Possible Move Out of State

[repete130]

I removed the message thanks to the comment by "determined." The two responses I received were in line with what I'm doing. Thanks!

[annemichellesdad]

First, I am very sorry for your situation. I have a close friend who divorced, and was quite proud that BOTH of them were able to put their children first; they drew up their own divorce agreement which stipulated fully joint custody, and they even live in the same apartment complex. Your soon-to-be-ex is not putting the children first, she's putting her own happiness first. Would a move 3.5 hours away from their father serve THEIR welfare or her own? (Insert obvious answer here.)

With that, make your OWN responsibilty hereafter to put the children FIRST. If the mother does not, then someone needs to, correct? Be prepared to show a judge that you can provide for the children both physically and financially. And, for goodness sake, don't move out of the house... you may as well hand over the children to her permanently if you do that. Be amicable and calm, but steadfast. If she can live there until the divorce is final, then great. If she cannot live with you, as cold as it sounds, that's HER issue. Accomdodate, don't compensate. Move out, and you're dead in the water.

Stay in touch with people. Talk through things. Keep your friends. Become as HIGHLY involved with your children as possible. Don't do ANYTHING stupid. (If there's an argument, walk away, don't even raise your voice.)

Best of luck

[KathyNY]

The other person is correct- DO NOT MOVE OUT!  The courts will look at that as "abandonment" and it does NOT help (sorry, this SUCKS for you) that your wife has been a SAHM for 3 years.  Since she is their "primary" care-giver, the courts will favor her.  Believe me, I hate this- even being female, I don't think it's fair that judges side w/ women automatically.  

My fiance just lost his children cuz his ex moved from NY to IL cuz her boyfriend REQUESTED a job transfer.  She ran off and married him to help her case, the second their divorce was final (right before the trial started) but because she was a SAHM, the judge let her go.  My fiance had even been paying her an extra $50/wk on top of the regulated Child Support, to allow her to stay home, because she had an older daughter (not his) and day care for 3 kids cost more than his ex could make working, with gas, lunches, etc.  It made more sense for her to stay home.  His "generosity" turned around to bite him in the a$$.

If you haven't already, start documenting everything you can.  If you have proof of your wife's affair- keep it!  Go online and get copies of her emails to this guy, phone records of their calls, whatever.  Document the time you're spending with the kids, the things you do with them- right down to who cooked dinner and who bathed them each night.  That's what I would do, being that you are both living in the same house still.  For the rest of us it was different- we documented visitation, but I guess you'll have to document "routine" stuff.  If your oldest is any activities, get involved- volunteer to coach if it's a team sport, go to all games, recitals, etc.  Be friendly w/ the other parents- be seen!  

I learned all of this from this site (and a stepmom support group).  It's full of valuable info.  I completely agree with your resentment that your wife is accepting of the fact that this new guy should be able to stay near his kids, but she wants to take yours away from you.  So much for the best interest of the children!  Since when is it in any kids best interest to rip them away from their father and their extended family?!  (Sorry, my loss is still really fresh- 6 weeks- so I tend to go off at times).  I wish you luck.

[determined]

I hate to sound paranoid and always want to encourage the free flow of information, but I would hate to see somebody inadvertently hurt themselves by telegraphing their intentions prematurely.