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Author Topic: Stepmoms....help me out here  (Read 5561 times)

joni

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Stepmoms....help me out here
« on: Dec 11, 2004, 08:27:54 AM »

I have this wonderful 7 y.o. SD.  Up until last weekend, we were great buddies and had a close and loving relationship.  SD would dread going home on Sunday and cry and constantly would ask if she could live with us.

Last weekend, SD became very withdrawn and cold, showed no remorse for saying some terrible things.  The transformation was haunting.

It's always been an uphill battle with BM.  She hates me, I know this from several sources.  She's always giving DH a hard time and excludes him from SD's life when SD is with her.

Now SD is saying she never wants to live with us, never wanted to live with us, was just saying all those things because that's what we wanted her to hear.

It's obvious that mom's worked her over.  Prior to this last visitation, we got a trial date for reducing child support (by 40%!).  Mom, of course, is fighting.  Also, BM and DH got to review each others evidence for the annulment proceedings brought by BM.  DH's evidence was pretty damaging against BM.

So I know BM is on a rampage.  Tears me up that she's taking it out on SD.  Here's my concern and dilemma, SD is terrified of her mother, has always been.  Child has consistently expressed this.  SD has low self esteem and confidence.

Prior to this, SD seems as though she was gaining in confidence and getting stronger and more independent.  But after last weekend, it's as though she's fallen to the bottom of her sand hill into a big huge heap.  I cannot believe the 360 this child has done.  She was down right cold and hurtful to us this weekend.  I'm sure BM would be beeming with pride.

Have any of you experienced where you had a stepchild go thru something similar and come out of it OK?  It's my concern that this child will never have the strength to break away from her mother's grasp and wrath.

Please share.....


leftoverinmn

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RE: Stepmoms....help me out here
« Reply #1 on: Dec 18, 2004, 10:19:13 AM »
Oh, I'm so sorry you are seeing her go through this. And 7yo is so young to have to deal with this. She's so little and innocent. Why does it seem sometimes like SM's care more about children then BMs do?

Does CS change people?

My DH kids did the same thing, we've gone through this too. So the BM (who has a degree in women's studies and psych) brought them to a counciler. She stopped taking them after 2 visits. Appearantly, she didn't like what the counciler had to say to her. Her children were having depression and being withdrawn because of the way their mother was behaving towards DH. Her spite and hatefulness were causing the children pain.

So she stopped the counciler appts. A year later, the kids are more withdrawn then ever.

joni

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RE: Stepmoms....help me out here
« Reply #2 on: Dec 18, 2004, 11:56:37 AM »

Your BM's a 'professional' mind f&$ker?  Nice.  Your poor stepchildren.  My concern with my SD is what you're going through...more and more withdrawl over time.  My DH thinks since she's only 7 y.o., she'll come around as she gets other.  

I think my DH is underestimates his Ex wife.  My DH is such a stand up guy with integrity, he always thinks the truth prevails.  I don't, I'm more cynical.  I hope he proves me wrong.

wendl

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RE: Stepmoms....help me out here
« Reply #3 on: Dec 18, 2004, 12:25:32 PM »
Hell sounds like what my dh's kids went thru. They start counseling and when the counselor says something mom doesn't like she stops taking them.
Nice huh.
**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

wendl

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RE: Stepmoms....help me out here
« Reply #4 on: Dec 18, 2004, 12:28:28 PM »
Joni,

My yss is 7 also, him and I are very close, one weekend after the trial he came to our house and neither of the boys would look at me or talk to me, dh had a talk with the boys and we found out the reason why. Hmmm take a widl guess, mom was saying crap about me.

Well the next weekend they came over both boys were much better, not withdrawn and cold to me.

Can you DH talk to him?? I know this worked with my stepkids after a few visits they were back to being the same kids I know and love.

It is a shame that parents must tell the kids things that 1) they are to young to understand and 2) is none of their business at this age.

All our children need to know is that both parents love em (as well as the stepparents) and that their only responsibility is being  A KID and not to worry about grown up things.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**


leftoverinmn

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RE: Stepmoms....help me out here
« Reply #5 on: Dec 18, 2004, 03:46:28 PM »
Joni,

You should find a way to get them to help somehow. DH's twin girls are 12, they're not going to grow out of it.

Yes, she is a professional mindf**cker. She has a degree in psycology.

Her latest thing that she does to the kids, is when it's time for dad to pick them up for his visits, she makes them stand out at the end of the driveway. If they want to see dad, they can't wait in the house. We live in Minnesota. Current temp..14 degrees.

If he's late, they have to stand out there longer. He started coming 30min early, she would send them out earlier. It's her way of punishing them for loving their father. It's degrading, and hateful. She sends them out into the cold like dogs. There is no OFP for him not to come on her property, she just likes to push buttons. And if the kids some frostbite, as long as it pi$$es of DH, it's OK with her.

I hope your DH proves you wrong too. It's only going to get worse.

Why does it seem like we care about the SC more then BM's do? What's wrong with them?

4honor

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BTDT
« Reply #6 on: Dec 18, 2004, 03:56:00 PM »
SS is 14 now and while we have our moments, he tries hard to maintain our relationship despite what BM says to either of us (and things have been pretty awful sometimes to both SS and myself.)

SS went through something about the same age. I had been in SS's life for 18months at that time and married for about a year. SS went through a very stressful time, he had a new brother (ODS) and his mother had married and divorced a man  in a short time, and he was subsequently stressed and "behaved badly" for several months. He went from wanting to live with us to never wanting to see us.

We took the tactic that he did not get a choice about whether he was going to see us, and where he lived was between us and his mother, not for him to dicuss with us or not, as that really wasn't his choice either. We did make it clear that he was always welcome, but until he became an adult, it was his parents' job to be the parents God intended them to be. We are to raise him to be a man, not a child. He got it and now, he has started to do the "I would live with you but..." thing. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. We don't hold our breath and we can see the end in sight. 3 yrs 10 months 8 days and a handful of hours.

SS has seen BM crash and burrn with every relationship... and I think he is dreading this new one, preferring to be with us instead of her and him on Christmas day.

Just keep loving your SD. She will understand that you have to work at your relationship with her ~ it will be an effort to keep her separate from her other parent (some days) ~ and she will value that relationship all the more as she grows.
A true soldier fights, not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves whats behind him...dear parents, please remember not to continue to fight because you hate your ex, but because you love your children.

janM

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RE: Stepmoms....help me out here
« Reply #7 on: Dec 19, 2004, 06:23:01 AM »
I have friends, a couple, who have been on here.
Dad's ex is doing the same thing. She has just been found guilty of contempt for a second time but custody did not change. They are appealing.

Her recent thing is sending the kids outside at 5:30 on a Friday night for a weekend visit, and telling them that's when he's due, so they think he's a half hour late at 6pm. And it's turned cold here in Ohio too.

One mid-week visit she called to tell him they had the flu and there would not be a weekend visit. She didn't tell them she called and they waited outside for him and thought he just didn't show. They know differently now. And they were not sick. I don't know what's up with making these kids wait outside. Guess it's like you said, they're being punished although they are scared to tell her they care about their dad. This "woman" kept them from him for 4 years until the court made her comply last year. She is still denying them phone contact. She will tell them not to answer the phone when he is supposed to call.

They are filing to impose the sentence for the original contempt, which is a month in jail. It's not long enough.

How about having the sheriff drive by and see them freezing their buns off?

joni

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RE: Stepmoms....help me out here
« Reply #8 on: Dec 19, 2004, 04:18:20 PM »
That's classic denegration.  Thank God our exchanges are in an airport otherwise I would not put this past my DH's Ex.

My girlfriend was dating a guy who was divorced.  His child was mentally and physically disabled, a 14 y.o. with the mentality of a 1 y.o., confined to a wheelchair.

When he would come for the pick up, she had her son in the garage.  When he pulled in the driveway, she would open the garage there remotely and his son would be in the middle of the dark garage in his wheelchair.

So doing this to your stepchildren is not for their horror but also to humiliate their fathers, who are helpless to the mother's wrath also.

kitten

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RE: BTDT
« Reply #9 on: Dec 19, 2004, 10:27:09 PM »
The skids go through these phases depending upon BM's state of mind.  Remember...no matter how horrible a person their mom is, they love her.  They believe in her.  Sad and scary, but true.  Try not to take it personally, I know it's hard (from experience).  Be consistent and she will always know you love her.  In all of this confusion, she needs to know you will always be stable and there when she needs you and she WILL need you someday.  

dsm

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Yep Yep Yep Lived it - livin it still - got the t-shirt.....
« Reply #10 on: Dec 20, 2004, 06:35:26 AM »
I've been involved in my SD's life since she was 2.  She doesn't know her dad being with anyone else - not even her mom.  We've had custody of her for 3 years now.  When she was little, she would act very much the way that your SD does - crying, begging not to have to go back to her mom.  Then we also had the complete opposite every so often - just like what you are going through.  If there is good reason to remove her from her mom, then y'all need to do it - and do it soon.  Don't wait for puberty to hit.  I wish we could have had custody reversed when my SD was even 9 instead of 12.  So much of who she is as a person is now ingrained in her - she has learned manipulation and lying from a master.  Is she okay now?  Yeah, she's okay, but look out for when she thinks she isn't getting her way because she can twist things around so fast.   We had her in counseling when she first got here and it did help alot.  And now that she is here full time, and for the most part out of her mother's clutches, we have a good handle on things.  Until she spends an extended period with her mom - then she comes back with primdonna attitude and like we 'owe' her something.  It's the complete opposite ends of the spectrum - and it's a roller coaster.  One that is not fun for the rest of our family to ride.

So my advice - get your documentation together and figure out the best course of action.  And if it is to have your SD live with you, then get things figured out.  Sooner than later.

Good luck!  
==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 37
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 19 months
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....
dsm - 44
DH - 48
SD - 26
LO - 19
BB - 12
1 demon who provides cheap entertainment of the fluffy and furry kind.

My mantra - it's time for me to do for me and mine so we can live in the present and not fret about the past nor worry about the future.  What is, is.

Ref

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My PBFH is studying to be a therapist too
« Reply #11 on: Dec 21, 2004, 09:06:58 AM »
It is really scary to hear about how many really screwed up people beome therapist.

My PBFH has not talk to me in 10 years, slammed doors in our faces in front of SD and the whole gambit of PAS. It is a truely scary thought that she will someday be working (she hasn't worked in over 8 years so may be it wont come to pass) as a counselor to some poor person.

SD is going through the same thing. Our situation got worse when DH had to take PBFH to court over visitation. Now a girl who was once VERY close to us, is pulling away. SD said CRAZY hurtful things to DH and he is having a real hard time reconciling with it.

IMO, the best thing to do is maintain as much contact as you can with the child so that she will know you are there for her when she is ready.

Good Luck....this is hard but it wont go on forever.

joni

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RE: My PBFH is studying to be a therapist too
« Reply #12 on: Dec 21, 2004, 10:10:51 AM »

They say people become therapists to save themselves.

My fears are confirmed through what the SM's are saying here.  Tomorrow, we get SD through New Year's Day.  It'll be interesting to see if it was just an isolated occurrence or indications of more to come.


leftoverinmn

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RE: My PBFH is studying to be a therapist too
« Reply #13 on: Dec 22, 2004, 04:19:21 PM »
I'll tell that one to the DH tonight, I'm sure he'll get a chuckle out of it..

I really hope things go good for the week, please let us know.

sweetnsad

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RE: Stepmoms....help me out here
« Reply #14 on: Jan 03, 2005, 05:45:34 AM »
Joni, I absolutely feel your pain here....I really do.

Last weekend (the day after Xmas), we had stbdh's children for a couple of days.  The oldest is 8 and he is a very, very angry little boy, but he was pretty good the last little while....up until last weekend.

You see, stbdh and his ex went to court the end of November and she lost everything she was looking for (spousal, increased cs, lump sums of money, sole custody, the marital home, etc.)  She was very greedy going into court and wouldn't counter offer the very generous offer stbdh made....so the judge basicially said "screw you" and gave her nothing.

Now, the eight year old is a major problem.  She told him EVERYTHING....told him that "we" took "their" house, how daddy "won't" pay more money, so we are broke, etc....he lashed out all weekend....he was so disrespectful to me and his father, it made me physically sick.

I don't know if there is any way of turning him around...but he is so much like his mother now, it's sad.  He is so mean and spiteful...and we know it isn't his fault....we just can't understand how a parent can do that to a child.  

So, Joni, I don't know if the children ever "turn around" from it...but I can only pray that they do.

(((hugs)))

joni

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UPDATE
« Reply #15 on: Jan 03, 2005, 06:27:25 PM »

HUGS back at your sweetnsad.  We had SD for the entire Xmas break.  The 2nd day with us, we experienced what a prior post here said, a spontaneous reunification, when a child attempts to reconnect with a rejected parent on their own initiative.

We were decorating the childrens' Xmas tree in the family room.  I looked at SD and she had tears in her eyes.  She blurted out, mind you she's 7 y.o, "I'm so sorry about the last time I was here.  I didn't mean what I said.  My mom made me tell you those things.  I love you so much.  I do want to live here."

I just about fell off my ladder.  She came up to me, kissed me and told me she loved me again.  Turns out mom has been telling her that I don't love her because she's not my real daughter.  Also, that my DH loves the son we have together more than her because she doesn't live with us.

I asked her if she believes what her mom says and she said no, but it hurts her to hear this.  I reenforced our love and commitment to her.  I asked her if I treated her the same as my own son.  She said "you treat me better, you have to yell at him."  (mind you, my son's 3 y.o. and ALL BOY!).

I hope she continues to develop her inner strength and sense.  I just fear that with the constant battle, she'll never have the strength to break away from her mother's evil grip.  She'll grow to be an adult who will always be subjected to her mom's abuse, lies and manipulations.

rachaelmomma

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RE: UPDATE
« Reply #16 on: Jan 03, 2005, 07:22:02 PM »
Joni,

Are you documenting all of these occurances?  Keeping a journal?  A journal is an excellent tool when the Phycho Ex decides to take you back to court or if she becomes way to out of hand.

Are you and your DH willing to try for custody?

Courts are becoming more open to giving fathers custody and they are looking harder at how the BMs act toward their Ex and the kids.  

Keep a journal of all of the interactions you have with your Skids and the Ex...it may be your best evidence of parental alienation come court day.

My SD (7) had a similar instance of pulling away a year ago.  All of a sudden she would cry every time we picked her up and beg to go home to her mom when she was with us.  After three weeks of this we finally wormed it out of her.  BM had a breakdown in front of SD when she broke up with a boyfriend (I think she had been dateing him all of a month so I don't know why it should have been so dramatic but anyway)  BM fell apart in tears and told SD that no one but SD loved her and that SD was all she had in the whole world and that she was so lonely she cryed herself to sleep at night when SD wasn't there.  

How do you think a then 6yr old will react to that?  After consoling SD and explining (in kid terms) that BM didn't really mean it she was just really sad at the time DH stepped outside to put in a call to BM.  You better believe BM got a HUGE butt chewing from my DH and the next visit SD was much better.  HELLO...If your going to have a crying fit then call your momma (who lives next door) to come watch the kid for you so you can go blubber away in the yard for a bit and get it out of your system... a 6 yr old does not need the weight of the world on her sholders!

I just don't understand why BMs do the stupid things they do.

Hugs to you... I hope your SD gets better.  Just keep pumping up her ego!!

sweetnsad

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RE: UPDATE
« Reply #17 on: Jan 04, 2005, 04:24:59 AM »
Aww, Joni....was I ever happy to read your "update" post.  That's great news!  There's nothing sweeter than having a step-child tell you they love you, all on their own, because they do.

If she's already on to some of her mother's manipulation, then you can pretty much bet that the older she gets, the wiser she gets.  I don't think you'll have to worry about her always being subjected to her mom's evil ways....if she didn't have you and her father to count on, maybe, but otherwise, no.

I'm so happy she came around.  :)

Moebear1

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RE: UPDATE
« Reply #18 on: Jan 04, 2005, 08:55:25 AM »
I'm so happy for you regarding the update!  My older SD is 13 so I not only have to deal with the fact that her mom hates and is jealous of me, but the regular teenager stuff.  This kid barely even speaks to me, yet 2 years ago (while we were doing the court stuff) was the one who told the therapist doing the evaluations that she missed me and couldn't wait to see me again (I wasn't allowed to see Skids for a year due to BM's lies that I had threatened her. ;(  )
Anyway, she had a year to work on her so while my younger SD is fine, the older one treats me like dirt.  I keep going between hoping she'll realize what a loser her mom really is and hoping she never does realize it because it will only hurt her.
Nice to know someone's Skids have realized the truth, however painful it may be.

almostastepmom

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RE: Stepmoms....help me out here
« Reply #19 on: Jan 11, 2005, 02:46:52 PM »
If you have read any of my latest posts, we are going through the exact same thing.  Our SD - 9 has become mean, hateful, and down right unapprecative of anyone that comes in contact with her when she is with us.  She use to love to hang out with me (SM). We would always do fun stuff together, but now she won't look at me, hug me, or even responde to me.  Her mother has been telling her stuff, but we just can't get it out of her.  We know she is scared of her mother, but would never say it again out loud.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, but am greatful that in the last post you said she appologized.  At least she can admit that she didn't want to say it, her mother made her.  

It is truly amazing to me that people use their children like a pawn in a game.  In our case, the ex uses them for a money ticket.... That is what she is all about..... MONEY< MONEY< MONEY!  And as far as the kids go, I know she doesn't want them, but she will make sure that no one else does.  She bribes them to come home and when they want to call us or come see us, she will tell them that they can go to the store and pick out something.  

 I really hope your situation has gotten better.  Ours is just begining and I have a awful feeling about it!

Good luck

 

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