change in custody?

[MixedBag]

that right now, your best bet is to get as involved as you can with your child and follow through on what you're being told.

Then you need some time on your side to put the old stuff further behind you....it really needs to be a long time ago.

I forgot about Kitty's suggestion -- that's a good one.  Watched a mother here in town not too long ago have to go to court because her son was absent from school too often.

[Peanutsdad]

Absolutely no arguement on your read of the situation ;)

BUT,, IF the statement IS de facts,, there may be a chance,, if no,, then he blows a wad on attrnys fees and court. Not to mention havin one PISSED off ex to deal with.

[wendl]

well my ss's miss an everage of 15 days pers school year, once year is was 37 days etc.

What I would suggest is getting a statement from the teachers saying that the tardies etc are depriving the child of his education and if the child was attending school ontime and regualary the childs grades would greatly improve.  You could also talk to the school and its officials to see if it's time that mom sign somekind of agreement to get the child to school etc.

Also if the school feels counseling is needed and/or neglect maybe they should call cps and get them involved.

You could also go to court with the recommondations of the school and have mom orderd to take the child to counseling then if she fails you could file contempt.

Getting and trying to get custody is costly and time consuming, stressfull etc.

You could also try getting more visitation like the 1,3,4,5th weekends of the month.

Go to all school function if you can, and document everything.

Good Luck

[Peanutsdad]

Ok,,

suspicians, suppositions, allegations,, wont gain you squat in court. If you have suspicians, look into them so either come up with provable facts, or til you can dismiss them as baseless.

IMHO, It's a big mistake to even contemplate ANY type of mod based on allegations. Not only would you lose, but its highly likely that you would be ordered to pay her attrny fees.

When you say uninvolved, do you mean you didnt excercise visitation? Didnt call or write?

Final question,, does your current involvement coincide with about the time you got married? If so,, count on her attrny stressing that little fact.

[wendl]

you can get a GAL guardian ad litem ordered thru the courts, some suck like ours did, you can request physc evals on all parties its costly sometime they will order them sometimes they wont.

The school needs to get involved regarding behavior etc, could be due to neglect or other problems in the household if they have this feeling they are obligated to contact child protective services, I would suggest also making an appt with the teachers and school counselors to see if they have any suggestions to help you to help your child in school. I know my ss saw the school counselor for awhile upon my husbands request. By doing this maybe you can work with the school officials on a plan to help your son improve in school

Good luck

[too_short]

Now as I've said there are substantial documentation of the behaviour problems and tarides from the school, as well as their requests for counseling.  So there are no allegations with respect to those.   As far as the causes to those behaviors that's where the suspicions/suppositions/allegations.  My hope is the evaluations will be able to find out the causes.

Also, before the change to every other every weekend, I had visitation one weekend a month which I strictly adhered too.  Also, occasionally,  I would have him for some extra weekends (about 4 extra times in the year).  And I would call several times a week, but would be able to speak to him about once a week or two.  Also before this school year, I would make occasional visits to his school to get an idea of how things were going -- two to three times in kindergarten, first grade -- unlikethis year, I've been been to the school at least 7 times.    There's some distance involved... a 2.5 hour drive.
And about the previos visitation schedule... I had asked to have him the 1st weekend of the month and on the 3rd a saturday visit.  But his mother argued against the Saturday visit, saying he would be unruly on those days.  At the time, I was in graduate school working on my doctorate and working full time.

His mother threw up a lot of barriers.  My phone calls were seldom returned, it would be hit or missed when I could speak to him (i guess the calls are documented via both of our phone records).  Also, when he went to school A, mother didn't tell me until a few months later (after repeated requests).  The same thing happened with School B.  I expected nothing less, for she's made it clear to me she thinks I'm the scum of the earth and makes no effort to shield my son from these feelings.  I didn't make a big stink over these issues at the time because I knew nothing could be done.  I did think about going for contempt but then it would just boil down to a he say, she say type of scenario-- and there's no way I could think of a change of custody then (my family lives in the west coast, mother is in her hometown, and all my friends were grad. students with no children).   And if I bring these issues up now, it will still be he say, she say.  But at least now I have a support base.  

I hoped she would overcome her bitterness, but that hasn't been the case.  She still never notifies me of anything, and my calls are still rarely returned.  However,  his mother is starting to answer my calls more often... I'd say about 1 in 3 calls get through now.

About coinciding with the new wife with respect to the new schedule... well, I just got married late February.  I requested for the new schedule last March and we got it finalized in court in August.

[Peanutsdad]

Ok now,, see THAT's what I'm talkin about!! More info. Or as Johnnie5 would say...neeeed input!!


OK,, now we got a little to work with. See? that didnt hurt. We asked frank questions, you gave frank answers. We do a lot of that here.

Knowing the wHY of you not being involved,, is extremely important. As is the timing of your requests and marriage. ( Sounds stupid, but believe it or not, we've seen it play a part in cases).

As far as opening a new case,, yes you really need to get some more documentation and teachers willing to come forward. I would definitely request a home study on both parties.

As I said before, I think a lot of this will hinge on what the home study would reveal, and whether the school is willing to come forward. Even if the school/teachers are nOT willing, I personally would subpeona them and the records to court.

[Indigo Mom]

I'm going to be very honest about what "I" feel.

-----I should also point out that since I've been more active he has showed some signs of improvement. His outbursts, meltdowns, etc... are still frequent but not as frequent. -----

This "could" be the root of the problem.  Everyone here will tell you that two parents are needed to raise a healthy child.  You yourself admitted you weren't "proactive" in the past.  Maybe that is the problem?  Maybe he was acting out because he didn't have a positive male role model?  Focus on being with him ALOT more.  Don't focus on getting custody...get more time...more quality time.

-----However, I haven't notice any real change to the physical component of his behavior. I've recently read a few books on troubled kids with
symptoms similar and so I feel I have a better grasp of things. I'm convinced counseling on a regular basis will be of an enormous help.-----

Ok, I'm going to give you MY beliefs...and they aren't necessarily right.  Read 'em with a grain of salt...because what works for me, might not work for you.

I, too, have read a TON of books about troubled kids.  The money I've spent on them is insane.  I didn't learn anything "I" would like to use.  I don't believe in doing about 99% of what these books and therapists suggest.  People are out for a buck (IMO) and shooting off a book gets them "their" desired results, not necessarily what "you" need.

One thing I've noticed?  When I stop going..."by the book"...things started happening around here.  (my son was viciously abused)  Love, dude.  Love not only "makes the world go round", but it has the ability to do great things with "out of control" children.  Ya can't go wrong by giving extra love.  

Another thing I learned from a very wise poster here?  Focus more on the positive and less on the negative.  I believe the description was a "sandwich".  If he messes up, bring up a positive (bottom piece of bread), bring up the negative (the meat), then bring up another positive (the top piece of bread).  That way, all the negative will be surrounded by the positive.  If this child is only getting "attention" when he does negative things...that's ALL he's going to do.  Give him mucho credit for the good things he does.  Never stop praising him, he obviously needs this. I'm not sure I'm able to write it the way she did to me.....I hope so.

As for the rest of your post...I'm sorry, I don't know about evaluations.  Others here have been through them, though.  

[too_short]

Yes, I have checked out the statues.  He's having to attend after school detention to make up for lost time.  If this continue to happen, mother will have to appear before a judge.

For one thing, my son does have trouble transitioning from one thing to the next.  So the tardies are having an effect -- he doesn't have time to wind down with the other kids before his class starts -- instead he has to rush in, put up his book bag and be expected to focus right away in the class.   He just can't do that.

I

[too_short]

you have very honest opinions, just a little brusk :)