Out of State visitation schedule

[At a loss]

I am hoping to get some advice and direction in regards to initiating out of state visitation schedules.

I have full custody of our son (never married) as a result of a domestic violence issue. Our son is 3 1/2 years old and dad has only started visiting him as of February of this year, every other weekend by a court order. He has failed to get our son on his scheduled weekends because he "had prior committments" which I'm assuming couldn't involve our son. I'm okay with that but only when it conflicts with my work schedule having me to either call in sick or find someone to babysit which has been difficult. He doesn't give ample time is what I mean. This last weekend he didn't even show up at our meeting place nor call and hasn't called for a week now. I've made no attempts as well until I hear from him for his next scheduled weekend.

I'm going to be moving out-of-state in the next few months and am interested in finding out some other visitation schedules that I can propose to him at the time I tell him we'll be moving. This move is beneficial too me and my son for financial reasons as well as family support. Not to take him away from his dad. Please advise!

[MixedBag]

Since you're new here, I highly recommend reading tons of stuff you'll find at this site.

First, if you go to the "Moms without custody" board, there's a few links that go to current news situations where the "Mom with custody" wants to move.  One was posted by me as an answer to Gecko -- and think I think it was Gecko who started a separate thread.

There are plenty of long distance parenting plan examples in the articles section of the board too....

BUT I think that most folks here would recommend you really think twice about moving away from dad, period.  And the articles about what's happening currently to other moms might make you re-think your plans.

No one will condone an "uninvolved" or "sometimes involved" parent (in your case dad), but think twice (or three times) about moving away from him.

[Kimberly9]

How far away are you moving?  Will it be driving distance or flying distance?

Can your son's father take care of him for long stretches at a time?

[At a loss]

I am currently a resident of North Carolina and will be moving to New Jersey where I'm originally from. The drive is 10 hours and I do it about every three months throughout the year. My ex has two other children that are enrolled in a traditional school. I was going to try and schedule longer visitation around his childrens' schedule as well as my son's when he's in school. Give him adequate summer time visits as well. I also have remaining family in North Carolina about 3 hours from him now should I need some kind of "pitstop location".

What I'm concerned about, is him not adhering to our visitation schedule now and he only lives 3 hours away! What can I expect with a further distance? My son's extended family (dad's side) makes no attempt to contact my son either i.e. grandparents, aunt.

This coming weekend is his weekend and want to approach him with this issue having some possibilities compiled together. He's a very controlling individual and would like to have him a say in this matter as well. Such an "open agreement" I think would work out for both in the long run. Thanks for responding!

[At a loss]

Thank you for your recommendations. I certainly will check into those other sites.

This is a situation I have contemplated with for quite some time. To provide our son with a better situation financially and emotionally is the upmost importance too me. I get the minimum amount in child support that doesn't even cover my daycare a month. $250 a month. Dad "worked the child support system" by telling them he was a commercial fisherman that put his income into poverty. Meanwhile, he has two other children; 11 year old that stays with him and a 5 year old that stays at "nannie's" house. He lives with someone that already was established as well. He constantly tells me about all his new "toys" i.e. jet ski, motorcycle, new car, etc.  No problem for me, I usually say "great". It's not about the money anyway nor is it to create a problem in the greater distance between him and our son.  I want my son to have a fulfilling future and struggling the way I do now won't give him that.

I'll keep searching. Thanks again!

[mango]

We did a temporary out of state agreement. We did the first weekend of every month, rotated holidays, and split the summer, and breaks etc.. (it lasted 2 years) mother had a temp job, moved back since. (long story) They self "submitted" this agreement in court.

We attached a schedule of the exact weekends to the agreement for the next two years. So there was no confusion about what dates she was where. (Just get on timedate.com and you can go as far out with dates as you want.)

We did flights and driving combo. They split costs. It gotugly tho, wouldn't do it again.

If you want a copy of the rest  plan I can e-mail to you. It's only a schedule and not all the court mumbo jumbo.

SCHEDULE OF VISITATION:

Year 2000:
Child visits with Mother:

   November 22 – 26 (Thanksgiving)
   December 23 – 31 (Winter Break)

Year 2001:
Child visits with Mother:

   January 1 – 2 (Winter Break cont.)
   February 2 – 5 (child travels to Kansas City, MO)
   March 9 – 11 (requested instead of 2 – 4)
   April 6 – 14 (Spring Break-child travels to Kansas City, MO)
   May 25 – 28 (requested instead of 4 –6)
   June 11 – 17 (sched. wk. for 1st half of Summer-child travels to Kansas City, MO)
   July 15 (Reverse residential parent, child moves to Kansas City)


 etc.

[At a loss]

Thanks mango! That was even more helpful! Sounds like a temporary agreement may be more suitable to our situation. I work in the medical field so have much more of a flexible schedule than Dad does - typical 5 day or 6 day a week job. Will have to balance it out more around holidays and school breaks I believe.  I jotted down the info you've given and will add it to all the other possibilities! Will make for a nice big combination!

[Kimberly9]

would work best for him.

I hear you saying that the visits are not consistent now, and I am afraid if you are 10 hours away that Dad won't make the effort to maintain the relationship. . . so do whatever you can to give up some of the control to Dad.

I would suggest that you work up to son visiting for 5 or 6 days every month during the school year, and then reverse the schedule in the summer (son with Dad for most of the time and visiting you 5 to 6 days a month.)  There is usually a long weekend or a break on most school calendars.  Of course, at 3 1/2 you don't have to worry about the school calendar yet.   Moving away will mean that you will have to be very generous with Spring Break, Thanksgiving, Easter etc.  Because the time away from school will be time that your son needs to be with Dad.

I would just be open to the alternatives that Dad has first.   Good luck.

[At a loss]

Absolutely, I agree. I will be approaching him soon to discuss this matter. With his two other children in traditional schools, I would try to arrange extended visitation around their schedules as well. I am assuming he would have childcare for his 11 and  5 year old during their vacations and hope he would consider our son! He's not very bright by any means to figure this all out though. I almost have to write it all down for him to understand. He's had a girlfriend for the past year or so who I hope would add some helpful incite and not negativity. I never speak to her; we always deal with one another when it comes to our son and has worked out so far. But with such a matter at hand, who knows. I hope she isn't going through the abuse me and my son sustained during our relationship. If so, we probably would get along and have all kinds of things to discuss!

Thank you for your response!