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Author Topic: Summer marching band  (Read 7197 times)

hoosierdaddy

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Summer marching band
« on: Oct 10, 2009, 12:57:52 PM »
My 14 year-old daughter has expressed an interest in marching band next year. Marching band begins in the middle of June and runs through the end of football season. School general ends the Friday after Memorial Day. Mom is CP and lives in next town over (12 miles away). We split the summer per our state's PTG and marching band require weekends, weekdays and some evenings as well as the holidays for parades. This would require a significant amount of time and expense and is NOT something I want to do since it takes away from family and travel time. My question is how do I tell my daughter I can't do this? How do I tell the ex that I disapprove?


Momfortwo

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #1 on: Oct 10, 2009, 01:05:08 PM »
You simply tell them that you will not permit it.
 
BTW, you may want to reconsider your position.
 
My 20 year old cousins were very involved in activities like the type you posted about.  It helped them get scholarships and admittance to an Ivy League College, along with their grades.  Colleges do take extracurricular activities into consideration. 

ocean

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #2 on: Oct 10, 2009, 02:19:12 PM »
I agree...this is for the child who is 14 and is starting to get her own life Parents need to support this. Now at the same time you can still have your vacations. Call the school now and ask to talk to the band teacher. See when it starts exactly if possible and if they are allowed to miss any practices. See what weeks are left open and work with her mother to get at least 2 free weeks and then either allow her to stay home for band weeks or bring her yourself and still have the rest of the day to enjoy with her. You are not that far away. If this goes to court, you will probably lose. It is what the child wants, it is a school activity, and her age are all against you. This is the age where is gets a little ugly because they want their own lives, friends on weekends, parties, football games.....Yes, family comes first but there has to be a healthy balance especially for school activities.

CuriousMom

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #3 on: Oct 10, 2009, 02:39:28 PM »
I agree with ocean and Momfor - you should really reconsider allowing her to participate if it's something she really wants to do.  If all the travel to and from is too much maybe mom would help out since it's for your daughter.  If it's something she really wants to do at that age, she'll probably resent the fact she wasn't allowed.  Or maybe she'll find out it wasn't for her afterall. 

hoosierdaddy

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #4 on: Oct 10, 2009, 03:47:03 PM »
She is already in jazz band and symphonic band. Marching band is 6 days a week with traveling to other counties. She isn't even committed to it yet. Her mom has her enrolled in guitar and piano lessons also. 

Her best friend is the band director's daughter. He is a super guy. He might be willing to work out something, but if he can't, I can't do this. As far whether I will lose if it goes to court...not relevant and not likely. There is no way I can take her to some of band meetings due to my work schedule. The court can't reduce my parenting time below the minimum provided by my state's PTG unless it believes it is in the child's best interests. Given that I have fully supported all her activities, I doubt seriously the court will restrict my time to below the minimum set by the PTG if I don't let her participate in marching band. 
I agree...this is for the child who is 14 and is starting to get her own life Parents need to support this. Now at the same time you can still have your vacations. Call the school now and ask to talk to the band teacher. See when it starts exactly if possible and if they are allowed to miss any practices. See what weeks are left open and work with her mother to get at least 2 free weeks and then either allow her to stay home for band weeks or bring her yourself and still have the rest of the day to enjoy with her. You are not that far away. If this goes to court, you will probably lose. It is what the child wants, it is a school activity, and her age are all against you. This is the age where is gets a little ugly because they want their own lives, friends on weekends, parties, football games.....Yes, family comes first but there has to be a healthy balance especially for school activities.


ocean

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #5 on: Oct 10, 2009, 04:23:39 PM »
LOL.... You have no idea what goes on in the court room. What SHOULD be done is not always the case in the courts. It depends on the judges mood that day. If you only knew my story...They will take away the time because you are choosing NOT to take her to her activities or cant arrange someone to do it. Your ex is not choosing for you not to have custody during that time, it is you saying you cant do it. You ex is going to say you can have her but she wants to do this school activity and he is not allowing her to do it so either he finds a way or I will take her. The schedule usually changes as they get older and it wont be set in stone as much when they start activities and part time jobs. You are just entering this stage.

For example: our midweek visit started at 3 but once sports started, practices started to 5 every day plus the days they had games they were not home until 7. Schedule reduced time at BOTH houses....

You need to work with your daughter and ask for the first two weeks when it didnt start and then maybe talk to the coach and have another week later on. Talk to the coach and find out because you are hearing it from mom. I am sure the other kids are going on vacation. You can call the athletic director too and ask what the policy is for vacations. If mom is in agreement, you can get it court ordered that you have her from July 16-30 and see if the school will accept that child will not be in district during those days. Then they wont hold it against her. There has to be a way that she is able to see you and be in the activity.

Momfortwo

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #6 on: Oct 10, 2009, 08:28:06 PM »

She is already in jazz band and symphonic band. Marching band is 6 days a week with traveling to other counties. She isn't even committed to it yet. Her mom has her enrolled in guitar and piano lessons also. 

Her best friend is the band director's daughter. He is a super guy. He might be willing to work out something, but if he can't, I can't do this. As far whether I will lose if it goes to court...not relevant and not likely. There is no way I can take her to some of band meetings due to my work schedule. The court can't reduce my parenting time below the minimum provided by my state's PTG unless it believes it is in the child's best interests. Given that I have fully supported all her activities, I doubt seriously the court will restrict my time to below the minimum set by the PTG if I don't let her participate in marching band. 


A court ordering you to take your child to school activities during your parenting time isn't taking away from your parenting time.   It would still be considered your parenting time.

Part of parenting IS taking kids to their activities. 

As for the not relevant and not likely part about court, well, I think you may be in for a surprise.   Because courts have been known to do what you don't think they will do.   

gemini3

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #7 on: Oct 10, 2009, 08:51:16 PM »
Your posts don't say what your current parenting time schedule is, or how much of that is taken up by extra-curricular activities.
 
While I agree that participation in extra-curricular is a benefit to the child, the benefit is diluted if that means that the child is unable to have quality time with their parent(s) because of scheduling issues.  In other words, there can be too much of a good thing.
 
My first suggestion would be to try and work it out with your ex first and then tell the child what you and her mom have agreed to.  It's best not to have the kids in the middle.
 
My second suggestion would be to outline for yourself and your ex the amount of time you have with your daughter and how much of that time is spent ferrying her between extra-curricular activities.  If it's a burdensome amount of time, you have just cause to say "Here's how much time I can commit to extra-curricular", and then decide which activities are a priority and which ones are not.  If you feel strongly that you want your daughter to participate in them all you can arrange some other means of transportation (riding with a friend, etc.) - but by no means should you feel obligated to give up the majority of your parenting time to extra-curricular activities.

snowrose

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #8 on: Oct 10, 2009, 08:57:52 PM »

She is already in jazz band and symphonic band. Marching band is 6 days a week with traveling to other counties. She isn't even committed to it yet. Her mom has her enrolled in guitar and piano lessons also.

That's a lot of commitments.  Can you give us an idea of how much of these commitments will be on your parenting time? 

Quote
There is no way I can take her to some of band meetings due to my work schedule.

If her best friend is the band director's daughter, then why can't she get a ride from them when your schedule doesn't allow you to bring her?  Parents make these kinds of 'you take my kid now, I'll take your kid later' exchanges all the time.

MixedBag

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #9 on: Oct 12, 2009, 12:01:22 PM »
bottom line is that there has to be a balance -- and having both parents in the child's life is part of that.
 
The child isn't going to be able to do everything all the time -- and you should count your blessings that you live physically CLOSE to her.
 
12 miles.....think about it....you can't "afford" to do the extra driving?
 
think....real hard.
 
Insist on the fact that your daughter deserves to have you in her life and then go from there.
 
 

MrCustodyCoach

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #10 on: Oct 20, 2009, 04:48:50 PM »
It's part of the price that children and parents will pay in the aftermath of a divorce.  There will sometimes be things in which they cannot participate.  No parent should be expected to sacrifice their custodial time for an extracurricular activity, particularly when the child is enrolled in multiple activities that will make for a well-rounded individual.

You do what you can manage.  You don't what you can't.  It really is that simple.
Mr. Custody Coach - Win Child Custody "Better Prepared, Better Outcome"

*The opinions in this post are solely my own and do not represent the only way to address any particular issue.

sillystring

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #11 on: Oct 22, 2009, 07:33:24 AM »
Wow I WISH that we were only 12 miles away from BM....

I know that I was in cheerleading and we had mandatory practice 3 days a week - you could only miss two practices (and it had to be for a very good reason) or you'd get kicked off the squad.  I would assume the marching band is the same way because they really need everyone there to be able to work on their formations, etc.  It's hard to work on correct spacing when someone is missing.

I understand it is a really big commitment, but I don't think a judge is going to believe the "I can't afford to take her" excuse over 12 miles.

I'm torn on this one... it does seem like she already has a pretty full schedule with the two other bands that she's in, but I can't really say for sure without knowing the schedules and dates of all three activities (I'm assuming they may be during different semesters with maybe a little bit of overlapping?).   
 
Could mom help with some of the driving? Like on days that your work schedule interferes, could she come and pick her up and bring her back after practice?  There needs to be cooperation from both parents for this to work.

eagleeyefam

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #12 on: Oct 22, 2009, 07:49:52 AM »
This is where the parent needs to determine what is more important, inconvenience or the child.
 
I was actually having a discussion about something very similar to this with the father of my children last night. Our son just got done with football for the season. Yes it was a horrible inconveniece, but it was something he really wanted to do. What kind of parent would that have made me to tell him no he can't play becasue I don't want to drive 12 miles, or he can't play because his practice times are during court ordered parental times. Wow I couldn't imagine the ill content my child would have felt towards the parent that told him that.
 
My oldest son spent summers with his dad. He played baseball. Because practice started for the team the day after school got out I had to send him to dad 3 weeks earlier than the court papers said, and lasted well after the 7 weeks court ordered for summer visit. So what. His games were a 3 hour drive from me. I couldn't make the games. I made 1 game. But my son doesn't remember mom not being there for the games, he remembers having fun and playing baseball.
 
Is it possible to make a different schedule with BM regarding this? Is ill content and hard feelings from your daughter something you are willing to face? Preventing her from doing this, is it going to cause a rift in your relationship with her? Will she blame you?
 
Why can't going to the games she performs at and the parades she marches in become a family affair? How cool would that be to watch sister perform! You mentioned family, can stepmom help out with driving?

MrCustodyCoach

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Re: Summer marching band
« Reply #13 on: Oct 27, 2009, 02:50:39 PM »
Consideration needs to be made for all parties because extracurricular activities becomes a slippery-slope that is rife for abuse.

It's also not fair to consider the expense in addition to the inconveniences it may cause.

It really depends on the relationship with the ex and what additional sacrifices need to be made, but I'm not so quick to dismiss hardship concerns, particularly in this economy and in the aftermath of a divorce.

It's okay to tell children "no" if something really, truly cannot be managed.  The world will not come to an end.  And the fact that people are saying "no" less and less is what has produced a society full of "me-now-I-want" kids with no sense of sacrifice, management of funds, and understanding of hardships.

If you can find a way, great.  If you can't, try to flex a little.  If it's not manageable, I certainly won't sit here and judge you.  But you will have to manage something - including the aftermath of whatever decision you make.  Here's hoping you make it for appropriate reasons.

Too much of "the child above all else" is what has made the system as dysfunctional as it is today, which is why I'm so quick to take exception to it.
Mr. Custody Coach - Win Child Custody "Better Prepared, Better Outcome"

*The opinions in this post are solely my own and do not represent the only way to address any particular issue.

 

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