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Author Topic: Can't we stop these harassing phone calls?  (Read 8248 times)

tulip

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Can't we stop these harassing phone calls?
« on: Feb 19, 2004, 07:20:07 PM »
Dh and I have had a problem with harassing phone calls from his xw for years. We are getting better at dealing with that. He mostly hangs up on her now when she is flying off the handle. Last night, though, he actually called the police. Good for him, I say. She was pissed about something very stupid, and called him screaming and said she was going to come over here. So he called the cops. The officer he spoke to is somewhat familiar with their case, and thinks she's a nut, by the way. He said if she comes over here, they can come over and arrest her, but can't do anything about the phone.

Well, today she called to talk to the kids. We were getting ready to go out, so of course it upset her to have her time limited, but all she did was tell the kids that they had been very disrespectful to her, and basically, tried to make them feel like crap. SS was crying because she was telling him that she did not want me volunteering at his school anymore. He stuck up for himself, which was a big surprise to dh and me. He told her that he likes it when I help at his school (in sobs.) That made her mad, and I could hear her screaming at him over the phone--and I was sitting on the other side of the house.

I don't think she should have any right to call here and treat the kids like that. I told dh that if she is going to do that to him, he should interupt the call and tell her to call back when she has something nice to say to them. He has custody of them this week, and that should give him the right to protect them from this verbal abuse. He is worried that if he interferes with her right to speak to them on the phone, she can hold that against him when they go back to court.


MixedBag

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Yes
« Reply #1 on: Feb 19, 2004, 08:09:37 PM »
What's in the order about letting phone calls go through to the children?

In mine, it's silent -- so the EX could start playing games and not let me talk to my son....and vice versa when my son is here.  

In DH's, it gives a specific time to call and an alternate time.  We're finally at a point where DH can call just about any day, but it took her a while to get there and then she still gets in a mood and uses that as a weapon.

Are you one week on/one week off?

I believe in taping phone call if the state allows for starters.

Then I believe in having Caller ID to identify who is calling.

Then my fax machine prints a caller ID report to show who called even if they don't leave a message.  (So I can call back easily and it's proof on my end even if they hang up before the answering machine picks up.)

DH's EX has his cell phone number -- but for a long time we didn't give it to her because she just called and yelled at him all the time AND didn't care that he was at work when she did this.  She has it now, and there's only been one episode so far....

My EX does not have my cell phone number and the judge recently said I don't have to give it to him -- because he gives it to DH's EX who calls and yells at me on it....follow that?  

If you want peace and quiet at home, turn off the ringer for starters.  Important callers will leave a message.  You can explain to friends and stuff why you had to call back later and believe me, they will understand.  Don't know how many times we've had to do that JUST to get a full night of sleep.  Warn your parents and important people that "sometimes" you just have to do that.....they will understand.

As for what she says to the children -- if you're allowed to tape, that should help.  Teaching the children to deal with her in a positive way also helps....and it sounds like you're headed in the right direction.  You can also teach the children to say "Mom, I love you and I'll talk to you later when you've calmed down." and then hang up.  Maybe mom needs a "time out" to get herself under control....and well, you know.


Peanutsdad

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RE: Can't we stop these harassing phone calls?
« Reply #2 on: Feb 19, 2004, 08:34:25 PM »
My orders are also silent on the issue.

My ex calls ONE time and is out of line, I inform her I am blocking her number for 2 days beginning when I hang up,, then I DO IT. I've gotten WAY fewer calls that are harrassing since I started that.

MYSONSDAD

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RE: Can't we stop these harassing phone calls?
« Reply #3 on: Feb 19, 2004, 09:06:35 PM »
Check your state statues. In my state, 3 calls in 15 minutes constitutes telephonic harrassment. What she is doing to those kids is really crappy. What a b*tch.

On trick I use is go on line. I have call alert. I think call wave is about the same thing. When she calls, print it out. Make a copy everytime. It will show she has a patern. Your kids deserve some peace of mind.

Loved the idea of turning the ringer off.


"Children learn what they live"

Forthelittleones

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RE: Can't we stop these harassing phone calls?
« Reply #4 on: Feb 20, 2004, 05:00:37 AM »
If she is verbally harrasing the children to the point of making them cry, you can call CPS and lodge a complaint against the mother for the abuse.  Then the CPS worker will come out during the time you have teh children.  I know that some people do not beleive in CPS.  We do. It has helped us tremendously when the EX did false abuse allegations

Another avenue is to take them to a play therapist who can help them with dealing with thier mother. SHe will also be able to document it and then you can go through the court to get something done about it.

I would also file harrasment charges if there are more than 4 calls in an hour.

Good luck


Peanutsdad

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RE: Can't we stop these harassing phone calls?
« Reply #5 on: Feb 20, 2004, 05:19:14 AM »
Here I could file phone harrassment complaints all day long,, they wont prosecute em,, I can call cps til I'm blue in the face,, nada. Thats why I go the route I do,, less stress, and a damn sight less of my time eaten up by her, the police, the lawyers, and the courts.

thairagain

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I agree w/ Peanuts, cause we did the same thing and it worked!
« Reply #6 on: Feb 20, 2004, 05:56:27 AM »
It was amazing how the bm's attitude changed when we blocked her number one time for harassing phone calls.  On 3 separate occasions we had rec'd no less than 10 calls w/in a 2 hour period.  We warned her that if she continued, then we would block her from calling us for a period of 24 hours.  She didn't listen; so we blocked her number.  No more harassing calls! lol

She still calls and upsets sd by yelling at her and such, but sd usually just lets it all roll off of her shoulders.  Bm usually ends up childishly hanging up on sd.  But bm knows now that once she voluntarily ends her phone call, then she better not call back again, over and over and over.


Blocking the number, is easier, less expensive, and less time consuming.  Plus you get to enjoy peace and quiet for the time being!

Good luck
thair

tulip

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Thanks for all the ideas.
« Reply #7 on: Feb 20, 2004, 07:20:34 AM »
I will talk to dh about blocking her number. I know she will just call his cell, then. She has made a big deal of us not answering the phone when she calls, but when we know she has nothing nice to say, I don't think she should have to answer the phone.

He also is afraid that if he doesn't let her talk to the kids, she will call the police. I say, let her. They have a whole file up there showing what a freak she is. I seriously they doubt they are going to tell dh that he has to let her talk the kids when she is making them cry.

The j & d is very vague about telephone contact. We were trying to get it written into the parenting plan that neither can call each other's house between 8 and 8. But we can get a parenting plan written, because she is refusing to go to mediation.

I think blocking the number would be the best way for us. Then when she calls the police because we are not letting her talk to the kids, we will tell them why.

Indigo Mom

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RE: Thanks for all the ideas.
« Reply #8 on: Feb 20, 2004, 08:00:13 AM »
Couple of "things".

Threatening to block the number for X amount of days.  That sounds awesome, but with "my" exes, I can guaranTEE I'd be brought back to court.  So, I'd say record EVERY conversation with her...especially the one where you tell her you're about to block her if she doesn't stop harrassing you or the kids.  I know I'm a little rebel, (without a clue...lol) and I personally am not concerned with the phone "laws" regarding one party/two party.  You NEVER know when you're going to need a tape to prove you not only warned her ahead of time, but also "why" you were doing this.  If you're in a two party state, and dont' record?  What's to say the ex won't call the police, file a report that on X day at X time, you threatened to mutilate her body?  Protection....

I "do" like the threat pd does, in fact, I LOVE it...lmao!!!  If it works, more power to him...but like I said, in my cases, I'd have my bootie charged with contempt if I did this.  You guys know your ex better than anyone here.

Turning the ringer off is great, too....BUT....(and I always have a but, don't I?) what's to stop her from filing contempt because you didn't answer the phone? If you have caller ID, it will show she "attempted to call her "precious little babies."  (don't you just love when morons pretend like they actually care about the kids?)  

I guess what I'm saying is...record each and every phone call from the ol battle ax.  Don't let anyone know...the kids, the ex....no one.  If you have a GAL, or may get one in the future, this person can listen to the tapes to get a feel for the nutball...he/she just can't use them in court.




tulip

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Indie, my dh totally agrees with you.
« Reply #9 on: Feb 20, 2004, 12:07:16 PM »
But their divorce decree doesn't state that she can call them every day, or several times a day. It says "reasonable phone contact."

MixedBag

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About blocking calls...
« Reply #10 on: Feb 20, 2004, 01:31:15 PM »
I agree with PD -- and we've done that with our e-mail.  BUT alls she has to do is find another phone and then you gotta block that number too....just like e-mail.  

Change the cell phone number -- and do a *67 to block it on any caller ID when you use it to call her.

We too have blocked e-mail and have said "In a week, it will be unblocked" and she just laughs at us as if to say "Who cares!"    And yes, we will change the cell phone number IF she has another episode.

When she calls and leaves a message, let the children call back at a reasonable rate of return (like ONCE a day) or something.  I wasn't trying to say "Don't let the kids call her back or don't tell the kids that she called."  And I hope that no one took it like that.

One suggestion that I read once too was to have the kids call ONCE and then that takes away her need to call them again later in the day.  Maybe that will make for a polite conversation....because you've caught her off guard and not when she's in a mood to fight.


Peanutsdad

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RE: About blocking calls...
« Reply #11 on: Feb 20, 2004, 01:55:34 PM »
LOL MB, my ex tried all that,, using a neighbors phone, having her mother call, calling my cell, the email thing.

When she calls from a neighbor, I tell her that its now blocked, and her number block just went to a week if I had already blocked her.

I block on my cell also, email too. When her mother called, I answered it politely, gave her the information she asked for and asked her not to call me again....politely.


See, I used to stress over her actin like a twit on the phone and in email,, but once I discovered that the "authorities" arent gonna do anything, I took the steps I did and live much happier.

MixedBag

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I agree with you
« Reply #12 on: Feb 20, 2004, 02:08:35 PM »
which is why we are happier too....and I bet your EX hates that, now doesn't she?

Peanutsdad

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RE: I agree with you
« Reply #13 on: Feb 20, 2004, 02:45:32 PM »
Actually, she's got a full plate with her own woes right now,,,, she pissed away a 40k a yr job,, and has no education. She lost her new ford explorer, about to lose her home, and now, has no electricity at home.

She had already lost her phone,, and got another thru some scam.

Shes got bigger worries right now than aggravating me.

Kitty C.

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Ahhh, Karma at it's finest..........
« Reply #14 on: Feb 20, 2004, 02:54:00 PM »
;-)
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

MYSONSDAD

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GET HER ON CONTEMPT
« Reply #15 on: Feb 20, 2004, 08:01:59 PM »
I would get that 'reasonable phone contact' modified next time your in court. Get specific days and times she can call, if she does not abide by it, she would in contempt. Can't believe she'd put her kids thru something like this.

I even went so far as taking pictures of the caller ID. They do not come out. Another 'Kodak Moment' gone.


"Children learn what they live"

MixedBag

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Went through it again last night...
« Reply #16 on: Feb 21, 2004, 11:39:38 AM »
Anybody care to explain why it was necessary for the EX to call DH last night at 4 am TWICE to give her two cents (I should say 1/2 cent) response to the letter she received in the mail?

Another example of what they do.....

And nope she didn't tell us anything we didn't already know or have heard in the past -- and she missed the WHOLE point to much of the letter....but she just HAD to call and have her say.

Pathetic.

Peanutsdad

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RE: Went through it again last night...
« Reply #17 on: Feb 21, 2004, 02:32:53 PM »
A voice whispers out of the dark ; "Call blocking,, if you do it, you WILL sleep" ;)

Indigo Mom

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RE: Went through it again last night...
« Reply #18 on: Feb 21, 2004, 04:16:56 PM »
-----Anybody care to explain why it was necessary for the EX to call DH last night at 4 am TWICE to give her two cents (I should say 1/2 cent) response to the letter she received in the mail?-----

4am?  Did you ask her why she was all ready to spit nails at that early hour?  Did you ask her how much crack she smoked in order for her to be up at that hour and in the mood she was in?

Then...did you thank her for waking you up...cause you're in the mood for love and her ex is laying right next to you....vulnerable.....lolol

MixedBag

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Usually he turns it off when he comes home after work.
« Reply #19 on: Feb 21, 2004, 04:55:29 PM »
And maybe on Monday it will be changed -- then again if he blocks it then his co-workers and customers won't have to learn a new number.

MixedBag

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I really like your last thought
« Reply #20 on: Feb 21, 2004, 04:56:28 PM »
and I'll have to try that next time.....

 

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