How do you as a step- mother cope with the BM?

[flewwellin]

Okay I have only techniqually been a step mother since july '04.  My problem is the BM has always disliked me and has tried to cause both problems between my hubby and myself and really is quite difficult to work with.   It took her a full year before she would talk to me about the kids at all.  She said it wasn't my business.  I guess when my hubby and I got married she saw she couldn't run me off.  So now I ask those Step moms who have to deal with a difficult biological mother How do you do it?  


flewwellin

[purrrfectgirl]

Frankly, I don't.  She's refused to talk to me about anything (for almost 6 years now).  Well, she said things in the beginning, thinking she could somehow get the better of me, but when that didn't work she took the hostile attitude.  She got DH put in jail on false DV claims and he no longer deals with them either.  But his ex loves to call and yuck it up with DH's mom (this is another long irrtating story I will not get into).  My name is herecy in her house, it is never to be spoken.  The kids get in trouble if they are cught instant messaging me on the web.  SO needless to say, be thankful she doesn't chew out the kids for the mention of your name, take a deep breathe and keep going!  The fact that she's talking to you shows that you're making more progress than me.

[Moebear1]

Bottom line is I don't anymore.  When DH & I met (over 6 years ago) BM & I were civil to each other when we saw each other (they had been divorced for over 3 years by then).  Things got bad when we got married for some unknown (at least to us) reason.  It got so bad she tried to get a restraining order against me!  Luckily they realized there was no need for it.
So now I do not get involved anymore.  My 13 year old SD pees herself every day and no one wants to do anything about it.  Not my problem.  My 10 yer old SD has serious reactions to caffeine after 6PM (in that she cannot fall asleep and is seriously "speedy" and then gets cranky and cries when she "comes down").  Again, not my problem.  I love these kids but no one listens to me (MIL told me it was none of my business when older SD couldn't hear out of one ear).
Now I just wait for the time when they are older and realize that their mother is a loser (sorry, but she is).

[Stepmom0418]

I used to deal with BM until the one time she told me that SS was not my child and that I should butt out!

She would call and want to talk to me about things such as visitation when my DH was at work. I would either deal with them or ask her if I could call her back and I would call DH at work and ask what he wanted me to tell her. Then I would call her back and relay what he said!

I do not deal with her AT ALL now!! At pick up and drop off I now remain in the van. If she calls and Dh is not here, I politely tell her DH is not home and she will have to call when he is. If DH is home, as soon as I know who is on the phone I say, "Hold on here's DH!" (even if she is trying to talk to me about the situation)

I can not and do not have to put up with her and her Bulls***!! I refuse!!

SS and I have a great relationship and so far she has not been able to interfere in that although she has tried! I love my SS but cant stand his BM and therefor it is better for everyone involved if I do not communicate with her at all!

This is my situation. It may or may not be right for you but it is what I HAD to do to keep my own sanity!!

[junglechicken]

I don't deal with her directly, ever, at all.  Not even so much as to pick up the phone and take a message if dh or the kids aren't home.  That's what a machine's for.

I figure, a)I was never married to her, b)she's not my mother, and c)she doesn't want to deal with me anyway.  So why should I bother?  The kids know how she feels about me (sadly) so rarely do they ask why I don't talk to Mom.  I mean, I do if I see her in public, but that's just my breeding.  Talking about the kids?  Hell no.  That's dh's job.

[Ref]

I don't chat. I do answer the phone and force her to talk to me that way. I am always sweet as pecan pie to her. Just DRENCH my words in honey.

There have been a million times that I felt like telling her what I think of her and DH would LOVE me to, but I always end up thinking that that type of thing would, without a doubt, only hurt my SD.

DH and I have been together for over 10 years now. To her I am nothing. SD also does not even mention my name to her mom. I am not allowed to call BM's house to talk to SD. I am not allowed to send letters or presents.

Really, it is not that bad. If I need to contact SD, I just get DH to place the call, then pass the phone. No skin off my nose.

Good luck!!!

[dad in az]

I always try to be civil with BM, even when i knew she was trying to screw us over. All i do know is when she calls (if ever), i let the answering machine pick it up. When OSD is over there  and Dh calls her, he just passes me the phone so i can speak to her. BM wouldnt directly say anything mean about me or be mean to me she's subtle about it. Frankly, i dont give a rats a$$ what she thinks about me b/c i'm the one that provides in my household for ALL of the children.

As much as she annoys me, i'm always CIVIL. I guess, i try to follow the Golden Rule " if you have nothing nice to say, then dont say anything at all"

Let your husband deal with her...

[joni]

BM is right, her children are none of your business.  You should not be having any discussions regarding her children with her directly, unless it's an emergency situation.  What happens with her children when they are in your home, with DH, is between you and DH.  If there's a message or issue to be conveyed to the BM, it should be your DH doing it.

I, like the prior posts, don't answer the phone when BM calls.  I haven't talked to the witch in 18 months and it's the best thing I could have done for myself.  Taking myself out of the picture causes less aminosity in an already extremely volatile situation.

Treat her children with love and respect.  Don't diss the BM to her children, it will only backfire on you.  Set the precedent that you are a role model who loves them and will always be there for them.

[flewwellin]

Talking with the kids BM about them and their welfare is no longer the problem, however I have to disagree with those of you who said it wasn't my business.  I never enter a relationship and not enter it completely.  Techniqually I am not the kids mom BUT I do love them very very much.  The kids and I have a wonderful relationship.  They call and talk to us on the phone and their mother lets them speak to me.  So I guess all in all ours isn't a horrible relationship.  I was just wondering how some of the other step mom's or even step dad's deal with the other BD or BM??

[Stepmom0418]

I agree with you that it is your bussiness about your skids. Some BM do not see it like that! (like the one in our situation) At the point that BM here said what she said to me that is when I backed off and decided that if she wanted to be like that with me then I do not have to take her abuse! Thats why DH handles her now. But if there is a decision to be made then Dh does discuss it with me. He does not make any decisions with out talking to me first.

If you can get along with BM then do it because in the end it is much better for the children!

[flewwellin]

thanks  I hope that I don't have to go through what you are cause I agree it is better for the kids if we get along.  DOn't have to be friends but at least not bad mouthing one another.  However I wouldn't do that in front of the kids anyway.  

[joni]

Sure the skids are your business (directly..when they're under your care) and your responsibility.

I don't think it's appropriate for a SM to have a direct conversation regarding the skids with the BM.  That's your husband's place to discuss their children with the BM.

It doesn't mean you can't have input with your husband about his children and aid in his decisions before he speaks to the BM.

[KAT]

I have a vodoo doll inside my bedroom closet nailed to wall with a gutter spike.

KAT

[joni]

Where can I get me one of those voodoo dolls????

[Stepmom0418]

You got to tell me too!!!! PLease, I really need one BAD!!

[KAT]

I make them & send them out for free. It's up to you to supply the genetic material that needs to be inserted in the "space" provided however.*wink*
Funny thing is, about 90 days after I moved the biohag doll thus moving the spike to her right eye it came to be that she was sued by a sleep clinic for 1,587.00 plus court costs & interest. Aren't sleeping are we? Maybe it's that conscience...ya think????
*insert wicked laugh here*
:)
On a more legal note, I got my own attorney. YUP. Who sent her a cease/desist & criminal trespass notice.
She scares the heck out of me. I'm 41 (lived in NYC for 15 years) & have YET to meet ANY ONE PERSON as evil & with absolutely not soul what-so-ever as she is.
How I keep going? For one, I know that I'm NOT going to be her once she meets her maker. I'm not a religious person but I fully believe in Karma on earth (its happening!!) & retribution in the after-life.
KAT

[kiddosmom]

Can I have a voodoo doll??? *jumps up and down a waiving hand vigorously*

[stepmomtwo1]

Well after 13 years of this woman I just ignore her. It's easy for us because she has kept my sd from us since she was 9 and acted like a total shrew because she hated dh enough to find a boyfriend while they were married and leave dh for him but hated me for dating and marrying dh ?? The woman is psycho and needs serious mental help.

I see her only when we have school functions for our 10 year olds (lucky us we had babies only three days apart) and other then that I pretend she never has existed. She's not the kind of woman I'd want to be around unless I had to.

[MixedBag]

By telling the kids the truth -- "I'm not your mom, you already have one."  I'm an additional parent. .. as a SM dealing with a BM who also hates my guts (but she won't admit it -- actions speak louder than words).

I let DH deal with her....

And I don't "deal" with my EX's fake-wife (where I'm the NCP/BM) .....who is being a replacement mom instead of an additional adult.  There's a huge difference.

[wendl]

I don't anymore she is a hmmm better not say lmao.

Gotta love the "It's none of your business crap"  hmm what happens to the kids affect your dh therefore it affects you and YES it is your business.

My dh and I talk about everything and we decide as a FAMILY what to do, then he deals with the thing.

I no longer go out of my way to be nice, or to get the kids stuff they need at their MOMS, I will not do that any longer as she is ungratefull for anything I do, the kids are however are thankfull

The only time she is nice is when she WANTS something, whether its for dh to pay for book orders, cables, extra activities, then she calls ME not my dh. Or she pretends on emails to be the kids and says what she wants and signs the kids names. What does she think we are stupid hahaha NOT

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[rachaelmomma]

I also just don't deal with her or her family unless I absolutely have to.  My DH and I have been married for almost 3 yrs now and it was a VERY rocky start with the "Its not your business" crap not only coming from BM but DH as well!!  He felt he had enough stress from her and didn't want to deal with me pulling from the other direction...  well buddy sorry to say but you my friend got married AGAIN!!  therefore you DO have to deal with me too.

it is much better now.  We have learned how to talk to each other about these issues without feeling so much stress and anamosity towards each other or thinking that comments come with underlying meanings.  He was bad about assuming that I ment something that I didn't just because of past experience.  As few "I am not your Ex-wife so stop thinking that I think like her" and he got the picture and chilled out.

It is a rocky road but sometimes the head-in-the-sand approach is the best approach.  If BM is a devil to you...step out of the way and let DH deal with his past.  She is not your creation or your problem to deal with or fix.  

HOWEVER anything to do with the Skids or DH or Scheduleing that will also affect you and your life in any way IS your business and your DH needs to discuss with you prior to making arrangements with BM.  That is a hard thing to beat into a mans head sometimes...I know I still struggle with it.  But once you have accomplished this feet you have taken back your life.

Hang in there sister.  We are here for you.

[sweetnsad]

Well, in my situation, I don't deal with the ex unless I absolutely have to....but I also don't hide from her.  Stbdh and I are getting married in April and we have dealt with more crap from her in the last three and a half years then most people deal with in a lifetime.  Stbdh has three children with her and they are 8, 6 and 4....they know everything.  She tells them everything.    And the children constantly ask questions to their father about things they ABSOLUTELY shouldn't know about....

Needless to say, the oldest boy lashes out quite a bit because of the things his mother tells him....we try our best....it's all we can do.  But, as for dealing with her, if I have to, I will, but mostly, I've stayed the hell away from her.  It's easier on all of us that way....then, she can't say I stick my nose in where it doesn't belong.  I love her kids and that's the bottom line.

[kiddosmom]

I usually don't deal with her. It has gotten to were we can speak civilly, but SD is not brought into the conversation unless she is the one to bring her up, and I then respond to her that she needs to talk to DH about it.

[DeterminedForTheBest]

I, go to //www.secondwivescafe.com it's a site dedicated to the issues of being a second wife, step-mother, etc.

I know I would be in a straight jacket if I didn't have other women, who know exactly how I'm feeling, because they've been there.

[flewwellin]

Voodoo doll's are nice if they could work!  GRRR just kidding but wishful thinkin never hurt no one!

[flewwellin]

My DH and I have luckily not had a problem talking about the kids welfare with me before making a decision.  We have been through a lot and even as far as the BM moving the kids to PA just to hurt my DH and to make it more difficult to see the kids.  What she didnt' realize is that the courts made it a little more difficult for her too.  We no longer have to provide ALL transportation as we did b4.  She has to meet us half way.  She also didn't get the times she wanted for DH's visitation.  We got more of a fair  shot.  If we were rich that is.  Either way.  She hasn't done anything after this newest junk.  Interfereing with our visitation over the christmas holidays.  But in the end we just put that in our documentation.  

As far as the kids and what is or isn't my business I believe that if it effects me then it is indeed my business.  So with the kids and what happens to them it's completely my business.  My DH is a very active father in his kids lives.  If something is going on with one or both of them then it effects him.  And him being my DH it effects me.  I know that their BM would prefer DH to give up his Parental rights to them (seeing that she has said this to us) and he refused.  That is when she told us she was engaged and moving to PA.  Double GRRR.

Their BM is always nice to my face and(if i wanted to play the law game I guess I could have put a restraining order against her.)   She told my DH that if I were to get into a car wreck with the kids in there that she would kill me!  Talk about crazy!  However I am not that way.  So nothing came out of it.....

[flewwellin]

Thanks for that info i'll have to check it out cause there are times that I want to say something and don't want it to come across the wrong way with DH so I just kinda keep it to myself it'd be nice to vent and talk to those who are in the same sittuation.

[dipper]

I dont.  We got married July '04 as well.  She has always ignored me completely.  I first met her before I was dating dh - but I was a neighbor of his and had their son with me.  When her son went over to her, I tried to speak - standing about 8 feet from her, she never smiled, never spoke - nothing.  Once dh and I were dating, if she called here I was always polite.  When she came here once to pick up the son, I invited her in and tried to make conversation but nothing - other than asking if the son was here - she did not acknowledge me at all.  

An incident did happen in which I wound up trying to talk to her on the phone - she went off on me, threatened me, and ordered me to put dh on the phone.  I said some choice words that I did regret only because i do not want to give her ammunition.

She moved 2 hours away, ending dh from seeing his son 50% of the time.  the child wishes to live here.  they went to court in June - but she made dh look uncaring because he was naive to the fact that he could get information from the school himself - and she never told him anything.  Also, she had never given him a bill for medical pmts - just wrote in on a paper, so he didnt even know where the child was going.   I have helped him research his rights and I do the typing for him.  So, once she wrote him a letter stating that I have no authority in making decisions - that decisions are for him and her to make.  LOL...what a joke, she doesnt allow dh any input.  She is only mad because he is now asserting his right to talk directly with school personell, doctors, and he demands a copy of any bills.

Well, I was naive enough to think we could actually be civil.....live and learn......

[flewwellin]

The BM that I am "dealing" with became mad at me the second that her son bypassed her and came running straight to me when he was injured one afternoon.  This was our first meeting altogether.  She told DH that she wanted to meet the other woman in their lives.  Implying his as well.  That didn't set well with me at all.  So needless to say she was unhappy with me from day one.  I can't help it  i love those kids and treated them like they were my own.  I can't imagine not treating them with the upmost love and respect.  So I was never given the chance to invite her in for some coffee or anything.  The only time she came in our house was when she had to go to the bathroom and for the sake of the kids we allowed that.  DH wasn't happy that I allowed her to come in though.  They have always had an explosive relationship.  According to my Mother in law, who I love dearly, they never got along and she was flabbergasted when she found out they intended to get married.  Which was after their youngest one was born.  

There were a lot of incidents that would happen, the kids would have been ill that weekend and when I would drop them off at her house she wouldn't listen to me when I told her one of them had been throwing up that morning but when I got home she was on the phone within 15 mins fussing at me cause I didn't warn her that the oldest had been throwing up and she just threw up on their kitchen floor or something.  So that was an uphill battle.  Now when she calls I have to deal with her.  DH and her can't get anywhere.  They end up in a huge argument and nothing gets accomplished.  She and I can talk like civilized adults.  And maybe I'm naive but I'd still like to be able to share holidays with her and let the kids have both their parents at their birthday parties.  That is best for the kids.  

Their mother moved the kids 8 1/2 hrs away from us and she has primary custody with DH as joint custody.  So DH has all rights to obtain info on kids but without knowing who the doctor is or what schools they go to we are lost on finding the other info out about the kids.  We'd love to talk directly with the teacher's and get report cards and such.  So right now she has all the ammunition she needs if one or both of the kids decide they want to move in with us.  They are more than welcome.  The oldest is 5 she goes to private school that her mother decided to pay for, she is hating it she told me as much.  She hates the uniforms and the teachers, she says she is bored because they do stuff she already knows and when I tell her mother she says that she is doing fine.  We'd love to talk to the teachers about it though b/c if she is bored then maybe she needs to be placed in a grade higher or something.  

Hate to say it but probably won't get the opportunity to be nice or have a half way decent relationship with BM.  DH decided that after youngest is 18 then she will no longer know our address or phone number cause the kids will be of a legal age to make their own decisions.  

[teakae]

I am an intelligent professional woman who went into a relationship with a man who had two kids and PBFH. I thought I went into it with my eyes wide open. I thought I was ready for anything this woman might have in store for me. HA! naive that I was.

Only one year as gone by and I am already worn down. I feel hopless and angry. I feel like I am watching child abuse happen in front of me and I am unable to stop it. Its horrific, the drama and trauma this woman creates on a daily bases. I am still working on figuring out the balance of detaching myself from the situation and at the same time to be the careing person I want to be. I know I have to believe that even if the children are exposed to hell by this woman and I can do nothing about it, my presence in their lives can and will have some positive impact in the long run. And that I can give them something valuable that they would not have had otherwise.

But it is still hard to reconcile my feelings when I have to believe that what they are getting out of life is just going to have to be "good enough". They can have so much more, their dad wants so much more for them but all I can do is be a passive observer because I am not their mother.

And ofcourse the "none of your business" "not your responsiblity" "butt your self out" "you are NOT their mother" hurts, when I spend most of my time caring for them. Bad mouthing me and the puzzled looks and confused loyalty in the children makes my heart ache.

We try to find solace in that the kids will eventually realize what a loser their mom is. The older boy is already seeing it (but he gets punished for it now). But then, how sick is that, wishing the kids to be disappointed in a parent? Revenge is only sweet in one direction.

So we plod along and all the suggestions posted are helpful. To see somebody who has been in it longer dealt with it. It is a long term situation and I think we just need a breather. So we actually decided to use our credit cards to go on a cruise this month. Hell with the fact electricity isn't paid, or that dh doesn't have any more vacation days left due to the custody battle situation and bm's unreasonable demands, or the fact it falls on his weekend with the kids. We can't take it anymore we are going to go.

[joni]

What you said here was the best that any of us could hope for

>>>my presence in their lives can and will have some positive impact in the long run. And that I can give them something valuable that they would not have had otherwise.

[wendl]

Teak,

I couldn't agree with what youa re saying here, I have been dealing with it for almost 5yrs.

Dh and I took a vacation after trial for a late anniversary gift OMG it was well needed and we enjoyed the stress free time alone.

We continue to enforce our rules. our expectations, and love to the kids in hope that they will see later in life what we have done and have tried to do for them. These kids actually know and retain more than we give them credit for and they will learn later in life the truth of the matters that we had to deal with. When it is approperaite to do so.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**