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Author Topic: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..  (Read 8723 times)

daisygirl0825

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Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« on: May 22, 2011, 06:56:01 PM »
I am starting a new thread because this is just getting so silly I do not understand it.
 
Daughter has not spoken to Dad for three months.  Dad refuses to call, or says says the new wife, because he will not be bullied by me or a child throwing a temper tantrum.  New wife sent a text stating "you cannot interfere with my legal right of possession."  Daughter had to ask me what it meant and then was mad because she feels like she has no rights.  Daughter is almost eleven and refused to go on the last visitation without Dad calling.  Needless to say, we did not go.  I sent a registered letter Dad signed for and no call.  Daughter got hurt at school bad enough to go to ER, she is fine now, texted and emailed Dad and asked him to call her, no response. 
 
Got a letter from Dad/ new wife, that they will not pay medical bills and not call daughter because I did not force daughter to go.  Medical bills I already paid so I can live with that, daughter believes Dad has no love for her at all because he will not contact her.   Any suggestions how to try and make this work?  Do I just force her into the car and make her go?  I want her to have at least one parent she trusts and I am not sure what the right answer is.  I have read many cases about making kids go back to CP against the kids wishes and the results all sound so sad for the kids.  I know I cannot make him call, so any suggestions are helpful.
 
Thank You
 


Simplydad

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2011, 07:02:16 AM »
Your daughter is at an age where the true intent of a parent is recognizable.  Children are impressionable and when they are very young can be led to believe just about anything.  As they get older they become more perceptive to what is going on.  Many people think children can't think for themselves.  The problem with your ex is that he (and the stepmom) think that you are the one making these decisions.  They have a hard time accepting and understand that your daughter is a huge part of these decisions. 
 
From the outside looking in the biggest problem here is the stepmom.  Not because she does not care for your daughter or anything like that but because some how she was given the impression that she has rights in this.  She has become part of discussion that do not concern her.  I don't know if that is by default or by personal choice.  She keeps making comments as if she has rights to your daughter when she has absolutely none.  It has become a discussion amongst three people when it should only be two.
 
There is no way to make dad call or attempt to be part of his child's life. What he is doing now is acting like a petulant child.  I do agree that parents should not be bullied by children.  Is that the case in this situation? I do not think so.  What I am seeing is a child desparately trying to get the attention of her father. Who wants to go on a visitation and have the other parent not there?   I truly believe that step parents can be great and maybe stepmom here does truly care about your daughter.  She just needs to get out of the way.  This is Dad's responsibility and I am saddened by the fact that he does not step forward and act like a da.
 
Dad is required to be at the pick up.  That is clear as day in the decree.  He can designated an adult to pick up the child but he has to make that designation.  If he has done that unfortunately that is not much that can be done.  The child has to go if he does it by the book.
 
As far as making it work.  You can encourage the relationship but it requires Dad to reciprocate and if he does not the only thing you can do is be there for your daughter

Kitty C.

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2011, 08:45:45 AM »
something else crossed my mind....and you may have mentioned it before, but with the way the BF is reacting, is it possible that the SM is intercepting all those messages and she's the one responding?  I also can't remember what your CO states regarding communication, but about the only way to completely keep the SM out of the communication loop is to talk to BF ONLY on the phone.  And you have said that he refuses to call, so has your DD tried calling him and leaving a message?  Even if she has, she might want to try again, saying that she wants to hear from HIM over the phone only. 
 
Just me, but as meddling as the SM has been, you might want to remind her that she has NO legal rights to DD and if she thinks she does, she can try pursuing it in court.  But also remind her that if she does go that route, she will be responsible for ALL atty. fees and court charges if her petition is thrown out of court.
 
Another thought..........and this is because I still think SM is intercepting all the communications.......is there a way for DD to send a letter to BF to some other location where you know he would get it?  Like a relative of his or work?  I'm just thinking about a way for it to get directly into his hands and not going through the SM.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

ocean

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2011, 01:42:56 PM »
She sent the letter that dad signed for so he knows what is going on...he is allowing SM to make the "calls" now.

You are doing everything you can. Get child in counseling as this is starting to get to her and she has to hear that it is not her fault that sometimes adults have issues. You have tried and not really denying visits as they sent you an email stating they are not coming for her anymore. You sent letters/phone calls to try and fix it but sending daughter there without this worked out is not a good idea.

The only thing I can think of , is if you offered to meet somewhere (a restaurant ?) where the daughter and dad can talk this out. You would have had court papers by now if they were really serious and as you know, SM can not ask to be the parent.

Maybe one more letter in a week to dad (registered/certified with HIS signature again)

Ex,
I have tried to contact you by phone messages, emails dated xx, and the letter you signed for on XX. Daughter really wants to work this out but wants to work it out with you so when she gets to your house, you are both on the same page. Your job has you away a lot, and for some reason, SM, thinks she has legal rights to XX which is not true. XX is our daughter and she needs both of us in her life. SM can be a another loving person in XX life but she is not her parent and some of the things she said in her last conversation with XX was not appropriate and crossed the line.

Would you be willing to meet at XXX or any other half way point to meet with xx alone to work out what happened so she feels comfortable going back to your house for visits? I am going to start XX in counseling. Would you be willing to meet us for an appointment?

Also, our court orders state we split medical bills. I am sending you a receipt of her ER bill that I told you about by text on XX. Please submit payment by XX, or I will be forced to bring contempt of court papers against you. Visitation and child support/medical are separate issues in court.

I am really trying to work things out with you. If you are unwilling to call her or meet with her, then things can not change and I will stop trying to intervene.

You

daisygirl0825

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2011, 07:06:09 PM »
Thank you all for the wonderful support and advice.  Today I recedived another registered letter stating that the phone number to the house has changed and cell phone numbers are to be cut off on Wednesday.  They sent the new house number with the statement "This number is not to be given to anyone, even daughter, without our express written consent." signed with a stamp of ex's signature.  I really do not understand that move either.  I was actually hoping they would file contempt charges on me so that we could at least go face to face to talk.  He an I get along fine, it is the third party interference that is the issue.
 
Ocean, I really like the letter you wrote.  I will try that when he is home next.  I am not sure what is going to happen with summer visitation since they are not coming for her any longer and they will not respond to anything I ask or write.  Maybe that will help it resolve.  I just hate to see daughter hurting so much and saying stepdad is more like a dad than my real one.  I did not want it to be that way.


Kitty C.

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2011, 09:29:06 PM »
'....signed with a stamp of ex's signature...'  More proof that this is ALL being done by the SM.  You're right, if he filed contempt, at least then you would have a chance to communicate.
 
If and when you do get a chance to talk to him, one on one, let him know that he is on the fast track of losing his daughter...and possibly for good if he's not careful.  And from here on out, any communication from the SM (especially those signed with the 'signature stamp') should be ignored.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

MixedBag

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2011, 05:10:21 AM »
yea -- when I felt like EX#2 was allowing Camilla to write me -- he never signed anything -- I would include a copy of the letter back to him to sorta make sure he knew what she was saying because I would be holding him accountable for her actions, or he could be accountable for his "own" actions.
 

msme

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2011, 08:26:40 AM »
Something we have had to teach my grandkids because their mother is a real pbfh, is the philosophy of choices. We stress that everything we do in life involves choices, from the simplest things like choosing to get up & out to school or work on time, to major issues. We remind them that everyone makes poor choices, sometimes. Poor choices cause consequences.

We also stress that just because a person makes poor choices, it does not make them a bad person. It just makes them a person who doesn't think things out & therefore makes bad choices.

We also stress that we are not responsible for the poor choices of others. We are only responsible for how we react to their poor choices. Perhaps you can help her write a note to him & send it to him while he away from his wife, if that is possible.

Dear Dad,
I miss you & want to solve these problems. Can we please get together, just you & me, for some father/daughter time & figure this out. Please call me. I really want to talk to you. I love you.
Love, XXX

Maybe it will help to let a child lead. Just an idea, good luck & God bless.

firstlove

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2011, 01:22:41 PM »
Have you ever had any run ins with the SM?  What was the daughter's relationship with her father like before he married the SM?  Just wondering if something happened between the adults that not revealed that would cause such a harash cut off from the DD.

Davy

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #9 on: May 24, 2011, 06:08:25 PM »
It seems abundantly clear that the current custody arrangement for this child is or has become unworkable.  Society and the basis of law SHOULD demand this child be protected.
 
I strongly recommend the intervention of an unbiased third party (ie GAL) working on behalf of the child may prove invaluable in sorting thru all the adult problems/concerns and gamesmanship.
 

tigger

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #10 on: May 24, 2011, 06:19:35 PM »
My then husband's paramour had issues with the truth.  Her then husband clued me in that she tended to call places pretending to still be "married in good standing" rather than estranged in an attempt to get information.  I immediately put passwords on every possible account I could.  As things progressed and divorces were finalized, I realized that I was getting letters that either weren't signed by ex or had an electronic signature.  (A "picture" of his signature "pasted" onto the document before printing.)  I wrote my ex a letter and told him that in order to maintain the integrity of our communications, I would no longer accept any written communication that did not contain his original signature.  That excluded email automatically.  I also refused to communicate with his wife/former paramour because as I had discovered through her ex and his new wife, she didn't always accurately relay the facts of a situation.  My ex and I get along fine as long as it's just the two of us.  If she has to be included for any reason, he gets defensive and acts like I'm attacking her when it has nothing to do with her at all.  Through the years, I would get what I call "nastygrams" that were supposedly from my ex but without signature.  I ignored them . . . repeatedly . . . . until I had finally had enough (August 2005, 9 years after the separation, 7.5 after the divorce.)  I copied it and sent it back with a letter reminding him that I would not accept such letters.  If he wanted to sign it and send it back, I'd respond to each "grievance", otherwise in the interest of getting along, I would ignore it as I had done with the others over the years.  I sent it via USPS with whatever it was that requires the addressee to sign for it (and not just any adult).  He didn't respond but I never got another one . . . and his wife was glaring at me for months.
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daisygirl0825

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #11 on: May 25, 2011, 08:01:01 AM »
Firstlove -- You are correct that there is a history between the adults.  Dad had affair with new wife, 9 years ago, and when I initiated the divorce it all became my fault.  For the last 9 years it has been about me trying to get him back as I am jealous, yes this is in writing.  Once the divorce proceedings started, it got ugly fast with Dad ending up in jail for beating on windows at 2:00 am and protective orders had to be put in place.  Unfortunately Dad came to the house with a gun, said he was going to kill himself, ended up in an institution and has blamed me for everything since.  I had a run in with his new wife because she felt she should be the supervisor of the visitations until daughter was four, she was 2 when this happened.  I said no because I did not know her, just that they were married 6 months after the final divorce. 
 
Since daughter turned four, approx 7 yrs ago, it has all been in writing with ex's stamped signature.  When I have been face to face with ex, he says that she has the right to speak and act on his behalf and daughter and I just have to accept it.  Last time this came to a head daughter was 5 and he did not see her for 9 months.  After sending numerous letters begging him to have contact with his daughter he resumed on a convenient to him schedule.  Daughter would come home upset more often than not about stepmom not allowing them to do anything without her.  It has been sad.  I think maybe I personally was naive about this situation thinking that it would get better as daughter got older but it is just the opposite.  I myself am a total Daddy's girl and I wanted that for daughter, but it just is not happening.
 
Davy -- How do you get a GAL?   I do not know anyone who has had to hire one.  Do I need to go through the court first?  I want to keep daughter from getting hurt (emotionally) worse and am willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen.

MixedBag

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #12 on: May 25, 2011, 12:18:43 PM »
the court appoints a GAL...
 
so during the next round, ask for one.

ocean

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #13 on: May 25, 2011, 01:55:00 PM »
At this point you have two choices:
1. Let her stay with you and no more visits until he comes around, start living your life. If and when he comes around you will deal with it. Since he is changing his numbers and you have that in writing, you will not be in trouble. He is making this choice.

2. File papers against him and make him face this in court. Then you ask for a GAL to be assigned. This will drag on for some time and you will be spend the next year in court. It may get him to do something, especially with step-mother will not be allowed in court room (until she is called for a witness). Since he is always away, he can get it postponed. In a way, it gets him to face the music but at what cost? Only you can decide. The GAL would talk to your daughter and then talk to him and let him know what is going on. Then the GAL speaks in court on behalf of child and child's wishes and not either parent.

Kitty C.

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #14 on: May 25, 2011, 02:20:13 PM »
'I myself am a total Daddy's girl and I wanted that for daughter, but it just is not happening.'
 
Daisy, trust me..........am there, doing that.  I will forever be a Daddy's Girl.  In a way, it may have been a good thing that I didn't have a girl of my own, because I would have absolutely wanted the same thing for her.
 
But we find out the hard way that we can't live vicariously through our children and, as hard as we try, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
 
You can't force him to do anything and if the ONLY way he will be involved is through SM (which exacerbates the whole process), then you may have to face the fact that this just isn't meant to be.  At some point, you have to ask yourself 'Is this causing her more harm than good?'  If just the process of trying to maintain a relationship between father and daughter is causing the child so much stress, it may be time to back off and ONLY respond to father if he initiates it (whether it's via SM or not).
 
And if there is no court action planned for the immediate future (thus no opportunity for a GAL), I'd be looking at counseling.  The poor girl needs to be able to talk to a professional about why her father is rejecting her.....
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

daisygirl0825

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #15 on: May 27, 2011, 10:10:49 AM »
Kitty, thank you for the realization that this is not something he wants and I cannot make it happen.  I am glad to say that my Dad and daughter are so close they text each other everyday and she spends summer vacation with him playing board games and watching cartoons.  Daughter is already in counseling so she is handling this better than I am.  I think it is a parental thing that makes you wonder how the other parent cannot see the beauty in being a parent.

msme

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Re: Dad will not communicate with Daughter..
« Reply #16 on: Jun 01, 2011, 05:20:02 PM »
Perhaps you could have DD start a journal for her dad. Suggest she write about everyday things that she would like to tell him about. Tell her that you will not read it unless she wants to share anything with you. Make counselor & GAL aware of it's existence & they may be able to get her to share it with them & get a better insight on what she is going through. If she goes to see him, she can decide if she wants to show him. Can't hurt & might help.
Good luck & God bless.

 

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