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Author Topic: mediation  (Read 9160 times)

twistedtmama

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mediation
« on: Jul 29, 2011, 09:58:57 AM »
So I have mediation with bio dad coming up soon, I have never been to mediation what goes on during it?


Kitty C.

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Re: mediation
« Reply #1 on: Jul 29, 2011, 10:56:09 AM »
You know all the answers.............why are you coming here to ask?  Because any comment anyone has about it, you will no doubt tell them that they are wrong.
 
Hmmmm.......sounds like Dad DOES want to be in the child's life.......
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

ocean

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Re: mediation
« Reply #2 on: Jul 29, 2011, 12:11:11 PM »
huh???
You just got done telling us that father never comes, does not ever want to come get him.

Mediation- You are both in a room and a person tries to help you come up with a parenting plan. There should be exact times and days he has son and will no longer have to ask you for "permission" to see him. He may also be granted that child call him dad.

What is he asking for in mediation?

brwneyedmom

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Re: mediation
« Reply #3 on: Jul 29, 2011, 02:29:18 PM »
Tell you what, send dad here. I bet he will listen.

twistedtmama

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Re: mediation
« Reply #4 on: Jul 29, 2011, 05:04:28 PM »
He is asking, for no set schedule for visitation, he says we should have a schedule, because he says he doesn't know when he's available, so he pretty much wants to take him once a month rather than twice a month, also he wants to have visitation in my house, and he wants me to pay for his visitation, I doubt they are going to agree to this.


ocean

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Re: mediation
« Reply #5 on: Jul 29, 2011, 05:15:41 PM »
So agree to the once a month. He will not get visitation in your house but suggest the other things we all said (he can pick up child from school/your house and bring him to library, his sisters, Mcdonald's, or take him back for the weekend). He may get some credit for the driving since you can not meet him anywhere due to you not having a license. He should do most of the driving since he moved BUT usually you still have a meeting point. So he may get some gas credit for doing all the driving.

If he is really an hour away, it is almost long distance anyway. So look at school calendar and write down the 3 day weekends they have in each month and offer those weekends to him so he has an extra day. You can also put a sentence in there that if dad is in your town and gives your 48 hours notice, he can take him for the day/night from after school until 8pm, away from your house. They will want a holiday schedule also.

Email him before you go and offer/write down child's school schedule and ask him to email you back if those dates work and what holidays he wants on even/odd years. (He may only want certain ones then you can mediate from there).

twistedtmama

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Re: mediation
« Reply #6 on: Jul 29, 2011, 06:15:18 PM »
I plan on agreeing to the once a month, but he doesn't want it to be a scheduled day, which I am going to say it has to be scheduled due to school, or other activities he might have, the judge already said he cannot have overnights, so I am not offering overnights, judge said he cannot have overnights until he has things for him, place to sleep,clothes, toys etc. I don't get what you mean by driving credit, I cannot pay for his gas, I don't have the money. He wants me to pay to take him out, I am not agreeing to that either.
 
also 8 is way to late, my son has to get up for 6 for school so instead of until 8 on a school night, I put he can have him on a school night until 6, so that gives him time to eat dinner, wash up, and do homework or what not.  My son will be attending school full time k 8am to 2:30pm

ocean

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Re: mediation
« Reply #7 on: Jul 29, 2011, 06:32:16 PM »
He can get child support credit for doing all the driving. Not that you would pay him but he would get a credit towards child support.
This is mediation so everything is back on table, he is taking you back to court so as long as he has a bed for child, all he really needs legally and they will tell you that. He should be getting overnights fairly quickly. You can agree to if he shows up for 3 weeks in a row then overnights start, something like that.

I agree with you that he needs to stick to a schedule and they should tell him that too.
If he has child on a school night, then he does homework with him and has him back to you for bed time. If his bedtime is 8, then he can be home at 7, bath him and off to bed. Just like if he had soccer game or boyscout meeting.

When was the last time he saw child? What exactly do you have on paper through the courts now? Depending on what the order says now, he can go in there and say you are not following current court order...

I am a little confused as you said you did not care that he take him to his sisters or his house but he is refusing then you just wrote you are refusing to allow it??

twistedtmama

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Re: mediation
« Reply #8 on: Jul 29, 2011, 07:02:20 PM »
He would have to be back by 6, his bedtime is 7pm, I put my son to bed at that time because I tried 8, and he couldn't get up for summer school so I had to start putting him to bed at 7, and no I wouldn't pay for his gas, I have bills and everything, so I really don't have that kind of money. Also the money I have left over, I do things with the kids and then occasionally do stuff for myself with my left over money.
 
And no he wouldn't be getting them fairly quickly judge told him he needs to get all that stuff, and bio dad refuses so he says he doesn't want him overnights. Right now its tuesdays but I am going to suggest saturday, because he also has that day off, and I think it will be a lot more easier, because my son doesn't have school so he can having him for all of saturday rather than take him on a school day and only have him for 3 hrs. I didn't say I wouldn't allow him to take him out, I am saying I am not agreeing to funding visitation, he needs to pay for when he takes my son overnight.

MixedBag

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Re: mediation
« Reply #9 on: Jul 30, 2011, 05:40:42 AM »
Good luck with your position.
 
IMHO -- it's not a good one.
 
GAS -- If dad spends say $50/month on gasoline, and CS is set at $100 per month, he might only have to pay YOU $50/month in CS.  That's how that MIGHT work.
 
6 pm return time?  7 pm bed time?  Those are parenting choices....and I won't discuss if that's a good choice or not.
 
HOWEVER, for a mid-week parenting time, "after school" until like 7-8 pm is NORMAL IMHO.  And DAD is fully capable of providing and feeding your son too.
 
I personally would love the print and send that other thread to your mediator -- it's quite telling of your true colors.
 
The mediator can not TELL either one of you what to do.
 
The mediator's role is to get you two to talk and come to an agreement -- so don't be surprised if you hear the same feedback you're getting here.
 
Lastly, this plan is meant for from NOW....until your child emancipates (like 18.).....so THINK LONG term, not just short term, or tomorrow.
 
Putting an teen ager, or even a preteen to "bed" in a long term plan is not gonna happen.
 
And if dad doesn't want to determine to SET the weekend, let him pick and give you say 2 weeks notice in writing.
 
 
 

twistedtmama

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Re: mediation
« Reply #10 on: Jul 30, 2011, 06:31:03 AM »
Actually my son HAS to go to bed at 7pm, at first it used to be 8pm but he couldn't get up for summer school, and also I had to pick him up early one day in school because he was falling asleep. So if visitation is interfering with school, then I doubt the mediator will be like who cares about your sons school.
 
Also he has tuesdays and saturdays off, I am going to suggest him taking him then because then he wouldn't have to worry about him coming back at a certain time, if hes in school and takes him that day he will get him LESS, takes him on the weekend he can have him the WHOLE day. Since he has saturdays off there is no reason why he cannot take him then.
 
Also mediation is not for just the FATHER to decide on things, the mother gets to decide as well, bio dad isn't making all the decisions, its a two way street, you both need to agree on things, based on the CHILDS schedule.

MixedBag

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Re: mediation
« Reply #11 on: Jul 30, 2011, 07:26:06 AM »
Once again -- you already have all the answers, so WHY did you ask what mediation is all about?
 
You know one thing DAD could ask for is something that says that HE is the only one to be called DAD, and that other additional adults in his life use other terms of endearment.
 
Trained mediator here, and I've been helping folks on sites like this for 15 years.
 
sooooo....
 
let's say dad agrees that FOR NOW, until child turns 6, a 7 pm bedtime is appropriate.
 
He could still return the child at 7 pm, and then the child goes to bed.
 
DAILY baths are not necessary.....that's again a parenting choice.
 
And Dad can feed him.
 
I don't "see" you as saying "YES, you're right" about anything.
 
I don't see you saying "YES, that's a good idea"
 
What I see is YOUR way or the highway.
 
Good luck!

twistedtmama

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Re: mediation
« Reply #12 on: Jul 30, 2011, 08:27:15 AM »
Then if bdad has a right to ask for things, then so do I. If bio and I have 50/50 then I think he has a right to say if a 7pm bed time is too early, but the fact that he wants to see him once a month, has never wanted to take him over night never had him, doesn't see him on a regular basis the bed time is not something he has a say about, when he gets a bed and what not, and things for him, and then decides to take him over night, then we HE has him he can decide what time to put him to bed on HIS time, my opinion bfather, has no business what goes on in my house during my time, and vice versa.
 
Also I think you are VERY one sided, you think bdad shouldn't agree to anything I suggest but that I should just agree to everything he wants, that is VERY HYPOCRITCAL. I think BOTH parents have equal say in schedules and what works, its just not for BDAD to decide or BMOM.
 
And he does need to be home for dinner, the few times bdad decides to exercise his visitation he has NEVER fed him dinner, he would always say I didn't make or have enough to feed him, so thats not very responsible at all. I would have no problem him keeping him until 6:30 a half hr before bed time, if he fed him dinner, and also if he offered to bathe him and get him ready for bed before hand, so then when he got home I could put him straight to bed. Also you skip right over my questions I am going to tell the mediator he has saturdays off as well, I am sure the mediator will ask then why not take him on saturday, you people don't seem to get that its not just what the father wants, and I don't see why you think I should always give the father what he wants, don't you think both parents have a say.
 
Also I told him I have no problem you taking him until 6:30 if you feed him his dinner do his homework and bathe him and he says its not his responsibility. So if he wants to take him until 6:30 he needs to do those things.

Davy

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Re: mediation
« Reply #13 on: Jul 30, 2011, 11:17:38 AM »
YES ... Every word and sentence Twisted post screams "POSSESSIVE", CONTROLLING" ... "ABOVE man's laws of human decency".   

Hopefully, Twisted will learn to separate opinions from the truths to comprehend reality and wisdom.

twistedtmama

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Re: mediation
« Reply #14 on: Jul 30, 2011, 12:36:12 PM »
How am I being possessive? Because I asked him if he wants to take him until 6:30 he has to feed his son dinner, I highly doubt that screams possessive, if you starve a child that is neglect, just to let you know. I don't see why he cannot take a little responsibility as well. Just like if someday he decides to take him over night if he chooses to let him stay up until midnight on his time, then thats his perogative, because its during his time. Honestly I think you are a bunch of dead beat supporters, and you are 100 always for the father, you just all scream hypocrites.
 
If you are all supporters of the fathers, and think fathers should get all the say, then why don't you all just give your kids to the fathers to raise and you all just step away from your kids? If the dads have all the say is raising the children, then whats the point of children having mothers?
 
Why in your mind do you think the fathers have all the say and the mothers should just have no say? Honestly I don't agree with the way you guys think, but thats just me.
 
 

twistedtmama

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Re: mediation
« Reply #15 on: Jul 30, 2011, 12:37:01 PM »
why do you think the father should get all the say? and the mother should just sit back and agree to whatever the fathers want? I don't understand your logic.
 
 
 
 

YES ... Every word and sentence Twisted post screams "POSSESSIVE", CONTROLLING" ... "ABOVE man's laws of human decency".   

Hopefully, Twisted will learn to separate opinions from the truths to comprehend reality and wisdom.

MixedBag

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Re: mediation
« Reply #16 on: Jul 30, 2011, 01:09:44 PM »
He didn't say that at all.
 
Let's put this into perspective...
 
If what you say is true, then dad only wants the child one time a month.
 
And you think dad has two days off a week that aren't even together.
 
So dad should drive an hour, pick up his son, drive another hour to his home.....and spend the day.....or stay local....doesn't matter...and then return his son by 6:30 pm until he turns 18.
 
Would you please think this through?
 
How about this -- you alredy know what mediation is about.
 
The fact that you're going shows "us" here that dad is an interested dad --just not on YOUR terms.
 
So....come back and let us know how your first mediation session goes.
 
You two are obviously gonna have to go several times before you'll come to any agreement on how to handle the next years until your son turns 18 or emancipates according to your state's age.
 
 

ocean

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Re: mediation
« Reply #17 on: Jul 30, 2011, 02:20:01 PM »
You have to remember you son is NOT a baby anymore and does not require that much at his house anymore. If he has a bed for him- even a pull out couch he will be given overnights. If you do not agree in mediation it will go back to the courts and you will get the regular standard visitation ordered. He is 5 years old, no 1. Some parents are "forced" to have their child FLY alone at this age to visit other parent. What the judge said when child was a toddler does not apply now. He no longer needs bottles, diapers, infant car seats. Toys are not a requirement. I think you got away with a lot because the father gave in last time. You may not get the same judge and even if you did, they will probably not remember what they said to you as they see many cases a day/every day.

What exactly is the father asking for? Does he want overnights? Does he want to change to Saturdays?
Right now he has Tuesdays and that will prob not work when child starts school sooooo what does he want?

Bedtimes, you will loose that in court. We had 7:00 on school nights-mid week visit and 8:00 on Sunday nights (from weekend visit). This started when skids were 4. This stayed until they were teens.

When your child comes home from school to sign up for baseball and boyscouts and they end at 8pm, what are you going to do?? My class is very tired the first few weeks of school, but they slowly get in the routine. The ones that were used to nap time at home had the hardest trouble. After a month, they were fine and making it to the end of the school day no problems. Then they were off to their activities. Some were right at the school. The school runs family programs and they START at 6:30-7 and go for about an hour. He is at the age where you should see he can handle bed time between 8-9 soon. You can not have child attend night activities but then say no to dad time. You will see the family court does not care about "parenting" differences.

Is there a way he can come get him after work on Friday, drive him the hour home then keep him until Sat night (if you works sundays?) ...that will be less on the travel in the car the same day for son.

twistedtmama

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Re: mediation
« Reply #18 on: Jul 30, 2011, 04:53:53 PM »
Didn't say what at all, he told me straight out when I told him if you want to keep him until 6:30pm you have to feed him dinner, do his homework, and change him for bed. And he said it's not his responsibility.
 
 
 
 

He didn't say that at all.

Let's put this into perspective...

If what you say is true, then dad only wants the child one time a month.

And you think dad has two days off a week that aren't even together.

So dad should drive an hour, pick up his son, drive another hour to his home.....and spend the day.....or stay local....doesn't matter...and then return his son by 6:30 pm until he turns 18.

Would you please think this through?

How about this -- you alredy know what mediation is about.

The fact that you're going shows "us" here that dad is an interested dad --just not on YOUR terms.

So....come back and let us know how your first mediation session goes.

You two are obviously gonna have to go several times before you'll come to any agreement on how to handle the next years until your son turns 18 or emancipates according to your state's age.



twistedtmama

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Re: mediation
« Reply #19 on: Jul 30, 2011, 04:58:59 PM »
I swear you people don't read what I write,we were in court a couple of months ago, bdad says he does not want overnights. He wants one day a month, and he wants my son to miss school the whole day during his visitation, no judge is going to go for that. And I don't work I am a stay at home mom.
 
 
 
 

You have to remember you son is NOT a baby anymore and does not require that much at his house anymore. If he has a bed for him- even a pull out couch he will be given overnights. If you do not agree in mediation it will go back to the courts and you will get the regular standard visitation ordered. He is 5 years old, no 1. Some parents are "forced" to have their child FLY alone at this age to visit other parent. What the judge said when child was a toddler does not apply now. He no longer needs bottles, diapers, infant car seats. Toys are not a requirement. I think you got away with a lot because the father gave in last time. You may not get the same judge and even if you did, they will probably not remember what they said to you as they see many cases a day/every day.

What exactly is the father asking for? Does he want overnights? Does he want to change to Saturdays?
Right now he has Tuesdays and that will prob not work when child starts school sooooo what does he want?

Bedtimes, you will loose that in court. We had 7:00 on school nights-mid week visit and 8:00 on Sunday nights (from weekend visit). This started when skids were 4. This stayed until they were teens.

When your child comes home from school to sign up for baseball and boyscouts and they end at 8pm, what are you going to do?? My class is very tired the first few weeks of school, but they slowly get in the routine. The ones that were used to nap time at home had the hardest trouble. After a month, they were fine and making it to the end of the school day no problems. Then they were off to their activities. Some were right at the school. The school runs family programs and they START at 6:30-7 and go for about an hour. He is at the age where you should see he can handle bed time between 8-9 soon. You can not have child attend night activities but then say no to dad time. You will see the family court does not care about "parenting" differences.

Is there a way he can come get him after work on Friday, drive him the hour home then keep him until Sat night (if you works sundays?) ...that will be less on the travel in the car the same day for son.

MixedBag

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Re: mediation
« Reply #20 on: Jul 30, 2011, 05:47:41 PM »
Who's not reading????
 
Davy didn't say that the father's get all the say.
 
Good luck....

gemini3

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Re: mediation
« Reply #21 on: Aug 01, 2011, 04:19:37 PM »
Mediation is when you and the other party get together, with the help of a certified mediator, and try to work out a settlement so you don't have to go to court.  Usually the mediator expects both parties to put aside their differences and work towards a compromise that gives priority to the child's best interests.
 
Having read your other posts, I don't think it will be very successful.  But good luck.

 

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