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Author Topic: My step-daughter has three fathers!!!!!  (Read 6834 times)


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My step-daughter has three fathers!!!!!
« on: Nov 28, 2003, 12:49:43 PM »
OK HERE IT GOES!!  Please be patient because this is a long but interesting issue

I have a stepdaughter who is 11 years old now. When I met her she was 7. There was a custody battle going on when I got married, but there was something special in Stephanie (fictisious name for a true story). Each time my husband wanted to see his daughter, he has to go to court. Several times the judges told the mother that she might have to change and be a facilitator in the relationship between Stephanie and her father (my husband), but never happened.

The last summer we saw her, when we went to take the child to the airport, where her mother and stepfather were waiting for her her mother and stepfather gave us a paper. The stepfather told my husband, who he knew very well because they were good friends and next door neighbor, that with that paper my husband would resolve all his problems. The mother yelled in front of the child that she had had relations with other men and that Stephanie was not his daughter. The child began to cry hugged my husband and told her "I love you dad".

During the next two years, my husband tried unsuccsessfully to talk with his daughter, but her mother just kept telling him that she was not his daughter and that she knew it, and her real father was her stepfather which she met 10 years ago and had an affair (my husband and the stepfather were both in the military).

Finally after several months, my husband contacted his daughter and she told him that he was not her real father, and that she knew that her mother and her real father (stepfather) had a relation 10 years ago, and asked him not to call him again.

We tried desperately to maintain the case in court, because we knew there was no other way to keep in contact with the child. My husband filed for bankrupcy and we couldn't afford a lawyer anymore and mu husband decided to continue the case pro-se (by himself). But before the jurisdiction was transfered to CA, the judge in Fl told my husband to get a new lawyer and gave him three weeks. My husband explained her that he couldn't afford a lawyer anymore and begged her not to transfer the jurisdiction because he wasn't going to see his child again. The judge told him "well, you will have to get used to it" and the jurisdiction was transfered.

We received several calls from the mother offering my husband to reliquish his paternal rights using the child support as excuse. Finally we found a new lawyer in Ca and a new visitation agreement was settled.

Two days later, we knew that the mother told the child that she has three fathers:
1. BIOLOGICAL FATHER- which is the father that mammy had sexual relations with
2. LEGAL FATHER - (my husband) just for child support
3. DADDY-  which is my stepfather and is with me every day.

She is visiting a psychologist and she told us that she knows that her mother shouldn't told her that and warned the mother about keep telling her about the three fathers, but she keeps telling Steph. As of today, this mother and the stepfather has broken a bond between a daughter and a father, the child doesn't want to call my husband "dad" and is not using her last name, but her stepfather's last name. This is extremly abusive for a child, but we can not find someone with enough power to tell this mother all the damage that she is causing to her own child. It seems that no body really cares about the emotional abuse that lots of children, like Stephanie are suffering.

We have to do something about that. This mother says that she loves her daughter because she has told her the truth and her blood type paper proves it (one paper from a lab that says just the blood type of the child)"that's biology 101" says the mother.

I just sent a letter to Dr. Phill's show. If you have a case  like mine where the custodial parent is abusing of the right to have the child, write him. Let's make some noise. I know that if he receives lots of cases from PAS he will talk about that and we will have started to do our part.

I would like to hear from those parents that are suffering from this syndrome. The system has to work somehow. Thank God could get "back in track", but what happens with those parents who don't have the economy to sustain this type of case in court? Just get used to it?

Also, there's a thread here in the VISITATION forum called HELP CHANGE THE CURRENT LAWS read it and support this bill.

God bless you all and let's gather our voices to make the system work correctly for our kids sake.

Indigo Mom

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Email me immediately!
« Reply #1 on: Nov 28, 2003, 01:34:55 PM »

If you'd like, that is.  I TOTALLY know all about this whole 3 father mess, and have a "trick" or 3 up my sleeve for your husband.


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RE: My step-daughter has three fathers!!!!!
« Reply #2 on: Nov 30, 2003, 06:04:26 PM »
Welcome to the club.  It's not one you want to be part of but there are more of us out there than you may realize.

First of all have your husband request DNA testing.  That will tell what blood type will not.  It can be a gamble for you so be forewarned.  If it comes out that your husband is not the bio father there are ways around the fact that he is legally the father.  If he IS the bio father then he can use that to finally shut the bio mother up.  At 11 his daughter is old enough to understand that the results of the DNA showed your husband as her father and she would probably feel more comfortable going back to using his name etc.  

Also as far as school's etc she must use her legal name.  Her legal name IS your husband's.  

That would be my first step in your shoes though.  You can't fake DNA.  It will probably take a court order to get the DNA testing done since I have the feeling mother will object, but get the order and get it done.


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RE: My step-daughter has three fathers!!!!!
« Reply #3 on: Dec 02, 2003, 02:46:01 AM »
As hard as it sounds, as painful it is.  That girl is the only child in my husband's side.  The only niece, the only grand-daughter and the only daughter.

I don't think the system is prepared to accept that a DNA test just proves who BF is or not.  We are afraid that the girl is not his and the court will suspend his parental rights and visitation.  Having so many bad experiences with the system, they will not take in consideration a bond that this two loving people had to each other.  They will only see that this bond was already broken and "for the best interest of the child" my husband will have to disappear from her life, and that would be another triumph to all the mothers that take advantage of the system.


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RE: My step-daughter has three fathers!!!!!
« Reply #4 on: Dec 02, 2003, 11:04:39 AM »
I do understand.  Completely.  My husband is the bf.  His son is the only child he has ever had and will be the only one he ever has.  My days of having children were over by the time he and I met.  

However, there was another man.  A man that despite the fact that he helped the bm lie and hide the child grew to love him.  A man that was his father for years.  It was only by a miracle and a loophole, like the fact that the "step-father" admits he knew he was committing fraud when he signed the acknowledgement of paternity, that we were even able to get my husband declared the father of his child.  Otherwise it was too late, too many years had passed.  Ironically we are now fighting the bm and her parents not only for our involvment in the boy's life but for his stepfather as well.  They have lied to the child to the point where he is afraid of his stepfather.  My husband is the one telling the judge that the boy deserves to know both of them and have both of them in his life.  Neither of them are felons.  They are both just hard-working men who happened to get suckered in by the same woman.  No one should be cut out of his life.  No one!  My is cutting herself out by the actions that send her to prison.  He does get to go there to see her but she is not involved like a mother should be.  It ticks me off that she can sit in prison with only minimal involvment with the boy yet be the one calling the shots denying not one but two different men the chance to love and care for this boy.

Consider a home DNA test.  It will not hold up in court and but will not be nearly as expensive and if you find the child does indeed belong to your brother then he can push to have the court ordered DNA test done.  I still would urge you to either seek an attorney or speak to those here who have gone pro se about your case.  Because she was born when they were married he IS the child's father in the eyes of the law.  The law will not overturn who the father is solely on DNA.  Used to be done but just isn't any more.  That is how men wind up paying support for children that are not theirs.  The same standards should apply to visitation and custody.  There are always if's and maybes and really assinine things with family court.  The system is broken.  But at this point it is your only real hope to keep in contact with the child.


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update... Any Ideas?
« Reply #5 on: Dec 02, 2003, 05:30:54 PM »
We just received an e-mail from our lawyer saying that she wouldn't be able to continue with the case, due to office closing. Nevertheless, she will finish with some case, but in ours seh doesn't see "any end".

Let's see what happens!

I was talking to my husband today about the home DNA, he says he has to think about that.  I think he's too afraid to know the thruth.  I don't blame him after beleiving that the kid was his for 10 years.....


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RE: update... Any Ideas?
« Reply #6 on: Dec 02, 2003, 07:02:01 PM »
This absolutely makes me sick, and here is what I suggest:

The BM has been fighting visitation for years but cashing the cs checks? Right?

Then BM tells dad that "neighbor" fathered child, right?

So child has 3 "dads".

Have you read the case on Fathers Rights Board about bm who lost custody because of PAS?  I believe JayC posted it.  Perhaps you can use some of those case-laws to your benefit, although this girl is several years older than one on the case.

I STRONGLY suggest you do a paternity test.  Why?  Because if he IS the father, he continues to pay CS and DOESN"T get to see the child, and if he ISN'T the father, he pays no CS and still doesn't get to see the child.  

What is their relationship?  Is she a PAS child?  Does she want to see dad?  
This should weigh heavily on his decision as all he will do is fight child continually due to PAS for the next 8 years and get nothing but more bills and pay cs.  

If child still wants relationship with dad, I would take it all the way.  He is dad whether he is bio or not.  They were married, he is on birth certificate, bm didn't tell him there "might" be another possibility until child 10 yoa, etc.  

I feel for your husband, can't imagine the torment he is going thru.  Ask Soc what he thinks about this.  Best of luck, you will be in my prayers....Nosonew


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i disagree
« Reply #7 on: Dec 03, 2003, 04:40:59 AM »
i disagree with the idea of the paternity test..... now understand this is just my opinion... however, in florida, once a judgment is entered designating someone as a biological parent, the only chance you have to dispute that judgment is within ONE year, even if the DNA test comes back and says there is no chance in h*ll that your the parent, if its past the deadline to file your out of luck....

why put yourself through that, why spend the money, what can you really do if the dna test says nope not the dad,,, you can not just stop paying the support...

and you already have a relationship with that child.. based upon the laches theory you are dad...

research your options before you pay for this test and before you add more mental anxiety to your life.

i think mom is being an ass however, you have limited options, let the child know you love them and as long as the birth certificate has your name on it then your dad... give her a copy of her certificate framed in a beautiful frame so she can have a memento of her parentage...

dont turn it into an argument...

best of luck

Indigo Mom

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RE: Huh?????
« Reply #8 on: Dec 03, 2003, 07:07:58 AM »
The lawyer isn't going to finish up her cases before she retires?  (or whatever it is she's doing)  She's just going to leave you stranded?  YIKES.

Did you happen to receive my email and show it to your hubby?  That's your defense in court, IF the child and your husband want a relationship AS father and daughter.

-----I was talking to my husband today about the home DNA, he says he has to think about that. I think he's too afraid to know the thruth. I don't blame him after beleiving that the kid was his for 10 years..... -----

I can't blame him either.  If he loves this child, and I know he does, then what's the point of a DNA?  I'll tell you.  Even if your husband "wins" and is determined to be the father because of psychological parenting, he can NEVER give family history at the doctors.  If the child comes down with "something" terrible, and family history is needed...your husband giving HIS history could be detrimental.  

And...this one is the choker...the child has the right to know who her father is.  Though it's going to SUCK for your husband if he's excluded through DNA, he has to admit, this child will one day "wonder" who helped create her.  (however, she'll always love him)

I personally think the bm is being a rotten, evil, conniving BITCH.  She's led one man to believe for 10 frigging years that he's the father, then pulls this shit?  heeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllll no!  Totally unacceptable. Not only that, but she's going to have to explain not just to the Judge, but to her CHILD why she did the rotten thing she did.  That kids gonna hate her.  (which is the time she's going to come running to daddy...your hub)

IMO...regardless of DNA results, your hub is the father.  You don't do 10 YEARS of love, understanding, fixing wounds, crying, bleeding, sweating, worrying, etc etc just to be told "go away".  eh eh...don't work like that.  

Does your husband believe this kid is his?  I mean, biologically his?  What do you think based on features and stuff?  I know looks don't prove a thing, my son is the spitting image of me, my daughter could be the neighbors kid, looks NOTHING like me.  

Indigo Mom

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RE: oops...made a mistake....
« Reply #9 on: Dec 03, 2003, 07:10:00 AM »
-----this child will one day "wonder" who helped create her. (however, she'll always love him)-----

the "him" i'm referring to the child always loving is your husband.


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RE: update... Any Ideas?
« Reply #10 on: Dec 03, 2003, 09:36:28 AM »
We went through that anxiety too.  Often and on my dh looked for his son over the years.  But she had told him it wasn't his and then when it came DNA time he was afraid.  Afraid to find out she had been telling the truth and it was another man's child.  If we'd ever been able to even see a picture of him before DNA testing he probably would have had no hesitation.  But rarely does a child look as much like his father as this boy does my husband.  He's a miniature of his father.  

The point is until you have some DNA evidence one way or another you will always be hostage to this woman's whims.  Today he is not the father, when the relationship she's in sours then she may change her mind again.  That's a lousy thing to happen to your dh and his daughter.  Neither of them are yo-yos, though she seems to think it's ok to treat their feelings like they are.  

Right now I'll do the only thing I know to do for you all.  I'll pray for you to have wisdom and guidance and know what is the "right" thing to do.


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« Reply #11 on: Dec 03, 2003, 09:59:52 PM »
You are all right in certain way.  We are not pursuing DNA (at least not by now).  WE are trying to rebuild the bond between my SD and my hub.  I already showed her her birth certificate, but she just overlooked it and put it aside. But the idea to put it in a frame...that I'll do.  Unbeleivable her relation with me has improved 100%, she kisses me, she hugges me; including the other day she was very upset, because BM organized a sleep over in my hub's week-end and my husband refused to it.  She asked my hub if she could talk to me.  She began to cry... I told her that she has to understand that her father has done a lot of sacrifices to come to see her and a lot of things (never talked Sh... about mom), but her BM was in the other phone and I could hear when she hung up and then I overheard her telling the kid what to say. She told me the most horrible things a kid could say.  She told me that she was been forced to visitation because her mom was going to get in trouble with court; that she hates us; that her life was perfect until we re-appear in her life and so on.

Well the thing is that she came for visitation and she noticed that I was kind of "upset" (I was just not feeling well that day, I understand what she's going through taht's why I don't get upset), and came to me and whispered in my ear "I'm sorry" and gave me a kiss.  I kissed her back and I told her "I love you".  It wasn't until she left that I realized that she was talking about the sleep-over day that she yelled at me.

This is happening probably because BM hasn't attacked me too much...I think.  But with her dad in totaly the contrary.  She doesn't want him to touch her, she doesn't call him DAD, doesn't use her last name, but SF's, she doesn't want to spend more time that the stipulated by court (as she has told us before).  

And beleive me or not, that is killing me too.

BM has told me that I haven't have kids because God was "giving me my part".  I told her that she was wrong because God has given me her daughter... That pissed her of.  To tell toy the truth, I was crying last night and asked God why He has given her three kids and He hasn't given me any ... I asked Him to forgive me ... but still hurts, because I have loved her daughter as mine, but I have to realize that she has her mom, good or not, but she is her mom.

God Bless you all


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« Reply #12 on: Dec 04, 2003, 12:52:07 PM »
Your post touched my heart so much.  I remember what it was like not being able to get pregnant.  I did suffer from primary and secondary infertility.  That is why even though I was married 18 yrs the first time and never used birth control I only had 3 children.  We were married over 6 years before the 1st was born.  My heart aches for you.  It does seem so unfair some times.  

You are right.  She has her mom and that will never change.  But she has something just as if not more wonderful.  She has your love.  Love you have given freely, without reservation and with no strings attached.  One day she will see what a special gift that is.  One day she will understand that giving birth does not give you the ability to love unconditionally and you have loved her unconditionally.

She is making steps.  Cherish those.  There may be some backwards steps but that progress will not be totally lost.  It will be there and will come back.  She does love you...both.  Even if she does not feel free to express it at the moment.

I get so upset with bioparents who behave like her mother is.  I also feel sorry for them.  They have no idea that one day their actions will come back to bite them in the butt.  It's the give them enough rope thing.  Just like you will have to be patient for her to realize what a precious gift your love is her mother will patiently wait for her reward.  It will happen.  As she gradually sees more and more of your love and patience and unconditional acceptance she will see her mother's games and twists and manipulations.  It has taken 5+ years, all with no comments from me about the behavior of my children's father but slowly they see.  They comment to me about it.  I usually reply with he is your father, you need to love him, his love may not be perfect but it is all he knows how to give.  That is so hard to say.  I pray every day for the strength to be able to tell my children that.  

I understand how it is killing you too.  My dss uses the last name of his father.  It is even court ordered that way with our reluctant consent.  It was his name for 7 years before we found him again.  His mother wanted his last name changed to her last name at birth (which wasn't her maiden name, she'd changed it).  We told the judge that for ss's sake we thought it should remain the same and not be changed to dh's or what she wanted.  This was about him.  He was dealing with enough changes and did not need an identity change to be my dh's son.  

Frame the birth certificate.  Hang it in her room or someplace she will see it every time she is there.  Both of you keep telling her you love her and don't worry about bio mom's snide remarks.  One day your karma will run over her dogma!


For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  1 Peter 1:6


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Thank you all!!!
« Reply #13 on: Dec 04, 2003, 04:20:20 PM »
Thanks for your words... Every thing has a purpose in this life... bad or good, but it has a purpose.

"For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind". 1 Peter 1:6

 Thanks for that.  Some times it's hard for me because I'm so far from my country and family. I'm from Puerto Rico.  But when I read this things, the e-mails that I receive, and I read that we are all here trying to give support to EACH OTHER, some times looking at your problems as ours, I come to realize that God has given me, given us a family... here.


We are having visitation this week-end.  I'll let you know how it was on monday.



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RE: Thank you all!!!
« Reply #14 on: Dec 05, 2003, 06:14:35 AM »
I'll be praying for you all!

For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  1 Peter 1:6


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I found something that might be worthwhile to you and others here
« Reply #15 on: Dec 05, 2003, 10:57:06 AM »

I went there to sign a petition regarding Michael Moore's next anti American slamfest.  Then I thought that maybe, if enough people could come together and formulate....you know there are so many issues that we all deal with, we could spew out 100 petitions per day.  Anyway.  

Maybe this site can be of some use.


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