NEED ADVISE....SHOULD WE GO TO COURT?

[brandcr]

The mother of my 3 year old son lives miles away in a different state.  My wife and I try to go see him as much as possible but his mother is very controlling.  we recently asked if we could have him more than 2 days at a time and she said no....then brings up that she would still be toghether.  (this proves that it is just in spite)  Should i go to court and get this legalized?  or is there a way to get this taken care of without going to court?  i do not think this will get better....especially when my wife and i have our own kids.

oh just to add to the story she lived in our state until we broke up and then moved away with my son. this was about 2.5 years ago

[MYSONSDAD]

We need more details. Were you married to the mother of your son? Any CO currently in place for visitation? What States are involved?

Then we can give you more information on what steps you can take. You can do something, but there is a process to follow to get you there.

I would go to court, make things legal, ask for more. If you feel this will never improve, then fight for your son. Going on her good graces, will get you nowhere fast.

[brandcr]

we were never married.....she lived in fl 7 years before she met me and then moved as soon as we broke up to PA.  She says she does not intend to move back.  Nothing is in place right now....i have just let her hold control....I fly them to Tampa and she stays in my mothers guest house and i get to see him for about 4 days......and she makes me bring him to her in the middle of the visit so they can "re-connect"  I notice that my son is starting to feel guilty when he is with us....he wouldnt even notice anything but she crys when we leave and when we bring him back......very dramatic.  my wife and i fly up there as well.  i didnt want to have to bring my son's mom to court.....i just dont feel right about that....but now i really just need advise and i dont know what lawyers to look for or anything!

[MYSONSDAD]

Wheter you feel right or not by taking the mother to court, won't get you far. About the only other thing you could try is a Parenting Plan that works well for both of you and get it signed by a Judge. There are several on this site, just go into the search engine at the top of the page.

'Honey catches more flies then vinegar', suck up to her, but get it in writing.

Without a more legal document, she could pull him from you permanently, without notice, and you will be hanging yourself, as well as your son. He needs something more substancial then his mothers willingness, at this time, for you to see your son. You owe him that and you owe it to yourself. Will save conflict, stress and financial headaches, later down the road.

A well written Parenting Plan would protect all parties involved and give you more, very valuable time with your son....

Don't forget medical records, school records, holidays and so on. Ask for more and leave a door open for comprimise.
 
"Children learn what they live"

[gipsy]

for some wierd reason there are a bunch of women that do this too the children < My psycho tried all the head trips etc on My son , I had to just talk to him , And tell him Mommy is ok when you  are gone ,   Psycho guilt tripped my son and told him I would hurt him etc , There was a time she had him petrified of going with me , I showed with a video camera , And she stopped doing it , If you put a camera on her when she does all this she will be likely to realise how stupid she looks when she cries , Secondly The tapes won't be likely to be entered into the court , But it's a great psychological deterent to her BS ,
  And a ice cream at Mcdonalds Makes the child look forward to His time with you ! And Mine calmed down right away ! Its the only thing I could think of to get him to stop crying ! And i had to drag him away kicking and screaming ! The reason was , I knew if  I gave in
(wich I pondered ) A sick wins her campaign , Once she saw I will be there every court ordered visit ,  She started to mellow out a bit , But it takes time , I had to threaten contempt for one missed visit ,  I did not file contempt . But at a different motion at the same time I had my atty ask for makeup time , And the commissioner ordered it >
   Other than that My sonsdad post is correct .
    It seems they think if they make a big scene that you won't come to get the child any more ,
   And My psycho tried this to the last degree . I had to file for every single advance in visits as My son was very young ,
   Its My opinion , Get a court ordered visitation,  parenting  plan , And Make the drop off and pick up points crystal clear , Mine say's   Mcdonalds at XXX Place  5 o;clock , drop off sunday at 5 O:clock . Actually psycho's  atty asked that the transfer be at a neutral place , I did not want that m, But I realise it is best , My atty told me If she doesn't show Go " Buy A coke  save the reciept , " The reciept has the time date and place on it at Mcdonalds " this will prove you were there "
   If you have to file contempt it will hold up better " She will of course have an excuse "
  Maybe the way to soft shoe this in Is propose a parenting plan that works in writeing < And file for Mediation , Here they do it at Pierce county center for Dispute resolution " You could call the court in the place of jurisdiction ,And ask who does mediation , Then if you fail to agree with a person there that helps people come to agreement previous to court , You will know that court is the answer , "
   If you just file with the court " This could cause the battle to start And maybe she will talk to a sensible atty that will tell her to agree to something reasonable and get it signed < I think if you don't get some sort of agreement then you will have the courts process , And may have to take paternity testing etc , Appoint a Guardian ad Litem  , Hire an atty ,
  BUT If you get her to agree in Mediation to a temp plan and the court has not decided tha case and make a ruling with a real judge , It is easier to modify later ,
And if you agree to a temp plan it has to be signed by the court as an order to make it enforceable
, The court will not care if she has a jealousy issue or what , It was My expierience they just wanted to know if I wanted to see my son , And it seems all the allegations and other bull is typical he said she said , And thwe court is sick of it , I had My best results when I just told the court " Her allegations are not true " And I want a parenting plan " Because She won't agree , And I showed the court the paper from mediation that just has the box checked that say's "  Respondent did not contact Pierce county center for dispute resolution "
So the court new she wasn't cooperating , I didn't need to say much more "  If you get into the mud slinging .  And write a bunch of crap "
   The commissioner in My case looked at all the papers and asked my atty what I wanted " I learned right away This is some boring writeing for the court , If she does that just deny it . And say you want to see your child " and you love the child "
  I know I wrote a long post . but I have been through the whole thing , And no one could have prepared me for what will happen when you push the Issue , Fortunatly I had a Ok Atty that just filed the papers and moved on through the case , It is now solved , And I have taken her to court Many times And she knows ( Because I told her ) If she messes up  I will have you in court again " As In when she missed the visit < I said ) See you at court " And she said I know you will " But then she agreed to make up time , If you choose court right away expect her to react ,   So try to file for mediation And get some help with some one that is trained >  My atty does mediation " And I understand that atty's do this , So If you get a good mediater and she shows then you have a chance of getting this done for the low cost of mediation , My atty explains that You attempt at mediation is a small good point for you !

[stldad]

I'm going through the same thing living 8 hours away.  It took a year to get the parenting plan in place, but without it I know I would never see my daughter.  Make sure you meet at a public place for the pickups.  This will lessen your chances of conflict during the face to face meetings with you and your ex.  

There is no reason for your ex to see your son during his time with you.  She has more than enough time to connect with him.  That's your time.  

When the guardian is appointed, be very honest with them, and try not to mudsling.  This person has more power than anyone in the case.  Also, if your ex ever tries to say your son doesn't want to be with you because of those tantrums, don't be afraid to offer any home movies showing you, your son, and the rest of the family interacting.  I don't know if my plan would have included such a large amount of time without them.  

If you are looking for a starting point, mine called for visits 1 week per month from Saturday to Saturday with both parties meeting half way.  Also, make sure you allow time for yourself on all major holidays, birthdays, and especially Fathers Day.  If anyone tell's you "I don't think we need that in there", you do.  TRUST ME.  You may also want to put a provision in there for your wedding just in case.  It took over a year for me to garuntee my daughters presence at my wedding.  I almost went to court just for that.  

BEST OF LUCK

[zutalurs]

I have a similar situation, and am dealing with a lot of the same things.
My son is only 20 months old, and I live 400 miles away from his mother.
I've fought long and hard, and finally got 4 days every three weeks with him. I asked to meet half-way, but the mom claimed she doesn't have a dependable enough car to feel safe driving 3 hours to meet me, so the Judge said I have to go the full distance, and gave me a small credit towards my child support each month.
I also asked for a neutral location, but the only state sponsored place in the city has closed, so there wasn't a viable option for the Judge to order.
Of course, that's hopefully going to change soon considering that at the last drop off the mom had organized an assualt on me by her family when I dropped my son off.  I fully intend to take her back into court and if I can't get full custody, I'm at least going to ask for meeting halfway at a local Police Station so I don't have to worry about getting my brains blown out.
As far as her getting time to "re-connect" during your visits, I must say I was floored.  I have issues with my son's mom calling him more than once during my visit.  I can't imagine how pissed I would be if I had to give up my time with him so that she could actually see him in person.
I say take it to court.  She is proving she does not have your child's best interest at heart by making the visits so traumatic.  Let the Judge see you are an interested father who only wants to spend time with his son.  For that matter, a Judge will probably arrange it so you don't always have to be paying for her to fly as well.

[MixedBag]

Just to clarify a bit more.

Right now Dad has no court order that says when he gets time with his child.

He has nothing from a judge...

To get anything signed by a judge, you have to "go to court."

However, what you can do is to try to get her to AGREE to a parenting plan before you file or do anything in front of a judge.  Then you can file a "Joint Motion to Implement a Detailed Parenting Plan" with your judge (since you still live in FL) and the judge will probably sign it.

Good luck otherwise....sounds like it's gonna be an uphill battle and that you might not get to see your child for a while (vindictive EXs will use children like that to get you to compromise (-- translation back off or disappear).

I say approach her and set a realistic time limit, then file promptly when that time expires in FL.  Might give you home front advantage.

And expect to pay for whatever you're paying now (transportation).

[MYSONSDAD]

What I did for the evaluator, was had a section in the book I complied, indexed and so on, one section is pictures of our son and I and other family members. It truly jogs something in them to see the bonding.

Glad you mention it!

"Children learn what they live"