Terrifying week

[DMcD]

I dropped the kids off with PBFH last Friday for the President's Day holiday. I didn't get home until after 1 PM Saturday morning. I got up with my kids early and was dead on my feet. My BIL came over later Saturday afternoon and let me take a nap. I didn't do much around the house at all that day. On Sunday, I took my kids to the park and I had asked my SIL to come over and help with the house a little. She helped some, but not nearly enough as I had hoped. I was going to be driving all day on Monday to pick up the skids so she PROMISED she would finish the house while I was gone on Monday. I had paid her $20 to help. I got home Monday evening and she hadn't touched the place. In fact, it looked worse than when I had left. She promised she would come over after work on Tuesday to help. The house was not clean at all. That wouldn't have been so bad except...

CPS showed up at my door on Tuesday afternoon. He was investigating a report that was made about all six kids. OMG, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I asked him what the report alledged. He said the report was that my skids were "scrawny, malnurished and they had to beg for food." OK, I'm no Martha Stewart, but they have ALWAYS had plenty of food to eat. He also said that there was a claim that I was always yelling at my kids, they were always crying and that I abused my boys. I don't deny that I sometimes raise my voice, but ALWAYS yelling? Hardly. With three kids ages under 5, there usually is someone whinning or crying. Abuse, though - NEVER. I rarely spank my kids and the few times I have, it was a quick whack on the bottom for something serious, like running into the street or trying to stick a screwdriver into the electrical outlet. I usually put them into their rooms or give them a time-out. He had already gone to the kids' schools and talk to the kids about the allegations. He said that it didn't sound like any of the allegations were founded but he wanted to check out the house. I was already mortified by the state the house was in. Thankfully, he was a nice guy and said he would come back on Friday to check the house and give me a chance to get it up to par.

I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. Then I cleaned some more. All evening Tuesday, all day Wednesday and all day Thursday, I cleaned. I still wanted it cleaner, but he was coming back Friday morning. I wanted it SPOTLESS. I didn't want anything to possibly give him a reason to cite me, the house or anything else. So I stayed up all night Thursday night and finished cleaning every surface in this house. Every wall was washed, every baseboard was wiped down, every floor was scrubbed. I drank 3 double shot mochas and cleaned until I had hangnails on every one of my fingers and chemical burns on my hands from the cleaners, but you better believe that when he walked through the door Friday morning, he complimented me on how nice my house was!

Guess who you think called them? Our old friend, PBFH. I know CPS reports are confidential, but the only person who could have reported had to know what school the kids went to and what our address was. The only person who knew that was PBFH. The kids are registered in school through my SIL's address because she has better schools in her area. If it was the school that made a report, they would have sent CPS to my SIL's address. If it was a neighbor that reported it, no kids would have been listed registered at this address. The CPS worker couldn't have gone to the kids' schools to talk to them. None of our neighbors know the kids' names because our neighbors are either older and have grown kids or are young and have babies and toddlers. My skids don't know anyone on our block. No one from the school or the neighborhood would have reported any of that anyway. It's just not true. The only possible culprit is PBFH. Even my friends don't know the names of the kids' schools.

CPS has closed the case and had deemed the report as unfounded. I still have never been that scared in all my life. PBFH would love nothing more than to have my kids taken away do that I might know how it feels. I'm not perfect. I have made mistakes with my kids, everyone has. I don't think I deserve to have the kids taken away from me. I have always gotten them medical treatment, I always make sure they are clean, well fed, appropriately clothed. I love my kids and I do my very best to make sure everyone is taken care of. But still she makes this report. My skids "beg for food" and my kids are being "abused". What a crock of shit!

That woman will get hers in the end. She is going to die hateful and alone. Her kids will have seen through her and gotten tired of her crap and she will die alone and unloved. I hope my kids and maybe even my skids will say some nice things about me when I'm gone. I hope they won't have to dig deep to find those nice things to say. Thanks for letting me rant and vent.

[bananas]

Man, that bites.  In our area, you really have to have a TON of evidence of neglect to get a case.  Even then, it's kinda hard so I really don't think you had anything to worry about.  I know it was scary though.  Sounds like you handled it like a champ.

Let her dig her own grave.  Sounds like she's an expert digger.

[oneandonly]

And I hate to say this but I'd expect more of this in the future...
Don't know if this might help but maybe start taking LOTS of pictures--kids doing fun things...around the house...with date on them of course--might possibly be some kind of proof should this happen again...
What a skank--and to put the kids through this as well...

[DMcD]

Well, since the claim was mostly about the skids and their eating habits, I think getting regular check-ups will be a great way to prove they are eating and in good health. We took all three kids to get physicals in August. Last month, OSS had to get a toenail removal for an ingrown nail. He had grown an inch and gained six pounds since August. I took YSS in the Thursday prior to the President's Day holiday for a recurring cold and he had grown two inches and gained 15 pounds. FIFTEEN POUNDS but they have to beg for food?!?! Puh-leese!

I have scheduled SD for a check-up next week and that should show she is either gaining or maintaining her weight since August. I'll just make it a point to take them in every two or three months from now on, just to have it on record that they are healthy and well taken care of.

As for my kids, I also take them in for regular check-ups. If they were being abused, it's likely that the physician would catch something unusual and possibly document it. Also, ODS has just been accepted into a preschool program and should start a week from tomorrow so I will have a teacher that CPS can talk to about whether there appears to be any abuse or neglect. Frankly, the whole thing was just a desperate, pathetic attempt to dig up some dirt on my family. Since there is very little, if anything, that I do wrong, she can call all the time and they will come out and report the case as unfounded and PBFH will keep coming up empty handed.

Like I said, she will get hers in the end. Like my aunt tells me, just be glad that I'm not her. I couldn't imagine having to live in her skin.

[DMcD]

No evidence. None, nadda, zip, ziltch, zero. They can't find any because there is NONE there. As hard as I tried not to worry, my mind kept going back to all the horror stories of kids being taken from loving parents who may or may not have made a simple mistake. I was not knowingly doing anything wrong. The CPS worker didn't see that I had been doing anything wrong, either. It still scared the living sh*t out of me. And yes, she digs herself deeper with every passing day. She should be halfway to China by now.

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

No...it's no fun having CPS called on you. For a year, my X repeatedly called them on me. They would would come rap-tap-tapping on the door unannounced...

Once it was because my kids weren't being fed. (Both kids are on the helfty side.) So they asked to look in my fridge. I asked the gentleman if he would like to stay for dinner, and would he like chicken, fish, or pork chops, and would he like corn, peas, or green beans.

Then there was the bruise on my sons leg. That one was taken care of by my daughter and neighbor child having witnessed him falling off his bike.

Then there was the time that I neglect to watch the kids. I let them run amok at the ballfields unsupervised. I took the gentleman onto my back porch to show him the grand view of the ball fields, basically right in my back yard. Oh goodness...there's a playground back there too!

Then there were more abuse allegations. He interviewed the man who lived in the downstairs apartment. He questioned him as to if he ever heard me screaming at the kids. Why yes, he heard me scream at them every night. Oh my, do you know what she's screaming about? Why yes...she's screaming..."KIDS!!! It's time for dinner!!!" And after dinner, we usually delivered a bit of dessert to him as well.

They were as sick of visiting me as I was of seeing them. I told them, hey, when you're in the neighborhood, stop in. Sometimes, there were toys all over the living room. But geeze, I guess that means your kids were playing and having fun. How awful!!!

So don't let it get to you. Smile and invite them in. But be forewarned. When my X finally learned he couldn't manipulate CPS, he found other means. Keep on your toes.

[Peanutsdad]

ROFL!!!,,

Sounds like my home.

Basically, in my home,, theres no tellin one day to the next,, which neighborhood kids will be there for dinner,, snacks. I just do a head count. So long as I got the rEQUIRED number of kids there,, I dont mind the extras.

[sweetnsad]

Wow D, what an awful experience..."skank" being the best word to describe her for sure...
All I can say is be prepared for more of this crap in the future...she sounds like a real piece of work...but don't worry...you are doing your very best considering the circumstances (your husband is still away, right?)...keep your chin up and keep the faith.  You are right..she will dig her own grave soon enough.
:-)

[lucky]

Oh, D!!!  I have been there, done that!

Hang in there, your dh will be home soon.  You are doing fine (under the circumstances) and I know that you know that.

(((((((D)))))))  and (((((((kids)))))))

PS  I know the allegations won't stop when your dh gets home, but at least then you'll have some support and someone to lean on.

[tulip]

Get their docor to document, on a regular basis, just how healthy they are!

Also, don't worry about the dust in your house. I know it makes you nervous that someone is going to "inspect" you and your house, but I don't think there is need to kill yourself over it. I am nuts about that, too. If I'm having company, I want the house to be perfect. I will stay up all night cleaning, because in the daytime, I'm busy taking care of my kids. Usually if someone comes over, and I haven't had time to clean, I apologize for my messy house. And they go "What? It looks like a family lives here!"

They come to look for dirty clothes and dishes, bugs, stuff like that. Not scuff marks on the wall. But I bet it's nice to live in a nice clean house for a few days anyway, right?

[DMcD]

Yes, DH is still gone. We only have about 3 1/2 weeks left and he'll be home. I desperately want a vacation. I just can't believe what this vile creature is doing to me and the kids. They were scared once they found out who the CPS worker was. They really got in and helped with the house and they were all worried about what was going to happen. They don't need that kind of stress. I know I certainly don't. It's over now. At least for the moment. I guess I'm going to have to really keep an eye on the house and make sure everything is clean. I also need to make sure there are always groceries in the cupboard. There usually is a ton of food, but now I guess I'll just have to stock up even more, just to make darn sure we never run low on anything. All I know is that now that they have come to the house and seen there is nothing wrong, it might work in our favor to show that a worker said the house was acceptable and that there were no problems. It's still an experience that I would have rather not had.

[DMcD]

I'm always on my toes. To be perfectly honest, I would have expected CPS at my house months ago when she first lost custody. It infuriates me that we went through the proper legal channels and got custody through the courts, she is trying to go about it this way. We could have called CPS on her. She has no heat in her house, SD and PBFH sleep in the same bed together because there isn't enough room in her house, the school she put them into beat OSS with a wooden paddle, she neglected their medical and dental needs for years and then there is the emotional abuse. Unwaivering, unrelenting emotional abuse. But how do you prove that? The other issues might have gotten her placed on a service plan where she would have had to get her house fixed, pull the kids out of the school and get them dental work and everything else, but we were content with getting custody and taking care of their needs while they were with us. We can provide some buffering of the abuse.

Yes, I have toys spead out all over the house. I have loads of laundry to do every day. I have six kids to feed, clothe, bathe and clean up after. The house is rarely spotless. I'm usually happy if it looks somewhat picked up. I love all the children more than anything. They are my whole world and now that they are here, I couldn't imagine life without them. PBFH was given chance after chance to correct her behavior but she blew it. She doesn't think she does anything wrong. Frankly, I don't think she does anything right. But each time I have ever so much as casually mentioned her problems, she has flown off the handle at me and started screaming and crying about how much DH hurt HER. She doesn't think about the kids. She never, ever thinks about the kids.

[putkidsfirst]

Hang in there!

I don't have much to add but another hug.  I found that helped a lot when I went through it.

It is a good idea to have CPS retain the file rather than destroy it though, for the next time she does this (and there WILL be a next time).  When she bothers them enough they will eventually stop responding for her, as long has they have the documentation to cover their butts.

Take a few minutes and breathe, take a half hour and put the headphones on, and recharge.  You are doing a phenomenal job in an extremely tense and stressfull (not knowing which charge will be next, what day, etc. - how do you plan life when you never know what minute CPS will ring your doorbell so some monster can get her kicks...) situation!!!!

She will get hers in the end.  And you will have the clear conscience knowing you did nothing wrong and she brought it on herself.

[Kitty C.]

I can't say anything different than anyone else has said, but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your family.

When DH gets home, you MUST get away, even if it's for a weekend!  There are many creative ways to do that cheaply, but above all else, you NEED time alone together and time for YOU to recharge your batteries!

[DMcD]

Thanks for the info. I didn't know they would toss a file since they might want it for future calls or reports. I've already put in a call to the social worker to ask him for any paperwork he can provide on the case. I'll ask him to make sure the file is retained for any future reports that will be made by PBFH. As for relaxing, I think I have another 17 years before I can relax. Even after YSS turns 18, my kids will still be available for her to report on. Maybe she'll get heart disease or have a stoke. She is what doctors call "morbidly obese". I don't like feeling that way about anyone. I am not happy that I fantasize about a human being getting run over by a bus. I ask God to help me almost everyday. I hope that He can keep me from hating her and keep me from becoming the person she has become. Of all the ways she could win, that would be the worst. The last thing I want to be is a shell of my former self, eaten up inside with hatred, anger, biterness and spite. But that's all I see of her when I look at her or hear her speak. She is that shell of a person and it scares me sometimes. It makes me sad that my skids have that thing for a mother and not the tender, loving parent she should be for them. All I know is that I try very hard to let this stuff roll off and move on with my life without too much residual anger. I think that might piss her off more than anything - the fact that no matter how hard she tries, I won't let it get to me. That she can come after me with every trick in the book but I still survive and I'm still a happy person, a person who won't let her games destroy me. I think that will chap her hide the most.

[DMcD]

I'm running away when DH gets home. Rooms in the casinos are dirt cheap on weekdays during off seasons. I'm going to go up to Reno or Tahoe and take a few days with friends - NO KIDS ALLOWED! I'm not much of a gambler and those all-you-can-eat places only cost $6 a plate. I figure 3 days and 2 nights should cost less than $100 and I will be able to recover some of my sanity. DH can stay home and take care of the kids while I do that. To make myself feel a little better, I'll use PBFH's child support check to go. It's not like it won't be replaced from DH's pay, but just to use THAT money would tickle me pink. Going to Reno with the child support money - hee hee hee.

[Kitty C.]

Got an even better one for ya!  If they still run it, take the California Zephyr (Amtrak) up there!  Did that once WAY back when and it was really COOL!  Either that or go by Highway 50, as long as you aren't afraid of heights, rounding that curve on the side of the mountain as you're coming up on Lake Tahoe!  I love driving in the mountains and remember the time when we barely had 2 pennies to rub together and DS and I took a day trip to North Shore, saw Emerald Island, and had a picnic at the beach.

The casinos are a WONDERFUL idea!  Do Tahoe, cuz the scenery is SO much nicer!  And you're right about the prices and the food!!!  Go for it, D!!!!!!!!!!

[DMcD]

My friend and I are going to drive and share the cost of gas and the hotel room. Also, I think I'm going to go to Reno. One of our sparc buddies lives in that area and I'd just love to meet up with her for lunch. I don't think I've ever been in Tahoe before but I vaguely remember Reno when I was a kid on a road trip with my grandparents. We stopped and played in the snow. I do remember it was just beautiful up there. I love California. A three hour drive can get me to San Francisco and go to the beach or museums, skiing in Tahoe or Reno, Yosemite, or Lake county for water sports. I am definitely going to get away, though. I think I deserve it. I am usually pretty content with my life and my family, but dang it, I deserve a break!

[wendl]

OH D I am so sorry you had to go thru this, I can't believe CPS will go to a ncp parents house etc over a cp house anyday, In our area the only time they come is if 1) the school reports it or 2) there is proof of physical abuse going on.

I am so glad your thru this hump, what a witch for her doing and putting your family thru, cps should be looking into REAL neglect abuse cases.

(((((hugs))))))))

[SadStepMom]

It has been quite a while since I have been here (had to reregister and all) and I was so sad to see that you are still having a rough time with it all.

I can't believe the things PBFHs pull.

I just hope things get better for you.  You have your hands full, you don't need this added crap.

Best of luck!

[lah101]

Man D-----
I am so sorry that your week went soo bad!  I am so sick of these WOMEN--and yes it usually is the woman that will stoop so damn low as to call CPS or make false claims.  It sounds like you handled it very well.  But do rest up --  that elbow grease is hard to come by---lol--
I just have a couple of questions---WHY do they not go after the person that makes the false claims?  Why don't they question them as to WHY they filed the report in the first place.    This is just not right and i think if the one filing the false report would have to pay monetary fines--or either do jail time for it--then maybe it might stop some o this CRAP!
I miss talking to you!!!  Give me a call sometime!!
Lah101

[janM]

The last week in February, a man from Children's Services showed up at our door while my husband was home. As you know, our son and his boy live here, mainly in the basement and share our kitchen and a bathroom. I was picking up GS from daycare and my son was at work. He left his card and said for someone to call him.

Next morning I left a message on his voicemail and he called me at work. (He had asked for either me or my son when he came to the house that first time.) We set up an appointment at our home the following Monday. He couldn't tell me what the complaint was, just that it was not serious enough to warrant police involvement or removal of the child.

So, after I spent the weekend cleaning, he came out on the Monday. He asked, among other things, if GS had ever been overmedicated recently. Well I knew right away who had called them. BM. I had dropped him off at her place the weekend before and he had been sick and was on antibiotics, which I took along for her to give him. I showed her on the measuring spoon the line I had used, which, as she pointed out when I picked him up on Sunday, was slightly above the correct mark. She pointed this out and used magic marker on it (turned out it was a different spoon). She said he had only got one dose that evening instead of 2 a day.

Also in the complaint was that he was always dirty (he may have missed some baths that week cause he was pretty sick) and wore dirty clothes (never to go to her house - not that it should matter cause she often lets him romp in his underwear or nothing at all). Best of all...that he uses our stove on his own. NOT!!!

So we set him straight on all these things. I had already advised him about her contempt for non payment of CS in case it was her who had called. Of course he couldn't say.

He came back today to do a risk assessment. This was a list of questions for the 3 of us (me, son and dh) which included, have you ever been abused, ever assault anyone, any alcohol problems, whether we worked, etc. He did talk with GS and let me sit in on that in case he was uncomfortable talking to him. He did fine.

He talked at length about our concerns regarding BM's collection of snakes, alligator, etc. and he is encouraging my son to make a report about that (they have been known to take them out of their aquariums, etc. while kids were there). The local authorities really don't know of any laws or bylaws concerning these "pets" but are checking into it. Not that she actually has him there much...

So he is checking with the hospital about the dosage of the med he was taking, and will likely list our home as low risk and hopefully close the case. But talk about feeling intruded upon...BM is trying to say her aunt out of state made the complaint but we know differently from someone else.

So I know how you feel!

I guess by now your DH is home...bet you're a happy camper!
Take care.