Cuation for parents in custody battles

[jes136e]

I was embroiled in a bitter divorce and custody war over my only son.  The custody battle was not of my chosing.  For over 10 years, my son's father fought for sole custody, even though I had sole custody in our separation agreement.  Two times he settled on the eve of the custody hearing, getting a little more visitation.  The third time, we went through a custody hearing, where custody was not changed.  Later, my son moved in with his father.  My son is now 33 years old.  He has enormous problems relating to me.  We spend nice times together, but they are very few and far between.  Every time we have to make plans to get together it results in a full blown emotional fight.  My son once told me that he never felt comfortable either with me or his father.  That really made me sad.  I tried everything when he was little, therapy, anything I could think of to keep his head together while his father, who had all the money, toys and remarriage, found ways to keep my son from me.  There never was time for me to go on vacation with my son.  His father and their new family were going away on some big trip, skiing, whatever.  Anything to keep my son from me.  I have had to fight for my relationship with my son every step of the way, hanging in there, being available, and I am getting very tired.  Here is what can happen if people can't iron out their differences.  Beware, lots of damage to your children when they are grown up.

[worriedmom]

What if the fighting is one sided? My ex is now making my son keep secrets that affect his behavior and threatning him. He has recently served me with papers to get custody of him and is telling my son that if he lives with me then that means he (my son) doesnt love his dad. My son is almost 6 and he is in therapy. I dont ever say bad things about his father and i dont drag him in the middle... Could I be in for what your going through? I am sorry its like that for you....

[DecentDad]

Hi,

It's possible that your conclusions are correct.

However, it's also possible that the difficulties between child and parent are not related to a divorce.

Divorce occurs when a marriage can't be sustained by a man and a woman.

Divorce occurs much less frequently when both spouses are healthy, stable, and committed to resolving conflict with respect and love.

It's possible that parents who divorce -- generally -- may model perspectives, relationship approaches, and conflict resolutions that are not the healthiest for a child to emulate.

So... I'd suggest that we as parents not only look at the impact of divorce on a child, but also always be introspective as to how we as a parent may be having an impact on a child.

DD

[worriedmom]

I agree. You can divorce your spouse, but you cant divorce your kids...

[bndmommaostepmomma]

I wish there was some way I could get my hubby's ex to read your post.  I feel so badly for you and your son.  My stepdaughter's mom hasn't tried to contact her in 3 years now, and my hubby and I are the ones watching her act out, and taking her to see her therapist...doing all of the psychological tests, when all it would take is for her mom to step up to the plate and be part of her life.

You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers.

Carol

[worriedmom]

Mines just the opposite. My son was a well behaved little boy and was happy until his dad stepped in the picture when he was 4 and 1/2. Now my ex is trying to turn him against me and making him keep secrets.

[msme]

"telling my son that if he lives with me then that means he (my son) doesnt love his dad."

How did you find this out? Did your son tell you this voluntarily? Have you mentioned this to his therapist so that he can explore the effect this is having on your son?

I know my grandkids therapist would call that emotional abuse. Make sure you have the therapist testify in the up-coming hearing. Also get to know the school counselor. They can also be great assets in court.

Good luck & God bless