BM will not follow decree 1 bit

[Stressin Out]

Looking for into and how to handle a BM who refuses to follow her divorce decree / visitation order.  Can't continue to call the police for assistance cause the kids think I'm picking on the BM.  Tryed emailing her, mailing her certified letter and still NO response to date.  I've been divorced for 2+ years yet separated for 4+ years and remarried for a almost 2 years.  The last email I got from the BM discussed the fact that I suggested abortion 6 years ago.  Since then, I've been the best darn father any kids could want.  With her bringing this up, I'm looking at is as though the BM still has issues from the divorce and discussing abortion is her only recourse.  Any suggestions????

Also, every attorney that I've talked to once the retainer of $1500.+ upfront.  Anyone know of any good attorneys that will take payment as we go?  Once we can prove the BM has broken the decree, the decree states that the other party (in this case, the BM) must pay all of my court cost.

[patton]

Unfortunately, you are probably going to have to pay the retainer up front, to get a CONTEMPT of the COURT ORDER in court.

I filed 6 CONTEMPTS on ex and won five of them, should have won the 6th one, but couldn't locate paperwork right then, as ex lied about that one, but what the heck, 5 CONTEMPTS are good!.  Ex was ordered to pay attorney fees, and was put on 5 years probation.

List each VIOLATION separately

Collect all evidence you have for each violation and put that in a folder or something with the violation

Judges HATE visitation VIOLATIONS that appear to happen around all holidays, so if this is the case, use these up front, to show a pattern!

Good luck, as my ex thought she was above the law and the court order also..........still does to some extent and I'm the sole custodial parent now.

[Stressin Out]

WOW Patton, congratulations.

I do keep tight documentation but I do need to color code the offenses right, for easy access during trial?

BM doesn't really play with Holidays yet she plays with every other day on the calender.  I have joint w/ liberal visitation yet the BM doesn't allow me to exercise my parental rights.  I've though about going to the school and just picking me kids up after "notifying" her weeks prior but I know what she'll do.  She'll either not take the kids to school that day OR advise the school that I've treaten to remove the kids and request that the school not allow me to pick them up.  I don't want to put that "teaste" in the school's mouth.  

I'm trying to pick up a second job just to gather some cash to put down on a retainer but in doing so, employers are asking if a Support Order is in effect and they'll take funds out of the second check to pay the BM for support which I do not think is fair.  To date, she gets $1k monthly and live at home with her parents while holding two college degrees, now that's BS.

[patton]

The more you have "prepared" for your attorney the less it will cost you.  You do the leg work as much as possible.  Get everything organized, Violation #1, Violation #2, etc. etc.  I did mine in date order over a two year period...and most were around some type of holiday.

You need to get SET times, when I was the NCP I had the following:

1st, 3rd, 5th weekends of each month
Every other Holiday (Christmas break was split was EOW each year)
42 days in summer (we live 100 miles apart)
every spring break (we live 100 miles apart)

Now that I'm CP she has the same visitation schedule, except she does not exercise all the times.

P.S. Right now I have 39 CONTEMPTS against her in a one year period!, but most are petty stuff.  The CSE just charged her with 4 CONTEMPTS of non payment of child support and in she goes back to court in Dec 17 and if she has not paid $500 in arrears she is to be arrested that day, per the court order, and spend 180 days in jail.  I don't agree a lot with that decision, why not let her do a work release program as to not lose her job!

[MYSONSDAD]

I have a problem getting the Police to file a report. They say it is civil and won't get involved. Bring someone with you that will testify in court. Camcorder exchanges with her denying you.

I made up a notebook binder for the Judge, indexed the pages, using different colors. Police reports, maps on distance, and so on. I catagorize everything individully. Also have color pocket folders with pictures and other documentation. If I am asked for anything in court, I have it within 2 seconds tops. But keep all folders in their own catagory.

I use red for critical stuff, green for money issues, blue for medical and so on. You know what your going for in a glance.

Also use a calendar on-line that changes font colors, you want graphics for court. I also use the Optimal for documentation and their graphics are wonderful.

"Children learn what they live"

[MYSONSDAD]

Another way to llok at it. If you pulled this, you would serve time, no doubts...

"Children learn what they live"

[Stressin Out]

Love the quote.

I too have experienced that same response from the police in my area.  I live in Norfolk Virginia yet was divorced in Virginia Beach.

Sounds like you really had your stuff in order, I thought I did until reading your message.  I use the Parent Tracker spreadsheet that SPARC's has.  I've been using it for two years now.

What do you think about using Outlook calender or would you recommend so other type of calender software?

[Stepmomnow]

If your divorce decree just gives you "liberal visitation", then it is not specific enough to set you up for contempt.  You ahve to go back to court to get specific dates, times and travel arrangements in order to get contempt for denied visitation.  It sounds like you try to set up visitation and she just egnores you.  

[Stressin Out]

Your assumption is correct.  The good thing is that I send half my letter certified and even leave half my voicemail messages of her Sprint phone which has a feature that will allow me to select options, such as a "heard" receipt.  I get noticed of the date and time BM hears my messages.

In the meantime, any suggestions of software I should / could use to make my case easier?

[MYSONSDAD]

Neat trick on the phone issue, I like that...

Several good Parenting Plans on this site, work on up that fits your needs. Ask for more then what you have now.

[MYSONSDAD]

The tracker here is good, Optimal is better, but costs. You can also transfer your information into Optimal. Optimal also has a calendar, but I do not use it. I use AOL calendar, but the older version lets me change font colors. Your calandars might have a font change in there. You can spot things at a glance, when colorized, for the entire month. Judges don't like waiting and they love organization and graphics.

I try to keep my colors coordinated in the binder, folders and calendar. Makes it easier if you have to find back information.

"Children learn what they live"

[Stressin Out]

Great, thanks.

[StPaulieGirl]

That's why I never bothered with a RO.  Like court orders, they're meant to be broken.

His visitation weekend was last week.  Youngest called on a Tuesday, and left a message.  On Saturday, after not receiving a call back from him, she called again.  He was in Wisconsin for his wife's cousin's wedding.  

I'm  mentioning this because I just received a call from my ten yr old crying about not being able to go to Six Flags Magic Mountain....even though tomorrow is my birthday(the kids stay with the parent who has the birthday).  I'm going through a probate sale of family property, so I'm stuck with everyone else's schedule over two hours away.  My two youngest kids are up where their sister lives.  I'm commuting back and forth.

I told her to quit whining and just go.  Yup, when they xray her and discover steel rods holding her broken thigh bone together, they won't let her into the park.  Bummer.  

Find a way to scrape up that retainer.  Just because you mentioned abortion does not make you a bad father.  

[Stressin Out]

Thanks for the encouraging words.

I know I'm a wonderful father even though I only see the boys every other weekend.  It was asked during the divorce hearings what my plans were with a young woman I was dating.  I replied for two years, I've tried to make since of what happened and the only person who helped me was this friend.  Now, less than a month after the divorce was final, we got married.  Now the ex-wife is livid daily because:
1) she knows how great a man I am.
2) I cook, clean, shop, refurbished the house we lived in, did ALL the lawn / garden work and came home and played with my kids.
3) I even gave her time to be by herself but she didn't know what that meant then...oh well.

Now she see how happy my new life is.  Yeah, she gets a grand a month for child support and it hurts...but I know it's for the kids.  I moved out of that home; which her parents gave us...whatever!!  Now I have a nice place on the beach, small but nice.  She lives at home with her parents.  I have a great job and a wonderful friendship with my wife.  We take mini-vacations twice a month, once for us and the other with the kids.  The sky is the limit for my boys..and the BM knows this.

Well, now I'm off to picking up a second job to help pay for an attorney to assist.  I'm gonna take the last guys advise and get better organized; which will make it easier for my lawyer.  Almost two years after the divorce and amost 4+ years after being separated, the BM just doesn't get it.  "Love" doesn't come from the pocket, it comes from the heart.  For her, she'll buy the toys, etc... but they still love the "family" time, the quality time they have with us.

The hardest thing for us is we feel helpless...and just watching from the outside and seeing the boys sad and crying cause they want to call or return to our house...crazy huh?

[StPaulieGirl]

You're welcome.  Some people cannot be happy.  Your wife is livid because of that.  You busted your butt to be a good husband and father, but it wasn't good enough.  It's never good enough.

I had to smile about your new life.  My daughters (25 and 22 tomorrow), are livid about their father's new house.  I could never understand that even though he works for one of the biggest defense contractors in So Cal, we lived in third world conditions.  Guess he was hiding his money, or spending it on his honeys.  When the girls came over, he pointed out all the new furniture they bought, how much it cost, etc.  Well, his wife is a teacher, and his inlaws live with them.  I figure between 2 paychecks, and 2 pension checks, they can afford it.  What I don't like is my kids getting their noses rubbed in it.  I don't care.  All I care about is the nasty head games.  

I'm sorry that you have to take a second job, but it will be worth it.  I fear that your ex wife's attitude will just get worse.  Always remember the saying, "hatred corrodes the vessel in which it is stored".  How can you love when you are full of bitterness?  

You must get organized and document.  I have to start saving paperwork to prove I take my kids to the doctor, and to document my ex playing games with court ordered visitation.  Here's something you'll love...when school was out in June, my youngest wanted to spend the whole summer with her father.  I said fine.  The day he was supposed to pick her up, they all shut off their phones.  She did an internet search for his company, but probably got the corporate office.  This was done while I was at the grocery store (buying the food they told CPS isn't in the house).  She screamed at some man with the same name as her father.  My son told me when I got home.  Wish I had thought to write it down.

Their father took them yesterday, despite the fact that he blew off his weekend, which was last weekend.  According to the papers, each parent gets visitation between 9am to 5pm on their birthday.  I won't see the kids until tomorrow, when he drops them off.  I'm commuting back and forth, like I said previously, however I was planning to drive back this morning.... until I found out that the kids won't be there.   He is taking advantage of me being out of town wrapping up loose ends.  My birthday is today, but I'm more concerned about finding a present for my second oldest who will be 22 tomorrow.

As usual, the ex and his wife, and both step grandparents retire to their rooms early in the evening, locking their doors.  I received a call from my little girl complaining that she didn't know how to get the old computer to work. 9:41pm...they're all in bed.   Then as I was dozing off, the phone rang and I got a panic message.  I still haven't played it back.  I get them all the time.  She tends to be an insomniac, and thinks it is perfectly acceptable to phone at 2 am. I think while I'm out, I'll go to Radio Shack and find something to record the message off the answering machine.  I meant to do it before her accident, but someone erased all the messages.  One was her in hysterics because she couldn't figure out how to uncap the Nyquil bottle.  My ex apparently feeds our ten yr old daughter Nyquil, to cure her insomnia. Do a search on my name, you'll find worse examples.  Nip it in the bud, so you can keep your boys from emotional harm.

Assholes come in both genders.  Get the best lawyer you can afford.  Whatever you do, don't let her yank your chain, because that's what they're doing with me.  It's all they've got....

[MYSONSDAD]

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"Children learn what they live"

[ladybug]

Our family, too, is going through some very trying times.  It's as tho we
 have all been caught up in a whirlwind and are still reeling from it.  The
way these alienating parents (in our case it's grandparents) get away
 with their wicked actions is beyond belief.  I have determined that
 instead of sitting back and letting it happen, I was going to take action.
  Here is what we are doing in Maine and you mignt be interested in
doing the same in your state.  It does take a lot of time but I am
 determined they are not going to get away with it.
 
I started by writing a letter to the editor about Parental Alienation
in our case it is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).  I had people call
 me who are going through a similar experience.  I found a woman,
through this, who wanted to join me in forming a support group. But we
 also wanted to inform others of this awful disorder that breaks up
 families and denies them of their civil rights.
 
Our aim was to INFORM the Guardian's ad litem, lawyers, School
Guidance counselors, Legislators and those in authority to do something meaningful for targeted parents & kids..
 
We set a date for a meeting and it's going to be held in a school, on Oct.

 25 (usually school rooms are free). Next we sent out over 125 notices -
on post cards (it's less expensive that way), put up posters, and sent Press Releases to the newspapers invited the 4 TV stations to attend this
 meeting. We call our group KIDS IN DISTRESS (that may change
 later).  We also have contacted family services groups who are more
than willing to help.  There are Kids pins you can buy and we are
 buying them to wear to identify ourselves and sell to others who are
 interested in saving our kids and help hurting parents.
We are hoping this will attract some much needed attention to this
vicious problem and bring it out in the open.?

ANOTHER IMPORTANT THING....did you know you could and should
contact the FBI regarding your rights being denied as stated in the 14th
 amendment sec #1?   -your right to life, liberty and the pursuit of
 happiness is being denied.  For more info on this go to -
//www.childrensjustice.org/crop
...you have a case and everyone reading this should write to the FBI in
 your area at once.  Let's make this an issue - we have a chance to
make a difference if we work together.  Send a copy of your letter to: The Dept of Justice, CRIMINAL SECTION, Civil Rights Div, 950 Pennsylvania Av, Washington DC 20530.  If you don't know the address
 of your local FBI office, (you should be able to find it in the tel book under United States Government) send it directly to the Justice Dept.
 and they will forward it to the proper FBI district.

It's the job of the FBI to investigate and the Dep of Justice to prosecute.

GOOD LUCK don't give up, it's the squeeky wheel that gets attention!
Let's take action, if we don't nobody will.  If we all write letters we will
 make a difference

Ladybug
(in Maine)

[StPaulieGirl]

The FBI of all people :D

[Louisiana]

Good attorney (how can you put the two words together?)
Just be glad you still get to see your kids.  I would take them to counceling and have the counselor explain that you are good for them.  And if mom doesn't want to do what she's supposed to than you have no choice.  You love them and not seeing them is not an option.  Don't count of court going your way.  I don't know where you are, but I'm in Louisiana, niether contempt or perjury matter if you have the wrong judge.  Be careful court can take your right away.  She might make false accusations of abuse.  I would keep a very carefull calendar of everything that goes on.  I would tape anything that might help you if you are ever accused of hurting your children.  I would become very familiar with Parental Alienation Syndrome and document any signs.  ALL NONDOMOCILLIARY parents need to get proactive and change this system.  Lawyers and judges shouldn't be involved unless some one has done something illegal.  We have become active in our state to change laws.  Little by little things may change.  There are many out there who have lost thier kids and these kids are growing up without both parents.  It needs to change.

[Louisiana]

What state are you in? My husband can't get any justice.  His children have not spent one night in his home since seperation dispite joint custody.  I guess it's joint in that she gets the kids he get the bills.

[Louisiana]

Have you thought of filing in non support.  My husband's ex tried to say he owed her $10K so he ended up in nonsupport with all the guys in hand cufffs.  The funny thing was, since she was dragging him in there he asked for a reevaluation of child support.  You can have the public defender represent you if you are the one making the charges.  He represented himself and got a $600. raise= reduction is support owed.  He made the case that she was under employed.  Obviously your ex is.
It was the one and only victory we've had.  He will be representing himself again Nov. 9 before the judge.

[Louisiana]

THIS IS AWSOME. We had an article writen in our local paper about PAS as well.  Of course she had to go and find someone who claimed thier child was abused and the father had used PAS to get off.  Any way we were a little disappointed.  BUT we have not given up.  Today I sent and email off to Pat Robertson,  a couple weeks ago it was Oprah.  My husband got the email address for one of the national news shows.  He'll be trying to get them to see what a big problem this is.  Anyway I'm saving your message because we've been talking about doing what you are doing.  This is great.  Thanks for the push.