ACTs.

We got the answer we were looking for the next morning.

I've also recently found that people on here are very experienced in many areas of new families, custody and visitation issues, etc.

The STEP FAMILIES forum, I wish I would've known about it beginning January 19, 2009.

Anyhoo, if you ever want to chat, give me a holler.

[English]

 

Depending on what language they are fluent in, is there any possibility of getting an interpreter (maybe an acquaintence of the g-parents?) to accompany a get-together?  It would especially help so that they can converse with the kids....and maybe it would give you and DH an opportunity to let them know how you feel about what's going on, as well.  That way they can hear it directly from you (and not BM) and there is no miscommunication due to a language barrier.

My DH and I both speak Spanish, which is their primary language.  But during court, and when the court documents get handed to the mother, you can hear her saying at least to the grandmother, "Oh, these stupid courts, they are saying no matter what, if he's a child molester or not, he still gets f***ing visitation." and numerous other derogatory things to that effect.

Bio-mom or a friend of hers, who all so conveniently translated a letter that was supposedly from us, written in English, to the grandmother in Spanish, the day before court, begged her mother not to call the police.     If you received a letter reportedly saying that someone was going to do bodily harm to you, wouldn't you want to have the police involved? Bio-mom has gone to the police any other time with no problems.  "Excuse me Officer, I'd like to make a report of verbal abuse."  (Because my DH told her give the kids a bath every day, not just when they go someplace special) "Excuse me Officer, I'd like to make a report of kidnapping against stepmom. No? Just because my ex was the one who gave her authorization to take her off of the bus? Oh? Then I'd like to make a report against him. Thank you." "Excuse me Officer, my daughter who is only four years old, told me that her father makes her feel "uncomfortable" and my ex sticks his fingers into her vagina, sometimes two and three at a time. Yes! I'd LOVE to make a report."

Biomom takes advantage of the fact that her parents do not speak English, at least with what has been going on lately.  There is so much tension with her latest allegation.  There is nothing else that can explain why her parents, who came inside of our home, sat down and had coffee with us, and even divulged to us that their daughter is such a pig, she is a horrible excuse for a parent, if it ever came down to her losing custody, they would share custody with DH.

But blood is thicker than water, because it seems like ALL of her family including her estranged brother and sister, now are coming to court with her, etc.

We need to move.

[an additional parental figure]

I want to comment based on the degrading term "Sperm Donor".

In August 2009 Bio-mom posted "These kids need to go with their sperm donor like ASAP."

As a Bio-father and Step-mom team who are actively involved with the children, Bio-mom just plain doesn't like me, and can't stand the fact that my DH is STILL in their children's lives, when after all accounts of things she has done - its a wonder where we get the strength to still fight.

I am also the child of a father who was never around, and a stepfather who was, but had poop for brains about being a father.  I wish that my father had been given the OPPORTUNITY to do more, or be around more - because my mother and new step-father thought it was best if I had a "ready made family".  Regardless of what the truth is in your situation, your step-daughter will always have a biological father.  Your job, as a step-father is to be an additional parental figure and someone your SD can look up to.  Parents, bios or steps, who care about the well being of their children, and put aside their egos, will bend over backwards to make sure that the child comes first.  She doesn't know what's going on at three years of age, and won't be able to make any rationalizations about how this is affecting her until she is at least a preteen.  (ex. When I was 9 years old, my father called me for the first time in four years, - I was mad and said I didn't want to speak to him, because I knew it would hurt my mother and step-father's FEELINGS, I was the one who went in my room and cried, because I was confused.  I missed my dad so much, and really wanted to talk to him.

Regardless of how you feel, because feelings are just that - you, bio-dad, your girlfriend and THEIR child, have to co-exist.  You will just really have to get over it if you plan on being around for the long haul.

Hi Simplydad & Tigger

-whew- thanks.  Its cool to come on here and actually talk to people who have gone through similar situations or know enough about it to comment/give advice.  It is such a drain to talk about this with your family and friends especially if they don't understand or think that all problems can be solved if everyone puts aside their egos".  I like talking to Ocean as well.  When you are in a situation, and even if you are mild-tempered or level-headed; it is still difficult to see if there is anything you can change about how you've handled or are handling the situation.

This woman is truly hot and cold.  One minute she wants everyone's participation in the enrichment of her children's lives, and then what seems like a temper tantrum ensues.

DH and I believe that it is a control issue, but mostly Biomom trying to do DAMAGE CONTROL.  Her parents do not speak English -or just the basics-, and she may very well have them still believing that my DH is guilty and I am still the supervisor for the visitation.  They do not understand what is going on in court.

I think biomom was devastated to not be able to bring the children directly to the parents, because its not like she can say, "Oh, I begged him to let you guys see them, and LOOK how THEY are tearing this family apart. They won't let you speak to the kids or see them out of spite." - which would coincide with her lie to us that the grandparents did not want to see them.  She's trying to play both sides.

I'm sure that what is done in darkness will be brought to light, but it just seems like they're still in the dark and its taking them an awfully long time to find the light.

Hi all,

As you may or may not know, the grandparents to my SDs (5 and 7) supposedly told bio-mom (according to her of course) that they did not want to see or speak to the girls until the girls returned home to their mother.

That struck me as odd.  But its not really our job to figure out if bio-mom is lying yet again.

So I was followed into the grocery store by the grandmother - I mean seriously we live two blocks from them, so I always end up passing by their house to get to the main street of where we live-  I passed by her while she was sitting on her porch and then all of a sudden, she is behind me pushing an empty cart in the produce aisle.  She looks at SD2 like she wants to cry, so I tell SD2 "say hi".  They both wave to each other.  I think it was ridiculous that you haven't seen your grand kids in two and a half weeks and you only exchange a wave, so I take SD2 out of the shopping cart and tell her to give her grandma a hug and kiss.

Grandmother purchased a pack of cheese. - Random.

I tell my DH what transpired.  He says "its funny, because biomom has just text him saying she wanted to say hi to the kids."  He text her back to ask her to reconsider taking the kids to see their grandparents.  All of a sudden she says yeah okay.  After this whole e-mail exchange about "its their decision, and its not my fault they don't want to see the grand kids."  We have to wait until SD1 comes back from church with her aunt, so DH tells bio-mom he will call her in about 2 hours.

I suggest to him, that we should reach out to grandparents one more time.  And grandfather picks up the phone.  My DH explains to him, that he is not calling about drama, although he feels this "threatening letter the grandmother supposedly received is something invented by bio mom or her friends."  We just want them to see the girls, and grandfather says immediately, "can we meet at the park???"  My DH decided that they can hangout with the grandparents for two hours.

Bio mom text DH that she will be ready in 30 minutes to pickup the kids, and DH text back that they are already with grandfather.

Would it be wrong of us, during my DH's parenting time to deal directly with her parents?

[GAVE]

IMO, if your DH gives in, it will never stop unless something catastrophic happens.

I agree with everyone else, it's better to nip it in the bud now.

September 2009, I purchased uniforms to last my SD two weeks, but I paid for it with my credit card and I kept the receipt.  Biomom claimed that some of the shirts were too big.  So my DH picked them up and WE exchanged them.

However, on the flipside of that, LAST year my DH GAVE her $100 for one child because Biomom said she wasn't used to paying for two kids, since SD2 just started pre-k.  SD1 is going to 3rd grade. What did he do that for?  Biomom called on the kid's weekend with their dad, and asked if we could take the kids to school on Monday because her flight from FLORIDA is delayed.

:/

She didn't have money for her children's incidentals, but she had money to go to Florida.

This lady is off her rocker.

I know the advice given to me two weeks ago was to only contact BM in case of emergency, but on Saturday, I wrote to her to let her know it was okay to call the house sometimes for the kids, instead of making it into some kind of chore for the kids to call their mother. -Side note, we decided to have them call her every other day, because it was becoming redundant... "I think you should call your mom and say 'hi'."  "ummm... can we do it later? or I don't want to."  - left up to the children (5 & almost 8 -) they'd never call her.

Then, my DH text her yesterday so she could provide us with the correct number to the grandmother and father, whom the kids are with everyday prior to this month long visiting time.  BM replied "They will speak with their grandparents when they come back from your house."  Now, I don't know if this is the truth or a lie, because they g'parents have such a strong bond with the girls.  So I wrote her an e-mail and said "Its important for the kids to continue relationships with all adults that they love and who love them while being at our house." (I don't think we should live in this fantasy world of having the luxury to not have to interact with their family, and I wouldn't pin that on the kids either, that this is the way its going to be when you come to dad's house.) I asked BM doesn't she think all adults should put differences aside and have positive interactions concerning the kids and especially in front of the kids.

She replies "I put my differences aside a long time ago."  (WHAT!!!!!!! in March when ACS, Special Victims Unit and the Forensic Psychologist said that my husband did NOT sexually molest his daughters???) She goes on to say "If that were the case, then I wouldn't have allowed the girls to have this visiting time with YOU and their FATHER."

Where's the I DIE button on this forum.  Is she serious?? I think she is.  I wanted to reply so bad, 1st of all sweetie, a JUDGE ordered that the father have makeup time with the kids, not you.  The only reason you agreed is because you thought that would be enough, and that he would drop the full custody suit, essentially allowing you to get off scottfree with your false allegation.  You were sorely disappointed when our attorney said "That's great your honor, we know the kids and their father are looking forward to making up missed time.  At this time, we'd like to move forward to trial for full custody." Your face fell, and you looked devastated. 

If she wants to be real, and if I had the emotional intelligence of a grade school child, that's what I would have replied back.  But I just wanted to share my aggravation.  She feels "uncomfortable" talking to my DH, because she lied about the sexual molestation, and now she feels like its easier to speak with me.  But I just feel like I'm so done with her pretentious, self-righteous indignation.

I don't have to deal with her, so I don't know why I feel so guilty if I DON'T keep her involved or keep her in the loop.

I do cartwheels now.  We get the kids beginning this Friday, until right before school.

Ocean, crazy ain't the word.  I sincerely think she suffers from a borderline personality disorder.  There was an "incident" the day before court in which supposedly a "threatening letter" was mailed to her mother's house "threatening their lives from someone with our last name."

I really believe that it was a ploy by Bio mom to stir us off the pot.  It's been almost 6 years... why start writing letters now when everything is in our favor? If you ask me, I think she mailed it to her mother herself. :/ because people in her family are starting to question the authenticity of her allegations.

We're Christian, but she believes in another religion - the rituals that they do... we've filed contempt, contempt, contempt. - so as far as religion that will be tricky.

She also moved in May 2010, but never notified us that she moved.  We found out because the school updated their records in September 2010.  That could count against her, because of that and she forbade the children to tell us where they lived.

My husband has joint LEGAL custody - she also changed their school during that time, and didn't tell him.

Scribbling imperative contact information from the emergency card and writing "father not allowed to pick up child", and she was too busy being sneaky that she wrote her OWN cell phone number wrong, transposing the last four digits. - which we already gave a copy of the card to our lawyer.

So surprise surprise, when bio-mom forgets that the 7 year old, (then 6 years old) has a half a day, she isn't contacted, because the new school thinks her number is something else, and the father isn't contacted, because she's ABROGATED (I love that word) the court order by saying he's not allowed to have contact.

I hope we have enough with all the above, coupled with the false police report she made the day she forgot her daughter on the bus for four hours, citing that my husband and I are trying to "kidnap" her kids, as well as the more recent allegations of sexual abuse that were unfounded by three different agencies.

I just can't wait to show these girls that there is this WHOLE WORLD where people do NOT discuss "baby mama drama" and that this drama that we are currently going through is not a normal thing at all.