Questions about shared physical custody

[devilhorns21]

Hi. The situation I'm dealing with is this. My husband has a child from a previous relationship. The child is a very sweet boy of three years. The childs mother is incarcerated for the 2nd time, this time facing 6 months on drug charges and will work out her parole for other charges. The problem we are facing is this. He has lived in her mothers home for all three years of his life with minimal amounts of time spent living with his mother at various places due to her mother kicking them out because of her daughters drug useage and theft. When she went to jail the first time we filed for custody of the child. Her mother was willing to go along with it then changed her mind mid stream and filed a petition to intervine. Her petition was granted while our petition for special relief was denined. After being released the first time, our battle continued with my husband refusing to agree to anything but full custody because he knew the judges original orders for supervised vistits with the child would be droped. Now she is back in prision and our battle was ended for the most part. The grandmother has agreed to give us full legal custody and so has the mother. However now the grandmother has spoken to me about us having full legal custody but her having shared physical custody. She has said her lawyer brought it up and the only "power" she would have would be that of signing papers if the child needed medical attention or having problems at school and what not. What we are afraid of is her using this to get him back when her daughter gets out of jail. I was hoping some one would have information about shared physical custody and what rights she would have. Anything would be of the utmost help seeing as the hearing is on the 8th of this month. Thank you.

[Brent]

Here's a link to a search for "shared" on this site:

http://www.deltabravo.net/cgi-bin/search.cgi?PHPSESSID=5f24b88f28724bc223370a66d966caf0&Terms=+shared+

Here's one for the word "joint" (often used interchangeably):

http://www.deltabravo.net/cgi-bin/search.cgi?Terms=joint&Match=1&Realm=All

The exact rights she would have would depend on how the custody order, if any, is written.

[devilhorns21]

That information was helpful but there are still many concerns. My husband is out of town working and is unaware of this new development. I wanted to be armed with as much information as possible because he doesn't like these people and doesn't trust them for very good reasons. I don't know how I am going to bring this up to him and tell him what all she can do with this. She has told me the decision is up to us what we want to do. She said she just thought it would be good if we had another ally.  My fear is that it could be used against us later after the mother's release and "rehab" period. We are still not sure if the mother will sign this order. It is after all her child. But we also know armed with the information we have things will not go well for either of them in court.  I'm just very uneasy about this new change in the agreement and don't really want to take this woman at her word after what happened last time. Her lawyer will not be attending the proceedings, which is good considering he and my husband do not get along so well. I don't like the things these people have done to this poor little boy. The mother has used herion infront of the child and the grandmother has told me she had dirty needles in her home that the child found. His behavior is out of control and he can be a very angry and violent little boy. I am scared that if this shared physical custody is something we go along with things will only get worse. I am also fearful that if we don't she will yet again change her mind and we will be at square one all over again.

[Brent]

>I wanted to be armed with as much
>information as possible because he doesn't like these people
>and doesn't trust them for very good reasons.

Exactly what information are you trying to find?


>I am scared that if this shared physical
>custody is something we go along with things will only get
>worse. I am also fearful that if we don't she will yet again
>change her mind and we will be at square one all over again.

So...can you tell us specifically what information you're looking for?

[FatherTime]

OK...Normally I am all for shared parenting.  But now I think, and my first gut instinct is...

Sole physical and Sole legal Custody for your husband and yourself.  

You should have learned from the last confrontation with the grandmother about how you can trust her.  She did not keep her word to you before...does she keep her word to her grandson?  What is this child learning from her?  I made the mistake of bending over backwards to do what I initially thought was in the best interests of my daughter.  I trusted someone who had shown me before that she was not trustworthy.  Don't make the same mistake.  I should have taken full custody then,  You should do that now.  

In most states grandparents rights are null or most likely unconstitutional.  In Washington state grandparents aren't even given any preferential treatment in cases of adoption.  Her attorney is actually fighting an uphill battle.

 If the grandmother gets angry then suggest anger management.  Who do you think is teaching your step-son to be angry?  She may be angry at the mother of the child, but is she showing her anger in front of the young child?  

Take full control of the situation.  It IS in the best interests of this "out of control ... very angry and violent little boy."  I would get him and yourselves into some form of family counseling in order to let your step-son know that things have changed and he no longer needs to be angry, out-of-control, nor violent.  You can make a positive and stable environment for him and maybe no connection with the things that make him angry is good for awhile. Unless the Judge thinks that an in and out of the child's life, drug-using, in state custody, mother is the better parent.

Don't get sucker punched again.

[anastasia]

You can read the laws in your state.  For instance, in Ca there's a law that talks about that.  I think that the state doesn't give "Joint custody", but supervised, since it is a felony (!?), You have to be sure of the following:

1. What kind of charges does she have?
2. If it's concidered felony, what the child's home state laws say about  
    that
3. Read about the terms "full legal custody", read the definitions
    of "custodies" in your state laws.  I think you should fight for "sole physical custody" and "sole legal custody".  Read the laws first, that should be your first weapon, regardless you have a lawyer or not.

GOOD LUCK AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

[devilhorns21]

As far as being armed with the information I wanted to know everything i could about us having full legal custody and shared physical custody before I mention this to my husband.   I really just need to know what power this will give her. What she can do if the order should be granted.  The reasons she gave was that if my husband was working out of town as he often does and something were to happen to the child that she also be able to sign medical papers if they wouldn't allow me to do so. I need to know if that is true, if that is what she can do with this or if this is yet another tactic to tear him away from us.

[devilhorns21]

Thank you for the information and the advice. Against my husbands wishes I trusted her the first time. He knows how these people are and how they work.  I am the outsider so to speak and just want everyone to get along for the childs sake. My husband rarely deals with the grandmother. I do all pick ups and drop off's because he has so much animosity towards her that I feel it best he not show that around the child.

  Our court system in Pa is very one sided. The first judge we went infront of thought the mother's drug use wasn't an issue and could be dealt with in her mothers home. Where I found out later drug use occured. The grandmother's lawyer has informed her that going back to court is not a good idea for her or the mother because they will both lose dearly with the new conviction and information that we have found out.  

I have tried talking to the "ladies" at the custody office in our court house but they are of no help because they see my husband as just some tattooed punk who wants to get out of paying child support and doesn't care about the child. Something I overheard sitting outside of the office. Which is an untrue and uncalled for statement.  They denied my petition to intervine thus not allowing me to be a part of the proceedings. For what reason I do not know. They said I had no reason to be a party to the case.  While I just found out the grandmothers petition stands until the child is 18. That is a very long 15 years as far as I'm concerned.  

I know the child is learning quite a lot from his grandmother. He now says things like "I hate you" "I'm gonna kill you" "I'm gonna beat you".  We do not say things like that in our home. Yes the child will get a spanking if it is well deserved, but "beat you" is not a term we use. More often then not he gets a time out alone in his room because he can't stand that, and it's the only thing that works.  Some days I just don't know what to do with him and I cry because I don't like to spank him and it kills me to listen to him cry when he's on time out but I don't know what else to do. The daycare has no problems with him unless he's around the mother. They have stacks of papers stating when he came unbathed, dirty diaper before the potty training, one instance was gum stuck to the back of his neck for almost a week. So that meant no bath for a week and what was a 2 year old (at the time) doing with gum? Children and youth services consideres none of this neglect though.

Nothing has been on our side since the begining and I'm very concerned that this hearing will not go our way if my husband wont go along with the shared physical custody.

[devilhorns21]

We live in Pa. I have read all the information I could get from the "ladies" at the custody office and from the law library.  Not much was helpful. We had hired an attorney, a very expensive one for us, that left midstream and took an appointment as state attorney general, leaving us out money and with no lawyer. I have tired calling other att.'s but information is not free to these people.

I do know all of her convictions. Her first parole/prob. was for access device fraud, check fraud, grand theft auto, and another charge related to stealing her mothers check book. Most of it was plead down to misdemeanor's because she is a drug user. In our state they believe in rehab and treatment as opposed to the jail time that is deserved.
Her second offense was failing her drug test. That sent her to jail where more charges were pressed. Her mother told me it had to do with unpaid tickets which I did not believe and did some reasearch. The charge was for retail theft totaling close to 700 dollars. That was added to her parole/prob..  After her release she was arrested a week after our first mediation hearing for retail theft again. This time totaling close to 600 dollars. Yet again added to her first parole/prob. The last and final charge was supposed to be felony drug charges for selling 100 dollars worth of crack and 100 worth of herion to an undercover informant.  She would have been facing 4-8 years, but yet again lets take sympathy on her because she's got a disease as they call it and needs help. And must be reuntied with her child to aide in her recovry. So thanks to the judge she will be out in april.  Yet again turning this little boys life upside down.

The laws don't really saying anything restricting her access to her child unless the child was involved in the "dealing" process or she physically or sexually abused the child. Which having to live with this little boys fits and tantrums definately shows me she has done irreversible damage to this child. But the court wont see it that way because she is the natural mother.  If I haven't made it clear, I have no faith left in the Pa justice system.   Natural mother or not she is not the one taking care of this little boy and having to figure out what to tell him when he asks where is mommy is and why she doesn't love him enough to see him. My heart breaks for this child every day. I would really love to go to the prison and tell her my feelings but I know that wouldn't help him.

[StPaulieGirl]

 Hey dude,

Every 4 paragraphs, or so, hit the return key twice.  I can't read your posts!


Gabbagabbahey....