S.P.A.R.C.

Separated Parenting Access & Resource Center
crazy gamesriddles and jokesfunny picturesdeath psychic!mad triviafunny & odd!pregnancy testshape testwin custodyrecipes

Author Topic: Why do so many CP's want to give bad advice on message forums?  (Read 4028 times)

beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
Hi,

It seems that no matter what message forum I go to, there is someone (or more than one person) who needs to go beyond telling me what I don't want to hear. It seems that when I post a simple question about how to proceed legally I am greeted with alot of animosity even though no one knows the particulars of my situation. Are people out there that eager to blindly defend their greed and do anything that they can do to maintain the status qo concerning custody and child support?

For example:

Question:

I just relocated, how do I file for modification?

Answer: Why didn't you file before you left?

Answer: You left your family, bla bla bla.

Question:

How do I get child support arrears forgiven?

Answer: Why do you want to get them forgiven?

(Because I am living out of my car eating ramen noodles....hey none of your business anyways)

I am noticing this more and more, even on this forum.

If I ask a question, I expect and honest answer. Not what I want to hear or what I don't want to hear.

Just wanted to vent and post the particulars of what I have noticed.

One of my points would be that it seems that many people have a hidden agenda out there and are willing to deliberately give you bad advice to deter your individual efforts and to further secure their lofty world of keeping a child away from the NCP and leeching the NCP fincancially dry as a form of revenge, effective visitation interference, and for their own personal financial benefit.

Sorry, but I needed to vent!



MYSONSDAD

  • Sr. Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1730
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
I am confused....
« Reply #1 on: Oct 26, 2005, 08:34:10 PM »
Most of the posters here, try their best to get you in the right direction. We are human and make mistakes. I went back and read some of the replies you received. I saw nothing offensive about them. They were giving you suggestions and sound advice.

Some needed advice to you, 'you can catch more flies with honey, then you can vinegar'. From all of your posts, you sound very bitter. Most of us have been where you are now. We do understand. Maybe a little less attitude might be to your advantage.

SPARC has a wonderful search engine here and is easily useable. You can find this at the bottom of the home page, look for site search. SPARC also includes TGB links for every State. The key is educating yourself.

Child Support FAQ
SPARC Child Support FAQ I'm new to all this...where do I start? Where can I find information about my State's child support laws and guidelines? What determines how much child support I have to pay?...
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/faq/csfaq.php - size 8kb - 23 Oct 2005

For really sticky stuff, ask Soc. Follow his mandated guidelines.

We do, at times, have a troll come thru. But with very eagle eyes, we seem to keep them from reaching out with too much havoc on unexpected NCP's trying to improve their personal situations. But nothing indicated, this was the case in response to your posts. You got sound answers, they just shared with you, their personal experiences...

Now, what's your question?


"Children learn what they live"

Kent

  • Global Moderator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 256
  • Karma: 23
    • View Profile
Where's the bad advice?
« Reply #2 on: Oct 27, 2005, 05:18:13 AM »
Your examples do not show any bad advice.

I.e. the moving issue; most court orders state that PRIOR to a move, a new schedule needs to be created, approved, etc. etc.
There are good reasons for that. You obviously didn't do that, and start thinking about the problem after the fact.

Asking why you didn't take care of that before the move is a very justified question. It also is a statement to readers of the posts that yes, they should take care of that before they plan to move.

And if there were compelling grounds why you didn't, then knowing those grounds helps to give you better advice.
("My home was destroyed by a hurricane" would get you different advice than "I just wanted to move, and was too busy to take care of this beforehand". Also: "I want arrearages forgiven because my CS was set to 75% of my gross income" will get you different advice than "Well, I wanted a new car, so I missed 6 months of CS to pay for it").

I know that both issues are a real pain, and cause a lot of frustration. But please do not read anything in the replies that's not there.

Kent!

beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: I am confused....
« Reply #3 on: Oct 27, 2005, 05:26:40 AM »
My questions were already asked. This is the father's issue portion of the forum, hence I have posted a "fathers issue". I was talking about responses received in general on the internet. Not solely on this forum.

If you are "confused" then why do I have PM's from people saying that they understand EXACTLY what I mean?

Most of the responses that I have received here were in line.

It seems that it is ok for everyone else to be "bitter" as you put it when initiating responses, but when I explain myself clearly then I am called "bitter".

I am simply doing as others do. Telling my story, and telling the truth.

Ok for some, but not ok for all????

If my "bitterness" drives me to excel, then so be it. When I was easily pushed over and deterred by being the "nice guy" that is when my problems started.

Answering questions by asking other questions that are "loaded" and innapropriate to a given response are a big waste of bandwidth and time.

Sorry this is how I feel, and others apparently feel the same way.

This board seems to be a great utility. I intend to use it.

No one is specifically knocking this board.


cinb85

  • Private Reserve
  • SuperHero
  • ***
  • Posts: 2016
  • Karma: 2
    • View Profile
    • http://www.msn.com/
If you are talking about my advice
« Reply #4 on: Oct 27, 2005, 06:24:14 AM »
I have posted another message to you.  I was just giving you my honest opinion.  I thought that is what you wanted.  

As far as me asking you your reasons for wanting the judge to forgive the arrears, I said in my message that if you didn't want to disclose those reasons, I would understand.  

When you ask for opinions on these boards, you need to give enough information for people to understand the situation and respond.

Yes, I am a CP and yes, my ex is a real creep and doesn't pay his child support, but that doesn't mean that I can't be neutral.   I know MANY NCPs who have gotten screwed by the court system.  I know many who can't make it with what money is left in the paycheck after all of the CS is taken out.  I don't believe that the court system should bleed anyone dry!  I just told you a little about my ex so you could see what my reasons were for my opinion.  Since you ARE paying your child support, I applaud you, but I still don't think that Judge will forgive the arrears based on what you said.

These boards are great and sometimes you get opinions that you don't like, but its because there are so many people on these boards that have been in very different situations, that I like to ask for advice from people here (I mean all of the boards here).  It's interesting to see the opinions of each person.  It doesn't mean that you have to agree, but it gives you some insight into other people's situations.

I sincerely wish you luck with your situation!  Maybe (and again this is just a suggestion) you should think about trying to get custody.

Good Luck!!


beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: Where's the bad advice?
« Reply #5 on: Oct 27, 2005, 08:11:25 AM »
The answers that I have received would be along the lines of...........

You are a bad person for moving. You should have not done that....without answering the question.

How is that conducive to any sort of answer????

It deducts from your original post when 50 people hop on and tell you that YES you are a bad person without giving you any advice.

Now that is TROLLING

beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: If you are talking about my advice
« Reply #6 on: Oct 27, 2005, 08:16:54 AM »
Your opinion is not "law". Again, Ref answered my question by saying that a judge has no authority to modify my arrears.

I understand that you have opinions based on your situation, but since the judge has no authority to do anything without the CP then my reason whether subjectively good or bad would be pointless wouldn't it?

There is no reason to give "too much information" on these boards. Especially when a clear response can be initiated without knowing certain things, or things that could cause a subjective opinion like you (the fact that you breathe these days seems to be enough)

I am going to go for custody, but had to get past the visitation obstacle first.


cinb85

  • Private Reserve
  • SuperHero
  • ***
  • Posts: 2016
  • Karma: 2
    • View Profile
    • http://www.msn.com/
I never said that it was law. I said that it was only my opinion.
« Reply #7 on: Oct 27, 2005, 08:22:45 AM »
I'm sure that there could be some VERY good reasons for the Judge to modify the arrears.

As I said before when I asked you what your reasons were, I told you that if you didn't want to disclose them I would understand.   I didn't feel that I could give you an honest "opinion" if I didn't know the reasons.  If you didn't disclose your reasons, I wouldn't have given you an opinion.

I don't understand why you are getting nasty with me.  I don't feel that I have been nasty to you.

I wish you luck in your custody battle and hope that your child gets the life that they deserve.

Good Luck!

beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: I never said that it was law. I said that it was only my opinion.
« Reply #8 on: Oct 27, 2005, 08:26:10 AM »
The post was not directed specifically at you. However, I don't understand what your opinions have to do with "law".

The "law" apparently states that the CP must be involved to get out of arrears.

I went out on a limb to disclose my reasoning. I wasn't really looking for an opinion. I was looking for a legal answer.

I am not being nasty to you. In fact, I am just stating how hard it is to get good information for NCP's overall.

cinb85

  • Private Reserve
  • SuperHero
  • ***
  • Posts: 2016
  • Karma: 2
    • View Profile
    • http://www.msn.com/
RE: I never said that it was law. I said that it was only my opinion.
« Reply #9 on: Oct 27, 2005, 08:29:46 AM »
Most posts on these boards are just that, opinions.  With the exception of SOC, I think that most of us here are just giving our opinions based on our own experiences.  

I DO feel that you were nasty to me and I don't feel that I deserve it.  I was just trying to help.

No post on these boards are directed specifically at anyone person, unless you put their name in your subject.  Even then, anyone is free to respond with their advice.  

If you want Legal advice, I would suggest that you contact a lawyer.

beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: I never said that it was law. I said that it was only my opinion.
« Reply #10 on: Oct 27, 2005, 08:42:47 AM »
I DO FEEL that your subjective opinion was uncalled for. How come others could just come on and give me a straight answer pertaining directly to the post. Again I "assume" that the NCP you deal with treats you like crap.

Sorry but I do all of my work pro se, and have been quite succesful at doing that.

I will continue to seek advice using the available utilities. (up to and including this forum)

Not everyone can afford a lawyer. I wouldn't get one even if I could afford one based on previous performances by my prior lawyer.

cinb85

  • Private Reserve
  • SuperHero
  • ***
  • Posts: 2016
  • Karma: 2
    • View Profile
    • http://www.msn.com/
Good Luck!
« Reply #11 on: Oct 27, 2005, 08:44:09 AM »
nm

beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: Good Luck!
« Reply #12 on: Oct 27, 2005, 08:44:59 AM »
Cheers, Cheerioooooooo!

MYSONSDAD

  • Sr. Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1730
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: I am confused....
« Reply #13 on: Oct 27, 2005, 08:59:07 AM »
I was confused about this remark.
>It seems that no matter what message forum I go to, there is someone (or more than one person) who needs to go beyond telling me what I don't want to hear. It seems that when I post a simple question about how to proceed legally I am greeted with alot of animosity even though no one knows the particulars of my situation. Are people out there that eager to blindly defend their greed and do anything that they can do to maintain the status qo concerning custody and child support?<

And, as I stated with my post, WE DO UNDERSTAND. All of us here are facing many of the same situations. We all have different experiences that may or may not help you. We are all here to help the other.

When someone posts without more details to their situation, it does make it harder to give you a clear cut answer. If you lost your job 'beyond your control', getting support modified should not be difficult.

Ref

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 936
  • Karma: 17
    • View Profile
Some advice on how to use these boards
« Reply #14 on: Oct 27, 2005, 09:04:54 AM »
If you are looking fo straight legal advice, go to Soc's board. Go by his guidlines and he will give you very simple advice. You can bank on his information being accuate and if you are going Pro Se, he is an AMAZING resource.

The other boards on this site are invaluable for anicdotal advice based on experience. The people on the board are very well intentioned for the most part and usually admit if they are being biased if you press them on it. That is the difference between this site and others. On boards like Free Advice, people are just mean and judgemental.

It seems that you got defensive immediately when people questioned you on your motives thinking they were going to judge you like other boards. People usually need more info to help you. Many judges will look at extreme circumstances and give you some slack. This can only be the case if the judge CAN do that (unlike what I have seen in Florida about CS arrears). People have experiences that are from their State that may not apply to yours. Maybe the background people were asking would be relevant in their State. That is why for real legal help, go to Soc.

I am sorry that you have had such bad results from other boards. I can tell you that I was flamed pretty good on Free Advice for even suggesting that Dh try to lower his support for a lost job. It is not a good feeling. I will tell you that that is a VERY rare occurance here so try to take any follow-up questions as a sincere effort to help you and not as a personal attack.

Really, good luck.
Ref

Kent

  • Global Moderator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 256
  • Karma: 23
    • View Profile
RE: Where's the bad advice?
« Reply #15 on: Oct 27, 2005, 09:06:52 AM »
Being a divorced parent with the other parent moving 1hr15min away, taking no regards to how that affected our child, wihtout making any effort to change the schedule, I kind of have to agree that moving in that fashion is a bad thing indeed.

In my opinion, the logical order would be:
1) Determine when and where to move
2) Determine how it will affect the child(ren) and create a possible alternate schedule
3) Come to an agreement on those changes with the other parent
4) Initiate the moving process

Moving first will put you in a bad position. First off, YOU cannot keep yourself to the current schedule anymore. Why would the other parent be inconvenienced because you decided to up and go without getting all your arrangements straightened out first? It puts you in a bad negotiating position.
Second, if you can't agree, and it goes to court, no judge will feel any sympathy for you.

But the most important part: How is all this aggrevation going to benefit your child(ren)? At almost any age, they will know exactly what is going on, and any friction between you and the ex will have a negative effect on them.

I currently live 50 miles from where I work. I own 5 acres of land only 23 miles from where I work. However, building and moving there would create an additional 40 minutes between me and the other parent. So I have a choice; Move, and become an inconvenience to my ex and our child, or stay put and carry the commute myself. I don't have to think long about that; I'm staying where I'm at.

Kent!

beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: I am confused....
« Reply #16 on: Oct 27, 2005, 09:08:41 AM »
I was not talking specifically about this board. However, when you say "WE" you do not speak for everyone.

I do understand the need for details in certain circumstances. However, there are certainly times that people will seemingly ask you "loaded" questions to deter you from proceeding.

Historically, all this has ever done for me was just give the next TROLL a reason to tell you why you (as a bad person) should not or may not.

Why would anyone care about why I didn't get an order modified before I left? I mean seriously, for whatever reason....couldn't, didn't, didn't care....whatever the reason it has nothing to do with why someone wants to get it done TODAY.

TODAY IS A NEW DAY, AND THE RIGHT DAY TO FIX THINGS UP. This is what I believe.

beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: Where's the bad advice?
« Reply #17 on: Oct 27, 2005, 09:24:38 AM »
I disagree. I am not rich, you own 5 acres of land. You are talking from the perspective of a person who has money.

Where I come from there were few jobs that could support "child support".

What is the point of living in the same place if all I could do is afford to pay support and not to be able to put gas in my car thereby inhibiting visitation?

I can actaully see my child more from 1000 miles away than I could in the area of the child's residence!

No judge having no sympathy? PURE BIAS! Then how come he signed my stipulation which allows interstate visitation?

I don't need to go through that process. I have already completed it.

My examples were just examples.

beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: Some advice on how to use these boards
« Reply #18 on: Oct 27, 2005, 09:30:00 AM »
What is the link to SOC?

I know that people have different experiences based on their State and I FOR ONE think that these matters should be federalized.

MYSONSDAD

  • Sr. Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1730
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: I am confused....
« Reply #19 on: Oct 27, 2005, 09:35:06 AM »
When I said 'WE' it was in general terms. Most of us here are more then willing to jump in when another NCP has an issue or concern. Most replies are from personal experience. Posting links that will put you in the right direction.

You have been given sound answers. Post to Soc. His advice is very realiable. But without posting more specifics, he may ask you to do so. General questions get general answers.

What makes SPARC a step above the other forums, is MOST posters DO CARE.

Good Luck!

"Children learn what they live"

Ref

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 936
  • Karma: 17
    • View Profile
"Soc" is Dear Socreteaser on this site
« Reply #20 on: Oct 27, 2005, 09:39:00 AM »
Go to "topics" and look for "Dear Socreteaser" board. He may be just what you are looking for. Make sure you follow his rules though otherwise he wont answer you. He is very honest, so you may hear things you don't like but it will keep you from shooting yourself in the foot.


beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: I am confused....
« Reply #21 on: Oct 27, 2005, 11:00:48 AM »
Thank you

beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE:
« Reply #22 on: Oct 27, 2005, 11:01:08 AM »
Thank you

futureuselesseater

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 29
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: Where's the bad advice?
« Reply #23 on: Oct 27, 2005, 12:08:31 PM »
I totally know what you mean.  I have gone to several web sites where people answer with rude remarks rather than just answering the question w/out judgement.  Just chalk it up to the fact you are seeking advice from people you do not know on the internet.  You don't pay them for their advice so they are free to say whatever they want, rude or not.

I suggest that if you want strictly legal answers w/out judgement you ask a lawyer or find a legal site online where you can ask a lawyer a legal question, not a regular person.  Otherwise you are subject to hearing something you don't want to hear.

I'm sorry you have had bad experiences.  I've been told I am a bad parent, loser, you name it by someone who doesn't even know me or my son's.  Hang in there and don't let the comments get to you.  

beeboah

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: Where's the bad advice?
« Reply #24 on: Oct 28, 2005, 11:48:02 AM »
Well someone knows what I am talking about (besides the people who email me and don't want to waste time on this thread)

I agree with what you are saying. 100%

Just mentioning what my experiences have been and no one can take that from me or you.

I usually take the advice I get and use common sense on it.


Hawkeye

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 212
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: Why do so many CP's want to give bad advice on message forums?
« Reply #25 on: Oct 30, 2005, 11:25:05 PM »

Because they're NOT really parents, in the 50/50 sharing sense of the word. Perhaps just stingy folks that consider kids as property.

They're vindictive ex-wives, mothers in laws, or ex-husbands, fathers in laws/whatever, that try by whatever means, in this internet age, to manipulate things.

We've discovered, at iowafathers.com a troll... named Nadaka... (now, what kind of dorky name is that?) That appears to be someone's ex-wife or ex-mother inlaw comes on board, bashes everything rationally said and just continues to make a fool out of him/herself.  It's quite entertaining! Go have a read.

Well folks, by the amazing technology of the internet and other devices, we've been able to identify this persons GPS station.

Maybe they're just psycho? lol!    Happy Halloween



 

JW

  • New Arrival
  • *
  • Posts: 21
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: Where's the bad advice?
« Reply #26 on: Nov 07, 2005, 12:15:38 PM »
No offense, Beeboah, but you need to "lighten up" a little bit and maybe people would be more receptive. No one wants to be told they are a "bad" person, but I didn't see ANYONE on this board telling you that. And I am a father, NCP, so before you judge me, be cautious. I am in the process of trying to get my child after I had to move to improve my income in order to live like a regular person. And visitation between states is no big deal - it's federal law, so the judge didn't do you any favors. But if you have your "ducks in a row" and follow good, sound, legal advice, and STAY OFF THE DEFENSIVE, people will help you. Don't live your life with tunnel vision.

cinb85

  • Private Reserve
  • SuperHero
  • ***
  • Posts: 2016
  • Karma: 2
    • View Profile
    • http://www.msn.com/
Excellent advice!!!!
« Reply #27 on: Nov 07, 2005, 01:13:02 PM »
nm

wendl

  • Sr. Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1470
  • Karma: 0
    • View Profile
RE: Where's the bad advice?
« Reply #28 on: Nov 07, 2005, 07:01:18 PM »
Well Bee,
I am a custodial mother and stepmother to a NCP.

I moved my son 600 miles away from his dad (yes I informed him 1st, but he doesn't give a dam)

I don't get child support, my dh pays his and has only been late when we moved so he does have arrears now.

When mysonsdad responds WE he means the majority here understand. I see both sides a man who LOVES his children (my dh) then my ex-I will leave it at that for him.

Good luck in your journey.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

 

Copyright © SPARC - A Parenting Advocacy Group
Use of this website does not constitute a client/attorney relationship and this site does not provide legal advice.
If you need legal assistance for divorce, child custody, or child support issues, seek advice from a divorce lawyer.