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Author Topic: RANT / VENT / LONG / PBFH  (Read 5940 times)

DMcD

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RANT / VENT / LONG / PBFH
« on: Feb 01, 2004, 04:52:32 PM »
I swear, if murder weren't illegal! PBFH is so not on my Christmas list. YSS has been diagnosed with an adjustment disorder by three- yes, three - certified mental health professionals. His therapist, a psychologist and a child psychiatrist. Two of the three recommend anti-depressants. The third made no recommendation as to treatment because that wasn't her job. Therapist says it's neglect to not treat this. PBFH has been fully advised. She was contacted by the psychiatrist's office to determine her views and that pig tells them she will not agree to place him on anti-depressants and furthermore, she won't agree to have SD even assessed for her social anxiety or long term depression. The psychiatrit's office has to cancel the appointment for SD that we had to wait three months to get.

What is her reason? I called her yesterday to find out and she says YSS and SD don't want to live here and that having them diagnosed and treated is masking the problem rather than fixing it. I am guessing her idea of "fixing" it would be sending them back to her home to be neglected some more. Funny, I don't see either of them begging to go back. In fact, neither of them have made any comments about going back to live with their mother. They have both mentioned liking it with me and DH. They may feel torn, yes, I will agree with that. Desperate to go back with her. Not a chance.

She insists on discussing this with DH. No problem. She can talk it over with him all she wants, but the fact is, the issues will be the same. He will let her know that he will file a motion to have medication ordered and SD assessed if she doesn't agree and he will also ensure that he shows the court that she is continuing her neglect of the children's mental health as the NCP. She neglected it as the CP, why should a change of custody change her behavior?

Relieved the call is over, I start to get YSS ready to spend the night at his best friend's house. SD is getting ready to go to the mall. SD suggests that YSS call PBFH before he leaves so she can talk to him. I waited around for about 15 minutes and YSS still hasn't come downstairs, so I go up to see what is taking him so long. He is still on the phone with PBFH and he is obviously upset. After about 2 more minutes, he gets off the phone and gives the phone to OSS, who starts saying things like, "Because all he's going to do here is play video games. Because it's too cold out." YSS is about ready to cry. I ask him what's going on and he says him mom told him he can't spend the night at his friends' house. WHAT?!?!? Who the hell does she think she is?? I know she's his mother, but what does she think she's doing trying to dictate what day-to-day activities go on here. I'm sorry, but she had her chance to do right by these kids and she blew it. It's DH's turn.

I tell OSS to give me the phone when he's done and I ask PBFH what problem she has that YSS can't stay the night at his friend's house. Because he was over there last weekend and he can spend the day there but shouldn't stay overnight. Why? I ask. Because he should be home with the family. We don't have plans for the weekend, I tell her. Don't you take them to the park? Um, is it just me, or is it winter in the Northern Hemisphere? I could be wrong, but I believe it is, in fact, winter. I know the temperature doesn't go over 50 degrees most days and it's rained almost every day for the last two weeks. Those are usually signs that this would be the winter season. So I tell her that it is wet and cold and that the kids would be pretty miserable if I were to take them to the park. Well, she says, you should be doing family things. I have taxes to file, bills to pay and a house to clean. I wish I had a day to set aside, but while DH is gone, that isn't going to happen very often. I mean, I just don't understand it. She tells me it's not "their" culture to stay over at friend's houses overnight. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if a child was born in the USA and the child's parents were born in the USA, their "culture" is pretty much American culture?? And is it Mexican culture to not stay overnight? Even if that were true, PBFH was born and raised in America. The kids were born and raised here. How is it not "their" culture?? The logic is just not there. It's just not!

I tell her that I have already OK'd YSS going, so I was going to let him, but to compromise with her wishes, I would limit his overnights to twice a month. I let YSS know that his friend can stay over at our house on the other weekends. He seemed satisfied with that compromise. He was very angry with his mom. He didn't understand her reasoning, either. All I know is that those behaviors and strict limitations on her activities and friends are what stunted SD's emotional and social growth. I'm not about to allow her to do that to YSS, too. DH is in 100% agreement. I just kept telling her, but that's what kids DO! They have sleepovers.

And then PBFH starts in about SD going to the mall by herself. 15 1/2 years old. She's old enough to have a learner's permit, but, according to the Pig, she's not old enough to spend an hour and a half at the damn mall! It's infuriating!! SD has a cell phone, the mall is policed by private security, bicycle police and "bumblebees" (tour guides) and it's only a 7 minute drive from our house. SD is responsible enough to spend 90 minutes at the freakin' mall!! It's absurd, it's rediculous, it's insane!! I want to choke her and tell her that SHE is the reason YSS and SD have problems. SHE is the reason that they are the way they are and that me and DH are the one's who have to fix it all and that since she caused the problems, she should have no F-----G say in ANY of it.

Trying to get this uncontrolable anger and frustration out of my system, but I'm having a hard time. I desperately try not to hate her, but damn it, she doesn't make it easy. Thanks for letting me vent.


Sunshine1

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RE: RANT / VENT / LONG / PBFH
« Reply #1 on: Feb 01, 2004, 07:55:50 PM »
HOLY COW D!!

First off, until you get ahold of your frustrations and the anger you have every reason to have....I would definatley not have very many conversations with this woman.  What the hell are you thinking???  Avoid as much contact with her as possible and things will definatley improve within yourself.

Why in the name of all that is holy do you need to discuss what the children are doing at your house with her?  She has no right to dictate what goes on in your home.  Next she will be telling you HOW to file you taxes and pay your bills and clean your house!!  Hun you need to cut the contact with her down to a very bare minimum.

I also noticed she was playing the "culture" card.  Gimme a break.  Is she of mexican decent?  I deal with a Columbian decent nightmare of which was brought to America when she was 6 days old, raised by two white parents and had a sister and an adopted brother.  Told the judge and the evaluator that she was afraid that if the children were not placed with her they would not "learn her culture"  WTF???  You mean the AMERICAN CULTURE of which you were born into??  She almost pulled it off but she cannot speak a lick of spanish and has been to ONE Columbian retreat when she was 15.  LOL PAAHHLeeezz!!

The children came home the other weekend and announced they were Spanish.  *sigh* Whatever, they turn pretty tan in the summer but they are definatley half white and half COLUMBIAN, and very American!  This subject erks me too.

When we first got custody of the children BM and I talked alot, and it only caused me horrible heartburn and ulcers.  I would have conversations round and round in my head on what I would say next to her.  It had to stop.  It will only make you crazy...wehave had the kids for 3 years now and I can tell you, if I don't have to talk to her it is much easier on my stress-o-meter for two reasons...1. She is a lying sack of steamy dog sh*t, and 2. The kids are with us now, why on earth would I want to or need to discuss anything with her for.  The order says inform her of all MAJOR medical and school issues...other than that....you ain't gotta talk to her!!

I hope I helped in some way..  hang in there and seriously pick your phone calls wisely...otherwise she wins at getting in your head!

:) Sunny

Peanutsdad

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RE: RANT / VENT / LONG / PBFH
« Reply #2 on: Feb 01, 2004, 08:27:09 PM »
Ummm D??

I know I dont catch subtlety well, ( after all, Im a dense guy LOL),, but ,, are you pissed?

Do the calgon take me away thing.....and remind yourself, AND the kids,, Only 2 adults decide on daily activities in your home. She can no more dictate in your home than you guys could in hers when she was cp.

DMcD

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RE: RANT / VENT / LONG / PBFH
« Reply #3 on: Feb 01, 2004, 10:18:13 PM »
Yes, you are right. I avoid talking to her like the plague. The ONLY reason I talked to her about this in the first place was that YSS did not want to go without her consent. Basically, I had to force her to consent for YSS to not have a major stress attack. I would rather get in the line of fire than make him feel caught in the middle. If he hadn't been so worried about what his mom told him, I would have just shrugged my shoulders and told him I already said he could go.

And no, I do NOT have to discuss the children's daily activities with her anymore than she did when she was CP. It infuriates me to think that she feels she has that kind of authority. She is only doing this kind of thing because she doesn't have any power to make decisions so she tries to flex her muscles where she can. The only thing that this accomplishes is stressing out the kids. It's stupid and petty and useless, but it's there. PBFH was emotionally abusive then and she remains emotionally abusive now that they are with us. I feel the need to protect them from that when I can. I also want them to know that their mother's behavior and belief system is not the norm and parents rarely restrict their children in the way she has restricted them. They need to see that so that when the annual review comes up this summer, they will know what it's like to live in a "normal" family home and what it's like living in their mother's alternate universe. Then they can make informed choices when expressing their wishes to the mediator.

With DH out of state at the moment, I have full responsibility to these children and I will protect them the same as I would my own children. That inludes deflecting the abuse and demands of their psychopath mother. I agree I don't HAVE to talk to her and I agree that she has NO right to decide the day to day activities of the children but I DO have to make sure that they are not abused. It is a rock and hard place situation that I don't like being in. I'm just glad that YSS and SD see what their mother is like. Finally.

DMcD

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Yes I'm pissed
« Reply #4 on: Feb 01, 2004, 10:24:22 PM »
Pissed beyond words. You are right. I wish PBFH understood that. She's a nasty, horrible, disgusting, stupid, fetid, evil, grotesque, rotten excuse for a mother. Calling her a pig is an insult to all swine. She is filth. A pile of sh*t. But, that's just my somewhat biased opinion.


1angrystepmom

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RE: RANT / VENT / LONG / PBFH
« Reply #5 on: Feb 02, 2004, 04:50:45 AM »
OH.... MY..... Goodness....

This however doesn't surprise me in the least.  

As far as the "culture" thing goes, does she forget that they are 1/2 caucasion???  LOL

BM is grasping at ANYTHING she can to "flex her parental muscles."
I KNOW it is frustrating.  I know you hate seeing the children torn.  Unfortunately, BM, cares more about herself, and CONTROL, than what is best for the children, which has been demnstrated over and over.  *THAT is partly why you and DH are NOW the CP's.....

ONLY discuss with her major medical issues.  Can YSS's "medical" issue, be related to his education??  (Explain why he is/ has done poorly in school)  IF it can be, *make sure it is documented by medical professionals* DH has the FINAL SAY, remember.... he has sole decision making regarding the education issues....

Haven't the children still been going to counseling??  Can their current counselor, evaluate SD??  or is this being recommended by the current counselor, to go to someone else for further eval??

Has DH called BM regarding the issues you have adressed?? I know he is away, but this is certainly something he should be discussing with her (the medical/psychological issues).  

I agree with the other posters, it is NONE OF BM's BUSINESS what you do on a day to day basis.... it is YOUR FAMILY BUSINESS.  THE ONLY thing she needs to know about is the medical/educational issues, NOT what you are having for dinner, and if the laundry got folded today.

I will try and call you when I get home from work today...  I miss talking to you, things have been REALLY CRAZY here lately!!

BIG HUGS!!
Amber



 

DMcD

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RE: RANT / VENT / LONG / PBFH
« Reply #6 on: Feb 02, 2004, 09:08:37 AM »
I had actually asked Soc about relating his emotional issues to directly affecting his education and thus giving DH sole decision rights. He said something along the lines that because it's both and could be argued either way, we would have to go to court to clarify orders and he suggested instead of doing that, it would be easier just to take it to court to have meds ordered and/or change the verbage in the order to standard joint custody language (ie: parents shall CONSULT, if no agreement, either parent may exercise legal control). I don't see any problem with standard language. BM never had to get DH's agreement, she just had to consult with him. Even that was too hard for her because he never got a call about their education or health.

The therapist recommended the psychiatrist because counselor thinks both SD and YSS would benefit from a mild anti-depressant because she believes that their depression is long term and has become "organic". That's a chemical depression that can't be treated with therapy. There are painfully few child psychiatrists in the area that are covered by our medical insurance so it is just frustrating as hell that after all our waiting, the therapy, the appointments, the paperwork, the insurance authorizations, we end up with nadda. SD continues to suffer with long term depression, withdrawal, social anxiety and a host of other problems.

DH will be calling BM this afternoon and believe me, he's going to start out nice, but he's going to get mean if she insists that the kids don't need extra help that we, the parents, can't provide and that the therapist can't provide because she can't break through the depression. This WILL be used against her in court and in mediation. I'm also going to ask the atty to contact BM's atty to see if our atty can impart the importance of this and the fact that his client continues to refuse to care for the children's emotional and mental health and has barred diagnosis and treatment of their issues. His client with be brought to court to explain her refusal to approve treatment and this will be used as proof of neglect and her failure to protect the children's health in future court actions. Perhaps her atty can advise her that this may seal the deal when we go in for a review hearing. She's never going to get the kids back, but she may loose some time if she keeps this crap up.

I'm looking forward to your call. :-)

sweetnsad

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LOL...
« Reply #7 on: Feb 02, 2004, 11:35:16 AM »
ROFLMAO...I wish you were around when I needed some English to describe PBFH in our lives!!!

Hang tough D, everything will work out...:-)

DMcD

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RE: LOL...
« Reply #8 on: Feb 02, 2004, 11:59:11 AM »
I was trying to be a little restrained. You want language to describe her, I will gladly give it to you! LOL

DMcD

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UPDATE
« Reply #9 on: Feb 02, 2004, 01:44:30 PM »
I talked to DH's atty (who I also work for part-time) and he said that we will sit down and draft a letter to BM's atty tonight to see if this can be resolved out of court. If she won't agree to the meds for YSS and an assessment for SD, DH's atty will file an ex-parte hearing to have the assessment ordered, at minimum. There is a possibly that they may be able to have meds ordered for YSS in the interim until this can go to court for a regular hearing. The kids' therapist agreed to put her views in writing and although it won't be as specific in nature as the information she provides to the parents, it will be a bolster to the case. We currently have two Dr.'s with the same diagnosis and one in favor of anti-depressants. We will now have his regular therapist putting something in writting to confirm and strengthen the opinions of the other doctors. I hope that the judge sees through BM's actions in that she wants to prolong his problem so that she can point her finger at us and tell the mediator and judge that he's unhappy here and that he wants to go back with her. How self-serving and unconcerned about her child's welfare can one person be? I hope this works. I'm also going to mention BM's attempt to dictate the everyday activities here in my home. I wonder if he won't try to address some of that if this has to go to court. Damn, she is shotting herself in the foot with this foolishness. Repeatedly.

Thanks for everyone's support and suggestions. Keep my skids in your thoughts and prayers and lets all hope that they make it through this time relatively unscathed. Maybe one day their mother will realize her mistakes and try to correct her behavior. I'm not holding my breath, but one can always have hope.

nosonew

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RE: UPDATE
« Reply #10 on: Feb 02, 2004, 06:30:58 PM »
Unless bm has M.D. behind her name, she doesn't have a chance to fight it.  Our bm put my ss on 3 different anti-psychotic meds, (which he didn't need) and we HAD to give them to him or lose visitation.  It took 3 years in court and a child psychiatrist that specialized in these disorders to correctly diagnose ss and he concurred with us that he was completely misdiagnosed and didn't need any of the medications.  

So, although we were not in your shoes, it works the same way.  You get a prescription from a doctor, and she HAS to give it, or the kids DON'T go. And many meds have to be given daily or it can cause problems, so skipping the weekend dose is not an option.

DMcD

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RE: UPDATE
« Reply #11 on: Feb 03, 2004, 01:33:38 PM »
Well, that's encouraging. I don't want to drug him up and I would rather him not be on medication but his therapist says that his depression is preventing her from really getting to the issues and her therapy with YSS is compromised. The concern is that BM and her atty will argue that YSS wants to be returned and that I am not capable of taking care of him so I'm just trying to have him put on meds. Forcing BM to agree or taking away her decision making rights as a parent by bypassing her through the court is another concern. Frankly, I wish she would just tell YSS that it's OK if he likes it here and she won't be mad at him if he does. I think that will solve more problems than any pill ever could. Of course, she won't do that so we are in a position that he has a problem, BM exacerbates the problem by her crying and "oh, I miss you and wish you could home" bullsh*t that she lays on him and we can't do much about it without BM's consent. She would rather have him remain depressed until the next court date so she can give everyone a big "I told you so" than put him on a mild anti-depressant for two or three months to help him with the final stages of adjustment to our home. Either way, I don't think it look very good for her. No matter what happens, I hope that by the end of the school year, he will be happy and well-adjusted. I would hate for him to have to go through this crap every year. Thanks for your info and maybe the judge will see past the selfish desires of a poor excuse for a mother and see that she is refusing treament for her son to satify those selfish desires.

nosonew

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Question McD...
« Reply #12 on: Feb 03, 2004, 02:46:25 PM »
Does it specify in your order that you CAN'T put child on meds if both parents don't agree?  If not, DO IT NOW!  Most dads I know want to do exactly what the c.o. says, "joint parenting=joint decision making" and that is fine EXCEPT when crap like this happens.  As residential parent, your dh (you're sm right?) can do this without her permission.  If she DOES NOT give the meds, the court may even yank visitation.  And, I take it, she doesn't have M.D. after her name...ha ha.

DMcD

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RE: Question McD...
« Reply #13 on: Feb 03, 2004, 08:41:42 PM »
It says all "major medical decisions" must be by agreement or parents can file for mediation, counseling, abitration or a hearing. The children's center that diagnosed him was contacted by BM and they asked me for a copy of the court order. They said that since BM doesn't agree, they cannot continue treatment per the court order. Since they can't continue treatment, they will not be able to renew his prescription, do med checks or do any further testing or treatment. This means that even if I were willing to do something that may be seen as a violation of the order, I couldn't because the children's center won't see him again without BM's consent or a court order allowing them to continue. They won't even see SD for an assessment.

DH's atty called the mediator who issued the recommendation to change custody. He hopes that she can provide some insight on how the court might view this and her opinion as a psychologist, a mediator and a lawyer. The atty also wants DH to call just to confirm that this is DH's decision and that I'm not acting alone regarding these issues. DH hasn't been able to contact BM about this, but hopefully, he will be able to reach her tomorrow. It is such a sensitive issue and it could look really bad for DH (YSS having problems because his dad isn't here, not wanting to be here, emotional upset due to seperation from BM, etc.) or it could look really bad for BM (denying needed medical treatment, placing her feelings above the well being of her child, etc.). It's going to look bad for someone, we just don't know who.

I know DH's absence is painful for the kids. I know YSS didn't really want to live with us, not at first, anyway. The problem with all of that is, the change of custody was recommended for very good reasons and the kids were not being taken care of while in BM's care. I have twice the kids and half the support network BM had and I still manage to get everyone's homework done every night, get them to the doctor for check-up's and sick visits, attend school meetings and special ed conferrences and still cook a well balanced dinner every night. BM never helped with homework, hadn't ever taken the kids in for a check up, hadn't ever taken the kids to see a dentist, rarely, if ever, contacted teachers when the kids brought home bad grades (which was all too often) and they ate out almost every night, which is why my YSS had a cholesterol reading of well over 200 DL. The only time they have missed a therapy session while they have been here was if they were on a visit with BM or it was over the winter holidays. BM couldn't even take them to see a counselor once in the three years she had a court order to put them into counseling. Not ONCE. There were and are serious problems in BM's home. This is only the documented issues. This doesn't even go into the emotional abuse, which we haven't been able to document well enough to prove.

To answer your other questions, yes, I am the SM. DH is away on deployment until March. I have been parenting his three kids and our three kids since late October. And no, BM doesn't have an M.D. behind her name. She's a clerk-typist. She barely got a diploma and was on welfare for about 8 years before she was forced to get a job. She's as dumb as a stone boat and completely overtaken by anger and hate. She is probably the most bitter, unhappy person I have ever met. My SIL said something that made a whole lot of sense. She told me, "This isn't about HER kids. She only wants to keep them because their HIS kids." My SIL is absolutely right on the money with that statement.

nosonew

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RE: Question McD...
« Reply #14 on: Feb 04, 2004, 02:44:31 AM »
That is really too bad. Hopefully when you get back to court, they will change the wording, etc.  Perhaps a case manager would be more appropriate than mediation, unless your mediator reports directly to the court.  Our case manager straightened out everything, in a short time, so, good luck, and keep us up to date on what is going on!

DMcD

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Question for you....
« Reply #15 on: Feb 04, 2004, 08:57:44 AM »
We don't have a case manager. I don't even know if they have those in CA. How did you get one?

When I hear of a case manager in referrence to kids, I think a CPS case worker. Not that BM's current and prior actions aren't textbook child neglect, CPS has never been involved with her home and family or our home and family. I am curious, though. That sounds like something we could use. Can you give me some more info about it? Thanks.

nosonew

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RE: Question for you....
« Reply #16 on: Feb 04, 2004, 02:16:58 PM »
The judge appointed her.  She also does mediation, divorce counseling, etc.  But the case management is great.  From what I understand in our state, mediation discussions aren't reported back to the court, and that is what we needed.  I would imagine your attorney could request someone, whether a mediator or case manager that REPORTS back to the court and can make recommendations to the court based on 1. the two parties coming to agreement regarding issues, or 2. Her recommendation based on the facts of the case without total agreement between parties.  Good luck!  

DMcD

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Sounds like a great way...
« Reply #17 on: Feb 04, 2004, 03:29:37 PM »
to resolve diferences and help the parents reach settlements without the kids getting dragged into court and all the emotional stuff that comes along with it. I have never heard about something like that being done in our state, but I think they should do that in every state on every case. If we were to ask for something like that, it would probably get referred back to mediation. Mediation is a good idea in therory, but if the parents don't agree, the mother is almost always the one who gets her concerns addressed. There is still way too much in the way of bias against fathers to really make that a viable solution in most cases. I'll keep you and everyone else posted on what happens. It looks like we're going to have to go to court AGAIN. Blah.

TLWE

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RE: RANT / VENT / LONG / PBFH
« Reply #18 on: Feb 05, 2004, 09:01:18 PM »
McD.....I haven't been around in a while....but I am sending BIG hugs your way!

 

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