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Author Topic: Need some advice/help  (Read 2191 times)


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Need some advice/help
« on: Nov 01, 2008, 06:40:14 PM »
 I really do not know where to begin. I guess I just want to know how hard is it for a father to get his kids? I am a stay at home dad and im living in a state that is not home to me. I moved here 5 years ago because my ex came up here and I wanted to do the right thing, so I came up a few months later. I have no family or friends here. My ex tells me that I will have a restraining order on me by monday. Is that possible for someone to do that just for the heck of it? If anyone should have one, its me. Im the one who had to call the cops last week, im the one who has proof of her beating on me and leaving bruises. She cant just say bad things and get one can she?
 On top of all this my kids are staying at a home that has a drug user living there. On top of that, the drug use has ex boyfriends over that are drug dealers. Why doesnt she stay with her parents or sister? Why is she chosing a place of chaos over a safe haven?
  Instead, she is at a friends house where drugs and alcohol prevail over anything else. Doesnt that account for anything if I wanted custody of my children? Plus I even have her admitting in emails and messages on yahoo messenger that she is losing her mind and that she knows she hasnt done everything to make things work. She has also broken rules that her and I have enforced and even just lied to my face that the kids were somewhere else. She visited another old friend  today that she used to not hangout with because they are drug users as well. My kids went along for that too, I didnt have a say in it. Infact, the last time I was at that house I saw a paper plater full of dope, and thats the last time I went over there. 
  My ex is an ex addict/user and I fear that she will be doing it again soon, if not already. Their is a guy that lives in that house as well who she used to do drugs with(but he has found god, so he says) and they hangout all the time together. It wasnt but a month or so ago that she was complaining about him not calling her and avoiding her again. She said hes still struggling with himself.  But now she hangs out with him all the time and shes never home anymore. Infact, last night we went trick or treating and as soon as we got home, she went into the bathroom, put on some make up, and left for his house. I was left to take care of the kids and help my daughter sort out her candy. She is gone almost every night and one night the kids were sick with a fever and she came home to drop off popsicles, then left for her friends house. By the way, we only have one car and shes the one who keeps taking it.
 Oh yeah, that house she goes to, there was a time that she agreed it wasnt a place to go, especially for our daughters sake.  But for some reason, its ok now. Just the other day I had to call the cops on her cause she wouldnt go to sleep, she just wanted to argue with me, and she locked me out of the house, so I called them. They came, she let me in. Then she argued with me more, I asked her to please go to bed, she didnt and kept arguing, so I called the cops again.There is pleanty more, especially about the people she continues to run to instead of her own family.
   I am waiting to see if I get assistance to help me with attorney fees. Till then, does anyone think I have a case here?


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Re: Need some advice/help
« Reply #1 on: Nov 05, 2008, 08:11:38 PM »
What step of the custody & divoce are you in? It really depends on who hears your case and what state you live in.
If the police came, did they make a report? Any time she physically beats you, you need to call 911 and don't take that lightly, unless you want her to spend a night in jail....sometimes that will wake a person up though. Filing a PPO will be much easier if any violent events have been documented. Print all emails and IMs from her and put them in a 3 ring binder, oldest in front to new, in chronological order. It is easier to get a temporary PPO against both parties as that won't identify an abuser if its a no-fault case.
If she's using and you have proof, you have a good case; demand random drug testing and offer them yourself as you shold have nothign to hide. You will need to be able to show that yoare currently the primary care giver as most judges dont' like to uproot kids; be as active as you can with thier school and activities; you will have to show that you are the "better" parent according to federal and state custody guidelines; you should be able to find them online by doing a search and get the ist from the federal website and the state and county webite. should you have to leave the marital home, take the kids with you as it sounds like you are stil living w/ her??? That will be an obstacle if you are trying to get a PPO, but I would recommend one if either one of you are hostile against each other.
You will have to show financial responsibilty and have a plan setforth fo child care/ day care/ latchkey and request she be obligated to pay a certain portion based on federal/state guidelines. If she's not working, income should be inputted on the minimum income threshold.
Get a temporaty custody order in place ASAP; should she get visitation, and you suspect she's using, call 911 and tell them you suspect she's under the influence. You should not release your child(ren) to anyone who's under the influence as that puts them in danger.


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Re: Need some advice/help
« Reply #2 on: Nov 10, 2008, 05:08:59 PM »
Have you been legally established as Dad (AOP, DNA)? If not, you have no right to remove them from the house. When the cops came, did they say they thought she was under the influence? The reports may indicate that. Get copies regardless.
If you think there is drug activity going on where the kids are, have the police do a welfare check on the house. You can drive past and if you see someone's car there who you suspect is a dealer or user, there may be "evidence" if they pay a visit. Be warned, though, that if there is something going on and they remove the kids, if you are not legal dad, it will be a hassle to get them in your care.
You could always try to get a RO on her, but you might not get it if there are no recent incidents. Did you or she just recently move out? If she does get a RO, there will be a follow-up hearing where you can present your evidence of abuse at her hands (and police records, better yet, subpoena the cop(s) that came out) and hopefully they'll toss it out.
Any news since you posted?


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Re: Need some advice/help
« Reply #3 on: Nov 10, 2008, 07:10:54 PM »
In my city in CA, you can file a petition for mediation for a $350 filing fee.  Then you need to serve to her and bring with you copies of your police reports with her physical abuse, copies of her messages of losing her mind, any proof that you have about her being an ex-addict.  Our town has court records public, so with just a name I can look to see if they have a criminal record, if your town has this, get the names of her friends and search, if you find anything make copies and bring them to the mediation.  If you don't have proof then you are screwed, but it sounds like you can easily get some.  Act quickly before your kids are beaten or sold by their mother for drugs.  Good luck


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