Reasonable Expectations

[Butterfly]

For the most part, I find that one of my greatest weaknesses is caring about what other people think of me as a mother.  As much as I'd like to shout to the world, "I don't care what you think. You are NOT my yardstick when it comes to defining a 'good' mother."  I find myself oftentimes trying to 'prove' that I am a good non-residential mother to a point of obsession.

Like MixedBag, I've been on SPARC and numerous other stepfamily forums for years now grappling with this marginalized role in which I find myself.  It seems that no matter how well I fulfill this role as NCP, it will never be good enough and I'll always come in as a distant second to her father simply because I'm not allowed to do the primary physical caregiving of our daughter due to divorce.

I'll always be considered a second class parent.  The afterthought parent.

Have any of you ever burned yourself out...to a point of emotional and financial bankruptcy trying to do the impossible: meet societal expectations of your role as 'mother' and failing?

Intellectually, I know that all my efforts are being noticed by my daughter.  I have effectively kept parental alienation at bay or at least, at minimum reduced its full impact.

I know that all my efforts were not in vain.  I intellectually know this but at the same time, for me to keep this up is not allowing me to thrive in my own life.  My life has become and centered around trying to a be a good LDNCBM.  It's life-consuming, energy draining and leaves little to no room in my life for anything else...that is, without fear that I will fail my little one in some respect.

I'm afraid to tell her "No" I can't travel the twelve hours it takes to drive one-way for EOW visitation because I want to do something that improves my quality of life...like do a long-run for a marathon I'm trying, in vain, to participate in.

That's but one of a multitude of examples.  I just 'feel' as though my entire life has become about my post-divorce parental category and the fear of failing my child if I'm not investing everything I have into just her.

I'm tired.  It's as though I live my life emotionally to survive all these years instead of thrive.

[gr8Dad]

...but if you are not visiting the child, because you are getting ready to run a marathon, that is not really a good reason to not see the child.

[Butterfly]

and really, I do not need my post analyzed to death for a judgement call on your part.  (Though I expected it, nonetheless, how sad.)

I live twelve hours, one-way from my child.  We are not discussing a few miles but more like 695 miles away from her.  

The last four years have been nothing BUT about her.  I'm VERY active in her life despite the distance.   I used training for a marathon as an example of something I'd love to do, for once, for myself.

It doesn't surprise me that you intentionally refuse to empathize with how it feels to survive instead of thrive as a post-divorced parent.

Edited to add:  I'm discussing EOW vistation with this type of distance.

[MixedBag]

Girl, I think you need to stop trying to "compete" with dad and just be Mom.....with the cards that have been dealt to you.

Given the distance, and the fact that you work M-F, 8-5, geez.....

I know what you're going through ....

There's nothing wrong with self-improvement efforts because you would do that stuff even if you were in an "intact/no divorce" family.  

Go back to school, train for your marathon, pick up a sport activity.....normal parents do stuff like that outside their work environment too.  So why shouldn't you?

Look at Eric....he's going to school (taking time away from G) and moving forward.  Sure he feels more confident about doing so because he's with G most of the time, but you in some senses should take advantage because G is NOT with you all the time.

Probably ain't making sense again...

[Butterfly]

I think that these feelings are coming about lately because Dad, during his bout of being spiteful, managed short term EOW visitation and now I'm feeling the twinge to do the same long-term...it isn't reasonable or cost effective with the amount of distance we are talking about...it's exhausting just thinking about it.  This Labor Day weekend, I have off work...hubby wants to drive from FL to spend time with me and made these plans AFTER I had promised my daughter that same weekend with me.  SUCKS to be in the middle and be torn in two different directions...feeling guilty no matter which decision I make, as though once again, I'm never going to be a 'good ' mother if I choose other obligations over her for once.

I know you understand.  I'm just vocalizing my frustrations and exhaustion.

Though, on a good note, SM and I are getting along VERY well these days...who would have thought?  I should send you the e-mail she sent me...be forewarned that you might want to be sitting down, she actually praises me as a mother and shows respect for me for the very first time in FOUR years.

It took my breath away...speechless.

[MixedBag]

Lucky you!

I'd never get something like that from fake-wife.....she'd rather drop dead first.

You know....weekend with DH vs. weekend with G......in your case, I'd take weekend with DH.

Why?

Count the days this say past 6 months you've had with him...

And then count the days you've had with her.....

And you two deserve time together too.

[gr8Dad]

...that I cannot BEGIN to address here.  I WILL start by saying that me making ONE comment about ONE item in your post is, how did you put it, "I do not need my post analyzed to death for a judgement call on your part"

I HAVE analyzed entire posts before, and believe me, to ANALYZE a post of multiple lines take MORE than one line.

As for EMPATHIZING, you couldn't be more wrong.  My ex, despite her abuse and absolute failure at parenting, gets the children for three hours in the afternoon of EVERY saturday.  The children cannot do ANYTHING over a weekend without her permission.  No vacations to Disney, no weekends camping, NOTHING.

What do I do about it?  I PLAN around it.  Best I can do.  

When I was the non custodial parent, I DID NOT plan anything on the weekends I had my children.  Before the visitation was set up, and my ex refused to let me see the children, I SAT outside the house, on the street in my car, hoping for a GLIMPSE of the children, or to say hello.

I made ONE comment, about something you said I misunderstood, yet you took it as an attack.

Learn to stop judging people on who you THINK they are, and read what they write instead.  You might be surprised and learn something.

[Butterfly]

but sitting outside of the residential parent's home, no matter if your intentions are good, could be interpreted as harrassment/stalking of that parent.  Personally, I'm not going to give DD7's father any reason to file a frivilous lawsuit.  

I drive approximately twelve hours one-way to spend EOW with my daughter.  I'll be doing that this weekend.

I certainly do not need someone dictating to me on how to be a responsible long-distance parent.  I'm handling this role quite well and in my child's best interest.

My only 'issue' is your contemptuous responses to the majority of posts in this new board.  You may have a lot of sound wisdom to impart to some of the issues presented...unfortunately, that message gets lost in the delivery.  

I'm positive that it's safe to say that the fine women on here are not your ex-wife nor have committed despicable acts against your child or you...please stop misplacing your anger as though we are her.

[gr8Dad]

You write:

"Not to point out the obvious...
but sitting outside of the residential parent's home, no matter if your intentions are good, could be interpreted as harrassment/stalking of that parent. Personally, I'm not going to give DD7's father any reason to file a frivilous lawsuit."

If you READ my post, I did not say that YOU should do this, I was making the point that we go to extremes and do the extra for our children and in order to see our children.

"I drive approximately twelve hours one-way to spend EOW with my daughter. I'll be doing that this weekend."

And for that you derseve to be called a parent.

"I certainly do not need someone dictating to me on how to be a responsible long-distance parent. I'm handling this role quite well and in my child's best interest."

I dictated NOTHING to you, I simply ASKED if you were saying that you were going to train for a marathon, INSTEAD of seeing your children.  I didn't even ACCUSE you, and even ADDED that I HOPED I misunderstood.

"My only 'issue' is your contemptuous responses to the majority of posts in this new board."

You may want to check your math.  There are over 200 posts on this board, I have posted 12, including this one.  That would be a little over 5%, and a FAR cry from a "majority".

"You may have a lot of sound wisdom to impart to some of the issues presented...unfortunately, that message gets lost in the delivery."

So your saying that if I expect people to listen, I should kiss their butt instead of telling them like it is?  Sorry, can't DO that.  I have BTDT with a LOT in my life.  People don't wish to listen to the voice of experience, too bad.

"I'm positive that it's safe to say that the fine women on here are not your ex-wife nor have committed despicable acts against your child or you...please stop misplacing your anger as though we are her."

My anger has NOTHING to do with my ex even.  I am sick of giving advice here, or commenting on something, and if I am not rubberstamping someone, it is turned into an attack, and I am accused of insulting someone.  You REALLY need to READ the post, extract the info, and move on.

[mmrscupcakes]

Don't feel like a afterthought  parent.  What you need to do is change you current court order.  My ex and I meet half way on visitation weekends.  However we are just 4 hours away from each other.  But  I think  this is a reasonable request.  And this allows for you to have more time with your child.

I live in Virginia  and this is a order that was set into my court order 12 years ago.  I hope this suggestion works for you .   And you do deserve time to do for your self without feeling guiltly .