Shared Custody - six months with each parent

[Rocketman]

Hello, new to the boards, have a question for anyone in a similar situation.

I'm splitting from my wife, and we're discussing shared parenting. I've always been a major factor in my children's lives (currently 6 and 8 years old) and desire nothing less than 50% responsibility down the line.

As a member of the military, I'm up for posting soon, and it will be away from the city my wife lives in. This is unavoidable, although I should be able to be reasonably close (within 5 hours drive).

I'd really like to hear if anyone has had success with a shared parenting scenario that divides the kids between parents that live far apart. Splitting time so that kids spend most of the summer and the "fall semester" with one parent, and switching at Xmas time seems a reasonable solution, to me anyways.

Anyone with any experiences/suggestions to share?

Thanks,

Mike

[tigger]

Splitting time so that kids spend most of the summer and the "fall semester" with one parent, and switching at Xmas time seems a reasonable solution, to me anyways.

While I understand your POV from an adult standpoint, it's completely unreasonable from a child's standpoint.  Having to switch school EVERY year. . . and school systems are rarely on the same curriculum and teaching style.  Nevermind the social aspects involved.  I know a parent who needed to transfer her child from a school in Durham County to a school in Wake County (only about 10 miles apart).  When she went to the Wake County school to see what she needed to do, she was advised to leave the child where she was until she completed her grade.  She said that they were so vastly different that she would be lost moving even at the end of a semester.  At least moving at the beginning of the school year would put her on equal footing with students also transferring in.

[Gestalt]

Splitting time so that kids spend most of the summer and the "fall semester" with one parent, and switching at Xmas time seems a reasonable solution, to me anyways.

While I understand your POV from an adult standpoint, it's completely unreasonable from a child's standpoint.  Having to switch school EVERY year. . . and school systems are rarely on the same curriculum and teaching style.  Nevermind the social aspects involved.  I know a parent who needed to transfer her child from a school in Durham County to a school in Wake County (only about 10 miles apart).  When she went to the Wake County school to see what she needed to do, she was advised to leave the child where she was until she completed her grade.  She said that they were so vastly different that she would be lost moving even at the end of a semester.  At least moving at the beginning of the school year would put her on equal footing with students also transferring in.

that would entail 2 school switches per year....at the beginning and at the holiday break...I cannot imagine ANY judge signing an order like that

[tigger]

that would entail 2 school switches per year....at the beginning and at the holiday break...I cannot imagine ANY judge signing an order like that

You're right.  I was focused on the midterm switch.  And for my child, that wouldn't be a clean switch at the end of the semester as his semester doesn't end for another two week.  And that's assuming that the schools won't end up being mandatory year round (which is what we're dealing with as well).

[MixedBag]

mid-year switches would be impossible in our high school district.

They have a schedule that's more like a college schedule where they finish 4 classes each semester.  English in the fall doesn't run over into the spring semester.  It finishes during the fall semester and in the spring he's in 4 completely new classes (UNLESS it's a 2 semester class like band, ROTC, Shop).

military huh?

good luck in working with your personnel folks so that you can maintain a good relationship with your kids.  Retired here and "gave up" a career in one sense by taking assignments that focused on my kids.  I concentrated on getting jobs with controlled tours so that I wouldn't get sent overseas where the kids couldn't follow or come to live with me or even visit.  It's tough.

on the other hand, dad put his career first, moved every 2 years, did his one-year remote, stayed beyond 20 and made E-9 in the end.

Ask my girls -- they're not too happy with dad and his decisions.

[Kitty C.]

Back in 1993, this suggestion was made by DS's dad (between CA and IA).  When he presented it in his proposed parenting plan at mediation, the mediator asked him if he was serious (he was) and proceeded to tell him that it was very selfish on his part.  Then the mediator proceeded to tell him all the reasons why a 6 month split is so detrimental to the child.  Needless to say, DS's dad didn't start out on the right foot with the mediator.

Whatever kind of parenting plan you come up with MUST be to the benefit of the child ONLY.

[Rocketman]

Thanks for the replies.

In my situation, this will not go even to the mediator stage, let alone a judge.

My wife and I have agreed that:

1) Shared custody is the best solution for the kids,
2) They would benefit best by as close to a 50/50 time split as possible, and
3) Regardless of the distance, as long as the kids are happy and their needs are put first, this solution is worth pursuing.

In addition, where I live the educational system is standardized and movement between schools is seamless. My daughter is a gifted child, and is on an Individual Learning Plan, which would follow her regardless of where she lives.

We have (all of us, kids included) discussed all (big assumption there) of the advantages/disadvantages of this solution , and find it worth pursuing.

In the end, it may be unworkable (and I am preparing for any other solution that works), but I'm definitely curious to see if anyone on this board has heard of any situation where this is working or not working.

Cheers,

Mike

[Kitty C.]

If this plan will not go before a judge, then it will not be approved by the court and will NOT be worth the paper it's printed on.  Which means that you're basically doing a verbal/written agreement just between you and your ex and even if you have it notarized, either one of you at any time could up and leave with the children to Timbuktu if you chose to and there would be nothing the other parent could do about it, except go to court and get an agreement signed by the judge into an order.

And I don't care where you live, if you're not living in the same district, there will be changes and exceptions within grades, especially at the high school level.   I would strongly recommend you do your homework and get the curriculum and requirements for every grade from both schools you are considering and go over it with a fine tooth comb.  Better yet, have it reviewed by a 3rd party school administrator or teacher and ask them if the schools can transition.  I would also strongly recommend that you speak to the administrators of both schools and inform them of what you are planning.  It's a very good possibility that they will tell you they cannot accomodate, as the frequent transitioning would be too difficult on the kids.  Just because you want it doesn't mean they will let you do it.  Plus, once the kids get to middle and high school, they will be forced to divide their loyalties between friends and schools........you could be setting yourselves up for failure if the kids decide to choose one school/group of friends over another.

If I can give 3 words of advice (after being on this site for 10+ years, having gone through a LD parenting plan, and seeing here what other have gone through), it would be NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING!  Especially when it comes to custody.  You will get burned, it's a guarantee.  In order for your agreement to be enforced, it must be signed off by a judge in court.  And the first thing a judge will ask you and your ex is how do you expect your children to flip-flop twice a year between not only homes, but schools, too.  And asking your children of their feelings on it is so unfair.......they have NO idea of what this plan would require of them, they don't have the capacity to wrap their minds around the concept or consequences.

Like I said before, whatever parenting plan you agree to, it MUST be to the benefit of the children only.  And if you're adamant that they have 50/50 with each parent, then I strongly recommend that both parents live in the same school district.  Put yourself in your children's shoes and remember what it was like when you were in school............would you honestly want to go back and forth twice a year between homes, schools, and friends?  Think about it.....

[Rocketman]

I guess I should have mentioned that I live in Canada, where the parents can come up with a parenting plan and have it approved by a family lawyer without ever getting into the legal system, or to a mediator.

If the plan is acceptable to parents, legal, and enforceable, it is then approved by family services and written in stone. I guess things work quite differently where you live.

In addition, there are no "educational districts" per se here. All education comes under the provincial body responsible for education, and it is consistent from school to school, classroom to classroom. This ensures standardized education, and we have had no issues transferring kids between schools here in Alberta before, having done it twice now.

Never assume anything... aye, good words of advice. I don't assume that this will be an easy task, but will always do what's best for my kids.

Thanks for your comments, I'll take them under consideration.

Mike

[Kitty C.]

Knowing that this is taking place in a completely different country would have been a very useful piece of information to have in the initial post, saving responding posters a lot of time and certainly would have changed their responses..........

[ocean]

If you ex fights this at all then you need to have a plan B ready. It is not fair to a child to have to leave their home school and then finish somewhere else to go back there again for the new school year. Their activities, friends, and social friendships will suffer. It is one thing to move once...into a new school. Kids do that all the time but to do it as often as you say...no way.

Parents in the US can come up with a plan and get is signed off without even seeing a judge too BUT once your ex starts talking to others and realizes this will never get signed off with a judge....just be prepared.
Good luck!

[kitty1511]

I have actually been trying to come up with a similar plan and searching for anyone who might be doing the same, or anyone who might actually have done this. I was thinking of enrolling my son in a private montessori school anyway, and thought this might make an easier transition during the year. I'm not as concerned as if he would be going to public school as Montessori's are known to individually plan for the child's education. Does anyone out there do this?

I do think my husband and I are both good parents for my child and should be part of their life. But my ex has expressed his very strong desire to "drag out the court case as long as possible and make it hell" if I don't give him custody during the school year. When he filed for divorce, he also moved 1/2 way across the country and took my son without my knowledge, so there is a history of strange behavior. (In the end he was court ordered back to my state but it was a very trying time for several months). Anyway it's water under the bridge, but just demonstrates what may happen (or may not?)

It's not like I can just move where he is, nor do I want to based on his previous actions, not to mention the expense and that I already have a house here. My ex is also a teacher who makes $10K plus more than I do per year working for 9 months, so he could have every day of the summer, full days with our child.

I'm just at a loss. I do think both us need to be in his life, but I don't want to participate in the circus that is "he said, she said". Any ideas?

[kitty1511]

I'm sorry at one point I used the word 'husband' where I meant ex-husband, which upon re-reading makes the post have a different meaning. All references to husband, spouse, ex, etc are references to the same person, my ex-husband.