Oh, how eloquent, gemini..............
I've been on both ends of the spectrum, but I was lucky enough to have a great teacher.......DS's step-mom. Since DS's dad and I were never married, DS had an automatic stepmom when he was born (another one of those 'long stories'). Given the situation, I would not have blamed her for being pissed off. But she welcomed DS with open arms and she taught me an incredible lesson in forgiveness. If she was ever pissed at anyone about the situation, she directed it at the source...DS's dad. And when my ex and I split when DS was 4, it was incredibly stressful........involving an interstate custody dispute and mudslinging (mainly from him).
Time and distance thankfully had a way of giving a sense of healing and by the time DS was 9-10, we were able to amicably co-parent. DS spent every summer and EO Christmas with his dad and stepmom.....believe it or not, I was much more comfortable knowing that she was there for DS during those times, as she had a much more stabilizing effect on DS. And when my ex died when DS was 12, she welcomed me into her home while I was there for DS and the memorial service.
She taught me so much about parenting and forgiveness....and only by her actions. She taught me how to put my personal feelings aside for the sake of the child, and for that I can never repay her. Believe it or not, when I finally had the courage to tell her how I felt about all of that, she seemed surprised.
I came into
SS's life when he was 3 years old. And although
DH's divorce and custody dispute had just as much animosity involved, SS's
BM wasn't anything like DS's stepmom. She held on to her anger for a very long time and I truly was the 'evil stepmother' to her. But in this case, time and circumstances had a way of changing things for SS, too. It wasn't until BM went through another divorce and custody dispute that I guess I finally became 'human' to her. Our relationship is much better than it used to be...but we're not 'friends, nor do I ever want to be. Regardless, BM has some mental issues that invade almost every aspect of her life and that is something that will probably never change and I just choose not to get too involved in that.
I always thought it was so sweet that DS has called her 'Epmama', which was close enough to her real name, Emma....when he first learned to talk, he couldn't say stepmama and that's how it came out. He's 20 now and still calls her that and she even signs her cards to him that way! He is planning to get married next summer and he is adamant (as am I) that she be there. And I want her sitting in the front row right beside me, too.
As for discipline, I also took a lesson from DS's stepmom. In my home, ALL children follow the rules....I don't care if it's DS, SS, or the kid down the street. I expect the same from all of them. When it came to issues regarding decisions that had to be made about SS, I gave DH my input or opinion, but it was only a decision that DH and BM could make. It took some time for BM to realize that she could not dictate what went on in our home any more than I could in hers. Once she came to that realization and how much SS
needed his dad, things went a lot smoother on both sides.
BM had to get over the feeling of hating her ex more than loving her child.........I think she has pretty much accomplished that now, mainly because DH and her have not had a full blown argument over SS in a very long time. She still gets anal about certain things once in a while, but we chalk that up to her 'issues'.
I truly believe in my heart that if I had not had such a shining example in Emma, I would never have handled the situations with SS's BM as I have. To me, Emma is just as important in DS's life as I am. I know that SS doesn't remember me NOT in his life and that he loves me very much despite what his BM has done or said in the past. I also know that when he graduates, tho we may not be able to have a 'joint' graduation party for him (I don't think DH has a high enough tolerance for that, LOL!), we will be sitting next to BM at the ceremony. In fact, I have a feeling that if we actually sit next to each other, DH will make me sit in between them!
When we got married, SS asked a lot of questions, especially since BM got remarried exactly 2 weeks after we did. Our explanation to him was that he wasn't losing his parents, but that he had two more people in his life that loved him very much. That was very reassuring to him. I've always believed in the saying that you have to love your children more than you hate your ex.........that one aspect alone would go a long way in mending any animosity between step-families.