Behavior Issues - How to Transition

[tharper001]

I really need some major advice as a stepmother.  We are in a very heated custody battle right now with my 11 year old SD's mother.  I have, over the last six years, done lots of research and stood my husband's decision that he would be the one to tell his daughter what to do or not to do.

PROBLEM... While I have accepted the fact that, when his daughter is with us, that I am the third wheel... I am now faced with the real possibility that she may come to live with us 80% of the time instead of the 20% of the time that we have her now.  This creates a very serious problem for me because I cannot discuss our plans should she come to live with us.  My husband does not want to cross that bridge until the time comes -- probably because we can both get very emotional about it.  

My husband is very protective of his daughter.  He makes sure that anything she wants, she gets... or anything she wants to do, she gets to do... do you get my point?  My husband is a very good father and the child will definitely be better off with us than that loser of a mother that she has now.  However, I need to come up with a way that I can manipulate him into understanding that he does not have to be so protective of his daughter.

Example:  the other day, her grandfather (paternal) was down.  I couldn't go on the boat because I had just had Lasik done.  She put on a bathing suit that was awful -- the bottoms were so low, if they'd have been about 1/2 inch lower, you would have seen her camel toe.  (Keep in mind she's a pretty stout girl for 11 also -- not attractive in a two-piece, but has no shame in wearing them).  She asked me how I like it... I told her the top was cute, but the bottoms were too small.  I know if my husband had heard this, he would have said something to me in front of the child.  Then I get a call from a pay phone later that afternoon... scared me to death.  When I answered, it was a collect call with her saying "Don't answer this, it's just me playing around".  I called his cell phone and she answered.  I asked her why she was playing on a pay phone... that it concerned me greatly that someone was in trouble.  Then I asked him later that evening -- his response -- "She wanted to play, and that's what she got to do".

This happens all the time... this weekend, she showed up without a bathing suit... she knows we have the boat and if we're not on the boat, we're at the beach... I offered her the top to a swim suit of mine that she had worn (yes, she can wear some of my clothes -- pretty stout girl).  She said she would just wear a tank top.  I encouraged her that the bathing suit top would probably be more comfortable for knee boarding and tubing.  My husband so ever graciously pointed out to both of us that she could wear whatever she wanted to wear... end of story.

Now, these are trivial issues.  However, if she does come to live with us permanently, these things are going to have to change.  While they are trivial, my husband is still disrespecting me in front of her.  Yes, she has a bit of a weight issue... but I WILL NOT let her go in some of the swim suits and short shorts that she wears at her mother's house.  That is a reflection on my family... and we uphold a better esteem than that.  Her grades are in need of improving tremendously (c's, d's and f's)--to me -- that means limited TV and computer time, and more time focusing on the homework.  To my husband -- she doesn't have to do it now... she can do it later -- then she'd be in there at 9:00 pm on a Sunday night doing homework for Monday morning.  NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.  

I know he says we will work things out once we know for sure if she's going to come live with us.  I beg to differ -- simply because my husband takes the stance that he, and only he, knows what is best for his daughter.  I know this, and it scares me to death.  Yes, for the child's best interest, our house is stable and it's a much more stable environment that encourages success.   And, even if we didn't get things worked out, this child is still much better off living with her father than with her mother.  But, for my sanity, I would appreciate any advice that one could give as to how to deal with this problem.  It is my house too, and especially if she is living with us, I should have every right to have some say so in how she is raised.  While the mother of this child is the most worthless human I've ever met, some of the things the father does isn't helping the child either.  I just have to get him to see it in some shape, form or fashion.

We are planning family counseling for everyone.  I just wish I could find a counselor that would actually counsel.  I have been to two counselors -- one licensed, and one a PhD, and I simply felt like I had sat down to a bitch session, but never really got anything out of it.  My husband and I went about a year or so ago for marriage counseling... then I went on my own because we did have some rocky times a while ago.  But now that the ever closing court date is approaching, I'm faced with some serious doubts about how we, as a family, could make this transition and come to agreements on discipline and structure for the best interests of this child.  The child has never known discipline or struction in her current environment.  Someone has to stand their ground and be firm where this child will have a chance at life.

Thanks for any input!

[Kitty C.]

The 'incidences' are trivial, but the 'issue' is not, tharper.  The issue is that he is undermining you right in front of her and that is a MAJOR no-no.  Like it or not, and regardless of the outcome of your court case, the issue must be addressed now.  It's gone too far in different instances already (the phone thing), and for your DH to totally disregard how you feel about it and to undermine your authority in your own home has serious implications.

No matter how you both feel about it, it must be addressed now.  I've go the feeling that the only reason why your DH doesn't want to address it before the hearing is because he doesn't want it implemented until AFTER she comes to live with you, so as not to 'scare her off', so to speak.  

Maybe not counseling, but what about a parenting class, specifically geared to discipline and blending households?  Even DS's therapist has recommended a parenting class for DH and I, but it's intent is to show us/DH how to effectively discipline, and tho we're both over 40, I have no problem doing that.  It's a different matter with DH, but eventually I know he will do it, as he has a lot of respect for DS's therapist.

[tharper001]

I would love to find a good parenting class in our area to attend.  Last year, we attended a class that was suggested by our attorney.  Unfortunately, it had nothing to do with what type of class we needed.  It was a parenting class for those getting divorced and how to cope with each other for the sake of the child.  Had nothing to do with us and the need for discipline instructions.

I do love my husband dearly... but when it comes to his daughter... he becomes a completely different individual.  Yes, I've known this and him and I have had many arguments over the differences... I finally backed down a year or so ago and now I simply express my disagreement with what he does... but don't force the issue.  And... even with a parenting class, my husband is always going to take the high road that only he knows what is best for his daughter.

Like with the phone calls... I asked him if he instructed his daughter that she does need to call him and not go two weeks without it.  He informed me that he did not because he was not going to put his daughter in that uncomfortable situation of having to call him.  First of all, we have an 800 number that she can use.  Second of all, her mother is not bright enough to check the phone bill -- even though he seems to think that's what she is telling his daughter.  If that were my child... I wouldn't be in this position in the first place.  But that child would know that they better pick up that phone and call me.  

If anyone has had experience with family or parenting classes that we can take in Tampa, Florida (the home of the Stanley Cup Champs!!!!), I'd greatly appreciate it.  I am researching what is available now, but it's always nice if someone has previous experience.

Thanks so much.  I agree my husband and I need to discuss issues.  When the child comes over the next time, and during her summer vacation with us, I'm going to make sure I take notes and discuss the issues with my husband privately.  I hate to point out every little thing, but that's the only way I can get him to understand my view point.  Hopefully, during the summer months we can get things worked out where I will no longer be undermined.  I might not have my own children yet, but I certainly know that children need structure and discipline... and this child has had none from either side.  And that, my friends, is going to have to change.

[smtotwo]

But like Kitty said  I nipped it in the bud!!  This is my home and neither DH nor the steps will show that kind of disrespect for me in MY OWN HOME!!

After a few very heated discussions, we now parent together.  DH had different rules for his boys than for my bio son.  That has also changed.
We are ONE family not two partial families.  What goes for one now goes for all.

[hagatha]

TH,

I would suggest disengaging during the summer visit. Then maybe your DH will get a clue . . .

"Disengaging"

Please keep in mind that "Disengaging" is NOT for everyone. Many of you have DHs who are TRULY supportive - which is not the same as DHs who only THINK they're supportive.

I've found that for my friends with whom I've shared this, understanding some background is sometimes critical for real "Disengaging" to begin. A lot of this is opinion, intuition, and a lot is also experience. Please keep in mind that the people in my "model" are not psychotic. They are relatively normal people with good intentions, husbands and wives who love each other and want to stay married, in SPITE of their step kids!

I believe that men and women convey different facets of life to their children. Women tend to be concerned with socialization: manners, morals, respect, appreciation, cleanliness, thoughtfulness, etc, as well as physical and emotional health. Men tend to be concerned with results: touchdowns, batting averages, spelling bees, "accomplishments" in general. In normal (not critically dysfunctional) nuclear families, this arrangement works pretty well. The children develop bonds with their parents which permit the parents to maintain the "moral authority" to deal with their kids. Most of these men think they've been great parents, and have terrific kids who could be loved by anyone. Then they get divorced and eventually marry us second-wives, expecting everything to function in the same way that it did in the first marriage. The problem is, they have no idea beyond their own personal, limited "parenting" what is involved in raising kids. One stepmom on one of the boards made the remark "I just don't understand how his 4 year old son can be sitting directly between him and the TV, and he doesn't see the kid playing with a lighter!" I believe he doesn't see because he's never had to. There has always been a woman in his life who takes care of "that stuff."

When we as stepmoms come into the lives of these people, many of us already mothers to our own biokids, we assume that we can expand our mothering role to include our new SKs, intending to keep on doing what we've been doing. Even those who have never had children of their own have those "mothering genes." Our problem is that we don't have the bonding with these kids that is required to give us the "moral authority" to parent our SKs.
The only way we can get that "authority" is through DH, and he must give it to us by expecting and demanding that his kids respond to us with obedience and respect, or at least respectful behavior. THAT is what is meant by a supportive DH. Most of them THINK they are supportive, and many of US think they are supportive. But unless they are willing to discipline their children every single time they speak disrespectfully to us, or ignore us, or disobey us, they are giving their children permission to continue and sometimes escalate, this behavior. And because our DHs have NEVER had to be mothers, they don't know what we're talking about when we try to get their help. They are still being the same parents they were when they were married to their exes, things worked out ok there, so they assume that the problem is US!

The more we "nag" and point out what's wrong with their kids, the more convinced they become that at the least, we have no parenting skills, and at the worst, we are child abusers. The more we are determined that these kids ARE GOING TO MIND US, the more parenting we do. And the more parenting we do, the less our DHs have to do. Which is exactly the way they want it. They would rather we didn't scream so much, but we're getting the job done (the kids brush their teeth when we are red in the face, they go to bed when we are spewing spittle). Dad can just keep on being a father, which means he doesn't fool with this stuff. But he's still thinking we're crazy, and can't understand why we're so mean to his kids. In addition, our "criticism" of his kids is seen as a criticism of him.

DH is not a mother, has never been a mother, and doesn't know what it means or requires to be a mother. DH is content being the same parent he has always been, and thinks his kids are fine the way they are. He's just as confused as we are about why we're having so many problems with our SKs, but in his heart, he believes that we are at fault.

Now we come to the kids themselves. Here we have children who, for the most part, have been raised by two parents with whom they are bonded and for whom they accept the power of their bioparents authority. We stepmoms come into their lives with no bond and with no authority. But we blindly assume the role of mother in our own homes, and all the responsibility involved. After the "honeymoon" with the kids is over, if we even have that period of peace and tranquility, the kids begin to test the waters. Now, keep in mind, they do this with their bioparents too, but quickly submit to the authority of these people for whom they have respected, admired, and depended on since birth. They look to DH to see what they can get by with, because they have no intention of submitting to our authority until they are made to do so. DH has never involved himself in these struggles between his ex and his kids, because she can handle it herself. He doesn't see the problem. The kids don't know that he can't see the problem. They think he is giving them unspoken permission to defy us. And so they do. The struggles become more angry, more bitter, more frustrating.

And another amazing thing occurs. In some cases, we give these kids their first real taste of power. With their parents, they are willing to submit, because if nothing else, they fear the loss of their parents' approval. They feel no such need to have our approval. They find that with the mere shrug of a shoulder or a rolling of the eyes that they can turn a big strong adult into a raging maniac. By this time, we have become so frustrated, everything they do infuriates us. And in getting by with disrespectful behavior (and they get by with it because DH doesn't stop it), they are encouraged to even greater heights of disrespect, and they hone their cunning on us, gaining an even greater sense of power. We end up handing these kids tremendous power over us, on a silver platter, and they love it.

There we are, doing all the work (laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, chauffeuring, supplying needs, the list is endless),doing everything reasonable to maintain our family as we had envisioned, and these kids are treating us like bugs on the soles of their shoes. We are raging to our DHs who can't understand why we're so angry, and we're wondering what we're doing here, working our rears off, trying to raise these children, feeling abused and unappreciated by DH AND his kids. Sometimes we think about divorce.
Now it's time to disengage.

In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some realities.

They are:

Your SKs are not your children.
You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
You are not responsible for raising your SKs.
All the responsibility belongs to your DH.
Your DH is not a mother.
Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.


What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your SKs. You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for them to your DH. You must allow DH to make whatever mistakes he makes.

But first, you must explain to DH and SKs what is happening. This is what you say: "Everyone is unhappy, our home is miserable, and I'm completely frustrated and angry all the time. You kids are angry and frustrated with me, and it's getting worse. Someone has to do something about this, and I decided that it will be me. I have decided that I will no longer be responsible for getting you to bed on time, or getting you up in the mornings. I will not tell you to wash your hands before dinner, and I will not tell you to brush your teeth or take a bath. (You must list all those things for which you have assumed responsibility, whatever they are). I am no longer going to do anything that will give you the opportunity to treat me with disrespect. In the future, if you need anything, you must ask your dad. I will no longer take responsibility for (whatever, getting your school supplies, shopping for your clothes, doing your laundry, taking you to basketball practice, etc.) What I hope to accomplish is for us to begin to get along with each other, and the only way I know to do that is to let your dad be the parent."

And every time they ask you for something, or ask permission for something, you say "Go ask your dad." Your SKs may end up missing out on some terrific things because of your Disengaging, but it was a choice they made when they decided to make your life miserable. Never give them the opportunity to treat you disrespectfully.

Many of you may be saying, does all this mean I have no rights? Absolutely not. You must choose your battles, and to disengage, your battles should be about those things that DIRECTLY affect you. For example, you have a right to keep your home with the degree of neatness and cleanliness that you desire (just leave the SKs rooms alone and concentrate on the communal areas). You can say, "From now on, I expect everyone to put their stuff away by bedtime. Since I will no longer be asking you to do it because I don't want to argue with you, anything that is left out after 9:00 will be disposed." Period, no discussion, just do it. If it's important to DH for his kids to keep their "stuff," HE will parent his children, or do it himself. "If you don't clear the table after dinner, I will not set a place for you at the next meal." Period, no discussion, just do it If it's important to DH for his kids to eat, HE will parent his children, or do it himself. "If you leave your dirty clothes on the floor in the bathroom, they will be disposed." Are you getting the idea? If DH chooses to do his children's chore, let him. The aim is NOT to straighten out your SKs deficiencies, it's to get your DH involved with his children, in whatever way he chooses, and to lessen your work load. If the kids are going to be unappreciative, let them be unappreciative of their dad.

You see, the REAL problem is not between you and your SKs, it's between you and your DH. These children are HIS responsibility and if he wants good things for them, he will parent them. If he doesn't care (believe me, he really does!), why should you beat your head against the wall?

My son ALWAYS had a bedtime, my SSs NEVER had a bedtime. Now I tend to my son and let DH tend to his. If he wants them to get a good night's sleep, he will parent them. If it's not important to him, I don't make it my concern.

My DH goes to work at 5:30 AM, which leaves me the task of getting everyone up and ready for school. It used to be a nightmare getting my younger SS up, he would growl and yell and scream and roll over and go back to sleep until I was screaming my lungs out, jerking the covers off. Every day started like that and I was miserable every evening, thinking about my next morning's task. So....I just stopped. I told DH to get him an alarm clock. And I told DH that if he wanted to help his son start his day well, he might consider making sure that SS goes to bed at a reasonable hour, but that I would no longer make it my concern. SS missed 2 days of school because he wouldn't get up and I refused to make a second trip to take him there. DH decided to parent his son. He did it without being home by using consequences if his son did not get up in time to get ready for school.

The point is this: DH must decide what is important to HIM. You must be willing to put up with some degree of inconvenience to "allow" him to parent his children. But whatever inconvenience you suffer will be minor compared to the conflict that might be part of your life right now. My DH stepped up to the plate. Your DH might not. But that's HIS decision. Don't expect him to agree with your "new position." He doesn't agree with your current position. Don't expect him to like what you are doing - or to be more precise - not doing. The less YOU do, the more HE must do and that will not make him happy. You must remember that he has no right to expect more parenting from you than he is willing to do himself.

You may be thinking, this is nuts! We agreed to be "parents" to each other's children. Yes, but he also agreed to be a parent to his OWN children. None of this means that you can't do ANYTHING. It's very likely that DH will need your help. That's OK. The issue here is that DH must ASK you for your help, instead of what you've been doing - assuming the responsibility and being unappreciated for it.

When DH needs something done that he can't do himself (a ride for one of the kids while he's a work, for example), first, you have already told the kids "Go ask dad." So DH is REQUIRED to become involved in his children's lives. He now must THINK ABOUT what's involved in raising his kids, and we all know it's a lot of work. And you can agree to help out, only if DH asks. BUT, to disengage, you must be willing to withdraw your agreement to help IF the kids, between now and the event, treat you disrespectfully! And you must refuse to assist next time if DH and the kids don't say "Thank you." You also have a RIGHT to have your efforts appreciated.

When you begin to value yourself in this whole relationship by expecting to be treated with respect and appreciation, you'll feel a lot better. When I say "to value yourself" I mean that if your efforts are not appreciated - don't do it! Sometimes the SKs will think, "Well, we're in the car on the way to the ballgame, now I'm home free to be disrespectful!" BAM! They smart off to you! Well, turn that car around and take them back home - don't raise your voice or act insulted or point out how ungrateful they are. Just say "I'm sorry you've decided to treat me disrespectfully. I must withdraw my offer to take you."

BTW, these are also good methods of getting your OWN children's respectful behavior!

I know, from my own experience, just how hard it is to "let go." But it's up to you to make the choice - "Am I going to continue to live in this awful situation, or am I going to do something about it." While you fear what will happen to everyone when you "disengage," as if the family will fall apart, you will be surprised at the change in your own life. I can't guarantee that everything will turn out the way it has for me, but I can guarantee that you will no longer feel angry, frustrated, resentful, and hurt. The HARDEST part is giving up the need to straighten out these kids and "change" them into the children YOU want them to be.


Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[tharper001]

In a way, I have done that.  The problem here... the child doesn't even have a mother that is willing to "mother" her.  The father and mother were never married.  This child has never been shown what true family life is.  And no, I don't have my own children -- but you can believe -- when we do, I will dare my husband to tell me that only he knows what is best for his kids.

It's a very sad situation for this child.  She's overweight, she's been taught to wear skimpy clothes (which is highly embarrassing for me when we are around others that we know), she gets bad grades in school, she's never had bed time, she can slap another kid in school or get into an argument, etc., and has never been disciplined for that.  She's being taught that her s**t don't stink -- if you know what I mean.  And what's another kicker -- the father can't wait to point out flaws in other children, whether it's our friends' children, or the child down the street that his daughter can't get along with, etc.  Children that he doesn't even have that much contact with.  But -- his daughter is the shining star... he will bend over backyard to make sure she gets what she wants, does what she wants and acts like she wants to.  That's the part that gets me.

It's almost as though when she is with us, that she is the other adult in the relationship and that I'm the kid.  Yes, I have a couple of bad habits -- I do smoke (although not in the house--I'm a smoker but I don't want my prized possession to stink) and I do have at least a glass of wine a night, if I'm in the mood.  He cannot hesitate to point out to me that I told him I was going to quit smoking, but I haven't yet, and that I don't brush the cat, and that I should vacuum up the kitty litter, and that I should clean the house, instead of being in the garden (he always rearranges everything anyway, so I leave that up to him).  He does do things around the house because he works out of the house.  But I get so sick of hearing that I need to do this, or clean that, or put this away, etc., etc., when I don't hear him telling his daughter any of this.

He did make her clean her room this last weekend.  My husband will not put up with making a mess, because he is such a neat freak.  That is what bothers me the most -- is that he treats me like some child.  True, I'm 9 years younger, but I'm not that young.  I'm in my 30's for goodness sake.  And we get along just peachy, unless she's there.  Why would I not resent her like crazy??????

It's such a tough situation.  I just hope one day, I can have my own children and really show him that I am not stupid when it comes to kids.

Thanks for your advice!  Good luck to you!

[DK]

Where in the Tampa area?  I am in Clearwater.  Maybe I can help you find a couselor.  Can ask my DH's attorny and my stepsons phychologist for some names.

[tharper001]

We're in NW Tampa... It would be so refreshing to find a counselor that actually counseled, instead of it seeming like a bitch session.  My husband is going to need some good guidance -- not that he will follow it, but it may be good to hear it from someone else, and my SD is going to be in desperate need to learn (at 11 years of age) new social skills and how to get along with other kids and how to respect people.  And I'm certainly going to need some major help with the changes in my life that's going to occur!

We would like to find a counselor in Tampa, but truly, we are only about 20 minutes from Clearwater.

Thanks for any input.

[LizaLou1]

Hagatha read my mind.  I immediately thought of the Disengage article when I read the original post.

I intrinsically see the value of disengaging and it has helped over the spring break.  But, my problem is my DH does not disengage when it comes to "my children" who live with us.  I somehow feel guilty for not carrying more of the load when his kids visit.  He doesn't just dump my kids' problems on me and walk away ---which is what I have been forced to do with his kids.  So I have a fairness issue.  I realize my children were younger when he came into our lives so his "authority" was established sooner.  Mine do resent DH from time to time, but it's not like resentment I get from DH's teenagers.

I suppose it's on my mind, since his kids arrive Thursday for 7 long weeks.  They are "pile people" who junk up my house because they either have no "raising" or just to irritate me.  Hubby is a great guy, but his level of cleanliness is far different from mine – he doesn't even see their junk.  I told him the same rules will apply for his kids, if they leave it out it goes in the trash.  If it's good enough for mine it should be good enough for his.

 It also amazes me that they'd rather eat Kraft Easy Mac than home cooked hamburgers, pork chops or Lasagna.  They even eat Easy Mac for breakfast.     It gets real irritating to come home from work, cook dinner only to find out they ate junk right before I got home so they don't want dinner when it's on the table.  At spring break, I went out and bought a bunch of food because they are growing teenagers – all they wanted was Easy Mac and Hot Pockets.  I told DH I wouldn't do that again and I have not.  

In anticipation of his kids, I asked DH was there a difference in controlling one's environment and being in control of one's environment.  He decided it was a trick question and refused to answer.  I have expressed my concerns and DH said he'd support me.  So, pray for us.

LizaLou

[Kitty C.]

The food problem is easy to solve, just make sure it isn't available for them to eat!  And if they pitch a fit, tell them YOU will not contribute to the inevitable health and weight problems they will get if they continue to eat that way.  And that those kinds of foods are no longer allowed in your home just for that reason.

SS was pretty despondent when I told him no more mac and cheese.  He has told us that his doc has put him on a diet, but from what he's told us of what he eats at PBFH's I can't see much of a change, LOL!  So every time he's with us, all he wants is ice cream, hot dogs, M&C, anything battered, fried, or frozen.  All of which either aren't allowed in our home at all, or on a rare occasion.  He begs and badgers PBFH so much that she gives in just to shut him up, so his so-called 'diet' has a LONG way to go.   he definitely knows better than to try that with me, LOL!  The poor kid gets all red in the face just running in from left field, so it's pretty apparent he needs to lose some weight and get more exercise.   But when the PBFH won't even let him ride bike down the street (private) unless she can watch him like a hawk, he's relegated to his N64.

Sorry, turned into a bitch session, but it really torques me to watch these idiot parents who can't even stand up to their kids and BE a parent and teach them to make healthy choices!  And their own paranoia is so strong, it brings on ill effects on their kids!

[DK]

Attorney and Phycologiest were not much help.  Of course we have to tell SS pycholigist to give us her opinion personal or professional.  It is very hard to find someone to actually talk.  What I did find is our pastor.   He counseled DH and me before he married us.  He is absoluetly wonderful.  I do not know your religion, but if you are going to chuch try your paster.  He/she may be able to help or refer you to someone.  Our paster actually has a degree in marriage and sex counseling.  Sorry I could not come up with a name.  Althought SS does not go to church reguarly I find that the more we involve him when we can he does better.   (My SS is also 11.) I pray you find what you are looking for.

I would like to share with you that around Spring Break I started disengaging.  Sort of.  With school mostly.  I was the only person helping and not getting very far.  Since SS was in 5th grade and soon to be middle school I finally figured out school is his problem.  If DH is not home and SS asks me to help I will.  If he does not like the way I help, I walk away.  If he doesn't get it and doesn't ask for help, he sits.  Or get up without finishing and waits for DH.  If he never goes back to his homework he get the bad grade and I let the teacher be the one to yell.  It worked.  This summer we changed our schedule from every other day to one week on and one week off.  This was our second week.  I am always the one to pick up and mostly drop off.  So needless to say I have the most time with SS and my son.  Now that SS is here a full week I will be disengaging more.  I certainly understand where you are coming from.  Sounds all too familiar.  I also understand why you don't necissary want to disengage, at least yet.  We have gone through councecling for almost 3 years and that is why I have decided this is the way to go.  Please remember you and your kids.  Put them first.  I have put my 4 year old on the back burner more times that I want to admit to.  All for my SS and to try to give him a chance.  However, I now feel my own child is suffering the consequences.  If/when this happens please put you and your own children first.  

[tharper001]

I didn't even think about a pastor.  We do not attend church on a regular basis... I think it's become a giant business.  But, I wouldn't mind started to attend ever so often.  I know they have many programs and counseling available.  That's an excellent place to begin.

As far as the disengaging goes... that is so much easier said than done.  But what about my feelings, and what about my image?  My 11 year old SD is 130 pounds and barely 5 feet tall.  I will not stand for her to come to my house and continue to wear the skimply clothes that her mother lets her wear.  She put on a bathing suit the other day that was ridiculous.  It's okay if she's at home... but if we go to the mall, or we go to see our family or friends, I believe I should get the right to say something.  It's embarrassing... and it surprises me because my husband is one of the sharpest dressers that I've ever known... yet, he won't say a word to her -- just "you can wear whatever you want to wear".  

As far as school goes, we have no control over that... we're not going to worry about it until the next school year, and maybe by that time, we will have her here... so that we can do something about it.  That is, of course, if my husband stands firm as he says he's going to.  I'll believe that when I see it.

Fortunately, I do not have my own children yet.  I have two beautiful cats, and they will do for now.  I'm on a venture to stop smoking by the end of this year and to move forward with having a family with my husband.  Hopefully by then, we'll have my SD and we can see how things are going before that family commitment is made.  But... there will have to be some changes, as it is my house too... and if I'm not respected, well... that won't leave much hope.

[DK]

I'm glad you are open to the idea of looking at church for help.  My family does not go reguarly.  And it is hard to find a church you are comfortable with.  With us it is the paster.  You may find one that may fit your SD needs, a new set a friends could be found.  And it may not be what you are looking for at all.  I know that I have been where you are and your thoughts are much like mine.

As far as the disengaging goes... that is so much easier said than done.  I have just started this process.  The reason I have decided to disengage is because I do have a 4 year old.  I have helped my SS for 6 years and now my own child is going to be first not second.  Since you do not have your own children yet I understand your reluctance.  I seriously doubt I would disengage if it weren't for my own childs needs.

My SS is also over weight.   I think the advice regarding simply not having the foods available is the easiest way to go.  That is what I do.  My son still thinks ritz cracker with PB&J are cookies and Chewy granola bars are candy bars.  

Will your SD go shopping with you?  Perhaps a slurge at the mall for just a couple outfits would help.  The ground rule being DS can pick the outfits and bathing suit, but you get to say yes or no.  It is your money and your splurge you get a say so. Maybe even bond more?

I agree some of what we stepmoms deal with is embarrassing and you absolutey should have some say so.  I am lucky my DH sees his son with wide open eyes.  Unfortuately with two homes involved there is only so much you can do.  I hope your DH will sit down with you soon and truely listen and act.  

[tharper001]

All of you have provided fantastic advice... but now I have another question.

Before my SD left Sunday a week ago, I had the opportunity to express the fact that her father worried about her when he didn't hear from her.  I asked her very nicely to please call her father.

As of this morning, he tried to call her at 7:15 am this morning... because he hasn't heard one word from her.  He left a pretty demanded message -- This is your father calling, I am worried about you as I have not heard from you.  BM Name, if you are listening or get this message, I expect you to have my daughter call me so that I will know everything is okay.  If I don't hear from you, either I or the police will be visiting to make sure everything is okay.

Now... my question.  First and foremost, the child lives 1.5 hours away from us.  Second, we have an 800 number that the child could use.  Third, while my husband doesn't see it, I see it every time the child is with us... she plays him, she plays her mother... I actually think she enjoys all of this attention.

Would it be detrimental if I pulled her aside this weekend and took the opportunity to FIRMLY ask her why she hasn't called her father after I asked her two weeks ago, and to tell her that she has no excuse as to why she is not calling her father.  I am sick and tired of my husband being played by both his daughter and that b**ch.  It makes my life a living hell... I know he feels terrible and feels as though his daughter is being taken away from him... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT.  He was dumb enough to get the b**ch pregnant to begin with, and has lived with this fact for the last 11 years.  He should have known that as his daughter gets older, because of his lack of demanding respect from his daughter, that this was going to happen.  I have been trying to tell him this for years!!!  And as much as I hate to see it actually happening, I knew it coming.  And it's only going to get worse.

I personally think my SD needs a very stern talking to.  She doesn't get that at all, and he certainly isn't going to do it.  He will make it out as though he doesn't want to put his daughter in an uncomfortable position any more than he has to.  Well, I know that child has not been with her mother 24 hours a day for the last week and a half.  That child is lazy, and I personally think she thinks it's cute with all this bickering over her.  And I know I need to disengage, but when this child has been the number one problem in our relationship, I be damned if I'm going to sit back and watch her start hurting my husband as her mother has.

[Kitty C.]

Am there, doing that, but on a much smaller scale.  SS does that as well, playing his parents off of each other, playing DH and I off of each other, and even playing DS against us as well.

tharper, you mentioned that she gets no attention from her mother...this is the end result of that, because all that you've described is attention-seeking behavior.

And for putting her in 'an uncomfortable position', you might want to sit down with DH and list all the 'facts' of what's going on, then going over it all again, pointing out that all these behaviors are attention-seeking and CALCULATING.  Meaning your SD purposely sets out to do these things, just for the reaction she gets from it all, regardless of who it is.  If she gets 'uncomfortable' with it, it would ONLY be because she's been caught.

Do you have anything to do with her school or ever talk to her teachers? If you do, ask them what kind of behaviors along these lines they've seen.  Any classmates ever complain about her?  Some comments (understand this is coming from kids) might be that she appears 'two-faced', appearing to be a friend to someone one day (just to get something), only to turn her back on them the next.  She might even be doing it to staff as well.

As for talking to her yourself, I really couldn't tell you.  I've had to talk to SS a few times myself, but then he wasn't showing as many of the signs as your SD is.  His were MUCH more subtle.  And calculating.  He acts contrite and redqalizes he's 'been caught', but given enough time, he tries it again, just to see if he can get away from it.  Given that the only time his mother gives him any direct attention is when she  is trying to show others how good a mother she is or when he's REALLY screwed up, I can understand why he acts that way.  I guess it's a crap shoot if you were to intervene directly with her.

Hope this gives you a little insight.........

[tharper001]

It's really funny that you bring up the school issue.  We have school records back to 2nd grade.  Every single report card mentions her citizenship and her lack of turning in assignments.  She got C's, D's and F's this year consistently.  Isn't this lovely?  But she receives no punishment for these types of grades.  The mother doesn't do a damn thing except leave the child home alone on school nights until sometimes 1 AM.  And the father doesn't think it's his responsibility since we only have her every other weekend.  I personally don't do anything with the school because I have no rights.  The elementary school that my SD attended last year ended up requesting that my husband would have to request documentation, etc... He always did anyway, I would just help him out by sending e-mails to the principal to follow up on certain documents.  My husband runs his own business and is very busy... sometimes he would not be able to follow up between 9 am and 3 pm, so I'd do it for them.  Well, I'm just a stepparent -- no rights whatsoever -- not even in my own home, seems like.

She had made some friends in our neighborhood that we moved into 3 years ago.  There was one in particular that would come over and eat dinner with us, and go to movies with us, etc.  Something happened, and supposedly he got upset because she was spending more time with his other friends than he was -- so my husband comes to the conclusion that this kid was just a spoiled little rich brat, and that his daughter was the shining star.  WRONG... all kids are going to bicker back and forth, but this child sees her mother make friends for a while, then just turn her back on them.  There's not many who know who mother and still like her after six months or so.

This child has always had problems getting along with other kids.  This past year (6th grade), she began school in a charter school (her father and I secretly took bets on how long that would last).  Any way, the child ended up slapping a boy because he called her mother a whore (truth hurts!).  And her mother came up to the school and made such a scene, the mother had to be escorted off of the property.  End of the charter school attendance.

Then, she sat out of school for two weeks until her mother found another school -- even after the father requested to be added to the emergency contact information, the documents we got in May still did not have him on there.  She threw O.J. on a kid because he called her Big Nose... she spent a day in detention... had the school not punished her, she would have received nothing.  The child was late or absent 36 TIMES since November... isn't that a stellar statistic.  And what's worse -- when asked about it, the child informed my husband that "she ran on Eastern Standard Time, and that the school's clock was five minutes fast".  Isn't that a lovely principle to teach your child!

My husband has tried to be involved in her schooling, but being 1.5 hours away, it's very difficult.  We provide the schools with pre-paid, self-addressed envelopes at the beginning of the school year, and my husband schedules teacher conferences throughout the year.  Problem, we generally have to type letters to remind them to send us information, and he can talk to the teachers until he is blue in the face -- what can he do about missed assignments, her being late, etc... NOT A THING!

It's just an overall lose-lose battle.  His daughter hasn't called him, and he thinks it's because her mother is threatening her... which is very possible -- but there's still no excuse.  We have an 800 number, it's toll-free!  There is no possible excuse that his daughter cannot call him, even if she's being threatened by her mother.  And we will be addressing this in court on June 30th -- this is a scheduled date to discuss summer vacation, the lack of phone calls and TO REQUEST A PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION!  And to demand the mother to finish the deposition that she stormed out of at the end of April.  Should be an interesting day!

[Kitty C.]

:-)

[DMcD]

You got a lot of great advice, but I think that you are going to be made thg scapegoat, whipping post and housemaid. This sounds like a red alert situation. This child is going to walk all over you and you won't be able to do anything about it because your DH will let her. To disengage, you have to have a DH who understands what's going on. I suspect, that based on what you have already said, your DH will get angry, upset and defensive when you tell him what's going on and get angry when you don't do what his little "princess" asked you to do for her.

I would strongly recommend that you talk to your DH now, be frank and let him know that if she lives with you, he will NOT disrespect you or undermine your authority in front of your SD and let him know what the issues are and how you feel that you and he should handle it. If your SD is anything like my skids, you (like us) will end up giving them back to the BM on the grounds that you can not live in a house where the child constantly cries to the other parent about yours and DH's discipline. You can not live in a house where you are at the beck and call of ungrateful, foul tempered, lazy children who expect the best, even if you can't afford it, it's inconvienient, unreasonable, etc.

Your DH will likely expect you to put up with those kinds of behaviors and coddle SD the same as he does. If you don't, he will become angry towards you and you will become resentful towards both of them. Express your concerns now and ask him how he feels this should be handled. An 11 yo isn't going to be too much to handle but a spoiled rotten, beligerent 15 or 16 yo is another story altogether and those few years will pass before you know it and your home will become your prison and your SD the jailer. Trust me, BTDT.

[nosonew]

My ss came to live with us last year, and we had major issues like this--mainly trivial, but it was MAJOR when he (dh) would tell ss he could do something I just told him he could not do!  We made up rules.  We both go by them!

1.  If dh is home, ss asks him for whatever he needs (part of my disengaging)

2.  If there is a situation, however trivial or big, and I have stated to ss "This is the way it is", my dh AGREES to it regardless of whether he actually does or not.  THEN, dh and I discuss it at a later time, when ss is not around.  

3.  Neither of us oversteps the other in front of any of the kids!

Hope that helps!  You are a FAMILY UNIT, whether she lives there all the time or not.  

-Her looks/image, each kid is different, and if/when she lives with you, YOU buy her clothes...then she will wear what you want her to wear!

-School...surely your dh will expect more than what she is doing now...good luck on that though...her study skills are lacking and I doubt they will get better (per history with my ss!)

Good luck!

[tharper001]

I absolutely have no doubt as to what I'm in for.  And it's a very scary thought.  You see, my DH can come up with some great excuses as to why he thinks he is the only one to raise his daughter.  First and foremost, the first year I was in her life, we had a great relationship, then I started figuring out the whole ex issue and truly saw what I had come into.  I should have bolted then, but was "in love".  And I must admit... the child was 7 years old, she was staying up until 11:00 (yes it was the weekend, but she was 7), she didn't brush her teeth, she didn't want to take a bath, etc., etc.  I started trying to come up with ways to reward good behavior -- like the star system.  You do this, this and this, you get stars and once you have this many, we'll go out for a treat.  To try and encourage good hygiene and good dress and good, healthy habits... like getting enough sleep.  I was getting butted in the head by my DH...

And he wonders why my attitude changed towards his daughter.  Even at that age, I could see how tightly the two were woven together.  It was like I was an outsider.  No matter how hard I tried to fit.  BUT... it was only like that when she was there.  It was wonderful others.  Also, I was new to the kids thing... again, I should have listened to my mother and not even taken a second date!

But... even if I do try and talk to him, he will tell me that I don't have that same relationship with his daughter that I used to, and that I can't assert demands unless I have the love to go along with it.  And I'm not her parent, and therefore, don't have the bond.  I have much more of a bond with this kid than her own mother does.  At least I encourage her when she's with us.

But that is his main excuse.  And it is a very touchy situation and can get highly emotional because it pisses me off so much.  I have come to terms with it for the most part and just bite my tongue... but it does help to get it off my chest.  This child has been the cause of all of our relationship problems... so much in fact, that it has led to other relationship problems that are very difficult to cope with.  It definitely hasn't been an easy road, and I'm not sure that even if we do win, that we will have truly won.  that's why I'm just biding time... just waiting to see.  BUT... THIS TOO SHALL PASS, AND ALL WE CAN DO IS JUST ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES AND KEEP SMILING!!

Thanks a bunch!  I really appreciate the support that these boards offer.  

[tharper001]

Well, the school issue is touchy.  Technically, we truly have no control over whether or not she does her assignments or studies for tests, etc. right now.  If we get her, you better believe that will change.

As for her study habits, she has none!  Absolutely none!  But there are wonderful learning centers out there that provide one on one help to encourage children with their education.  It's part of our parenting plan that we have provided our attorney.

And she will go... I don't care how much it costs because education is just too important.  And that will definitely be cause to terminate my marriage if this point is not strictly adhered to.  We can spend thousands hiring an attorney, and buying her computers and games, etc., we can certainly spend a few hundred here and there to provide her the proper tools to get a good education!

I totally agree with the rules issue.  No parent should ever cross one another in front of the children.  My parents did with my brother.  That's why he's 28, still lives at home (when he's not living with his present girlfriend),, pays no rent whatsoever, cannot maintain his bills, etc.  Because my parents never followed through with him, they crossed each other in front of him and they still do everything for him today!  I'm living proof of what a difference stern, disiciplined parenting makes in children!  

[dsm]

TH - it sounds to me like you and your DH need to have a SERIOUS heart-to-heart.  His disney-dad attitude/behavior is not going to be able to continue if/when this child comes to live with you.  And from what you describe, you are not going to be able to be giving her any direction/discipline.  He has created a princess mentality in her - what she wants, she gets.  He is going to have to be the one to un-do it.  And he has got to show you respect - back you up if you do ask her to do something; tell her that she cannot wear certain things; etc.  Otherwise, you have no credence at all in your home.  Some counseling should be going on for you and your DH right now - to come to a united front BEFORE anything happens with custody.

Good luck!

[tharper001]

What's really funny is that we got a phone call yesterday from her mother telling us that we could start our summer vacation, and could even have picked her up yesterday instead of as scheduled today.  Isn't this lovely??  Just thinks she can call us up and be "cooperative" and offer our summer vacation now.  At the drop of a hat.  

I was prepared for a battle last night, because I know my DH too well.  I figured he would drop everything and come up with a way to get.  The problem... he has to go to Atlanta for business on Monday morning, will be back on Wednesday, then we leave for Toronto for my business on Thursday and won't be back until the 29th... the day before our court date --which part of that court date will be to establish summer vacation because we hadn't had cooperation from the mother yet!  Convenient isn't it, to sound so sweet and so cooperative on the phone the week before the court date.

I guess I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt though... Per her demand that we call her back last night to confirm if this would good for us or not, my husband decided that he did not receive the message until today, and that he will be discussing this with this attorney today.  Obviously, we will not begin our two weeks or "even a month that would be fine with her" because of our pre-planned business trips.  And I think he is so upset because his daughter is not calling him, that he's finally realized that he can't jump every time they say to because it doesn't get him any more points with his daughter.  There may still be hope...

Who knows what will happen.  All I know, is I don't care what the attorney tells him, we better pick that child up today and have her back on Sunday as planned, and we will take the summer vacation that the attorney was planning on asking for in court on the 30th.  There is no way, even if he wanted to drop the child off at his dad's while we were out of town, that we are going to change our schedules to accommodate this woman.  It will be interesting to find out #1, did she leave this message hoping to show cooperation prior to court, #2, does she have a new attorney that advised her to do this, or #3, is there a new man in town -- because this is typical behavior when there is.  Get the child out of the house and pawn her off on daddy.

I personally think this goes a long way in showing just how unstable the mother is... considering, just 10 days ago, we had another message left on our voice mail by her telling my DH that she did not appreciate him having her child calling her at the last minute wanting to stay over on Sunday night and that he should understand the child had to be home by the court appointed time when scheduled, and that a month ago, we had another message that she left at 11:51 pm (after she had returned home from dinner with a friend -- child had been home since school let out all by herself until this time) saying that my DH was micromanaging, and she didn't know what he was trying to pull but that she would no longer accept phone calls from him AT ALL.!

It just keeps getting better and better.  What a soap opera!  Thanks to all of you for letting me vent.  I don't know what I'd do without you!

[lori_y]

oh man, what she is saying is the truth!!! trust me.  

[tharper001]

You all have been just so great with all of your advice.  And I'm not sure if you read my post about the phone call that we got yesterday about summer vacation.  If not, it's very interesting.  Anyway, I will try to make a long story short.

Mother called.  Said we could start summer vacation or if it wasn't good, to let her know and we'd schedule something.  My husband seemed as though he was going to do the right thing -- WAIT UNTIL THE COURT DATE ON THE 30TH as this is part of that court date... to establish summer visitation.  He was going to call the attorney, find out the best possible answer and call her back to let her know now is not a good time.  He has to go out of town on Monday, will be back on Wednesday and then we live on Thursday and will not be back until Tuesday, just in time for court on Wednesday.  

I knew in the back of my mind we may have a problem.  For the last five years, I have always had summer vacation thrown at me at the last minute.  I was never clued in.  And I told my best friend yesterday after I heard this phone call to watch what was going to happen.  It was going to be turned into that he needed to protect his daughter and that he would have her stay at her grandparent's house while we were out of town.  

I talked to him today, and he had not talked to the attorney.  He said he would call the mother at his convenience and that if the mother assumed that we were keeping her, and he went to drop her off on Sunday night and no one was there, then he would just deal with it.  I told him I disagreed and that plans were already made to go out of town and that he needed to call her right now and tell her that.  He told me he was paying thousands and thousands of dollars and was not going to make any phone call until talking to the attorney, and his decision would be based on that phone call.  Then he hung up on me.  I called him back and he asked me if anything he has done in the past would go against him in court, or if he would do anything to jeapordize this case.  I told him no, but that he would be losing a week with his child if he keeps her, it will be another feather to this woman because he's still jumping when she says how high, and that if I have to cancel this kid's dentist appointment in July... that will be the last time I ever make another appointment for her.  I asked him to call me once he had made a decision and he said he would.

Come late afternoon, still haven't heard a word... and I tell you, father's day or not... come Sunday night, that child better be back with her mother.  This is a fight he does not want, and I deserve more respect than this -- as does his father and his mother.  He just expects that because he feels he should jump at every beckon call that everyone else does to.  AND THIS STOPS RIGHT NOW!

Sorry just venting here!  This is crazy!

[Kitty C.]

Vent away, TH!!!!!!!!!!

You have EVERY RIGHT to feel the way you do.  And to tell you the truth, if it were me, come Sunday night I'd be putting the child in the car myself and driving her back to her mother personally.

You hit the nail on the head about him expecting everyone else to jump with him.  IMO, that's 'incredibly' selfish on his part and doing WAY too much damage to EVERY relationship he has.

But brace yourself, honey.  This ain't over by a long shot and I've got a feeling it's going to get MUCH nastier very quickly.  If you have an sure fired stress relievers, I'd be getting them out and warmed up...you're gonna need 'em to stay sane!

[DMcD]

I really, really feel for you. The hurt that you feel when something that you feel strongly about is ignored. After all, you aren't her "real" mother. You are ONLY his second wife and have no rights to make any decisions or have any input into her upbringing. Sound familiar? Eleven stressful, unhappy months I lived that reality. It sucks.

The only thing that I know for sure is that when you have problems (even itty bitty ones) when skids visit, those problems increase exponentially when they come to live with you. All their annoying habits, all the friction the child causes in your relationship, all the frustration with the BM - expect it to explode if she starts living with you. I tried to ignore it. I tried to work around it. I couldn't. It was too much to bear. Many people have made it work and I'm not saying you CAN'T but I am cautioning you that if you and your DH don't set the ground rules now, and adhere to them when she moves in, you are looking at the beginning of the end. The end of his desire to be CP or the end of your marriage or both. Keep on him and make yourself VERY clear on what you expect of him and SD and make sure he knows what they can expect from you. Best of luck to you.

[hagatha]

TH,

I have read all your posts about the conflict with your DH about His child, and it seems to me while you understand all the problems you are making excuses for his behavior. In order to resolve this, you will have to make HIM responsible for His child.

Once you have given him your advise and he Chooses to disregard what you have said, he is responsible for what happens. Believe me I do understand he will be hurt, and it is hard for you to watch, but until HE sees the problem you will be pounding you head against a wall that will Not break.

If he really believes that he and only he can properly parent his child, please allow him the dignity to do just that. He must parent this child by himself in order to see for himself the problem he is creating.

You may set the ground rules as to what you consider acceptable behavior in your home, but unless he agrees to inpliment those rules you will have to decline to participate. And you are within Your rights to force him to be the parent he Thinks he is. And by the same token you will be parenting your children as You see fit.

Every time and I mean Every time his child misbehaves, you let him handle it, including how she dresses. You must stop seeing her as a reflection of You and allow him to see her as a reflection of HIM. it will take time, but he Will see and change. But only if you allow him the opportunity to see.

I believe you can explain to him unless he backs you up with her, he will have to make arrangements for her care. Don't postpone anything (including vacations) even if that means he will stay home with her. ANd if you have business trips planned together, remind him he will have to arrange child care while you are gone, and don't worry about the care he arranges. So what if he calls his parents, they can Choose to watch her or they can decline. Allow them the right to choose.

Disengaging can be a wonderful freeing experience and a wonderful tool to allow a parent to actually parent.

HE wants to be the best daddy in the world to her, LET HIM

The Witch
____________________________
Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[tharper001]

I completely understand what you are saying.  But not only do I have to deal with letting him parent when I, and everyone else, can see what's it's going to cause later... but I also have to deal with the backlash of hearing how he always has to handle everything and only he can do so.

We've been through it... counseling, discussions, the whole nine yards.  And I have to say, that when the child is not there, he really does try not to get too upset and we're both working on being more grateful to the other one.

I am proud to report that he did take my advice and the child did go home last night.  That is the one thing that I will not tolerate -- even if I begin to disengage.  Actually, I think for the most part, I am disengaging.  But... I will no longer tolerate summer vacations planned at the last minute.  It's not fair to the child, and it is certainly not fair to any one else that may be involved.  Disengaging or not, I have a right to put my foot down on something this important.  Yes, I do let him parent.  But I will no longer let him jump when his ex calls up and expects to pawn her daughter off on us at the last minute.  If we weren't going out of town, it would not have been as big of a deal.  But we were... and while he would have taken care of everything, I would have had to deal with the repurcussions of that... and I was not going to do it simply to protect the integrity of our trip to Toronto.  He would have been miserable... and I was not going to allow that.  Our trip has been planned for months... and that woman was not going to mess it up.

We will get her soon enough... we should begin our summer vacation in two weeks... we'll have her the weekend of the fourth (our typical scheduled weekend) and then will keep her until her mother decides it's convenient for the child to return.  We're requesting the courts to grant at least through July 16th.  I'm sure, once we have her, we'll keep her longer than that... simply because the mother will enjoy the freedom.

When my husband dropped her off yesterday -- and while the child will never admit it, you can just tell that she did not want to go home -- they were running about 40 minutes behind because of our lake adventure for father's day yesterday.  The mother pulled in a couple of minutes behind them -- thank goodness we didn't rush off trying to get the kid home on time -- and can you believe that this witch didn't even look her daughter's way????  Here this child is getting out of the truck, trying to carry her things and her mother doesn't even offer help... didn't say a word... walked into the house and shut the door, even while this child was walking up to the door.

This woman beats everything I've ever seen.  This is your child -- I don't care how much you dislike the other parent, but this is your child.  Show a little care!!!!!  I hope our attorney buries her... and he should with all of the information we have given him.  We'll see how it goes next week.  We pray the courts will require a psyc eval, and that we get even longer visitation for the summer.  Then soon, hopefully, we'll be in front of a Judge about custody!

[tharper001]

I am happy to report that the child did go home yesterday.  I know it's difficult for my husband to drop her off -- especially when it's so obvious that she doesn't want to go.  She would never admit that, but she doesn't have to -- her face says it all.

I took my mother's advice and just thanked him and offered dinner plans when they returned on Friday night.  We didn't end up doing them, because they had stopped by the store on the way home, but he seem appreciative instead of angry, like I thought he'd be.  

I have no regrets that I put my foot down and disagreed with him on this.  Now hopefully we can have a good trip to Canada.  

But I do feel terrible for that poor child.  They arrived about 40 minutes late yesterday -- the mother pulled up after them by a couple of minutes.  Thank goodness they didn't rush home!  The mother did not even look over at the child getting out of the truck with all her stuff -- she didn't say a word to the child, she just stormed into the house -- and shut the door... even though the child was walking not too far behind her.  What a wonderful welcome!!!  I don't care who you are, or what your problem is with the other parent -- this is your child coming home after a weekend away -- and you are such a witch that you can't even tell your child hello.  Women like this should not be allowed to stay above ground!

[tharper001]

Well, it was a pretty interesting morning this morning.  We got in front of the general master this morning -- a date that has been scheduled for some time now.  Got in late from Canada last night, and was 1/2 hour early for our appointment.  Low and behold -- the witch didn't show up.  She called and left a message with the general master's asst that something had come up and there was no way she could make it -- didn't leave any more of an explanation and didn't leave a return phone number.

So... our attorney painted a pretty good picture in a very short amount of time with the general master.  We got summer visitation scheduled, we got an order for the mother to make sure the child calls her father (with shared parental responsibility, it is her OBLIGATION to do so), we got our wish for a psychiatric evaluation to begin with a psychiatrist of our choice... and best of all, our attorney was able to establish the fact that the mother be compelled to finish her deposition -- the one that she stood up after about an hour and screamed at the attorney and then stormed out -- that she finish this and that the child not be present (yes, she brought the child the last time).  The general master will also recommend that the parties do not discuss the legal matters with the child -- YES!

The visitation issue that we had -- where I was ticked that it was at the last minute -- worked out.  My husband did drop the child off after father's day, and we were able to proceed with our out-of-town plans.  Not without a phone call from the child, however (which always seems to occur when we're out of town).  The child called on Friday afternoon (we were in Canada).  She talked to her father and asked why we were lying about her mother... that her mother had tried to schedule summer visitation and that he was out-right lying.  Sure, she tried -- at the last minute.  And the child told him that she didn't want to come over or see him and was just very upset.  The child also discussed other issues related to the court documents (her mother has been reading those documents to this child).  The father told the child very calmly that she didn't have a choice in the matter, that she would come when her regularly visitation was, and that the legal matters were none of her concern.  That the courts would decide the matters.  She said okay, and that was it.  

How dare this woman think she is immune from showing up at court and how dare she force this child to make this disturbing phone calls!  Well, as our attorney pointed out today -- we're establishing a pattern.  The uncooperativeness is a he said/she said thing, but she's walked out of a deposition, she showed by phone for her court date to release her attorney and she called at the last minute this morning to say she couldn't make it.  We know she's shaking in her boots, otherwise, the child would have never called us.  And now we really know she's shaking because she didn't show this morning.  Well, at some point, she's going to have to face the general master or the judge -- and definitely the psychiatric evaluator.  Our attorney said we must be patient as things are very slow in moving, but that the pattern is being established -- and one that can't be contradicted by the mother!  He seems to know what he is doing.  I can't WAIT until that evaluation begins!  BRING IT ON... IT SHOULD BE A VERY INTERESTING SUMMER!