i need some feedback please (Change in my situation)

[superdad01]

Ok guys you may remember me.

I got time with my child on nearly a daily basis. I have quoted in my order that I have Secondary physical custody.

Now the mother has fought me tooth and nail regarding overnight parenting time throughout the week. We finalised the order before our daughter was school age and now she is in kintergarden. I was also working 3rd shift at the time and have since moved back to 1st shift to be avaible for overnight parenting time with child. She is accustomed to going back and forth daily to see dad and back to see mom at night.

I want to have our daughter on a 2 week 4 day on 3 day off schedule instead of the daily back and forth. Now the only issue is school and my early morning work schedule. I am out the house at roughly 4am every morning.  Since mom is unemployed for (4 yrs) is is more convient for her to stay with mom instead of me getting a sitter.

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Now i have had my sister recently move in with me with her own school age children who will be going to the same school as my daughter and would be riding the bus with her as well. My sister would be getting all the kids off to school at the same time. To me it makes sense and would work.

Mother would odviousy oppose any arrangement I come up with because she does not want to lose her childsupport.

Anybody ever dealt with anything like this? I have a live in sitter and kids and everbody gets along great...

[mistoffolees]

It can work, but in my experience, it really takes two parents who are willing to work together to make this work well.

Personally, I prefer one week on, one week off rather than alternating 4/3 schedules as the weekly exchange is much easier on everyone involved, but that's probably just personal preference (my daughter is older, as well).

If the motehr is going to oppose it, then what you want won't matter. It will come down to whether you're willing to spend the time and money fighting it AND whether you can demonstrate to the judge that there's been a significant change in circumstances. I doubt that a change in work schedule would count, but I guess it could.

[Kent]

OK, I've been there and done that. It doesn't work.

First of all, when you are looking at changing schedule, you need to stop looking at it from your point of view. Look at it from your daughter's point of view.
How would you like it to live your life on a 2-week-4-3-day schedule, and live like that in two different households? You would not feel at home anywhere.
If you insist on something like that, at least do a week-to-week schedule, from Friday to Friday.

Next to that, if the other parent does not want to cooperate, it WILL NOT WORK.
Once she has extracurricular activities on the weekends (like softball), the other parent will not want to cooperate, just to spite you. (been there, done that for 5 years. As a result, now my son chose to come live with me full time).

You know, you probably want to ask me what would be a good solution then, and I truly do not know.

It is just very sad if parents cannot get over their anger and put the child first. From my point of view, in that case, the unwilling parent should lose custody and get every other weekend at best. And even then, the extracurricular activities will suffer, and playing sports on any competitive level will not be possible.

Keep in mind that a live-in sitter will not be an acceptable substitute if the other parent is a suitable parent (which she is deemed, otherwise she would not have all the overnights).

Kent!

[knoot7]

"First of all, when you are looking at changing schedule, you need to stop looking at it from your point of view. Look at it from your daughter's point of view.
How would you like it to live your life on a 2-week-4-3-day schedule, and live like that in two different households? You would not feel at home anywhere.
If you insist on something like that, at least do a week-to-week schedule, from Friday to Friday."


as I have said before many times here - my SS lived with a 2 day on 5 day off and then 5 day on 2 day off as a schedule for his whole life. He was in between homes from the time he was 2 until now (13). He honestly stated he really enjoyed being able to be in both homes during the week adn to see both parents equally. He enjoyed having both parents involved in his school work and extra ciricualr activities. Yes the activities were harder to deal with between two homes but it can work and be in the best interest of the child. What was consitent for my SS is that he knew every monday and Tuesday he was at moms' every Wednesday andn Thursday he was at Dads.... that is my suggestion...keep the same days of the week consistent.

When we finally got SS with DH and I during the school week was after two years in a row SS school work and his emotional health suffered because he had to pretend he was sick all the time cause his mother didn't want to bring him to school. His mother also provided many homelife challenges that were not present on the other side of the fence. If he didn't have to lie, if his mother made the effort of getting him to school and his mother and step father had a decent relationship... he would of preferred to keep it the same - each parent spending time with him during the week.  Due to missing 20+ days each year ONLY on her days....he has enjoyed being at our home full time. He had his schedule from the time he was 2 till 13. He liked having two homes, twice the amount of "stuff", two places to have a bedroom and rest his head. My nephew also has to ability to see both parents throughout the week. It has been this way for him from before he was 1 and he is now about to turn 8. He is thriving having both parents involved throughout every week. So if young children do not know what it is like to have only one home...they have their "NORMAL" which may bee different from everyone else...but it is all they know

[Kent]

As I stated before; Any arrangement will stand or fall with the full cooperation from both parents.

And it is true that if young children do not know what it is like to have only one home, then it is it normal to them.

That does not make it healthy.
Young children who are confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their lives do not know any better either - but it doesn't make it healthy.

It is well documented that stability is one of the most important aspects of a child's life. A rotating 5-2/2-5 schedule does not provide that stability.
Neither does a week-to-week schedule, but it comes a lot closer.

In your nephews case, both parents seem to cooperate well and have the best interest of the child in mind. That's the only reason it works for him.

Kent!

[superdad01]

Well as I stated before, I have her on nearly a daily basis. I don't feel like going back and forth daily for 4 or 5 hrs at a time is consistant either. She goes home and within a half hour she is in bed. I feel like all I am is dinner and transportation.

Our daughter can ride the bus to my house but the mother does not want that because she likes  to  make me come get her even though I am there many times before the bus. Anything to cause me more headache and cost.

I also recall when we were first in court then the judge said something against going week to week... He said you want to go a whole week without seeing your child?  That's what lead to my having her daily... ( I was also on 3rd shift at the time)

Also Mom should be working come december which I'm guessing she will have a first shift schedule as well.

we were sent to the foc for review and the parenting time specialist (who dislikes me) because I am an involved father and demand that mom takes some responsibility said my change to 1st shift was not  a valid change in circumstance even though my time with child was cut. She did recommend week on week off in the summer. I feel it would be best year round.

[olanna]

How about where Mom and Dad live in the same town, about 2 miles from each other?  How do you feel a 50/50 split would work in that case?  You know, like the Friday to Friday thing you talked about before?

They have their own things at Dad;s and their own things at Mom's...even down to clothing and toothbrushes...etc..

Dad wants to see his boys more than just every other weekend.  Of course Mom is going to fight it because she will lose her moola.

Boys are 10 and 12....this is in CA.

[mistoffolees]

I think you already have the answer to this. It can work if both parents are willing to make it work. In fact, IMHO, it's the preferred method when the parents are relatively close in distance and are willing to work. There's a book called "Mom's House, Dad's House"  that is a big help.

HOWEVER, there are two issues. First, are you sure that the parents can work together to make it work? You've indicated that Mom is fighting it (her reasons don't matter). That makes it tougher right off the bat. Second, can you show a change in circumstances sufficient to justify to the court that they should change the custody arrangement?

In my case, we do alternating weeks and alternating holidays and it works quite well. But we live close, can afford to have two homes for my daughter with all the stuff she needs, and my ex is being reasonably cooperative (for now). Not everyone will have those advantages.

If your boys are 10 and 12, I would think really hard about getting into a battle now unless you have some very strong justifiication for a change. Better to just try to see them as frequently as you possibly can (even if it's just going to their ball games twice a week or whatever). Then, in a few years they'll be old enough that their opinion will carry some weight with the judge and you would have a better chance of getting this change.

Another big warning, though. Mid- teen years are probably the hardest time to have alternating weeks. If you're 2 miles apart, it's not so bad, but kids at that age are developing their own social life, their own jobs, etc and the logistics for a 14 and 15 year old get to be a mess (not so bad after they're driving).

[Kent]

Even though distance is an important factor (and 2 miles is a wonderful short distance), it all stands and falls with the parents cooperating.

If (one of) the parents do not want to cooperate, they can live next door, and it'll be a disaster for the child.

I believe that the ideal situation (other than non-divorced and happy parents) would be when both parents cooperate well, and live in the same neighborhood, or sub-division. So the child(ren) can go see both parents every day if they want to.

I remember when I grew up, one of my closest friends' parents divorced.
They lived in a house that used to be 2 houses under 1 roof. When they divorced, they separated the house out again into two units, and my friend and his sister just loved it. And their parents still had sufficient conflict, but the kids lived in the same house, even in the same bedroom regardless of which parent they spent the day/evening with.
Now that's an ideal situation, I believe.

Kent!

[mistoffolees]

I wouldn't go that far. IMHO, SOME space is desirable for a variety of reasons.

1. The arrangement you described makes it too easy for one parent to take control of the situation and the other to get left with the scraps. IMHO, each parent should have their own life with no involvement from the other parent. That arrangement is too enmeshed for my taste.
2. One of the problems that some kids face is that there is never really an end to the marriage. My ex, for example, is continually trying to do things to get us back together and, AFAIK, letting our daughter believe that it might happen. This gives the child(ren) false hopes and makes it harder to emotionally resolve the issue.
3. At some point, one or both parents will have new romantic relationships. That would be awkward.

If it works for your friend's parents, great. I just know it wouldn't work for me - and I suspect that there are a lot of couples where it would be a disaster. For my taste, 2-5 miles is about right.