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Author Topic: How will I affect custody??  (Read 7747 times)

blm

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How will I affect custody??
« on: Oct 24, 2011, 08:47:40 AM »
I am engaged to a man with 2 kids. When the youngest was LESS than 9 months old their mother left with her boyfriend and moved across the country. She had nothing to do with them until my fiance and I started dating. Over the course of their lives she has been in and out of it for at least 3 years (the oldest kid is now 5 you do the math).We served her with custody a week after the oldest child's birthday this year that she "could not make it to" and the following week she moved back. She has now been here since April trying to make herself look stable and willing and her personal vendetta against me seems to be getting worse (accusing that I beat the kids, that I'm verbally abusive, you name it "I've done it"). Even though I have been willing to work with her; giving her clothes, shoes, toys, money... Stayed in touch with her letting her know things even while the kids were with us, even went so far as to go places with her so the kids could see us get along!

Being an outside perspective it IS in the best interests of the kids to live solely with their dad. She neglects, show favoritism, can't plan anything in their interests that does not revolve around her Navy boyfriend, and can't even get them Halloween costumes (we had to buy them but aren't even allowed to take them trick-or-treating). My fiance is a LOVING man who raised 2 girls for 2 years ON HIS OWN! He has always provided them with a happy stable home!!!

I love my fiances kids and they absolutely love me, and I do a lot for them, but I by no means want to take their mothers place (heck if there was anything I could do to keep the kids from having to watch her leave them again I would do it).


I am at a loss as to what to do because I'm beginning to feel like my close relationship with the kids and my fiance is causing her to be more manipulative and maybe even hurting his chances for custody. She constantly withholds things from my fiance about the girls because I MIGHT somehow have something to do with it.

Legally will my relationship with the girls or "being shacked up" with their dad hurt him??


tigger

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #1 on: Oct 24, 2011, 01:01:26 PM »
Well your comment of
We served her with custody
says a lot about your involvement.  She most likely was perfectly willing to leave the kids with the dad and have no or limited involvement as long as there wasn't a replacement for her.  Now that there looks like there is (from her perspective) she's got a burr in her saddle. 

You can't alter your relationship with the guy or the kids for two reasons, 1) it'll confuse the kids and 2) she'll get the idea that she's in control and can get her way by being difficult.  While I disagree with your living with the father and kids outside of marriage, I'm not sure what legal ramifications that'll have on his case. 
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Spaceman1982

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #2 on: Oct 24, 2011, 01:32:07 PM »
Nowadays it wont hurt. as long as he doesnt have a revolving door of mistresses the courts realize alot of people move in prior to marriage.
 
I would also stop texting her IMO. If she is going off with these false accuasations then I would just not speak to her. Doing the right thing doesnt stop others from doing wrong.

ocean

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #3 on: Oct 24, 2011, 03:02:47 PM »
Time to step back. Court gets ugly usually. If he has custody all this time and kids are started school then it should stay the same but she will have some sort of visitation.
How far away is she now? Is she in the same school district?
Joint legal custody really does not mean too much so do not get hung up on that. It just means they both have say in any school issues or medical issues. It is the visitation part that you have to hash out.

Start the low contact with her, especially during court. Use email to tell her children issues but only big ones, school activities, visitation issues. If she writes back, answer with one sentence or ignore her if she is just ranting. Everything should be signed by you BF only.

Legally you have no say in any of this and never will even if you marry. Step parents have no legal rights. Just go on your day and deal with the fall out of her time with them. Teach the kids coping skills as they get older. Do not talk about court with kids. Just say this is for the adults to talk.

For court, get binder of proof that he has kids, dr appointments, dental appointments, school records showing his address, first report card. Mom will get some sort of time unless you can you prove neglect. Usually if she is closer than 60 miles she will get every other weekend, and maybe a night during the week for dinner visit.

blm

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #4 on: Oct 25, 2011, 07:13:26 AM »
There was no custody agreement and there is now only a temp CO which completely messes with the kids heads. BM lives in the same school district NOW but has every intention to "get full custody of the kids and move with them".  I have stopped ALL contact with BM and per her request stopped doing things that "bother her" ex. taking the kids to the dr. when she sends them for my fiances week with ear infections and bronchitis, posting pics to FB, etc. (note that this was not a concern until we got engaged and I have always been this involved with them because I am going to school and am able to be there for them during the day)

I understand I have no say in anything and I try to stand back and just help the kids with the situation. This has been very confusing for them because she has never been around they have ALWAYS been with their dad. It's really hard because I love them as if I had them myself. BM constantly talks court around them and tells them their going to live with her, move with her, "pick when they get older", etc. Their 5 and 3 lady give me a break!!


Spaceman1982

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #5 on: Oct 25, 2011, 10:20:42 AM »
There was no custody agreement and there is now only a temp CO which completely messes with the kids heads. BM lives in the same school district NOW but has every intention to "get full custody of the kids and move with them".  I have stopped ALL contact with BM and per her request stopped doing things that "bother her" ex. taking the kids to the dr. when she sends them for my fiances week with ear infections and bronchitis, posting pics to FB, etc. (note that this was not a concern until we got engaged and I have always been this involved with them because I am going to school and am able to be there for them during the day)

I understand I have no say in anything and I try to stand back and just help the kids with the situation. This has been very confusing for them because she has never been around they have ALWAYS been with their dad. It's really hard because I love them as if I had them myself. BM constantly talks court around them and tells them their going to live with her, move with her, "pick when they get older", etc. Their 5 and 3 lady give me a break!!

You dont have to stop bothering her....shes a grown up. You can post pictures to face book....shes not their agent. I gave my wife power of attorney so she can take the kids to doctors....shes speaking for me, not my ex....my ex said something to our judge and he understood it wasnt for my wife to take away any say in emergency issues but gave us a buffer in case work issues came up during a normal check up. My ex also tried to tell the judge she didnt want my mkids to be flower girls in my wedding....how do you think that worked out??
 
Whats the Temp Court Order say as far as custody??

blm

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #6 on: Oct 25, 2011, 12:59:00 PM »
You dont have to stop bothering her....shes a grown up. You can post pictures to face book....shes not their agent. I gave my wife power of attorney so she can take the kids to doctors....shes speaking for me, not my ex....my ex said something to our judge and he understood it wasnt for my wife to take away any say in emergency issues but gave us a buffer in case work issues came up during a normal check up. My ex also tried to tell the judge she didnt want my mkids to be flower girls in my wedding....how do you think that worked out??
 
Whats the Temp Court Order say as far as custody??


The temporary order states that BM has the kids from Wednesday at 5 pm till Sunday at 5 pm (something cooked up by her that my fiance did not agree to; how it got signed we are still not sure). It takes away his weekends while he is off work and would be UNBELIEVABLY hard on his kids!!. But due to both kids being in school my fiance asked that they do Sunday at 5 till Sunday at 5. Which is all fine and good till something comes up at the end of our week, then she says she wants to go by the actual order and threatens BOTH of us with calling the cops to come get the kids. We have asked about getting it changed but quite honestly our lawyer is good but not nearly as helpful as he should be. So we have to "deal with it" till court which also just got postponed for the second time. BM is so unreasonable, manipulative, clearly doesn't care about the actual well being of her children, and a pro at making stuff up!!! Most courts favor mothers and we are scared to death!

Spaceman1982

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #7 on: Oct 25, 2011, 02:31:03 PM »
are you saving these texts and messages?? do you have Iphones??

ocean

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #8 on: Oct 25, 2011, 02:39:09 PM »
She has Wed- Sun every week??? That is her having custody...

blm

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #9 on: Oct 25, 2011, 03:26:05 PM »
are you saving these texts and messages?? do you have Iphones??
Yes we have them all saved and printed!

She has Wed- Sun every week??? That is her having custody...
What do you mean by her having custody???

ocean

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #10 on: Oct 25, 2011, 03:59:20 PM »
How did it go from him having them all the time to her moving close and getting 4 nights a week? Is she using dad's work schedule as a reason to be with her over you?

tigger

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #11 on: Oct 25, 2011, 05:45:13 PM »
Yeah her 4 nights a week are more than his 3 nights.  She has primary custody by default.
The wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!

blm

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #12 on: Oct 25, 2011, 06:10:22 PM »
How did it go from him having them all the time to her moving close and getting 4 nights a week? Is she using dad's work schedule as a reason to be with her over you?
There was no "custody agreement" prior to her moving back and the judge ordering the temporary order. It was supposed to be 50/50 but somehow the CO was drawn up by HER lawyer and that's how the Sunday-Wednesday/Wednesday-Sunday started. Is something fishy here? I had no idea someone could get Primary by default?!

ocean

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #13 on: Oct 25, 2011, 07:14:29 PM »
Well, many times what is put as the temp order survives into the perm order. You now need to prove that this schedule is not working and why (with proof). Is there a GAL involved for the child? Also, you can ask that a line be added to agreement that states "mother is not allowed to move children out of home school district without father's written permission". Then give these orders to the school district.

Really think you need a GAL or a custody evaluation so someone is looking at the whole background, look at emails, and talk to the kids about what is going on. A GAL is a lawyer for the kids.

If work schedules are an issue, a judge will usually give a bio parent time over a step-parent.

If she has more NIGHTS then she would be considered primary parent. Courts count nights, not really days.

Spaceman1982

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Re: How will I affect custody??
« Reply #14 on: Oct 25, 2011, 07:52:09 PM »
In Nevada, which adapts mostly from Cali law, they go by majority of the day (12 hours)

 

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