need help with visitation request letter... she's driving me crazy now...

[doood]

hiya.... i filed for paternity in june.... dna test was delayed... atty went on vacation... filed for a custody hearing mid-august... september i am legally the father.... early october mediator calls me to set up appt, i say i will be there ANY TIME the bm says... bm takes the ball and schedules mediation on 12-5-03... bm cancels appt at 1pm on 12-5-03. honestly i expected this and told the mediator so. she said i filed so it was my option to not reschedule mediation and send it straight to court, and i exercised it.  i've spent 20min with my son since june 15th. at the end of july bm set up a lunch date then did not show up. i called 6 times within an hour to find out what happened and she filed phone harassment charges. now the popo say that if any member of my family tries to contact her i will be arrested. so i have to write a letter to request some visitation...

PBFH:
I hope all is well with you. I would like an update on my son's health and development at your earliest convenience. Also, my family and I would like a chance to visit with "BABYBOY" over the holidays, to share in the magic of the christmas season. If there is any time during the week of Dec. 24 through Dec. 31 that would be good for a visit, or any time beofre that, please let me know.

Your Son's Father,
Doood

it's a rough rough draft.... i know all the wording's not quite right.... what say you??


thanks....

[oneandonly]

I believe there is form letters on here you could look at for a guideline but I'm thinking you should include a response date...like, please respond by Dec. 15 (or something like that?)...

[doood]

all the letters i've found here assume there is a visitation order... we were scheduled for mediation today but bm refused to show, according to the mediator....

[mom4good]

Be careful when stating "at your earliest convenience". This is very vague. I agree that you need to put a response date. I would use a form letter simply as a guideline.
Good luck.

[sweetnsad]

Starting it off with "PBFH" probably isn't a good idea...:-) , but the rest is good.  But be more specific than "at your earliest convenience"....Best of luck to you...

[hagatha]

Go to the mediation session anyway and see if there is any kind of documentation they will give you stating this was scheduled more than once and mother refused to show, then File Contempt!

Use everything you have including the  messages from her stating the accusation of abuse was made to hinder your access to your boy.

I would not make any attempt to contact her at all directly as she may try to use it against you because of the protection order. (doesn't matter if the order only says phone contact, she could try to have you arrested if there is any contact) I would ask the mediatators if there is anything they can do for you to facilitate visits during the holidays. Also ask them for suggestions on scheduling visits.

Your currect CO is for supervised visits, but I am assuming there is some type of schedule on when, where, how and who. You will need both a noterized statement from whomever is supposed to supervise visits and a promise from them to appear at a hearing if at all possible.

ANd one more thing NEVER, EVER take her word for anything. ALWAYS appear for any scheduled hearings unless you have something in writing from the court stating the hearing was postponed or cancelled!

The Witch

[doood]

well... it's about 29 hours too late to go to the mediation anyway.... :)
i think you may have me confused with someone else... there is not a visitation order yet. that's what the mediation was supposed to be for... the county is so backed up they do not hear custody and visitation separately and combine them into one case.
also, there is not, to the best of my knowledge, a protection order. i only had one phone conversation with an officer (one in early aug, one in mid-oct) during the last one he told me he was sending the case to the DA, and that if any member of my family tried to contact bm that i could be arrested.

trust me, if bm had called to say that she rescheduled mediation i would have played along... then showed up ready and rearing to go. i don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth anymore.

[JAFO]

I think it's fine except give her a deadline.

With no order in place, keep pressing until you get one.

[doood]

i mailed the letter out on fri 12-12-03... they attempted on mon 12-15 at her apartment and then on wed 12-17 there was a notice left in a different city, assumedly at her parents' house. i requested a response by 12-20 and have recieved nothing.
i want to mail another letter tomorrow. should i send it to her apt again, her parents' house (to B.M., % her parents), or her lawyer? her lawyer is going on vacation after xmas till mid-january so there's a convienent excuse for the bm not to grant any visitation.

[doood]

all bm's mail is being forwarded to her parents house. 90% likely bm and son are living there. first two certified letters are still sitting in the post office but the first class copies are probably making it through. i have received no response yet and am mailing a third request today.

[MixedBag]

I hope you're also pushing to get mediation rescheduled too..

Keep all your documentation.  You never know which piece of paper you'll need.

[doood]

actually, i had the mediator send the case right to court. i kept asking the mediator if there was any way that we could schedule both the mediation and the court date, because i felt that the bm was using the mediation as a delay tactic, and even if she showed up for the next appt, that she wouldn't sign anything anyway. the mediator said that since she'd had the case for so long already, and i didn't feel that we would be able to reach an agreement, she would put in her report that bm refused to show and send it to the judge.

bm's atty is on vacation for another week, at that point i'll start sending the letters to him, along with some proposed parenting plans.

[doood]

if i had any hair left, i'd be pulling it out right now. she completely sidestepped my requests to see my son. here's the exact text of the last paragraph from her letter back to me:

"With regard to visitation, you felt it necessary to manage communications through an attorney.  I was then compelled to retain an attorney.  He is still awaiting information which was requested through your attorney last October.  This has forced continued delays in the court process, which I had hoped would have been settled months ago.  Obviously, this has not been the case.  I look forward to your cooperation so we can get all issues resolved soon.

PBFH"

i don't know where to begin....

"felt it necessary to manage communications through an attorney" this is a complete fabrication.

"still awaiting information which was requested through your attorney last October" more BS... i think she's talking about my tax information from 2000 and 2001, which her attorney requested in december, not october.

"This has forced continued delays in the court process, which I had hoped would have been settled months ago." holy cow.... here is a list of all the delays thus far:
1. mother and son DNA sample - delayed two weeks by BM
2. mediation appointment - first week of october, BM set the appt for dec 8, a two month delay
3. CS hearing oct 17 - delay requested by BM ATTY because he was double booked
4. CS hearing dec 5 - delay requested by my atty, because she was double booked.
5. mediation hearing dec 8 - cancelled by BM mere hours before it was to begin
6. letters to BM dec 12, 23 and jan 2, response postmarked jan 7.


oh my gawd how do i go about responding to this crap????????? it's utter nonsense!!!!!!! this is her modus operandi, lies and half truths through the nose, followed by: "I had hoped [this] would have been settled months ago...  I look forward to your cooperation so we can get all issues resolved soon."

i'm going to write another letter requesting some visitation, this time saying, "saturday or sunday, morning noon or night, whatever works for you" but i don't know how to handle all the BS, whether to simply use a blanket "your letter contained several misrepresentations of fact" or to go through point by point and well, point them out. (we had several phone conversations in may and june that took this path... when i confronted her about the lies and such, she said, "well, you're arguing again, and it's stressing me out... and that goes to the baby through my milk so i can't talk to you anymore." click.)


ON THE POSITIVE SIDE.... i'm trying hard to find one here...

"I look forward to your cooperation so we can get all issues resolved soon." she seems to be unwittingly begging me to send her a copy of my proposed shared parenting plan. i will send a copy to her atty as well. i will also request that if she finds the plan unacceptable, to cite the # of the paragraph, a reason, and an alternate solution.
i think i have an idea of what she won't like (anything to do with equality) and i'll have a prepared response, citing studies and books and the best interests of our son.
or should i pre-empt her anticipated objections, and put my reasoning and citations attached as a memo to the original plan?

[nosonew]

Okay doood, she wrote this letter hoping to make herself look good.  However, send a letter like this:

Dear ____:

This is in response to your letter dated ______.  

1.  Your  ____st paragraph stated "That I felt compelled to communicate through an attorney..."  That is not factual.  In fact, I  was prepared for mediation, and requested such, and it was ordered in October, yet you could not "be available" until December.  Upon the scheduled date of mediation, YOU cancelled.  If your statement "I wish this had been settled months ago" was true, you would have made an appt with the mediator (I told mediator I was available at any date/time for this) yet you waited until December, AND then cancelled.

 2.  I am not aware of any communication your attorney requested in October.  It is my belief it was requested in December.  If you had an attorney in October, why am I just receiving an answer at this time? (be prepared to back this up with a copy of the letter from her attorney to yours).

3.  I sent you three (3) letters, dated Dec. 12, 23, and Jan. 2.  You had ample time to reply if you wanted to cooperate with me seeing my son.  You have my phone number as well as my address, which is obvious by your letter.  

4.  I would like to see my child (name, not child) as soon as possible, and I expect you to be reasonable with my request.  

5.  I have not seen _____ since ____ (date).

6.  I would expect that you will agree that I will see _____ on Saturday from 8am-8pm every week until a permanent plan is in place.  I am willing to pick up and drop off _____ from your home.  I expect a response via email, my email is: ______: (make up a totally new one just for her or you will regret it later). or via letter.  

7.  If _____(child) is on any special medications or has special instructions for care, please place a note with attached medications with instructions in a bag for him/her.  Only medications in their original prescription container will be administered.  (This is extremely important).  

8.  My only goal is to co-parent my child (put name here) and for us to learn to work together for what is best for _____.  I hope your goal is the same.

9.  If you could send me your parenting plan, I would appreciate it, look it over, and respond with any changes/suggestions.  Enclosed, find a copy of my proposed parenting plan, feel free to make any suggestions to changes/suggestions.  

Thank you for your time and prompt response.  

Regarding a response from the weekend visitation I am suggesting, I expect a response via email or letter within 10 days.  Regarding the parenting plan, I expect a response with suggestions/changes within 15 days.    (ALWAYS give a deadline on an expected response, but make sure it is reasonable).

Thanks again,


Me

What do you think?  

*You always want to be professional and courteous.  No slams, no digs. This really pissed me off, so hopefully I didn't.  If I did, other's will point this out to you, and don't use that part. *

Good luck dad, and when is your next court date??????

[MKx2]

Just to avoid issues ...

#1 - might be better worded a bit less aggressively, perhaps ...

1. Your ____st paragraph stated "... you felt compelled to communicate through an attorney..." That is not factual. In fact, I was prepared for mediation, and requested such, and it was ordered in October.  You could not "be available" until December. Upon the scheduled date of mediation, you cancelled on short notice. You have also stated "I wish this had been settled months ago" -  I am in the hope that this is the posture you are now taking and will continue to take with regard to mediation.  Postponing and cancelling the appointments will merely serve to drag things out once again.

I also would leave out the last part of the last sentence of #3 which states "... which is obvious by your letter."

Additionally, it would probably be more appropriate to refer to the child as "our" rather than "my."

Picky points, however, if the letter was ever introduced as evidence in court it might look better for you dood, as it gives more of a feeling of sincerity in wanting to "work together."

JMO ....

[doood]

wow... you captured everything on got it on the page... so hard for me to do...

here's my stab at paragraph #1

1. Your third paragraph stated that I "felt it necessary to manage communications through an attorney." That is not factual. Please see the attached Notice of Visitation Denied for a list of reasons I retained an attorney. You also stated that you "wish this had been settled months ago." In fact, mediation was ordered in October, yet you could not "be available" until December. I told mediator I was available at any date/time for this. Upon the scheduled date of mediation, you cancelled on short notice. I, too, wish we had reached an agreement months ago, and I am in the hope that this is the posture you are now taking and will continue to take. Postponing and cancelling appointments will merely serve to drag things out once again.

AWESOME AWESOME STUFF!
keep it coming, please!!!!!!!

[MKx2]

.

[MYSONSDAD]

Did you get the name of the officer you spoke with? Could be a friend of hers, jerking you around...

[doood]

bingo... badge #44. while we were dating she mentioned having a friend on the police force. i tried to tell him i returned his phone call and he never got the message, but he wasn't having any of that. at least now living with her parents she's 30 miles away from that police dept.

[MYSONSDAD]

Should not be too hard to find out if she has filed a complaint against you. I would think you would have been served by now. Do you have anything to back up what she told you or what this guy told you.

She is starting to sound like my ex!

[doood]

i have the officer's original voicemail, where he asked me to call him regarding "phone harrassment" of the bm, and i have a recording of when i called him back and left a message with the other officer, but i didn't have my recorder with me during the second phone call where he told me not to call her anymore, and that he was sending the complaint to the disctrict attorney, who would decide whether or not to pursue the charges.
i also have all the voicemails i left the bm that day, which are in no way harrassing, other than the fact that i left 5 or 6 of them in the span of an hour. she called me at 8:30am at work about meeting for lunch that day (30min away from where i work) and when she didn't show i left all the messages, trying to get a hold of her to find out what was up.

[MYSONSDAD]

I am not sure about the laws in your state, but in mine,  3 in an hour constitutes harrassment. Can you prove she called you at work to set up a meeting? You where concerned for your childs safety. I would have done the same thing.

I would think you could check with the DA about the complaint.

[doood]

i have the conversation taped, but i was in my truck and the engine (7.3L diesel) was running and it is very difficult to make anything out. she called totally out of the blue so i didn't have my wits about me to turn off the engine.

[MYSONSDAD]

Been there, done that.

I have missed many a 'Kodak Moment'

But documentation is outstanding!

[doood]

ah where to begin...

i never ended up sending that letter... we had a pretrial scheduled for early feb, my atty said to just wait it out because i didn't need another denial.

then she continued the pretrial because her atty was taking depositions that day, and it was postponed to march 1.

then we had the first cs meeting, and that was bittersweet... turns out she's making $15K a year, working at a child care center, and they were deducting $210 a week out of her pay for daycare costs.... the magistrate asked her if she knew that she was eligible for vouchers, the bm gave some long story about going down there twice and then she wasn't in the system anymore but her employer didn't accept vouchers anyway. the magistrate asked me if i had anything to say about that (my atty was 20 min late) and i was like, "if she's eligible for them and chooses not to use them, i should not have to pay for that money." the mag nodded her head, "yeah, that's what i was getting at." so instead of paying 50% of all daycare costs, i'm only going to be held responsible for 25%. the kicker is that the magistrate did not like an $11K deduction i took on my taxes.... so currently up in the air is whether they are going to figure my income at $39K or $50K. what one hand gives the other takes away. and bm atty asked the magistrate TWICE what they had to do to get back child support.

however... bm woke up that morning expecting me to whip out the checkbook at the end of the meeting and pay 10 months of back support... she even told the mag that i promised to pay her rent while she was off work, which got a huge guffaw out of me, because I HAVE AN $800 CHECK MARKED 'RENT & UTILS' WHICH SHE VOIDED OUT AND RETURNED TO ME. needless to say, she was pissed by the end of the meeting. so pissed she fired her atty.... and of course, the new atty couldn't be at the custody pretrial... so it was delayed AGAIN.

1. mother and son DNA sample - delayed two weeks by BM
2. mediation appointment - first week of october, BM set the appt for dec 8, a two month delay
3. CS hearing oct 17 - delay requested by BM ATTY because he was double booked
4. CS hearing dec 5 - delay requested by my atty, because she was double booked.
5. mediation hearing dec 8 - cancelled by BM mere hours before it was to begin
6. letters to BM dec 12, 23 and jan 2, response postmarked jan 7.
7. custody pretrial early feb 04 continued because bm atty double booked
8. custody pretrial mar 1 04 continued because bm NEW atty double booked

[MYSONSDAD]

Hey Doood, wondered what happened to you. Glad you got back to keep us posted.

Sounds like a lot of crap. I am in the same boat. Maybe my trial will come up before my son graduates High School, sixteen years from now.

It's like our time means nothing...

"Children learn what they live"