Son scared of father...help

[prattwoman]

My fiance's son is 15 months old. For 6 months, up until March, he was the main provider. Well the mother and him got into an arguement and she took the son away. They have now come to an agreement with their lawyers for joint custody and visitation. We he hadn't seen his son for 2 1/2 months, and now he screams when my fiance tries to hold him. So of course, the ex (who wants him back) suggest he come and stay at her house for the weekends that are supposed to be his, so the child can get used to the father again. Is that the best way for him to rebuild this relationship back with his son? All comments are welcome. Thank you.

[mistoffolees]

I would suggest that you talk with a child psychologist or do some reading on development stages. Separation anxiety is very common at this stage. He's a little old for extreme fear of strangers, but not so much that I'd be terribly concerned about it.

Under no circumstances would I agree to go the ex's house to give the kid a chance to become familiar. Maybe an afternoon visit, but it's going to be even more confusing for the poor kid if the father moves back in and then back out.

Unless there's something else going on, I'd be inclined to take a fairly hard line and get back to the regular visitation schedule ASAP. For no more than a couple of weeks (maybe even less), the father could spend some time playing with the kid in the mother's presence, but I wouldn't let that go on long.

Of course, I'm from the 'don't worry, he'll get over it' school of parenting, so YMMV.

[Kitty C.]

Is the mother there when the father is trying to hold him and what is 'she' doing at the time?  Making a big deal out of the situation....in other words, exacerbating the situation?  If that's the case, I'd say he take his son for his visitations and I'd bet dollars to donuts the child settles down in no time after the mother is out of the picture.

Two and 1/2 months is not long enough for a 15 mo. old to 'forget' their parent.  Something else must going on to have the child react like that and I would venture to say that once the child spends some time with dad and away from mom, he will be just fine.  And I bet I can predict something else........once visitation is over, at the exchange (when the child sees mom again), the child will start to cry and scream again.  What I would do is videotape a lot of the time spent with dad, so as to prove that the child has no problems being with dad.

I would NOT recommend dad spending his visitation time at the mom's residence.  The only way that should be agreed to is if it's ordered by the court.  IMHO, it sounds like it's a ploy by the mother to either get back with dad or to set him up for a fall.

[prattwoman]

Yes, the mother is there and the child keeps reaching for the mother. He has not tried to be alone with him. I have the video camera, and will use that suggestion.

Thanks!

[Jade]

>Yes, the mother is there and the child keeps reaching for the
>mother. He has not tried to be alone with him. I have the
>video camera, and will use that suggestion.
>
>Thanks!

That is normal.  My kids preferred me when they were that age.  

The mother should leave the house and then sneak back in and not be in the same room as the baby.  

The reason for this is that if the baby doesn't know the mom is there, the baby may settle down.  But the baby may not and the object is to get the father and son to a point where the son is comfortable with the father, not to traumatize him.

2 1/2 months is a long time at that age.  The father may need to just play with his son with the mother present (if they can behave like adults that is) for a couple of visits.  And on the second visit, take his son to a park without the mother.  

And he should be visiting without you there right now.  He and his son need to concentrate on rebuilding their relationship.  And if you are there, the relationship between the father and son won't be the primary focus.  It will take the father's attention away from the baby.  Not saying this is permanent.  Just that the father and baby need a transition period where it is just them.  

[MixedBag]

I can tell you that we (mom, dad, and grandma/me) are starting to see a change in my grand-daughter.

Just yesterday when dad dropped her off and I was babysitting, she started to cry when daddy said goodbye to her.  I swooped her up and took her into the kitchen where she couldn't see the front door.

Got her distracted and she was fine.

She was never like that and her sister who is 6 months old never cries when they drop her off.  The older one is really showing off her newer personality and communicating more and I think it's just "that" age.

So I think it's just that age with the child from the child's side.

And it gets emphasized by the mother in your case because you have a custody situation going on -- so mom is gonna take advantage all the way.

Dad has the right to get his own time with the child...

Good luck!

[MixedBag]

because as I was cleaning this morning, this thought also came to me.

Work with the mother on an "aggressive" re-unification plan...

IOW, agree to something that gets the dad on to a 50/50 plan in a short period of time, maybe not immediately, but a plan that say over a month gets to  50/50.

50/50 is right when it can be done because both parents live in the same school district or can make that happen (down the road).

[dipper]

I think many toddlers cry when mom leaves.  Its no different than when a parent drops the child off at the sitter's on the way to work..the child may cry, but mom or dad still leaves...and shortly the child is better.  Sticking around does not help...

My youngest daughter went through this before age 2..and it tore my heart out.  But, i didnt stop her grandmother from taking her for visits with her dad.  And her grandmother didnt stand there at me hoping she would stop crying.  No..she put her in the carseat and left..and my daughter would calm down.  

the child will be much better served if the mother leaves....or if your fiance is doing the picking up, he just take the child crying.  Mom cant do anything about it....he has the right.  just tell her - if child does not stop crying, say within an hour, I will bring him back....

[MixedBag]

doesn't matter if mom brings her or dad bring her -- really I should say "them" since one is 6 months old and the other 16 months.

I think it's the age right now....because the older one never used to cry....

[wendl]

The mother needs to get out of the room, babies do that all the time when you have to leave them at daycare, then they settle down.

How is the baby going to get used to dad is mom is right there, the baby can feel the tension in the room if mom is around.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[prattwoman]

Well, he went Friday, and didn't return. I haven't heard from him at all. Thank you all for you help and sharing you personal experiences with me.

Prattwoman

[cinb85]

Who didn't return?  Your fiance?

[prattwoman]

Yes, I haven't seen him or spoke to him since Friday ( the day his visitation started). This is hard on me and my family. I have three boys (form my ex-husband), who love him(fiance). I did not think that things were going to happen like this. Right now i'm in complete shock.

[cinb85]

You must be so hurt!  Maybe it's for the best (don't you hate when people say things like that)!  I have been where you are and I know how much it hurts, but you will get through this!  You need to be strong for your boys!  How long have you and your fiance been together?

[prattwoman]

We have been together for three years, so, yes, the child was conceived during a time there was a short break between us. But i was very forgiving. I am torn up inside, but i have to keep it together for my kids, and for work. And at night, I just break down and cry myself to sleep.

thank you for the kind words

[notnew]

What a jerk. At least you are finding this out before you are married to him. Looks like her plan worked. I'd contact his parents and just check to make sure nothing happened (like car accident, etc.). If not, then write him off. If you two are living together, get his stuff out pronto and don't let him back in the door. His behavior is unacceptable.

Next time, I'd advise a long period of dating and getting to know someone before introducing them to your children.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[cinb85]

If you want to talk (I know that sometimes that is what helps the most), you can email me at [email protected].  My ex left me a few times during our relationship, but I kept taking him back (until I finally had enough and kicked him out).  I know how much it hurts and it will take some time, but you will get through this!  I promise!

[prattwoman]

Thank you so much cinb85. I will probably need to do that. And it's nice to be able to talk to someone who's not judging me for taking him back in the first place. It gets really hard at home, my youngest slept with me last night, he's already feeling sad about him not coming home. I haven't told them yet, although I know they know somethings wrong. Honestly, i don't know what to say to them.

[prattwoman]

I've packed his things already, but haven't dropped them off. I'm afraid and in denial I guess.

[cinb85]

I know how you feel, but you have to do what's right for you and your sons.  Have you tried calling your fiance?

[cinb85]

that you want to talk.  You can either post here or send an email.  I took my ex back more times that I would like to admit, but when I finally had enough, it was ME that packed his stuff up and made him leave.  When I dropped him off at this mother's house, he started taking his stuff out of the car.  He didnt' want to leave, so he was taking his sweet time unpacking the car.  I got out of the car and start grabbing his stuff and throwing it on the lawn.  I had finally had enough and I wanted him gone!  Since we have split he has lived with many different women and left everyone of them for another woman.  Unfortunately he keeps fathering children with each of these women, so there are several children out there who aren't being supported (both financially and emotionally) by their father and there are several children out there who don't even know their own siblings!  It's very sad, but once I kicked him out, I was able to move on and take care of myself and our daughter!!!  It wasn't easy, but it made me a much stronger person and I'm glad that I got rid of him!  No one should have to put up with things like that!

Email me anytime!

[jilly]

I agree he's a jerk.  They've been together for 3 years so I don't think she was just jumping in to this.

>What a jerk. At least you are finding this out before you are
>married to him. Looks like her plan worked. I'd contact his
>parents and just check to make sure nothing happened (like car
>accident, etc.). If not, then write him off. If you two are
>living together, get his stuff out pronto and don't let him
>back in the door. His behavior is unacceptable.
>
>Next time, I'd advise a long period of dating and getting to
>know someone before introducing them to your children.
>
>I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[prattwoman]

Thanks...you are correct, i was not jumping into this when introducing him to my children. We had been together for three years, but I've known him five years.

[notnew]

I understand that. I was just speaking my own thoughts being one who has lived and learned. If I had things to do over again, or were ever in that position again, I'd take a lot longer to bring my kids into the relationship. Not a judgement against you. Hell, that sure would be the pot calling the kettle black!! We all live and learn. I am finding that the older I get, the more my beliefs and values lean toward a more conservative slant. Who would have ever thunk it? LOL.

Seriously, I know it's hard for kids to go through divorce and custody issues. It is a kick in the teeth for them when the person you finally decide to get serious with just bugs out for whatever reason. I know you are feeling bad for them and yourself too yet angry too. Such a hard thing to have to face.

Too bad there isn't anyone to tell him to ACT like a man/adult and just handle things responsibly. He should have told you up front instead of acting like a coward. I feel sorry for the other woman and the child too. He's going to make a great husband and father isn't he? Yeah right!

Keep your chin up. You are a good person. Don't let this make you feel any differently. He is the one with the problem. Don't forget to take some time for yourself while going through this and do something special for you to keep your spirits up.

[cinb85]

I've been dating the same guy for 1 1/2 years now and I still haven't introduced him to my daughter.    However, if we were to become serious and get engaged, then I'm sure I would and who knows if he would stick around.  This man should have thought about her children before doing this, but just like my ex, he is only thinking about himself!!!

I also agree with notnew that you should do something special for yourself!  Maybe a weekend trip with the kids or a few days to yourself (to pamper yourself).  I found that just rearranging the furniture made me feel a little better (when he would leave).  It kept me busy so I didn't have time to think about how much he hurt me and because the house would looked different, it wouldn't remind me of him as much and it was a fresh start!

Keep your spirits up.  Things will get better!!!!