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Author Topic: My heart is breaking..how do I cope with this decision?  (Read 2491 times)


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My heart is breaking..how do I cope with this decision?
« on: Aug 22, 2004, 02:51:58 PM »
I've been divorced for about a year now, separated for a few years.  My son is almost 5 years old.  I live in PA where I have absolutely no family.  I moved here to be with my ex, and we had a child. My ex has a wonderful, large family.  I chose to leave our home and leave my ex in it, so that my son wouldn't lose the only home he's ever known, as well as his little friends down the street that he plays with.  I struggled with that decision for a while, and while it WASN'T best for me, I decided it was best for him, and that's what I did..I moved into my own place.

I've since moved in with a wonderful man, whom I love very much.  He works about 2 hours from my ex's house and as a compromise, when we moved in together, we moved only about 40 mins from my ex, and my boyfriend commutes over an hour to work every day.  My son is having issues with me and my new house.  He doesn't want to be here, basically.  He, of course, would rather be with his dad and his house, where most of his toys and all of his friends are.  He is an only child, ans really does need his friends.  I had him every week for a few days and I felt that was too much for him.  He starting saying he didn't want to be here, and when I called his dad's house, he wouldn't even want to talk to me.  I cut his visits with me down to every other week, and things went wonderfully!!  He actually wanted to be here and he was the best little guy in the world.  Well, now we went back to every week, and well, it's a disaster again.  He doesn't want to be here and cries when his dad tells him I'm coming.

I've decided that it is best for him to live with his father.  It absolutel tears my heart out to say that, but its true.  He's a very involved dad and Cody has a great big family for security and stability. All I have is me, my boyfriend and my 2 cats.  His friends aren't here and I have absolutely no family here for him.   I've decided that me seeing him every other weekend is what is best for him.  Not best for me, mind you, it breaks my heart.  I love my son with everything in my body, and I feel like I'm not even his mom any more.  I'm just someone who he's gonna see every other week.

Will he grow up knowing that I love him more than anything, and I did this for him?  Will he resent me?  What can I do to make sure he knows he is loved and I am not abandoning him?  How do I convey this to him so he is not insecure about my feelings for him?

I am so distraught over this.  I feel this is best for him, but I want to to make sure he grows up knowing that even though I left his home and his dad, I still love him as much as I ever did.

Any insight?  Am I doing the right thing for him?  How do I live with this decision?

Thank you so much



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RE: My heart is breaking..how do I cope with this decision?
« Reply #1 on: Aug 22, 2004, 04:26:40 PM »
I am no expert, but a NCM for 6 yrs now.  And from my experience.....
I also felt it best for the kids to be with their father, at the time...
When their dad met a "woman" on the internet and moved them 3+ hours away, all h#ll broke loose.

My point is, make sure you are covered in the agreement.  I also spent at least 3 nights a week plus at least EOW with the kids when we lived in the same area.  Then when he moved away it is nothing short of "pulling teeth" to get any extra time with my children.  Including try to even have a phone conversation with them once a week.

I get them EOW, 6 weeks in summer, every Spring Break and soon (due to new agreement) one week at Christmas.

A year ago I decided to mover closer.  I am now only 1+ hour away.  I know there are times the kids are having "fun" at their father's house and don't feel like coming to visit me.  And at first, that was difficult to deal with.  However, remember they are young. (mine are now 10 & 7)  To children younger it is who is more fun at the time.

As long as you let your son know that you love him when he is with you and SHOW him that, not just say it, he will see the truth.  

I have my children's stepmother to deal with, it doesn't sound like you do, yet.  

So PLEASE, just to be safe, cover yourself in the "official" capacity before the ex tries to move for any reason.  And yes, my ex was in the same town as all of his family and I wasn't.  However, somehow this woman convinced him her small town (with no family) would be better for him and my children.  
And yes, again, I did attempt to stop him from moving.  After $2500 and a lousy lawyer he moved anyways.

I guess all I am saying is this... YES, your child will always know you love him as long as you take the time to let him know that.  AND...
Make sure you are covered.  I know you are thinking "there is no way my ex would move away from family".  That's what I thought too.  We even had a "verbal" agreement to that, but it wasn't enough.

My children know I love them and have no doubt about that (that I know of), but I have had to make sure to spend quality time playing, talking and whatever else they need from me to make sure they know that.

And in closing (I AM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG, but my kids just left from the last summer visit) I will admit it doesn't get much easier on my heart either.  I feel like a terrible mom and a few people have mad sure I felt that way for a while, but now the majority of the people who know the WHOLE story believe that AT THE TIME it was the best thing.

That's the beauty of court, the decission can be reversed if/when it deams neccessary!

Best of luck to you. I feel your pain right now as I was feeling the same not 4 years ago.


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RE: My heart is breaking..how do I cope with this decision?
« Reply #2 on: Aug 22, 2004, 06:35:41 PM »
Excellent advice.


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